Porn advice

[loubellex]

Hi ladies I need your help and advice !
So I had my beautiful second baby a few months ago.
A few weeks ago I was on my other half laptop and a porn pop up came up. I'm not one to snoop it's so out of character but I did.
His history was full porn which i DO NOT have an issue with , I went back months and months I just couldn't stop looking okay fair enough he wasnt getting much off me due to being pregnant !
But my issue was all the porn he was looking at was 'chubby black girls' or 'ebony beauty'
I'm skinny and white ! He's always been with white girls.
I just can't seem to shake it I've spoke to him about it and he can't give me an answer to why he says he don't know
It's really bothering me I now feel like I don't know him at all.
I don't know what I want to hear but please help me get over this !
Thanks x

Huh?

What do
You mean huh ? X

So you don’t care if he spends hours and hours wanking over exploited women as long as they don’t look too different to you? 🙄

No nees to be bitchy Maybe I should
Of explained better
We've been together 7 years , at the start I found porn had a massive issue with it made me so insecure
Since then I believed he wasn't doing it until obviously recently when I found it all again
No I don't like the fact he was doing it but men get needs and o wasn't putting it out there
But yes my issue is that he's 'enjoying' women who are the complete opposit to me ,

Men don’t “get needs”. If they want to masturbate they’ve been able to do that for thousands of years without a computer.

If you have a problem with it (and you should) then stand up for yourself. His “needs” don’t outweigh yours or those of the women frequently exploited in the industry.

I think the fact the women look different is the least of your problems. He’s looking at something different because he’s used to you probably. He will lose sexual interest in you regardless unless you’re willing to “take” sex like a porn actor. That means it’s all about him and his pleasure. If you do a bit of research about it you’ll see the current insane access to porn is ruining sex for men and women by creating unrealistic expectations for the men. Put a stop to it or kiss your relationship goodbye.

Okay..
Our sex life is still amazing always have been
I didn't have a great pregnancy so we didn't have sex at all during. Which is the time he was watching the porn

I don't think he's doing it anymore because we have sex nearly every day

But again my problem is how do I get over how I feel about feeling like im not his 'type' anymore

Note how you’re already trying to change yourself and your outlook to accommodate his sexual desires.

Just accept that most men will have sex with any type of woman if it’s on offer I suppose.

How am I trying to change myself ?

He's not having sex with anyone , he's watching it..

OP I understand I'd be feeling the same! The fact that he won't give you a clear answer makes him seem like he's feeling a little guilty and caught out. I'd probably keep addressing the issue until I got something out of him and then I'd probably not want to hear it either I know this isn't much help/advice just wanted to show some support. He has to respect that your feeling insecure now and you deserve some answers to whatever is going through your mind... hope it's gets sorted soon x

@Jazzy11
Thank you
It's hard because I've said I'll
Forget about it so I feel it's not fair to keep bringing it up
He is so embarrassed that's why I know he won't give me a straight answer.
I do wonder if I'm being dramatic about it all but i Just can't seem to forget its constantly in my mind 😔 x

So to clarify, you found massive history of porn viewing a few weeks ago, since then have had amazing sex every day, which makes you think he's stopped looking? You've only had your baby a few months ago. Is that going to be sustainable after months of nights of broken sleep, or being run off your feet by a toddler?
Sorry, but if he's been exclusively searching for and watching different body types, he's not going to stop just because you're having sex with him.

Some people have fantasies about other races...but would never be in a relationship with those people.

Have you asked if he has fantasies about being with a black woman?

With the interracial porn.... it's about the visual of different skin contrasts..although quite often it's the other way round. WW/BM.

I can see where your insecurities are coming from even if some of the responses on here have been a bit scathing and lacking support and advice to reassure you. I image him looking at women completely opposite to you makes you wonder if that's what catches his eye in real life and questions whether you're still his cup of tea? Makes you feel s**t doesn't it. My fella watches porn but he watches any colour size shape etc. To be honest I'm not happy that he watches porn full stop as it makes me feel like I'm not enough, we have sex like ALL the time so I question why he feels the need but at the same time I do try my best to understand that men are from Mars and women are from Venus and that'll never change.

Fantasy is just that, fantasy. As a woman, I watch porn. The kinds of things I enjoy in porn are not at all things I would want to do or the kinds of people I would find attractive in real life. It's just make believe. If I wanted to be with a woman or have a threesome in real life, I would have. But I don't. That's why I'm committed to my husband and enjoy the sex we have. I don't think you have to feel threatened by any of that.

My advice is not really anything to do with porn itself.

You sound very confused TBH. On the one hand you say you don’t have an issue with porn, on the other you say ‘well I do have an issue with it but men need it’.

Then you feel insecure because the women don’t look like you.

My advice; stop trying to make how you do feel fit into what you think you are meant to feel (men need porn etc) and stop trying to fit around him.

Work out what you really do feel and then be honest about it. If he’s lying about using porn and you are lying about how you feel about porn (to yourself and him) this is when problems like you are currently experience happen.

I do worry that you may be ‘having amazing sex every day’ a short time after giving birth to your second DC purely out of insecurity.

@mindutopia completely agree!

Your not being dramatic I know that I would have reacted a lot worse than you have ! I’d have to know why he feels the need to even watch porn let alone ladies that look nothing like you - I wouldn’t feel guilty about asking him either x

How am I trying to change myself?

You’re currently on an Internet forum asking strangers to help you stop feeling the way you feel. You have those feeling for a reason. Your brain is trying to tell you that you feel sad and betrayed and want your husband to stop watching other women having sex. A male-dominated society is trying to tell you you’re wrong for expecting men not to be arseholes.

You need to accept that you are not the problem here - you don’t need to try to stop feeling upset. He needs to stop upsetting you.

I do try my best to understand that men are from Mars and women are from Venus and that'll never change

Sexist drivel. Many men don’t watch porn and some women do. Your argument is as ridiculous as it is offensive.

So you're confused he finds women of a different colour/build attractive ?

Are you serious?

I very much doubt all men wank over skinny white women 😂

@Iwasjustabouttosaythat yes an international best seller is offensive. How awful for someone to state that men and women are different. Which we are. FACT!

@Cockmagic

I'm aware of that 🙄
I wouldn't think twice if it was all different types of porn
But it was mainly just that!

So bore off.

Thanks to all with the nice messages x

Men and women have different biology.

That book is not about biology.

Why such nasty comments?

Op I can see where you are coming from but it's probably just because it's different to what he is use to so finds it more of a turn on that's all.

Op I can see where you are coming from but it's probably just because it's different to what he is use to so finds it more of a turn on that's all

So, what is his opinion on Brexit, on race, on gang culture, colour, and nationalism?

Of course you are small and white, the European dream, the aspirational ideal. You do realise that pornography exploits the poorest women and women of colour are the poorest and most unequal of all women? And that porn is filmed prostitution? when you use money, money acts as coercion, so basically it could be argued its not just filmed prostitution , but rape. Its like a fetishsized form of modern slavery. Has all the same hallmarks.

Of course its their colour and race that turns him on. I'm not surprised he's embarrassed.

I think you need to work out exactly how you feel about porn. I agree with Offred and Iwasjust, you shouldn't change the way you feel, its up to him to stop doing something that undermines you and hurts you.