Marriage isn't the same after husband's affair

[Stillnotoverit]

My husband had an affair just over 3 years ago and although I've never posted on mumsnet, I've read almost every thread on affairs, a lot of advice that has got me through the last 3 years.

This isn't so much about his affair but more about how I've changed so much and how I actually just can't get over it.

Long story short: my husband had an 8 month physical and emotional affair 3 years ago. He almost left to be with her but when his bags were packed at the door he chose to stay and I chose to fight for our marriage for us and our son.

The first couple of years were torture (alternating between raging anger and raging passion at the flick of switch) but we turned a corner this last year and are back to the way things were before.

He's done absolutely everything to make things right, full access, always accountable, genuinely remorseful. He hasn't so much as looked at her once. He's a much better husband and better dad and is sincerely sorry. He hasn't faltered at all.

Our marriage is better in some ways (better communication, realistic expectations) but here's the problem:

I love him but I can't look at him the same way as I did before. It's almost as though he's lost something I need. I don't know how to explain, but I feel numb when I look at him. We can laugh and joke now (only just about) but when we stop laughing, I look at him and at least a few times a day I think about what he did.

I've been exercising more, looking after myself and working on my own self confidence so I'm in a better place mentally now than I was. But now I look at him and just think he's a bit pathetic for what he's done and that I'm pathetic that I've stayed.

It's so hard to explain but I've grown as a person since his affair (learnt things about my self, worked on my own friendships, found hobbies that mean I'm not just sat on the sofa all of the time). All of this, while he just seems to have diminished in my estimation. I can't really truly erase what he's done from my memory and when I look at him, the blank feeling is always lurking.

I don't really want to be with him anymore as I've realised my son and I would be completely capable without him. I didn't feel like this 3 years ago and my self worth was totally destroyed when I found out but now I feel different.

Some of our friends and family knew about his affair and I've spoken to my mum and a couple of friends about how I feel and they all say that I can't do this. That I can't break up our family not when he's putting so much effort in to being a perfect husband and dad.

The problem is, I just can't look at him in the same way and I don't know if this empty feeling is really enough of a reason to throw away 15 years of marriage???

Would any marriage really be any different after this long? Can I still blame his affair for the way I feel towards him even after so long? I just feel numb when I think about him and have this feeling that I should do better than spending my life with a man who betrayed me so cruelly. But then, he's trying so hard to make up for it.

It's so hard to know what to do. Can I break my family apart over something he did so long ago that he is so sorry for just because I can't look at him the same way without being reminded of it all.

It just seems so silly writing it down.

Well done for trying and well done for growing and maturing during that time.

You can't stay married to someone you no longer respect or even much like. Even without an affair, that is soul-destroying.

I would not think about it in terms of blame at this point. Of course it is his fault because he is the one who had the affair. But whatever the cause (and it is a very good reason), you no longer feel about him the way you should feel about a husband. You don't respect him, you don't like him much, you think he is weak. At 25 years married I don't feel any of those things about my husband - I like him and admire him more now than I did when I married him.

Your family and friends are wrong.

It's things as important as Christmas with family that mean it's not worth carrying on with the marriage if it's a bad time for you due to the thoughts coming back to it beginning in the first place.

The first Christmas without mine was the best Christmas I'd had since I was a child myself.

my family too thought I should give the marriage more of a chance.

I had though, I'd put on a brave far for years.

Once I'd decided to leave him it took me another 6 months to actually do it.

I hadn't planned it, I just knew on that day it was over and I was just trying to find a way out.

I wish I had just gone then.

But I waited, and then just left one day. Never to return

I agree that you owe it to no one to stay. I am divorced from a cheat and I couldn't imagine being with him now.

But in your first post you say you love him. If so does that make you want to stay in any way?

From the time he stayed after the affair you should have negotiated a new relationship. The old one was dead from what he did. Do you feel you had that opportunity? Are you getting what you want from the new relationship?

Glad you have chance to have individual counselling.

And I totally get that he was weak and selfish to have the affair.

But you say he has done everything to try to work on the marriage. Reconciliation is very hard work and you both have been prepared to do that. Is that not worthy of respect?

And can you not tune in at all to how you felt when you first got together? How you felt about him then?

I'm not trying to say you should stay but ask some questions to help your decision.

My DH had an emotional affair,and even though it was discovered before it became physical,it had involved months of them nurturing their relationship ,and him being secretive about this OW.It totally shattered me,nearly ended our long and previously very close marriage and recovering from the discovery -sudden and shocking- was the hardest experience I've ever had.TBH it got worse before it got better.About 3 years in like you whilst on the surface we got on fine,and seemed to be moving on,I possibly felt worse than ever.Because I felt so emotionally detached and dead inside towards DH.Looking back I was very depressed, and had lost faith in him,us and pretty much everything.But DH was truly remorseful,had been and was an amazing dad to our DCs and when I told him frankly I wasn't sure I could ever feel love for him the way I did, and felt a kind of bereavement he was understood I may still want to separate, but was profoundly sorry and sad if that was the case.
I can't really say when something shifted inside me,when my heart started to thaw from the block of ice it had become.But it did.I began to see him as an essentially good man,who had made a bad decision and a big mistake recognised that and was moving heaven and earth to make up for it.The fact that he had instigated counselling ,and gone no contact with the OW immediately had made me hang on in there initially.Without that I would have walked.
You may well feel you can't wait any longer but all I can say for me the love and the feeling did come back,and now I'm so glad we stayed together.If anything I love,and respect him more than ever.And for years I never thought I could say that.We laugh,we love and thoughts about those dark days,and the overwhelming emotions,and obsessive thoughts of how betrayed I felt seem a long time ago.
I know for many things don't work out,only you can decide.But a few years ago I was finding any excuse to delay spending any time alone with DH,now there is nothing better than a day mooching about together.I wish you peace of mind and eventual contentment whichever decision you make OP.

You are growing apart, but when the precise split happens make sure you do the right thing by your son. Then you will avoid doing something you may later regret.

As sad as it is to say, it's not surprising that you feel the way you do. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It must have been awful, but you did amazingly well to give him another chance.

Take a fresh, clean piece of paper. Scrunch it up, then try to flatten it out again without any creases. The creases will always remain.

That is what he did - and as amazing as you've been for your family - he needs to realise that the creases in the paper will never be repaired.

There's only so much one can do and take. I hope you find peace in whatever it is you decide to do. Please know that there is no right or wrong answer. Only you know how you feel.

It just seems wrong to blame him after 3 years when actually he's done everything possible to make things right since then.

Or, you’ve both tried your best to make things work for three years and it’s simply not fixable.
You’ve spent all that time trying to salvage this relationship. How many more years do you want to give it before admitting that there’s nothing he can do to save it?

I think all your feelings are entirely natural and realistic.
People make mistakes in life though. Some grave, some less so. I don't say 'mistake' as if to trivialise something, but I think throughout a lifetime, there are points in life when our rationale and emotional maturity can be found wanting.

I think for the genuinely remorseful, they also carry the burden of an affair with them for the rest of their lives too.

If you've gotten this far after the affair, isn't that a sign of something special for the both of you? That the love must have shared once upon a time and when you believed you could overcome any hurdle - is actually doing a good job of precisely that - overcoming this hurdle.

It's a long journey in marriage, and sometimes, one of you might slip along the way. In this instance, he slipped. In another marriage, the woman slipped. I liked how you described the marriage as worth fighting for, but maybe there's a time top seeing it as a fight, but consider it a battle you've won / overcome.

Only you can ultimately decide, but I think you can still have hope that the man you loved once upon a time, can still be the man you love.

btw, I'm not saying 'this is what you should do', just putting forward a more optimistic view that a precious photograph with creases in it can remain just as precious.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this after so long.

My DH had an affair nearly 2 years ago.. but he kept going back to the OW... over and over again whenever he felt insecure he'd message her or see her and she'd fawn all over him.

The thing you've got going for your relationship is at least he has been totally committed to you since you discovered his betrayal... in lots of ways it makes it easier to trust him again because he hasn't gone back to OW not even once... And he's showing that he puts you first and knows the pain he's caused you and is genuinely sorry.

But that still doesn't mean you have to stay with him if your heart and soul isn't in your marriage anymore and if you've changed.

My DH was even in touch with the OW a couple of weeks ago which he denies but I saw a message... so he's been back and forth to over the last 2 years in some way or another. He says he's sorry and we can have lovely days too.. and fun at times.. but inside he's still thinking about her all of the time I think. Like you I just feel empty now.

You sound a lot stronger then me and if I had your strength and independence I probably wouldn't stay.... as it is I just feel so ground down by it all and compelled to keep trying.

I have a lot of respect for you to keep going for 3 years... we're nearly at the 2 year mark and I hate him for what he's done but the hatred is turning into the feelings you describe... just feeling numb and empty and disappointed in him.

It's very hard to live with someone you don't actually like or respect and who makes you feel nothing. Sometimes I feel pity when I look at DH... and when I look at myself too.

I think the people who survive affairs and make their marriages better don't ever have these feelings of numbness or loss of respect... I don't know how you ever get back from that place. You don't seem to have lost your trust as well which I have but it's so hard to get any of those feelings back.

I don't really have advice... just lots of sympathy xxx

You put your own feelings and hurt aside. You tried your best, you gave it your best shot - it just hasn’t worked for YOU. Your husband did not think about your feelings when he was lying to you and having sex with another woman, laughing with her and making plans to meet again. It was not a one off mad moment of drunken stupidity. For eight months he thought about her, thought of having sex with her and getting excited at making plans to meet her, all the time being with you, coming home to you and lying about where had been and what he had been doing. He was so happy to deceive you and must be made to realise the consequences of his behaviour.

He didn’t think of his son then and what peril his actions could put you both in and the heartbreak that would, and does result for the two people who loved him best in the world.

If you stay now for the sake of your son you will regret it later. When your lovely son grows and leaves your home to start his own independent life you will look at the empty shell of your life and the wonderful exciting full of promise years you lost. The man who willingly betrayed you will still be there and I have no doubt your numb empty feeling will turn into anger and bitter regret for years wasted.

Think what is best for you and for your son now. It is all very well for parents and friends to tell you to stay with this man. They do not know the sadness you feel, know the emptiness in your feelings while they enjoy their own happy lives.

You have worked so very hard to rediscover the real YOU. Please don’t throw all that effort away - you owe yourself so much. You sound such a lovely person and a caring mum, don’t settle for second best - you are still young and a rewarding exciting life awaits if only you give it a chance. Good luck and stay strong.

I can understand how you feel numb when you look at him. This is a self protection mechanism you do to protect yourself from him because he has shown in the past he can’t be trusted with your feelings.

I really think that unless you can address this with him through more counselling things won’t work as your marriage since his affair has just been a tick box exercise to try to get it on track with practical techniques but lacking the emotional investment.

I can’t say as I blame you for holding a piece of yourself back from him so you aren’t so vunerable to him anymore. I guess the question is whether you could ever trust to be able to change that?

It's so hard.
I didn't stay.
I knew that I would never feel the same way about him again.
He was my life.
My love.
The man who looked after me.
The man who would never hurt me.
I just knew I'd never get past what he actually did to me.
I was a mess for a year!
But I know I made the right decision.
I knew I'd never look at him the same.
I knew that the pain and hurt he put me through would never go away completely.

You took the far harder path. And that's a brave thing to do.
But once that trust has gone, it's gone.
It never really comes back.

This is YOUR life.
You get one shot at it.
You've done this for 3 years now and you don't want to do it anymore.
You want to get out and discover more.
You do what is right for YOU!

So much to think about, thank you everyone who has taken the time to reply.

Our counselling has focused a lot on the emotional side too and I think this is as good as it is going to get between us. I don't hold myself back with him emotionally and he has always remained patient throughout the healing process even my furious rows and screaming in the first couple of years.

I trust him but I don't respect him. He has matured and is a lot less selfish than he used to be but it's hard to explain without sounding like a horrible person but it's not enough.

I thought if he did everything by the book it would be enough and we could build a better stronger marriage which in some ways we have but it's a few different feelings I have:

actually I can do better than someone who cheated on me
I feel stupid for taking him back
I'm a stronger more independent person than I used to be
I'll always look at him and think what a selfish fool he was
I've grown as a person because of all this and I don't want to feel like I'm settling

I feel so different because of everything and I kind of want to draw a line under all of this. I want to start again with a clean slate either alone or meeting someone new where his affair no longer has any part in my life.

It's always there somewhere lurking, not in a way that we would argue or anything like that but it crossed birthdays, Christmas, our anniversary and while we are OK now the scars of his affair are always going to be there.

Even when we are intimate, fleetingly I'll think about him and her and it just makes me feel numb. Or makes me feel like I'm competing with whatever they had which is also messed up after so long.

We can be happy at times too, but it's always there.

It's so hard knowing what to do.

I personally think that once the feeling is gone then it is gone and you either accept
It or move on. You gave it a go. It hasn’t worked out for you. People split up all the time for much less. It is only your business too, not your mums, not your friends

I think you've answered your own question in your last post lovely.

OP, I hear that you love him, but that you are not IN love with him.
Your post is well written and to the point. You do know what to do, you know exactly what to do, but really, it's the actual doing it that's the problem. Firstly be honest with him, secondly don't tell anyone else until you've spoken to him. Don't be swayed, stay on track.
If it's putting the actual wheels in motion, we're all here to support you.
It doesn't have to be a long drawn out process. Free yourself and your Husband, so that you can both find love again.

Yeah it sounds like you’re done.

Fuck what other people say/think. You have one life.

I will be one honest OP .re-reading your post I'm not sure I would have persevered in your circumstances. An emotional affair was bad enough,but at least I knew they sort of had a reason to be in contact due to work demands.Although what really hurt was as things progressed they reorganised their days to get a lot of time alone.And messaged constantly and secretly.But I know now DH put her /it in a box totally separate from home,and they never met up anywhere else.But having a full physical affair and getting as far as packing his bags to leave.Your pain must have been off the scale on discovery.I had also been married far longer,and had to think back over the countless thoughtful and selfless things DH had done preceding this 'mid life crisis '(hate that term,and excuse and also the word 'banter ')I only posted to say as for timescale it took along,long time to stop having intrusive negative thoughts.It had to come from me thinking enough now,we either move on or I make a life on my own.I was strong and determined enough to do so, but it also requires immense strength to stay.I don't want to cloud the issue,but in your case I'm not sure I could have forgiven.You never forget. All the best .

I think you need to tell him how you feel. Regardless of whether you stay together or not - it seems to be eating you up inside and you need to get it out. Telling him this will either make your marriage stronger - or it will break you apart - but you have a secret from him and it’s not healthy for you or for you as a couple to not discuss it. Good luck.

Please re-read your last post.
It tells you exactly what you need to do.
Hard as it may be, you know what needs to happen next.
Can you say it out loud in counselling?
'I've tried but the scars run too deep and I don't respect you anymore and I want us to separate amicably'

HOw old is your son and how do you think it will effect him..? That would be my only concern if it was me