Marriage isn't the same after husband's affair

[Stillnotoverit]

My husband had an affair just over 3 years ago and although I've never posted on mumsnet, I've read almost every thread on affairs, a lot of advice that has got me through the last 3 years.

This isn't so much about his affair but more about how I've changed so much and how I actually just can't get over it.

Long story short: my husband had an 8 month physical and emotional affair 3 years ago. He almost left to be with her but when his bags were packed at the door he chose to stay and I chose to fight for our marriage for us and our son.

The first couple of years were torture (alternating between raging anger and raging passion at the flick of switch) but we turned a corner this last year and are back to the way things were before.

He's done absolutely everything to make things right, full access, always accountable, genuinely remorseful. He hasn't so much as looked at her once. He's a much better husband and better dad and is sincerely sorry. He hasn't faltered at all.

Our marriage is better in some ways (better communication, realistic expectations) but here's the problem:

I love him but I can't look at him the same way as I did before. It's almost as though he's lost something I need. I don't know how to explain, but I feel numb when I look at him. We can laugh and joke now (only just about) but when we stop laughing, I look at him and at least a few times a day I think about what he did.

I've been exercising more, looking after myself and working on my own self confidence so I'm in a better place mentally now than I was. But now I look at him and just think he's a bit pathetic for what he's done and that I'm pathetic that I've stayed.

It's so hard to explain but I've grown as a person since his affair (learnt things about my self, worked on my own friendships, found hobbies that mean I'm not just sat on the sofa all of the time). All of this, while he just seems to have diminished in my estimation. I can't really truly erase what he's done from my memory and when I look at him, the blank feeling is always lurking.

I don't really want to be with him anymore as I've realised my son and I would be completely capable without him. I didn't feel like this 3 years ago and my self worth was totally destroyed when I found out but now I feel different.

Some of our friends and family knew about his affair and I've spoken to my mum and a couple of friends about how I feel and they all say that I can't do this. That I can't break up our family not when he's putting so much effort in to being a perfect husband and dad.

The problem is, I just can't look at him in the same way and I don't know if this empty feeling is really enough of a reason to throw away 15 years of marriage???

Would any marriage really be any different after this long? Can I still blame his affair for the way I feel towards him even after so long? I just feel numb when I think about him and have this feeling that I should do better than spending my life with a man who betrayed me so cruelly. But then, he's trying so hard to make up for it.

It's so hard to know what to do. Can I break my family apart over something he did so long ago that he is so sorry for just because I can't look at him the same way without being reminded of it all.

It just seems so silly writing it down.

Think it would be helpful if you talked about your feelings in the couple therapy sessions. That is probably the most likely way to resolve this one way or the other.
Is there a reason why you haven't talked about the way you feel?

You tried. Many wouldn't. You gave it your best but you don't want to live the rest of your life like this. Time to move on. I'm a great believer In looking to the future, the damage is done and there's no going back. Don't waste any more time OP. And most definitely DO NOT feel sorry for him. He did this intentionally with no regard for you. Ok so he's tried to put it right, but he can't undo what he's done. And you have no obligation to him. None whatsoever. Good luck.

Crikey no wonder your self esteem was low if the people around you think you should be grateful because your husband tried to make amends after having a long affair.

You've grown up - and out of your relationship, and also beyond your immediate circle. Don't buckle beneath this pressure, keep following your new path and only look back to reflect, no u-turns!

He spent 8 months, having sex with someone else. Kissing her, cuddling with her, stroking her hair. While you were at home alone? In bed alone? Looking after the dc?

He massively betrayed you. He was a selfish, cheating bastard. He packed his bags, and said he was going to live with her? Fuck him, I'd have told him "she can have you, I can do better than the likes of you, ta!" And changed the locks! Have you discussed why he didn't leave? I'd worry the OW didn't want to be in a relationship with him, or him moving in.

Do you wish you hadn't taken him back?

It doesn't matter how "good" he's been (that you know of) in the last few years. It doesn't erase the bad. He's not the person you married anymore. Your marriage has been forever tainted by him basically having a mistress. And other people know about it. Your dc might hear gossip one day. How long will he stay faithful this time?

The fact you can't look at him the same way, says it all. I doubt your feelings will change. I'm sure being intimate can't have been easy, at the start. Or much better now. My ex cheated but I had no proof, and he denied and denied. And treated me like crap, weird defensive or evasive behaviour all the time. It got to the point where I couldn't even hug him. He seemed so fake and sleazy all of a sudden, and his touch made my skin crawl. I resented his very presence, even knowing he was in a different room. I felt like a mug, and like everyone must be feeling sorry for me or laughing at me behind my back. He broke up with me, for a year. So he could see other people apparently. Then he made all the promises, I took him back (and a lot of other crap happened). Things were good for a while, then he was caught again (last year). This time I had eyewitness's, and kicked him out.

It was the best thing I ever did. We could never have patched things up. Even if he had changed and been Mr. Wonderful, I would still have been thinking about the shitty things he did, resenting what he put me through and his presence in my home, and still felt my skin crawl when he touched me.

You're a different you now too. A much stronger you!

"actually I can do better than someone who cheated on me
I feel stupid for taking him back
I'm a stronger more independent person than I used to be
I'll always look at him and think what a selfish fool he was
I've grown as a person because of all this and I don't want to feel like I'm settling"

Don't stay to please anyone but you (or to make their lives easier).

It doesn’t matter if its 5, 10, or 15 years. If you aren’t feeling it you aren’t feeling it. It doesn’t matter how hard he’s tried (you could say he should have tried not to fuck someone else, try saying that to your unhelpful friends and Mum). Something has fundamentally changed inside you and it’s ok to say you gave it a go and it’s just not working. His actions destroyed what you had and you have every right to change your mind.

I think you've articulated it perfectly. You've given it a really good shot but he did irreparable damage. Don't settle.

Yes, you need to end it.

First thing: he trashed the marriage. You've spent the last three years still in the mariage, but that does not equate to the marriage being ok, or up to scratch. It simply means you have, for whatever set of reasons, stayed in it.

Second thing: it is always tricky to get opinions from close friends and family on this. With the best will in the world, their responses will always, inevitably, be biased. They have a vested interest not just in you being happy, but in themselves, as what you do affects them too. Your mum especially. She will have felt awful not only for you going through this experience, but for herself. Worrying that her DD is going through a divorce. Being alone. A single parent. What about money? What about the future? She's seen it all seeming to 'work out' over the last three years and breathed a sigh of relief. These are all the reasons she won't want to hear this and will try - as will your friends - to persuade you to think again. That's why it's so useful to get opinions somewhere like this - where the people replying to you aren't thinking about how your decision might affect them. Similarly, you'll get a perspective from them you can't get here - your real-life situ, which we can't know. Take what you need from both, with your eyes open.

Third thing: You really have genuinely given this your best shot I think. Time, compromise, counselling. Your posts are so self-aware: you've clearly taken time to think it all through, very much including how and why your own responses were what they were. You're right - you've grown. And you've come to your conclusions and I don't think that it is possible to now say 'Yes, I've come to all these conclusions - and have decided to ignore them, and choose stagnation. I'm going to stay in a marriage which has no real meaning to me any more with a man I don't respect. How can you do that? It really can't work.

Two things which stand out so much are these: firstly your acknowledgement of the good points in your H. You don't hate him. You have love for him. You can see the good. But you can also see it's not enough. There is no marriage without respect. He's not good enough.. Your view is considered and balanced. It's not going to be possible to dismiss it. Secondly, the sheer positivity which flashes into your words here:

actually I can do better than someone who cheated on me- I feel stupid for taking him back - I'm a stronger more independent person than I used to be - I'll always look at him and think what a selfish fool he was - I've grown as a person because of all this and I don't want to feel like I'm settling

I feel so different because of everything and I kind of want to draw a line under all of this. I want to start again with a clean slate either alone or meeting someone new where his affair no longer has any part in my life.

Your words here are just so... inspiring. It's like they're written by a different person to your unhappy, defeated tone when you describe what happened and how it changed life. You've healed all right. Healed enough to know that you are ready to really move forward with life... without taking the baggage with you. Those words are your future. I don't think you're going to be able to deny them their place.

Good luck.

It sounds like you're done. You tried. You shouldn't beat yourself up about it.

Sorry if I've missed it but how old are you OP? I'm guessing that you're in your forties. Can you really live like this for the next 30-40 years? It's a very long time to feel unhappy.

Your family and friends aren't living your life. They don't have to remember that awful sick feeling of betrayal from the person who should have cared about you the most. It's ok to say that the marriage is over because you cannot get over his affair no matter how sorry he is. The reality is that you don't feel the same about him any more and it's time to start being honest about it.

Stilnot I'm reading a couple of books by Esther Perel (www.estherperel.com/ ) at the moment which you may find helpful (she's a relationships counsellor, but her views may go against your current counsellors views)

The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity - a book for anyone who has ever loved - www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B074L6T99M/ref=oh_aui_d_detailpage_o00_?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8

Mating in captivity - www.amazon.co.uk/Mating-Captivity-Esther-Perel-ebook/dp/B0071M88DQ/ref=pd_sim_351_1?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=26MC0J2F4XX562PGWASD

Good luck in whatever you decide to do

Thats a great post FizzyGreenWater. I think the thing is some people need marriages that feel 'more up to scratch' than others. Some people will be happy at 60% ok, some will never settle for anything less than 98% ok and whats a dealbreaker for one may well be a 'bit of an annoyance' for another. its a very individual thing and nothing wrong with being the person that wants 98% or would rather not bother.

Terrific post from Fizzy.

My ex husband had an affair. It didn't have a 'happy' outcome like yours in that wouldn't give her up so after 4 long years I eventually divorced him.
I thought I could have made it work if he would give her up, but I know now in my heart that I woudn't have. Sorry I know it's not about me - but I found the only way I could cope with the pain was by looking at him with some kind of remoteness and distance. I wonder if that's what you have done and now you can't get back the feeling you once had. Perhaps you don't want to, because he's hurt you so badly you don't want to be vulnerable again.
Anyway you sound like you're doing well - I'm sure you'd get snapped up by some gorgeous bloke and live happily ever after. That's what I did!!
Good luck!!

You've expressed yourself beautifully. I completely understand what you're saying. You've made real changes and realise that you can live your life without the man who betrayed you. You've made huge strides in moving forward, I'm very impressed. I hope you have a happy future, whatever you decide.

Is he likely to throw it back at you, how much he’s tried? Because you have tried despite his affair which is worth so much more. You didn’t even have to do that.

I have a different yet similar situation my H was awful to me for a couple of years completely emotionally abandoned me and yet denied it.

4 years ago I told him it was over, he asked me to stay. It is only very recently that I've been able to start really loving him again before that I just instinctively held back so I couldn't get hurt again.

It will always be different neither of us are the same anymore but me truly being able to deeply love him again has only happened in the last couple of months.

Only you know what's right for you but I think 3 years is seemingly early days IME as we're 6 years on from the start of the crises!

Please take a look at chump lady.. her website book and forums are great. Have a look at she says about Esther Perel and the like. You deserve to be happy and are the one continuing to eat the shit sandwich....most cheaters cheat again they just get better at hiding it. The only question is is this relationship acceptable to you?
www.chumplady.com/

I stayed.
I worked so hard at trying to make it work and forcing trust and love that didn't come naturally and it almost destroyed me.
Some people can make it work, but you can never see your spouse the same way you did before the affair.
In the end, he had another affair ten years later and I left him (there were tears and begging and claiming it was a mistake the second time too). It was a complete relief that time. I felt like I finally had a reason to leave.
I wish I'd done it long before though. You don't have to stay in a marriage if you don't want to. That's a good enough reason.

I'm disgusted that so called friends are encouraging you to stay and making you second guess your very valid feelings.

It's the shattered glass thing, isn't it? I don't think it can ever be repaired properly. Once trust has gone, I don't think it can ever return.

Your parents and friends have had a different experience of marriage than you. Maybe they have lower standards. Maybe they haven't experienced what you have. In any case, you were wronged and yet they are wrong to suggest you forgive and forget.

May I put a point forward that you have to consider what life will be like apart. It might be worse as many are able to attest. It could well be better as many are able to attest. Only you have the information to work that out so please don't judge or make decisions based on advice from people who may be supporting their own decisions in their recommendations. randommess speaks on this point from experience. Marriages are not easy, affairs of the heart are not easily forgiven and certainly never forgotten. Only you know what can be but to the outsider the signs are good that something is still there that can be built on.

Mind you there is one thing I agree with, if he does it again change the locks and kick him out of the house and your heart.

May I put a point forward that you have to consider what life will be like apart.

I think the OP has done this.

I feel so different because of everything and I kind of want to draw a line under all of this. I want to start again with a clean slate either alone or meeting someone new where his affair no longer has any part in my life.

That I can't break up our family not when he's putting so much effort in to being a perfect husband and dad.
That is standing out for me.
For you to stay, it should be because it works for YOU. Not because someone else has made some efforts. Are your feelings and wishes not worth as much as his?
The reality is that y Ur DH has made a lot of efforts. That’s great! But then surely, he should have made those efforts (to be a good husband and dad) in the first place anyway. And all the rest (being open etc etc) wouldn’t have been needed if he hadn’t had an affair.

I think the bottom line is that you have changed. He has too but the way you both changed has changed the relationship between you.