Marriage isn't the same after husband's affair

[Stillnotoverit]

My husband had an affair just over 3 years ago and although I've never posted on mumsnet, I've read almost every thread on affairs, a lot of advice that has got me through the last 3 years.

This isn't so much about his affair but more about how I've changed so much and how I actually just can't get over it.

Long story short: my husband had an 8 month physical and emotional affair 3 years ago. He almost left to be with her but when his bags were packed at the door he chose to stay and I chose to fight for our marriage for us and our son.

The first couple of years were torture (alternating between raging anger and raging passion at the flick of switch) but we turned a corner this last year and are back to the way things were before.

He's done absolutely everything to make things right, full access, always accountable, genuinely remorseful. He hasn't so much as looked at her once. He's a much better husband and better dad and is sincerely sorry. He hasn't faltered at all.

Our marriage is better in some ways (better communication, realistic expectations) but here's the problem:

I love him but I can't look at him the same way as I did before. It's almost as though he's lost something I need. I don't know how to explain, but I feel numb when I look at him. We can laugh and joke now (only just about) but when we stop laughing, I look at him and at least a few times a day I think about what he did.

I've been exercising more, looking after myself and working on my own self confidence so I'm in a better place mentally now than I was. But now I look at him and just think he's a bit pathetic for what he's done and that I'm pathetic that I've stayed.

It's so hard to explain but I've grown as a person since his affair (learnt things about my self, worked on my own friendships, found hobbies that mean I'm not just sat on the sofa all of the time). All of this, while he just seems to have diminished in my estimation. I can't really truly erase what he's done from my memory and when I look at him, the blank feeling is always lurking.

I don't really want to be with him anymore as I've realised my son and I would be completely capable without him. I didn't feel like this 3 years ago and my self worth was totally destroyed when I found out but now I feel different.

Some of our friends and family knew about his affair and I've spoken to my mum and a couple of friends about how I feel and they all say that I can't do this. That I can't break up our family not when he's putting so much effort in to being a perfect husband and dad.

The problem is, I just can't look at him in the same way and I don't know if this empty feeling is really enough of a reason to throw away 15 years of marriage???

Would any marriage really be any different after this long? Can I still blame his affair for the way I feel towards him even after so long? I just feel numb when I think about him and have this feeling that I should do better than spending my life with a man who betrayed me so cruelly. But then, he's trying so hard to make up for it.

It's so hard to know what to do. Can I break my family apart over something he did so long ago that he is so sorry for just because I can't look at him the same way without being reminded of it all.

It just seems so silly writing it down.

Sorry about how long that was. I hope someone still bothers to read it.

You've been amazing. You've given him a chance to prove himself, and you've become stronger and more independent in the process.

That's a win if ever I saw one.

That does not mean that it's worked out right for you.
You are recognising that it won't be right for you and you can do something about that.

Why stay in a marriage when you aren't able to look at him the way you could before?

Yes he's tried very hard, but he did something terrible, you've done our best to forgive and move on and it hasn't worked out like you or he had hoped.

That's absolutely fine.

I think your family are potentially giving bad advise as staying with him in the long run may just lead to resentment.

Do what's right for you.

As soon as I knew I could cope on my own and be better for it, I did it and never looked back.

Open yourself up to your own happiness and someone who worships the new you that you can look at that way again

Utmost respect for you OP. I've not had this experience but I don't think i could get over It if DH had 8 month affair. A one night stand during a bad spell maybe, but not this. Family are just looking to take the easy option IMO which is for you as "wife and mum" to put everyone else's needs before your own .

It's not that long, don't worry! And you don't sound remotely silly.

It is tricky. Ultimately though, the choice is yours and only yours so I would try to explore your feelings in depth and forget worrying about anybody else's opinions of what you should or shouldn't do. A few months/years down the line they will have probably forgotten what their opinion had been whereas this is your actual life.

I'd say there's every chance you would feel like this now regardless of the affair, because whatever was lacking in him/the relationship would have still existed, even if the actual affair didn't play out.

If he's a generally open person and not prone to lies (affair notwithstanding) could you try couples counseling? It's not meant as a relationship 'fixer' but can really help you both dig to the bottom of all going on and decide where to go next. If if you chose to separate it could help facilitate that amicably which is a good thing considering you have a child together.

YOU wouldn't be doing anything. He broke things, not you. Yes, maybe he is trying to fix it, but once you break a mirror no amount of glue will make it into the mirror it once was. He (and everyone else)has to accept that it was him that broke things.

You sounds strong and confident. To be honest, I would totally lose respect for someone who treated me like that and they would be gone the day I found out. Not because I couldn't forgive them but because I wouldn't want to live with the feelings that would remain in my head. Life is better when its simpler.

You sound awesome by the way.

Thank you winter.

That's almost how I feel, like I deserve better. At the time of his affair I was begging him to stay because I couldn't imagine life without him. But now I've changed and I look back and think I can't believe I was that weak and insecure that I was pleading with him!

He was and still is the weak and insecure one and his affair was borne out of that weakness and insecurity.

How long after did you leave? It just seems wrong to blame him after 3 years when actually he's done everything possible to make things right since then.

You can't change how you feel. You are a different person now. Could you possibly live apart for six months or so just to see how that goes before making a final decision? Affairs do change everything, and even if you can put it behind you it is never the same. The trust has been broken and that's that. Don't feel bad for feeling this way, you are a stronger, different person now, and maybe you need different things.

You don't need a reason to leave, although you actually have a very good one.

You tried but it didn't work. You have been amazing.

Have pmd you OP

It just seems wrong to blame him after 3 years when actually he's done everything possible to make things right since then

But it is right to blame him because for eight months he was lying to you and making a mockery of your marriage by screwing someone else. I don't think he necessarily deserves a round of applause for not actually walking out after he packed his bags. There's some merit in his actions since but now the "excitement" of working on your marriage has gone, you are now stronger and have found the prize you were fighting for is not something you still want.

Thank you snowgo. We have had couples counselling for around 2 years and I've had individual counselling since the week I found out.

In individual counselling I've talked about this but obviously haven't raised in couples counselling that I feel blank when I look at him and that at times I just don't like him anymore. But we talk a lot about how things have changed and are continuing to change.

You say it's back to the way it was before.
But it can't be. You can't go back. Maybe realising that will help you?

I've spoken to my mum and a couple of friends about how I feel and they all say that I can't do this. That I can't break up our family not when he's putting so much effort in to being a perfect husband and dad.

They're talking nonsense. Of course you can.

If it's not right, it's not right.

After three years of trying it's not like you've not done your very best to make it work. And it's not your fault your husband decided to kill off your marriage by having an affair.

You can't feel things that aren't there. And the people around you should stop trying to make you feel guilty for being honest about where you are.

Do what's best for you.

If you decided to go forward together then I think your only chance would be to be upfront about these feelings with him - it'll always be in your head as a barrier otherwise.

Thank you Oblomov. When I say back to the way things were I mean we're not rowing anymore. We have started to do normal things like go on holiday and this Christmas was the first after a couple of years that I was ready to venture out and spend with family. It's an awful time as their affair began on Christmas eve.

I think I'm trying to say that we're more stable again. And in that way things are back to normal.

I think you are experiencing a normal part of marriage tbh. 15 years is a long time and although you are connecting things to his affair I think you would still be like this if he didn’t have an affair

I'm glad you have gained strength and confidence.

Affairs are so destructive and can forever change how you feel. The loss of respect just doesnt come back.

There really isn't a time limit on it. You have every right to be done and don't let anyone blame you for it.

Your husband did this.

Quite but he did have an affair. He made the marriage weaker so it is harder, and perhaps not possible to weather things as they would have before.

Ah, it sounds like its YOU that's back to normal at last. Affairs have a way of totally taking over your thoughts until it feels like there is not much left of you - but you're back. Not the same thing as the relationship being good.

I've just sent you a PM. It's about a man who left his wife 8 years after her affair and she was besides herself...but he couldn't carry on with her.

You are now able to look at things dispassionately.

You know you can go it alone.
The love tainted fog goggles have cleared and the man you see before you is not someone you love.

You know the old saying, react in haste, repent at leisure? Well you’ve given yourself and your family plenty of time. So go spread your wings. You having nothing to feel guilty about.

Whether or not your marriage continues, is between you and your Husband only. You were very brave trying to continue building a future with him, and you should be very proud of the woman you have become. But you must remember, he jeopardised his place in the family, he risked everything, not you.
Don't live a lie OP, just to placate orhers, or because your Husband has been trying ! Life is short, grab it by the horns !💐🍷

'Some of our friends and family knew about his affair and I've spoken to my mum and a couple of friends about how I feel and they all say that I can't do this. That I can't break up our family not when he's putting so much effort in to being a perfect husband and dad. '

How dare people who claim to care about you try to dictate to you that you have to live an unhappy life because your cheating husband actually owned up to what he did. Read that back to yourself, they're basically telling you to live a life of unhappiness when it was your h who cheated on you. Seriously, would you tell your son he had to stay in an unhappy marriage with a cheater because she 'made an effort'?

You feel like you deserve better because you do!

Life is way too short to live like this. You gave it a good shot. It didn't work out.

I'd tell him the truth, that I've moved on as a person and don't love him the way I need to be happy.

I stayed with my exh for 3 years after his affair but it was never the same. He was full of remorse and did everything he could to try and make it better, but I simply didn’t feel the same.

He’s changed in my eyes, I’d lost respect for him and everything was marred by the affair...

We eventually split over something else, but to me it finished the day I found out about his affair. I should have kicked him out there an then, but actually I needed that time to sort myself out so after he did leave, I felt nothing. I wasn’t sad, or upset and it was almost a relief to not have to deal with it again

Sorry but if your friends and family think he’s so great maybe they would like to marry him instead.
No one can tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel or what you should or shouldn’t do. They don’t live in your marriage!

It sounds more like the reason things are back to normal now is because the love and anger has worn off and you are indifferent to him now.

He broke it, you tried to fix it but your feelings towards him have irrevocably changed. That can’t be undone and was his doing.

That you are not happy and don’t love someone anymore is enough reason to leave a relationship. Not even taking into consideration that the reason you feel this way is he cheated on you and almost walked out.

Well done for trying, I don’t think I would have. Life is too short to live your life in misery because he’s sorry. Like a PP said. The break up of your marriage was the likely consequence of his affair and he went ahead anyway.

Also I think it’s good to teach children relationship values. If you cheats on someone it has far reaching consequences