There's something going on with my partner

[scorpio93]

We've only been together a year. But over the past few months, my partner has been more distant. He has become rude and obnoxious and majority of the time I feel undervalued, unappreciated, unwanted and unloved. He is a few years younger than me for the record, he can be quite immature at time.
I try to speak to him about it because he way he is with me is making me feel very insecure. He says he's "lost himself" and once he finds himself he will be back to how he was... he won't elaborate as he says he doesn't understand it himself.
Now to me, it sounds like a bit of a cop out - but who am I to judge him.

It's got to the point where I'm beginning to get frustrated and irritable at the lack of affection and attention he's showing me. I used to always feel so loved and wanted and now I don't. Now it feels like he will hug me habitually rather than wanting to.

He's always demanding I do stuff for him. He gets annoyed if the washing up isn't done when he fancies cooking himself breakfast... I do all the housework, I'm a part time mature uni student AND I look after the children. I don't feel like he cares much anymore. Though he says he does when I confront him and turns it around saying "when you say stuff like that it makes me think you don't care about me". To which we have the SAME argument over and over "I wouldn't get upset if I didn't care" etc etc. Boring and draining.
Yesterday I attended my uncles funeral. The same place we held my grandmas last month. It was incredibly difficult. Once home I rung him crying telling him about it and told him I really need him to comfort me and all he said was "awww bless, well I'm going out with XXXXX this eve so I'll see you later". And I was left feeling incredibly sad wondering why the f*ck my once ever so caring boyfriend no longer wants to look after me and would rather go out for a meal with his mate!?

I have no idea if I am overreacting - please can someone help me shed light on this, don't know how much more I can take

He sounds like he's already checked out of the relationship but doesn't have the balls to actually do it. When you do it (because you have to for the sake of your kids who are just seeing a dysfunctional relationship and learning to be a doormat / abusive twat depending on their gender) you won't see him for dust. As for what you tell the children, don't underestimate how perceptive they are. They'll be relieved to lose the tension that's inevitably in the air. Good luck!

It may have been perfect at the beginning OP. But it sounds like the perfect bit only lasted for a few months and has been completely overshadowed by what came next. Ditch this loser and reclaim your life and your DC’s lives.

Sounds like he is just using you. And you have come to realize that now.

Yes, your child playing up is probably doing that for a reason. You need to put your first priorities first, you real child, not man the child.

Good luck with the 'its over' chat. How are you going to do it?

Has he gone yet?

Also back in October we found out we were pregnant. He kept telling me to abort it even though I already have kids so why would I? I know how to care for children etc. He kept saying he "wasn't ready" I said, well you tell me you see my kids as your own so how can't you be ready. He had argument after argument and I ended up miscarrying. His response to that was "even fate knew I wasn't ready" I was a complete mess. I'd never experienced a miscarriage before.

He had probably already outgrown the relationship slightly and was just biding his time while feeling increasingly curious about what else might be out there for him. Having been young and very inexperienced when he got together with you, that's not unusual or unexpected. It's just unfortunate for you that being older and more ready for commitment, you wanted more from him than he was ready to give.

He's been using you as his roots, while wanting to flap his wings and prepare to fly, much like a teenager uses their parents. But you are not his mother so don't allow him to use you out of habit while he gets all his ducks in a row and then fucks off.

The unexpected PG was a wake up call and the catalyst for him. It's made him realise that if he's not ready to be a father then he needs to leave before he's trapped further. He's probably terrified that you are going to try to get PG again.

But he's too comfortable there and too much of a coward to just get on with it and leave. He's behaving badly in the hope that you will do his job for him and end it.

It's time you gave him an assertive push in the direction of the door.

We've only been together a year.

Christ, I only just noticed that bit. I assumed you'd been together for several years from the way you were talking about him treating the children as his own and you being pregnant and assuming you'd keep it and he'd want it. He's not your life partner, not your children's father figure, he's just a fairly short-lived boyfriend who has cocklodged in your house because you've made it easy for him.

Just end it. He's not a father figure to your children even if you tell yourself he is, so don't feel bad on their account. Slow down next time, they deserve better than this and so do you.

I'd put money on him coming sniffing back if you dump him - he's immature and I'm sure you'd be better off with a better man! Good luck

Ugh. Don't put up with this shoddy treatment for a minute longer! Who the fuck does he think he is?! Dump him unceremoniously and raise your bar woman! You deserve better than this douche.

Sounds like he is treating you like crap so you dump him and he gets to be the victim and say you are the one that ended the relationship.

First speak to the DCs. Just give them some warning. Mum and DP don't see eye to eye these days and DP won't be round so much.

Whatever, it will probably be a relief to them when he has gone but I would prepare them. Their reaction might tell you something.

He is a nasty man - and he is double dipping.

Ditch.

You deserve so much better than this, I'm so glad to read you've decided to get rid of him.
Totally the right decision

He is a few years younger than me for the record, he can be quite immature at time.

I also didn't realise when I first replied just how young you both are.
Are you a Scorpio born in 93? If so then you are only just 24 yourself. So what does that make him? 20? 21?

If that's the case then I'm not surprised he's not ready for commitment and child with you and I'd be surprised if he wasn't a bit immature and confused.

He's an unreliable, flaky, spoilt, young man barely out of his teens and you've practically moved him in and encouraged your children to think he's Daddy within a few months of knowing him.

Yet a year ago he was still a virgin who'd never had a proper relationship.

Seriously, just slow your life right down. You have loads of time to find the right man to be a dad to your kids and to have more children with. Finish your degree, focus on the children you already have and on doing one thing properly at a time. That would be much better for your children than trying to make an overgrown boy their father figure after five minutes.

He's only 20/21? Not that his behaviour is good at all but it does out a different slant on things. You're older than him OP and you have children. I'm wondering why you thought this boy was ready for a serious relationship including raising children.

I suspect it's a serious relationship to you but it never was, to him. I'd like to bet he hasn't announced you as his girlfriend to anybody. Because you're not his girlfriend.

You're the fallback girl and sadly yes you may as well end it as he won't stay with you anyway. This isn't a relationship.

After you've been with someone a while (and I mean a few years here not a year), things relax and you sometimes take eachother for granted, but what he's expecting and how he's treating you isn't reasonable. He doesn't appreciate you and I worry about his lack of care.

You are better than this and far better off without him. It won't be easy to start with, but I think in your mind you know you'll be happier without him.