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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to put things right after freaking out over sexual preferences

88 replies

galaxychoc · 20/01/2018 11:56

I met a guy before Christmas and things are going amazingly well. We saw each other four times before he went back to his job which is abroad. I booked flights to see him in February and am really excited. Different things which have been long absent with other guys and which I've considered really important are there with him.
We just had a bit of a hiccup this morning and I just want advice on how to ensure this doesn't become a big deal.
We are really attracted to each other and make jokes and talk about having sex when I come over to him which I really enjoy and I am as big a part of the flirting and teasing as he is.
He went out last night and I woke up this morning to texts about what he would like to do to me when I go to see him. Obviously I replied and he rang and we were talking about it and other General stuff aswell like our plans for the day etc.
The problem is that I got a bit freaked out when he asked me ny view on two things and maybe told him more than I should have. He asked what my view was on being slapped and also him cumming on my face.
I said they were an absolute no no and he said he would never slap me during it or any other time and he only asked about cumming on my face as he thought it would be nice to come on my chest and he would just like to know that if it went in that general area that I wouldn't be cross. That was fine and we continued our conversation about General things and we were in good mood when we hung up.
He texted then and said he hoped I didn't think he was a creep but he was really looking forward to it and doing the things we spoke about. I then got a bit freaked out and said that was fine apart from doing the things I said were no nos and I would be upset if he did.
Then I stupidly mentioned that how something not very nice happened me when I was young (abuse by a neighbour) and that's probably why I freaked out about those two things and I didn't know why but that it was my issue and I was sorry for going weird on him. We spoke on the phone again and he said it was grand and I wasn't to be worrying about anything. He never mentioned what I told him about the abuse and he said we would talk later.
I'm here second guessing myself that a) I shouldn't have told him about the abuse as It's my issue and he doesn't need to know and
b) that why did I get so freaked out and almost upset when he mentioned those two things, even though he reassured me he didn't want to do either of them but part of me is wondering why mention them.

What do I say later when he texts as I feel a bit awkward about things and I really really like him so don't want him to think he can never talk about that kind of stuff to me. How can I smooth things over because it was a bit awkward on the phone?

OP posts:
cansu · 20/01/2018 11:58

Tbh I would be running a mile.

TatianaLarina · 20/01/2018 12:04

If amazingly well is sexting and him wanting to cum on you face, I can’t imagine what badly looks like.

Showergel1 · 20/01/2018 12:09

I think it's good that he is asking for your preferences. I would move on with the chat rather than attempting to smooth things over. Therefore nothing to smooth over.
He asked. You answered. You explained your answer.

Quartz2208 · 20/01/2018 12:11

Because it sounds like he is planning on over ruling you and has already made you feel that it is your issue that has made you say no. You are wanting to smooth it over, how long will it be before that involves you agreeing

Trills · 20/01/2018 12:15

When you said it was an absolute no-no, did he say
"I hear you and I will not do those things, it is important to me that you have a good time"
or did he try to explain to you why he should be allowed to do those things even though you'd just said no?

I also note that he "downgraded" from ejaculating on your face to ejaculating on your chest, but you have not said that you would like that either.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 20/01/2018 12:18

If he asked those 2 particular questions then obviously it's something he gets off on!!! Oh, and if it 'accidentally' happens during sex he wants to know you wouldn't be cross!?!? I predict there will be regular 'accidents' and he is pre warning you.

No fucking way would I be persuing this, he DOES sound like a fucking creep and you sound so bloody apologetic for having boundaries!!! Why are you explaining yourself to him??
He is warning you op, that is EXACTLY what he's into. Bin.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/01/2018 12:19

He sounds horrible!

Helmetbymidnight · 20/01/2018 12:21

In the old days, we had sex and then chatted and explored stuff together.

Couldn't you just 'see how it goes'?

galaxychoc · 20/01/2018 12:21

I guess I just feel it was too soon to tell him what happened me and there was no need to for me to get freaked out about those two things. And this may be TMI but the abuse didn't involve either of those two things he mentioned so I'm not sure if it was that or the fact that I'd probably get upset if someone did that to me that freaked me out. When I gave my initial answer he was perfectly fine with that and said he wasn't into it either but it was good to know about my no nos. It was me that brought it up again over text and I feel I freaked out a bit too much.
Just to give an idea of the type of guy he is

  1. He texts me everyday
  2. He is kind and actually listens to me
  3. He is interested in my life and will ask me questions about minute things that I forgot I even told him
  4. We met up 4 times in 16 days even though he was out of the country for 3 of those days
  5. We are constantly laughing and joking and we have the same views on lots of different things

I just posted here wondering if I should bring it up when he texts later as I know abuse is something that's not somethin you just drop on someone and he mightn't have known what to say. And I feel it was too early to bring it up. I don't want him to feel guilty for talking about sex as I do enjoy it and I fear that me getting freaked out may make him feel very conscious of it.
I just don't know what to say about it all later.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 20/01/2018 12:25

What motivates a guy to tell a woman he wants to slap her and come on her face before they've even had sex?

Modern love eh.

galaxychoc · 20/01/2018 12:25

I actually told him that I wouldn't mind it on my chest so he wasn't overstepping any boundaries by suggesting that.

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 20/01/2018 12:26

I'd be cancelling the flights if I were you. This is someone you've been face to face with 4 times...based on the content of his texts I don't think it's relationship material, assuming of course that's what you're hoping for.

TatianaLarina · 20/01/2018 12:26

Sexting is fine if you know someone well/been together a while. But you’ve only recently met, seen him 4 times, and already he’s deep into sexting It’s a big red flag that he’s primarily interested in you for sex.

Massive turn off. I would have dropped him already.

TatianaLarina · 20/01/2018 12:27

Xpost Mum4Fergus - snap.

galaxychoc · 20/01/2018 12:28

He didn't say he wanted to slap me or ejaculate on my face he just asked my opinion on them. He was perfectly fine when I said they were no no's and that I didn't mind if he ejaculated on my chest. He was asking more in the sense "had anyone ever done it before" rather than asking me if he could.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 20/01/2018 12:29

100% he is into both of those things, he wouldn’t have asked you about hitting you if you hadn’t asked for it and he didn’t want to do it. My question for you would be how safe do you feel now? Do you trust he’ll accept your boundaries?

HermioneWeasley · 20/01/2018 12:29

Run for the hills. Why would he be asking about slapping you etc if he’s not into it and you’ve not even had sex yet? He’s testing your boundaries. Dump him.

TatianaLarina · 20/01/2018 12:29

I guess I just feel it was too soon to tell him what happened me and there was no need to for me to get freaked out about those two things

It’s far too soon for him to be sexting, that’s the point. That’s why it came up. That’s why men sharing sex fantasies text with women they barely know is a bad idea.

You shouldn’t be apologising to him, he should be apologising to you.

TatianaLarina · 20/01/2018 12:31

However he phrased it, he wants to know if he can cum in your face, and the reason he texted you that last night was because he was fantasising about it.

Don’t kid yourself.

It’s a big porn thing many men want to do it.

loveyoutothemoon · 20/01/2018 12:32

He asked you if you were into it because he is. Him saying he's not into it(when you said you weren't) is rubbish.

If you're OK with sexting before doing the deed then that's fine, everyone's different.

Don't feel bad about telling him about the abuse. I think it's good that he knows. But just be careful, he may just want sex when he's back in the country, but if you're OK with that it's fine.

BadTasteFlump · 20/01/2018 12:33

He sounds like a creep.

If he's not 'overstepping any boundaries' you need new boundaries.

user1474652148 · 20/01/2018 12:40

You have opened up too much too soon, way too soon. Your private abuse experience should not be discussed with a stranger ( he is a stranger) and does not care what happened to you, does this not trigger any alarm bells?
He is in this for sexual gratification only. He is testing your boundaries to see how far he can push you.
How ON EARTH can you put yourself in such a dangerous position by flying out there and trusting this man.
Run a bloody mile and don't be fooled. This man could not care less about you - you are paying to be used.
Run for the hills

Onecutefox · 20/01/2018 12:46

He sounds very immature with experience of watching too mich porn.
Wonder if you could sit on his face or slide on his chest a bit after coming. Wink

Ipickedthisone · 20/01/2018 12:47

If you were both mutually sexting/talking sex/discussing what you both like etc I don’t see how him asking her if she likes it is wrong or creepy?
Just because someone doesn’t like one particular kink doesn’t make the person that does creepy imo

MrsToddsShortcut · 20/01/2018 12:47

Please listen to your instincts, they are there for a reason.

This exchange has left you feeling uncomfortable and second guessing yourself, not to mention worrying whether you have upset him in some way.

no-one should feel that way after 4 dates! Any man who makes you feel like that is the wrong one.

For what it's worth, those things he has asked you about are classic porn moves, so if nothing else, he is clearly a porn user. To bring it up before you have even had sex, suggests that he is probably a massive porn user and is hoping you might help him fulfil some porn fantasies. Quite possibly before he dumps you.

The fact that he seems kind and into the same stuff as you is irrelevant - these things can be easily faked as a way in. You don't know him anything like well enough to know what he is really like.

This conversation alone is a red flag. The fact that it has left you feeling like this, turns it into a MASSIVE red flag.

Please don't go to see him. Believe me, there are lots of other nice men out there who genuinely respect women. I don't think he is one of them.

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