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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

There's something going on with my partner

90 replies

scorpio93 · 24/01/2018 16:08

We've only been together a year. But over the past few months, my partner has been more distant. He has become rude and obnoxious and majority of the time I feel undervalued, unappreciated, unwanted and unloved. He is a few years younger than me for the record, he can be quite immature at time.
I try to speak to him about it because he way he is with me is making me feel very insecure. He says he's "lost himself" and once he finds himself he will be back to how he was... he won't elaborate as he says he doesn't understand it himself.
Now to me, it sounds like a bit of a cop out - but who am I to judge him.

It's got to the point where I'm beginning to get frustrated and irritable at the lack of affection and attention he's showing me. I used to always feel so loved and wanted and now I don't. Now it feels like he will hug me habitually rather than wanting to.

He's always demanding I do stuff for him. He gets annoyed if the washing up isn't done when he fancies cooking himself breakfast... I do all the housework, I'm a part time mature uni student AND I look after the children. I don't feel like he cares much anymore. Though he says he does when I confront him and turns it around saying "when you say stuff like that it makes me think you don't care about me". To which we have the SAME argument over and over "I wouldn't get upset if I didn't care" etc etc. Boring and draining.
Yesterday I attended my uncles funeral. The same place we held my grandmas last month. It was incredibly difficult. Once home I rung him crying telling him about it and told him I really need him to comfort me and all he said was "awww bless, well I'm going out with XXXXX this eve so I'll see you later". And I was left feeling incredibly sad wondering why the f*ck my once ever so caring boyfriend no longer wants to look after me and would rather go out for a meal with his mate!?

I have no idea if I am overreacting - please can someone help me shed light on this, don't know how much more I can take

OP posts:
LineyS · 24/01/2018 16:12

Has he moved in with you? He's taking you for granted, he's 'obnoxious', and he won't improve. And your children don't need this crap. Sorry, but he sounds such a drain.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 24/01/2018 16:14

And what are his good points?

scorpio93 · 24/01/2018 16:14

He stays 3 nights a week and spends all weekends here. But recently he now leaves "for a bit" at the weekend claiming he will be an hour cos he needs a break from us. Then returns 4-6 hours later.

The kids aren't his biologically either.

It's so draining, I am nearing the end of my tether

OP posts:
scorpio93 · 24/01/2018 16:15

His good points are barely recognisable anymore, I hardly ever feel like he even likes me, let alone loves me. It's the worst feeling ever because I do everything to try to please him with no reciprocation

OP posts:
Babyblues052 · 24/01/2018 16:15

I would get rid. He doesn't care about you. He gets a sweet deal getting everything done for him. Sounds as though he's using you and you're an inconvenience when you need him. That's a horrible way to live Sad

maybebabybee · 24/01/2018 16:15

He's taking you for a mug OP.

scorpio93 · 24/01/2018 16:16

Babyblues052 - that's exactly how it feels sometimes tbh😔😔 but I hang on in hoping it'll change, he said a month or so ago it'll change. But it's getting worse

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 24/01/2018 16:18

Finding himself, also known has forgot he wasn't single when he shagged someone else.

He makes you feel shit. Come on, you can do better than h8m. Get rid.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/01/2018 16:18

Tell him if he's 'lost himself' then he needs to go 'find himself' somewhere else!

ChristmasCakes · 24/01/2018 16:18

It's not going to change! He's an arsehole. Tell him to fuck off.

DarthArts · 24/01/2018 16:20

I'd suggest he moves out until he "sorts himself out".

If he wants to behave like an arse he can do it on his own time and dime. He doesn't get to have the benefits you provide whilst being a negative influence on your household.

Tell him to go. It's either going to shock him into getting his act together or you splitting up because he's not invested in the relationship - but better the latter now than months of his crap behaviour.

SuperSkyRocketing · 24/01/2018 16:22

He's using you. Bin him off. Being single is a million times better than having someone treat you like that.

scorpio93 · 24/01/2018 16:22

I've had an inkling he's cheated. He's always on his phone these days, even when I'm talking as soon as it goes off, he is on it and doesn't listen to me.
He winds me up showing me other females on IG like "she's fit?" Uhhh well I feel great, thanks🖕🏻
But he's also very body conscious, he's not exactly "ripped" and it makes him feel bad about himself - so I can't actually imagine him cheating on me...
I took his virginity... (he's a fully grown adult but he had no confidence when we first met. Now he's overly confident and I think, why would a man wana sleep with the same woman forever? I know some do but not really in this generation (mid 20s).

I just don't know

OP posts:
scorpio93 · 24/01/2018 16:25

He also lies a lot. Like the most dumbest lies you could imagine. Over something that no one would lie about. For example he will say he's told someone something but hasn't... and I'm like, whether you did or didn't has no affect on my life so why not just tell the truth. And it makes me question EVERYTHING he has ever told me.
He also has removed everything to do with me on his fb since I deactivated mine. Like he's hiding the fact he has a girlfriend?

I'm super paranoid, I know I am. But I have been messed around before and I'm not willing to feel how I once did again

OP posts:
StormTreader · 24/01/2018 16:27

Whoa whoa - he doesnt even live with you full time and hes complaining the washing up isnt done to his liking? While ditching you at the weekend?
I suspect he has another woman on the side who he is seeing for those meals out and 4-6 hour slots at the weekend, but even if he doesnt I would still be saying to get rid - youre basically just providing him with a free apartment with staff! What kind of partner doesnt even make the effort to comfort someone upset from a funeral?

hellsbellsmelons · 24/01/2018 16:27

Good grief.
Why the hell are you putting up with this?
What an awful example of a relationship to set for your poor DC!!
If you have a DD would you be OK with a bloke speaking to her like this?
Telling her to do the washing up etc...?
I think your boundaries are all wrong.
You are not spotting red flags soon enough.
You need to pull up your big girl pants and dump this useless waste of space.
How much does he give toward living expenses as he's at yours a good few days and nights a week????
Please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
You really need to recognise the abuse here.
You also need to do their Freedom Programme - and fast!!!
Be on your own for a while.
Then find a nice mature man, your own age!

BlackPeppercorn · 24/01/2018 16:28

It's run its course. Get shot of him.
Tell him to go off and find himself. When he's found himself, get lost again.

LittleFeileFooFoo · 24/01/2018 16:29

I think you are answering your own questions here. He's changing and not for the better. He sounds like he wants to leave and he wants to be the good guy at the same time. All this"if i didn't care i wouldn't yell" is crap.

Cut him lose op, go find yourself a healthy relationship let him go.

Tentomidnight · 24/01/2018 16:30

Finish it.

IfNot · 24/01/2018 16:30

You've only been together a year and he's been acting like this for months?
He's not your partner then, really, is he?
God woman how much shitter are you prepared to feel before you change the locks and tell him to get lost? Find your self respect and get rid. You will immediately feel much better.

scorpio93 · 24/01/2018 16:31

Hellsbellsmelons - I agree it's a bad example and I've tried speaking to him saying he can't act like that in front of the kids. They need to see their parents mutually respecting eachother so they can row up knowing what respect and a decent relationship looks like.

It was perfect to begin with, this is why it's so difficult.

We've had a break before and he sorted his shit out for a week or two (or appeared to) but it's got worse since then now!

I'm forever feeling to just call it all off but then how do I explain it to the kids?

It's a mess

OP posts:
scorpio93 · 24/01/2018 16:32

I know you're all right and I think the point of this post in my subconscious was hoping for everyone who answers to tell me what I needed to hear.

So thank you all!

I'm gona do it!

Honestly, thanks for all the responses

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 24/01/2018 16:32

I'm exhausted just reading about his nonsense. No idea how you're putting up with him.

Sounds like you've given this plenty of thought OP. Chuck him out. He sounds absolutely awful. Even you are struggling to think of a single good point of his. Life will be so much nicer without him around

LittleFeileFooFoo · 24/01/2018 16:32

The Facebook thing isof course because he's cheating our trying too. Don't go letting him give you stds, op!
Be the adult and end it yourself. Take control. You've been through this before, don't let it get miserable again!

LittleFeileFooFoo · 24/01/2018 16:34

It's good for the kids to see you being strong. I'll bet they well be happy to not hear the nagging and fights.

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