Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage isn't the same after husband's affair

102 replies

Stillnotoverit · 24/01/2018 16:53

My husband had an affair just over 3 years ago and although I've never posted on mumsnet, I've read almost every thread on affairs, a lot of advice that has got me through the last 3 years.

This isn't so much about his affair but more about how I've changed so much and how I actually just can't get over it.

Long story short: my husband had an 8 month physical and emotional affair 3 years ago. He almost left to be with her but when his bags were packed at the door he chose to stay and I chose to fight for our marriage for us and our son.

The first couple of years were torture (alternating between raging anger and raging passion at the flick of switch) but we turned a corner this last year and are back to the way things were before.

He's done absolutely everything to make things right, full access, always accountable, genuinely remorseful. He hasn't so much as looked at her once. He's a much better husband and better dad and is sincerely sorry. He hasn't faltered at all.

Our marriage is better in some ways (better communication, realistic expectations) but here's the problem:

I love him but I can't look at him the same way as I did before. It's almost as though he's lost something I need. I don't know how to explain, but I feel numb when I look at him. We can laugh and joke now (only just about) but when we stop laughing, I look at him and at least a few times a day I think about what he did.

I've been exercising more, looking after myself and working on my own self confidence so I'm in a better place mentally now than I was. But now I look at him and just think he's a bit pathetic for what he's done and that I'm pathetic that I've stayed.

It's so hard to explain but I've grown as a person since his affair (learnt things about my self, worked on my own friendships, found hobbies that mean I'm not just sat on the sofa all of the time). All of this, while he just seems to have diminished in my estimation. I can't really truly erase what he's done from my memory and when I look at him, the blank feeling is always lurking.

I don't really want to be with him anymore as I've realised my son and I would be completely capable without him. I didn't feel like this 3 years ago and my self worth was totally destroyed when I found out but now I feel different.

Some of our friends and family knew about his affair and I've spoken to my mum and a couple of friends about how I feel and they all say that I can't do this. That I can't break up our family not when he's putting so much effort in to being a perfect husband and dad.

The problem is, I just can't look at him in the same way and I don't know if this empty feeling is really enough of a reason to throw away 15 years of marriage???

Would any marriage really be any different after this long? Can I still blame his affair for the way I feel towards him even after so long? I just feel numb when I think about him and have this feeling that I should do better than spending my life with a man who betrayed me so cruelly. But then, he's trying so hard to make up for it.

It's so hard to know what to do. Can I break my family apart over something he did so long ago that he is so sorry for just because I can't look at him the same way without being reminded of it all.

It just seems so silly writing it down.

OP posts:
leftwiththedognow · 25/01/2018 23:02

notready sums it up for me.

Mysteriouscurle · 26/01/2018 22:17

Very sad that in 2018 the OP's friends and some of her close family are effectively putting the blame on her for "breaking up the family". Misogny is alive and wellSad

OP it seems like by giving him a chance your friends/family think you HAVE to forgive him. Ignore, ignore, ignore. You will not be the one breaking up the family if you split and dont listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. Flowers

babycow38 · 26/01/2018 22:35

Wow, you could be me Op, I decided to have my partner back after his cheating. This was now nearly five years ago, we have three children together, been together 21 years, and I can say I know every emotion you are going through. What made me strong and indeed stop looking at him like I hated him was to realise I have my own life, I'm responsible for me and if I didn't want to be with him icould go and leave. That wasn't what I wanted so I chose to stay but I made it very much about me, I choose my life, ichose to be with him, you really have to stop thinking what's best for anybody else apart from you, do what you want to

Viviennemary · 26/01/2018 22:40

If you can't get past this affair then I think you will have to call it a day. And I agree you shouldn't be listening to friends and family trying to tell you what you should be doing. You did nothing wrong. I think in your position I would go for counselling to find out what you really should do. No point in ten or fifteen years time thinking I wish I'd left years ago. Hope things work out.

Cricrichan · 26/01/2018 22:49

He had an affair. He chose to jeopardize/break your family. You've tried for three years to make this work but understandably you don't look at him the same. Do what is right for you. This isn't your doing. Your kids will be fine with what you choose.

babycow38 · 26/01/2018 22:51

Getting past an affair is very hard and very individual,, nobody, not your family or friends have gone through your pain, I urge you to stop thinking about what other people think. Your life OP, your decision, do what makes you happy wether it's with him or without, at the end of the day people like to have their say, but as I found out months down the line they have moved on to the next drama and lost interest, it's not their drama it's YOUR life, do what is right for you

babycow38 · 26/01/2018 22:59

I got all shades of shite thrown at me because I chose to have him back and try again, then I went through a phase two years on where I couldn't look at him,, hated him, felt like I wanted out, I told my very wise sister this and she said, stop stressing about HIM, look at what you want, get your own life, and do you know what, it works xxx

kcm17 · 26/01/2018 23:23

Yes like me you probably have grown within yourself to find out that you don’t actually need a man so don’t actually feel the same pleasures as before.

My mum said love is about tolerance so if you can tolerate him then why not. There ain’t shit out there but more liars, cheats and stories. However if you want to be on your own then maybe a break is good so you can see what it feels like first before you call it quits.

MountainsofMars · 27/01/2018 09:55

I love him but I can't look at him the same way as I did before. It's almost as though he's lost something I need. I don't know how to explain, but I feel numb when I look at him. We can laugh and joke now (only just about) but when we stop laughing, I look at him and at least a few times a day I think about what he did

You know, it's OK to feel this way. And maybe you now are done with this marriage - you've outgrown it or his affair shifted it in ways which - although you've tried very hard - it's not recoverable. It's OK to feel like this, and it's OK to act on your feelings.

Can I tell you about this as an observer of my parents' marriage? My father was a serial dallier - from what I gather, throughout their marriage, he had a series of what we'd call now 'emotional affairs,' (although he denied any physical stuff so of course it was all OK). An early memory - when I was about 2 or 3 is of my parents' rowing. I thought it was over something I'd caused.

The first time I knew about this was when he had a actual physical affair when I was 16 and my mother chucked him out (for a night). They then went on that hard journey of reconciling and 'working on' the marriage. But the cat was out of the bag, and my mother's resentment & martyrdom were not a pleasant mix. I came to see my father as a very weak man, and my mother as a bitter woman. They divorced 16 years later, and it was troubling & difficult, even though I was an adult by then.

One of my siblings said it would have been much better had they divorced when that affair ruptured things. I asked my mother once why she didn't leave my father right away when he was seeing another woman "but nothing happened" way back when I was little. But those were the 1960s, and support for divorced women was nil, and she assumed my father would have been very difficult over money (he was from a very wealthy family, but raised to be mean with it, which is how you get wealthy, partly!)

So, even though you've tried to 'fight' for the marriage, and worked on yourself, and your husband hasn't put a foot wrong since, the ripples from his very wrong-footing are still there. And it's OK to act on them, now, even though it might seem a long time after the affair.

It took my mother 16 years, and those were not happy years for her, or us as children in the family.

RandomMess · 27/01/2018 09:58

I would tell your H he needs to work on his insecurities etc because those are the attributes that caused the situation and you now find off putting.

Still doesn't mean if you get to the point that staying together makes you unhappy that you call it a day.

Relationships ebb and flow, I have looked around out there and there are very many hideous potential partners! I have also thought it's not about how much you love someone but how well you are able to tolerate the things about them you're not keen on/don't like...

Obviously abuse aside!!!

yetmorecrap · 27/01/2018 13:02

In some ways sites like this make these decisions even more difficult, because you can see the amount of potential shits out there!! Then again many would be happy not to be partnered up at all . It’s bad though if you stay in marriages to ‘tolerate’ and I do see a lot of marriages that appear to be in that sphere

RandomMess · 27/01/2018 13:30

When I speak of "tolerate" I mean DH is crap at cleaning (very tidy, does housework without prompting he's just a bit crap", he's not very sociable rather introvert I'd prefer it if he were more outgoing. That he doesn't drive!

The list of good points far outweigh these things!!!

I couldn't "tolerate" someone who was a noisy eater, went out and got drunk, was clingy, left the housework to me, someone with a crap sense of humour.

There are always minor irritations that you tolerate in family!!

Myheartbelongsto · 27/01/2018 13:56

I was also stuck like you op. I imagined myself as a very old lady sitting in a chair and looking back at my life and what would my regrets be. One of them was not leaving him.

I left him almost 4 years ago. Now I only regret 15 years with him and not 50. I'm now with the most wonderful man.

I think you have answered your question yourself.

Sarasmilealways · 28/01/2018 18:28

When your heart and your mind both unite, you will know what to do and you won’t need to ask anyone whether it’s right to get up and walk or not. Take your time. Breathe. Breathe like the day you were born, and when your heart and mind speak the same words, get up and follow your heart.
Just remember, you two are two different people now - you too have grown and changed and gained confidence. What your needs were then may not be what you need now. You can fix mirrors but the vision will be distorted. You can heal wounds, but the scars remain. Only you can decide if they are too deep, or too distorted to make you feel whole and normal again. Take your time and when heart and mind unite, you will get up And stride forward - whatever decision you take :)

SandyY2K · 28/01/2018 19:17

My mum said love is about tolerance so if you can tolerate him then why not.

What a low bar. No wonder so many women put up eith crap...their mothers tell them to. Very sad indeed.

SharonMott · 28/01/2018 21:34

Stop thinking you would be leaving because of the affair and worrying it looks weird because it was three years ago. Leave because you no longer love and respect him and want more for yourself. The affair might be the reason for those things and it might not but don't worry about how it looks. Crack on and be happy.

areanyusernamesleft · 30/01/2018 08:47

Yeah this is a s**t emotional dilemma to be in indeed and I’m struggling with a similar situation but after only 3 years. No one wants to make a wrong decision and look back on regrets but sometimes I think of a single, simpler life.

Your mindset sounds like you’ve made a decision, you want out, you sound strong but you’re struggling to actually execute what you think would be best for you in case you’re going through a ‘phase’ maybe. I may be reading you wrong but that’s the impression I get. Has he picked up on a change in you or anything?

IrianOfW · 30/01/2018 14:36

Blame has nothing to do with it. If you no longer respect him or enjoy his company that isn't anyone's fault. Divorces can happen without blame on either side.

FWIW I am still with DH 6 years down the line from his affair. Our marriage isn't better, it's different, a different marriage. I am a very different person. We related to each other in a totally different way. It's easier, more comfortable and more honest. I am less trusting and less naive. Affairs with do that to a person.

The most important thing is that I like me more than I have ever done and I don't need him - I stay because I wish to. If you don't wish to, don't.

GertieMotherwell · 30/01/2018 15:08

IrianofW
Thank you for that post. I’m not as far down the line as you but that is exactly how my life and marriage is now too.
You have said so clearly and succinctly exactly how I feel. Life is good 😊

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 30/01/2018 15:43

IrianofW and GertieMotherwell

Yes, me too. Three years on. Our marriage is also a different marriage. We carry the scars (him: shame; me: loss of naivety and faith in people). But what it is is real in a way it wasn't before. And that's deeper and, in its own way, special.

OP, only you can decide what you value and whether your marriage is providing that.

GertieMotherwell · 30/01/2018 15:50

I think the most significant thing is the change in me dontknowwhatcomesnext

Personally, my life is much better and easier. I grab every opportunity and I’m living my life to the full whilst choosing to still have him in it.

Dadaist · 30/01/2018 19:51

Hi OP - I really feel for you- honestly. You are seeing things in a new light in which nothing is as simple or safe or trustworthy as it was. You know what he is capable of and maybe it’s tarnished your admiration, damaged your trust and left you feeling cheated of a life of warmth and satisfaction that you thought you had.
I think that in many respects- none of us have a chocolate box life and people have the most awful thoughts and feelings which - if we knew them would colour our perception of them and our relationship with them. Fortunately we are not punished for our thoughts but for our actions- and your DH revealed himself to you when he acted to betray you.
But (and I’m in no way undermining your feelings) he has shown regret and remorse and wanted to repair the damage. That is far more than many people. And had he come here for advice there would be those who would advise him not to confess - and work on the issues that led him to stray.
I don’t think you can see him as the same person. But if he is genuinely remorseful then perhaps you can view him as a flawed person as we all are.
Whether you can live with his actions or not - people are not what we would like them to be, life is not the chocolate box we ordered and who is to say that what happens next will be better? You know in your heart what matters to you. You don’t have to apologise to anyone for leaving or staying. Just see things as real rather than painted to match an ideal that may not exist. Whatever you decide - good luck OP.

Tumbleweeds24 · 30/01/2018 20:14

You sound so strong OP

Cheating is disgusting, a full blown affair makes it even worse.

I found out 2 days ago my partner cheated on me on Christmas day and got his ex pregnant.

I can't wait to get to the place where you are at, I truly do envy your strength. You sound brilliant.

You tried your best. He is unbelievably lucky you gave him another chance, even though he didn't deserve it.

It doesn't matter how much time has passed, if it's changed the way you look at him then nobody is to blame but him. You can't help how you feel.

Forgive the cliche but sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge. This is the price he pays for letting you down and treating you with such disrespect.

You're great x

serialcheat · 31/01/2018 00:18

' The scars of his affair are always going to be there '

They aren't scars, they are open, weeping, puss filled wounds.

You are trying to trying to stitch it together, which for YOU, personally, isn't working, not completely and as such, you're not healing......

another20 · 31/01/2018 02:54

Sometimes your emotions are far ahead of your thinking and vice versa.
They will come together soon one side of the fence or the other.
You don't have to rush a decision.....
BUT give yourself permission to make that decision for YOU.
As PP have said - he will carry on being a good DF if you separate.
Don't live a lie - don't stay for him, your DM, your DF or your DS.
Stay only for you.
Maybe look into the practicalities of leaving.
Maybe invest in some counselling for you.
Maybe talk to your DH about your feelings and take it to CC.