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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to put things right after freaking out over sexual preferences

88 replies

galaxychoc · 20/01/2018 11:56

I met a guy before Christmas and things are going amazingly well. We saw each other four times before he went back to his job which is abroad. I booked flights to see him in February and am really excited. Different things which have been long absent with other guys and which I've considered really important are there with him.
We just had a bit of a hiccup this morning and I just want advice on how to ensure this doesn't become a big deal.
We are really attracted to each other and make jokes and talk about having sex when I come over to him which I really enjoy and I am as big a part of the flirting and teasing as he is.
He went out last night and I woke up this morning to texts about what he would like to do to me when I go to see him. Obviously I replied and he rang and we were talking about it and other General stuff aswell like our plans for the day etc.
The problem is that I got a bit freaked out when he asked me ny view on two things and maybe told him more than I should have. He asked what my view was on being slapped and also him cumming on my face.
I said they were an absolute no no and he said he would never slap me during it or any other time and he only asked about cumming on my face as he thought it would be nice to come on my chest and he would just like to know that if it went in that general area that I wouldn't be cross. That was fine and we continued our conversation about General things and we were in good mood when we hung up.
He texted then and said he hoped I didn't think he was a creep but he was really looking forward to it and doing the things we spoke about. I then got a bit freaked out and said that was fine apart from doing the things I said were no nos and I would be upset if he did.
Then I stupidly mentioned that how something not very nice happened me when I was young (abuse by a neighbour) and that's probably why I freaked out about those two things and I didn't know why but that it was my issue and I was sorry for going weird on him. We spoke on the phone again and he said it was grand and I wasn't to be worrying about anything. He never mentioned what I told him about the abuse and he said we would talk later.
I'm here second guessing myself that a) I shouldn't have told him about the abuse as It's my issue and he doesn't need to know and
b) that why did I get so freaked out and almost upset when he mentioned those two things, even though he reassured me he didn't want to do either of them but part of me is wondering why mention them.

What do I say later when he texts as I feel a bit awkward about things and I really really like him so don't want him to think he can never talk about that kind of stuff to me. How can I smooth things over because it was a bit awkward on the phone?

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 20/01/2018 12:51

I totally agree with MrsTodds that things can be easily faked as a way in. You don't know him well enough to say if he's being genuine.

PositivelyPERF · 20/01/2018 12:53

Slapping your face and coming on your chest (he WILL come on your face galaxy) are very dominant behaviours. How do you feel about being in a relationship where your partner feels that he wants to dominate you?

People do not ask their sexual partner's how they feel about behaviours unless it's something they want to do. I know you don't want to hear it OP, but run a fucking mile from this man as he WILL start manipulating you into doing things that you don't want to. He WILL use your past history as a stick to beat you with. He will say that it's because of your past that you're reluctant to do these things. He will convince you that you are the one with problems. I've been there galaxy and I wish I had mumsnet to warn me. It's not YOU galaxy it IS HIM.

user1474652148 · 20/01/2018 12:53

Listen to Mrs todds very wise words she is spot on

Onecutefox · 20/01/2018 12:56

Here. He will say that it's because of your past that you're reluctant to do these things

RhubarbTea · 20/01/2018 12:57

Agree with MrsTodds, please listen to her.

Walkacrossthesand · 20/01/2018 12:57

Have you actually slept together at all yet, on your 4 dates?

Shockers · 20/01/2018 13:00

Honestly? I’d let this one go and see if there’s anyone who doesn’t fantasise over porn out there.

I suspect not ending it now could be something you regret (not particularly in a sinister way- more in a wasted your time on a loser type way) further down the line.

Shockers · 20/01/2018 13:01

Or worse- in a sinister way.

PositivelyPERF · 20/01/2018 13:02

Bty, galaxy I went on to met the most amazing, loving man that made it plain, by his actions, that he enjoyed sex, when I enjoyed it. He spent our life together trying to make me feel happy and secure in the bedroom and out of it. There are creeps, like this one, out there, but thankfully there are wonderful, loving, respectful men too.

Unlike your childhood abuse, YOU can control what kind of relationship you go into now. Don't give that control away.

Whitney168 · 20/01/2018 13:06

He was asking more in the sense "had anyone ever done it before" rather than asking me if he could.

He soooo wasn't and he will do both.

Does no-one have any boundaries about just getting to know people any more? (hoicks bosom)

Greatestshowgirl · 20/01/2018 13:15

I assumed you have already had sex?

I think he is out of order tbh after only seeing him four times. He wants to know if you would mind if he slapped you? That would be a no from me and I wouldn't see him again.

yetmorecrap · 20/01/2018 13:15

All I can say is if this is the norm, if ever I’m single again, I probably will be for a long time!!! My only response would have been byeeeeeee!!

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 20/01/2018 13:15

Meh. Light sexting as foreplay and building up the tension before you meet, fine.

But this level of "experimenting" with more kind of brutal sex play is something I would expect to see in a couple that had been sleeping together at least for a few months.

Its also something I personally would have wanted to broach in the moment before doing it - not by text and distance.

I wouldnt mind a bit of gentle slapping, I dont know how I feel about cum on my face. I would be willing to see how it made me feel - with my long term partner, not a man I was newly dating.

I dont think you should have told him about the abuse for two reasons:

it has nothing to do with the slapping and face cumming. You told him that as a people pleasing manoeuvre: you felt you couldn't just say no, you had to give him an "excuse". Thats wrong.
Its all going too quickly for my liking. You tell him about abuse by text, he mentions wanting to slap your face when fucking. WTF? Its way too early for this shit.

You need to examine your boundaries.

Greatestshowgirl · 20/01/2018 13:17

I don't think you know him well enough to be able to trust him. Especially if you have to fly to another country to find out.

yetmorecrap · 20/01/2018 13:18

Never mind do you prefer roses or Lily’s or gold or silver etc or drama or comedy , these utter tossers really like to cut to the chase!! Still , you now know what he is in it for, unless you of course are equally blunt and don’t mind the lack of romance

Quartz2208 · 20/01/2018 13:20

You should be put off by this:

What do you think of me cumming on your face

You: its an absolute no

Him: well if I aim for the chest and it gets on your face surely you wont be cross

He never asked you if he could, he asked you what you thought and when you said no basically told you not to be cross if that is what happens. He didnt ask because he is planning on doing it anyway

SleepFreeZone · 20/01/2018 13:21

That just seems such a strange thing to say during a conversation. I would guess he is into porn and I’d hoping to recreate some of the scenes.

When I was OLD I was talking to a guy who was obsessed with anal. Obviously at the beginning he seemed pretty normal but I remember him ringing me once and just going on and on about whether I would let him do that to me and that his ex used to yada yada yada. I hadn’t even met the guy!!! I just blocked him and ran, what a nutter.

tiptopteepe · 20/01/2018 13:23

im confused as to the advice youve got here!! Personally I think it sounds very healthy to be discussing things like that as long as you are both comfortable with the discusssion and it hasnt been forced in any way. It sounds like you were on board with discussing sex with him so i dont see why pp find this alarming!!
He seems to have reacted well to the things you have said. I honestly wouldnt worry. If what you have said has put him off in any way then he is a bastard and you are better off without him. You dont need to backtrack you were only being clear and honest and that is the right thing to do.
From what you have written his reaction doesnt sound bad anyway so I dont think you have anything to worry about.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/01/2018 13:23

He didn't say he wanted to slap me or ejaculate on my face he just asked my opinion on them. He was perfectly fine when I said they were no no's and that I didn't mind if he ejaculated on my chest.

Let's be clear - I've had this type of conversation before; and I have no problem with chatting about sex to find preferences/boundaries. However, it is disingenuous of him to ask - which is what he was doing, disguised as a slightly-less-forward "has anyone ever" question - and then pretend he didn't want to anyway. He did; which is why he asked. They are things he is into. It may well be that he meant no harm by lying but was embarrassed after you said they were hard no's, but you should both be aware that they are preferences of his.

I'd be a bit put out, then, that he lied instead of reassuring you that even if it was something he'd previously enjoyed or was keen to try, he understood you didn't want to and wouldn't try. I'm glad he was "perfectly fine"; but it didn't go far enough and I think that's why you feel uncomfortable.

Awkward as it may be, I think you may need to restart this conversation, so he can admit that he likes those things and you can together make sure you're both still feeling happy that your boundaries will be respected and your preferences are compatible.

Vitalogy · 20/01/2018 13:29

I think it's an off thing to text about if you've not even had sex yet. Would put me off for sure.

HipsterAssassin · 20/01/2018 13:36

Oh dear lord, my blood ran a bit cold reading the OP. No way should you have disclosed the abuse to a stranger. And he is a stranger. He made you feel uncomfortable and then apologise for it by making this disclosure. And now he knows that as well as porous boundaries your have additional vulnerabilities.

‘If I accidentally do something which is a no no for you - that’s ok isn’t it’ is the take away message from this phone call. How does that feel? Not nice.

You have absolutely no idea what this man is like. Men will got to incredible lengths to behave like relationship material before you get in the sack. There a loads of men (like this one) who love porn, and love the chase.

How long have you been doing OLD OP?

It’s not looking good re this man and I would be cancelling the flights.

You have posted here because your instincts are telling you something. Listen to those instincts. Ignore them at your peril.

Do not. Smooth things over with this stranger.

Block and move on.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 20/01/2018 13:39

Me and DH sexted a lot early on, before we slept together and spoke about certain likes. If it was relevant to the conversation, I don’t see why its a big thing?
Though we did know each other for a year before we got together, but not in a social context. He’s not abusive in anyway, which a lot of pp seem to be implying would happen.

Honestly, I dont think you should rehash the conversation unless you notice he’s acting differently towards you. Then find out if he has any problems with it and if so you can decide on what do to.

The main thing I think you should focus on is that you felt you needed to justify yourself in saying no to this. (which from your posts doesn’t sound like HE made you feel this way). I think in general you should try to remind yourself, it’s absolutely your right to say no without having to give a reason, and if the other person doesn’t accept it then you need to move on.

Theclockstruck2 · 20/01/2018 13:39

I agree with MrsTodd. I find it worrying that you are beating yourself up about your very normal and healthy reaction to him suggesting these things. There is no trust present in the relationship at this early stage. I would be running a mile.

Sleephead1 · 20/01/2018 13:41

Op I do think he is into that otherwise why bring it up but I don't think it's a problem as long as he respects that you don't want to do that. If he tries to do it or convince you to then I think that's a problem. He asked nothing wrong with that and you said no nothing wrong with that. I think your over thinking you say he was fine with it and didn't make you feel bad. It does sound like he limes to be dominant in the bedroom are you ok with that ?

Hermonie2016 · 20/01/2018 13:43

How old are you Op? I feel you are trying to be the cool girlfriend but you are overriding your instincts.

You shared too much because you felt your reaction wasn't right and you seems to be working much too hard to get him to like you.

Please value yourself and trust those uncomfortable feelings you are experiencing..it is your gut instinct.

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