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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

There's something going on with my partner

90 replies

scorpio93 · 24/01/2018 16:08

We've only been together a year. But over the past few months, my partner has been more distant. He has become rude and obnoxious and majority of the time I feel undervalued, unappreciated, unwanted and unloved. He is a few years younger than me for the record, he can be quite immature at time.
I try to speak to him about it because he way he is with me is making me feel very insecure. He says he's "lost himself" and once he finds himself he will be back to how he was... he won't elaborate as he says he doesn't understand it himself.
Now to me, it sounds like a bit of a cop out - but who am I to judge him.

It's got to the point where I'm beginning to get frustrated and irritable at the lack of affection and attention he's showing me. I used to always feel so loved and wanted and now I don't. Now it feels like he will hug me habitually rather than wanting to.

He's always demanding I do stuff for him. He gets annoyed if the washing up isn't done when he fancies cooking himself breakfast... I do all the housework, I'm a part time mature uni student AND I look after the children. I don't feel like he cares much anymore. Though he says he does when I confront him and turns it around saying "when you say stuff like that it makes me think you don't care about me". To which we have the SAME argument over and over "I wouldn't get upset if I didn't care" etc etc. Boring and draining.
Yesterday I attended my uncles funeral. The same place we held my grandmas last month. It was incredibly difficult. Once home I rung him crying telling him about it and told him I really need him to comfort me and all he said was "awww bless, well I'm going out with XXXXX this eve so I'll see you later". And I was left feeling incredibly sad wondering why the f*ck my once ever so caring boyfriend no longer wants to look after me and would rather go out for a meal with his mate!?

I have no idea if I am overreacting - please can someone help me shed light on this, don't know how much more I can take

OP posts:
HoppyHannah · 24/01/2018 17:04

Oh and change your locks if he has a key to yours too.

Jaxinthebox · 24/01/2018 17:04

a year! It should still be fun and interesting and loving and all the good bits.

Get rid, you dont want your children seeing this nonsense or thinking it is ok to treat someone as he is you.
Then focus on you, your children and how to have a healthy relationship with someone in the future.

SandyY2K · 24/01/2018 17:05

He's not ready for this kind of committed relationship and now he's sexually confident, he doesn't want to be tied down.

He just doesn't know how to say it. He'll probably be relieved when you dump him.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 24/01/2018 17:06

Get some black plastic bin liners (strong ones or cheap ones depending how generous you’re feeling), Then bag up his stuff.

Ghost - I though you were going to say,
"Get some black plastic bin liners, beat him to death with the iron and then we'll help you dismember his corpse, bag it up indispose of it in various parts of the country"

I'm not sure whether I'm relieved or disappointed . . . Grin

Luckyme2 · 24/01/2018 17:06

Agree with all the PP here. You've only been together a year and have already had a break to sort things out and he's been treating you like shit for a few months! He's not your DCs parent. Show him the door!

Tinkie25 · 24/01/2018 17:06

I read your first post and thought why the hell are you with him, then each message afterwards made him sound worse.

I’m glad you’ve made the decision to end it, this is not a relationship you want your kids growing up to think is right. You’ll be much happier without his sorry arse in your life. 💐💐💐

SchadenfreudePersonified · 24/01/2018 17:08

if you have anything you care about at his house, i suggest reclaiming it before you tell him he's dumped

This ^

You could mention that he wasn't that good at sex anyway and you have stopped feeling sorry for him since he started being such a git so you'd prefer not to spend time with him anyway.

LovingLola · 24/01/2018 17:12

AND I look after the children
and
They need to see their parents mutually respecting each other

They are your children. He is not their parent.
I have no idea why he is in your life, let alone your children's life.
Get rid of him.

LittleFeileFooFoo · 24/01/2018 17:13

I'm also sorry about your miscarriage op, i had three before ds was born, and that was with a loving partner and no fighting!

Move him along and post all about it here for us we will cheer and support you through this.

loveyoutothemoon · 24/01/2018 17:14

The first 10 months was all a show and he started showing his true colours a few months back!

He's hiding the fact he's with you because he wants to shag about.

Dump him now!

GallicosCats · 24/01/2018 17:17

He needs to start putting the bins out. He might find himself there.

Lindy2 · 24/01/2018 17:20

If he was acting awfully in October about your pregnancy and miscarriage, then for quite a chunk of your year long relationship he's been pretty horrible hasn't he.

HoppyHannah · 24/01/2018 17:20

GallicosCats.

Snort. I know it's a difficult situation for OP, but I think a little humour is a good thing sometimes!

sadie9 · 24/01/2018 17:21

Sorry about your miscarriage OP. You don't want to be having another child with this man. He's not your children's father and obviously doesn't want to be anyone's father any time soon.
Sometimes when a child (or another close family member) sees the person they care about being 'controlled' by someone else, it causes them to kick off. This might be what you are seeing from your child. If this man is taking up a lot of your attention lately, then your child may be signalling they need more attention from you.
It sounds like your partner is just like another big kid and he is acting like you are his nagging mother. How dare he give out about the kitchen being untidy. He sounds like a teenager.

mari652 · 24/01/2018 17:21

He is just being cowardly about calling a halt to your relationship himself - he knows he is behaving badly but is waiting for you to do it, so he somehow isn't the bad guy and doesn't actually have to man up about his changed feelings. Not an unknown scenario :/

Haffiana · 24/01/2018 17:22

The only thing I would add, is to have a good long think about why you put up with this behaviour.

How did it ever get to the point where you do all the housework? Did you feel that doing all the housework would make him love you? What worries me is that your arguments revolved around who 'cares more' for who, rather than a fair, simple and practical 'clean up your own mess in the kitchen'.

If it is because you are needy, then it might be an idea to investigate whether your Uni has any counselling services for students that you can access. Being so dependent on a partner for care and comfort is not really healthy. If you bring a strong sense of self-worth to a relationship, then you are far more likeley to be valued.

PeacefulBlessing · 24/01/2018 18:31

I think you should have reached the end ofyour tether long ago.

I can't believe you're putting up with this.

What is the point if you feel unapprecuated and unloved?

AcrossthePond55 · 24/01/2018 18:32

You've made the right decision. Bag his shit up and take it elsewhere so he doesn't have to come to get it, tell him where to find it and then change the locks (assuming he has a key). Remember that you don't owe him any explanation other than "You don't treat me right. I am not happy and we are done".

Tell your children that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness and that he wasn't treating you that way. Tell them than everyone has the right to end a relationship if they are not happy with the way they are being treated. It's a valuable lesson that cannot be learnt any too soon!!

AngelsSins · 24/01/2018 18:55

Sounds like he wants you to play mummy to his stroppy teenager. Also sounds like he's cheating or planning to. You can do better than this OP, you must know that?

DancesWithOtters · 24/01/2018 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littletinyme1 · 25/01/2018 02:51

I think you need to make much wiser decisions in your life. You are a mother to two children without their father in their lives. You ended up pregnant by this no hoper, which would have left you a lone mother with three fatherless children.

Why in Gods name have you exposed your children to some man who has made no commitment to you. Many women would not have introduced their young kids to a boyfriend by 1 year in.

Do you want a series of inadequate men in your and their lives? If not, start setting the bar higher so that you can find a man you deserve and who can be a real father to your all your kids. This one sounds like a kid himself, but you choose him and allowed him into all of your lives.

vwlphb · 25/01/2018 05:22

Glad to hear you’ve decided to move on.

There’s an old saying: Whereever you go, there you are.

People never actually “lose themselves”. You’re always right whereever you are. People who say they’ve “lost themselves” actually just don’t want to take ownership of the way they’re behaving.

mustlovedogs · 25/01/2018 05:34

You're referring to this guy as your kids 'parent' in less than a year?! And part of that year he's been treating you like garbage, and taking off on the weekends for 4-6 hours at a time??!!! Shock

MistressDeeCee · 25/01/2018 06:00

WHY are you scurrying around cooking cleaning and washing for Mr Part-Time lover?

Come on, you owe it to yourself and your children to do better than this. Dump him. You're convenient to him that's all.

I'd have told that user loser to fuck off long ago. Hes just a man - whys he allowed to be in the way of your life do much?Weeping wailing and arguing isn't going to change him. I can't fathom what you need him for tbh

Explain what to the kids? He's not their dad and doesn't even live with you as a family...! Just find a gentle way to phrase it, and leave it at that

DarkPeakScouter · 25/01/2018 06:05

He sounds a right arse

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