How to put things right after freaking out over sexual preferences

[galaxychoc]

I met a guy before Christmas and things are going amazingly well. We saw each other four times before he went back to his job which is abroad. I booked flights to see him in February and am really excited. Different things which have been long absent with other guys and which I've considered really important are there with him.
We just had a bit of a hiccup this morning and I just want advice on how to ensure this doesn't become a big deal.
We are really attracted to each other and make jokes and talk about having sex when I come over to him which I really enjoy and I am as big a part of the flirting and teasing as he is.
He went out last night and I woke up this morning to texts about what he would like to do to me when I go to see him. Obviously I replied and he rang and we were talking about it and other General stuff aswell like our plans for the day etc.
The problem is that I got a bit freaked out when he asked me ny view on two things and maybe told him more than I should have. He asked what my view was on being slapped and also him cumming on my face.
I said they were an absolute no no and he said he would never slap me during it or any other time and he only asked about cumming on my face as he thought it would be nice to come on my chest and he would just like to know that if it went in that general area that I wouldn't be cross. That was fine and we continued our conversation about General things and we were in good mood when we hung up.
He texted then and said he hoped I didn't think he was a creep but he was really looking forward to it and doing the things we spoke about. I then got a bit freaked out and said that was fine apart from doing the things I said were no nos and I would be upset if he did.
Then I stupidly mentioned that how something not very nice happened me when I was young (abuse by a neighbour) and that's probably why I freaked out about those two things and I didn't know why but that it was my issue and I was sorry for going weird on him. We spoke on the phone again and he said it was grand and I wasn't to be worrying about anything. He never mentioned what I told him about the abuse and he said we would talk later.
I'm here second guessing myself that a) I shouldn't have told him about the abuse as It's my issue and he doesn't need to know and
b) that why did I get so freaked out and almost upset when he mentioned those two things, even though he reassured me he didn't want to do either of them but part of me is wondering why mention them.

What do I say later when he texts as I feel a bit awkward about things and I really really like him so don't want him to think he can never talk about that kind of stuff to me. How can I smooth things over because it was a bit awkward on the phone?

Your response to all of this is seriously needy OP and I'm worried for you. If you don't reign matters in very quickly, you will find yourself in a difficult, potentially seriously dangerous situation.
This isn't a relationship....its a sleazy bloke wanting his end off with a naive young woman who thinks she's being 'cool' .
God....this is so bloody sad.....
Stop it before matters get out of hand.

What struck me was your confusion about why you felt so uncomfortable about his suggestions (slapping, ejaculating on your face), your replies (no), and his response to your replies.

You said that you don't understand why his suggestions have made you feel so uncomfortable because you haven't experienced these particular sexual acts in the past.

But your underlying instincts are telling you exactly where your unhappiness is coming from. The link is between your terrible earlier experience of abuse, and the possibility of another episode of abuse from this new man.

Please listen to your instincts. Deep down your instincts have realised that this man has potential to be another abuser; below his cheerful surface something far darker and more dangerous has become apparent to you.

From my perspective as an older woman, you sound young and vulnerable; please take care of yourself and don't put yourself in danger with this man.

I don’t see any issue

The OP has clearly said she was as into sexting as him yet most people are labelling him a creep and suggesting he only wants her for sex have you forgotten the part where the OP says she enjoys the sexting as much as him? Does that mean she’s using him for sex aswell? Nah, didn’t think so..

My partner sometimes finishes on my face. I enjoy it, genuinely, before anyone tells me I couldn’t possibly enjoy that. He also asks me before doing it.

So what if he fantasised about doing it to you? Are we now saying men can’t fantasise? I sometimes think about stuff which I would NEVER DO! My partner and I have asked questions. Some men enjoy pain and having their balls squeezed extremely hard, I’ve asked my partner “what would you do if I did that?” yet I never would!!!

I'd be concerned about you travelling to see him in Feb. Is it a country you know?

I agree with others about the porn use - those things are classic porn.

I agree with chippyway. Are both those sexual practices so shocking and only reserved for porn stars? Not in my experience. I’ve done both, not really a big deal. Your worry is that you’ve given personal info too soon and I get that. I think I’d leave it for now and talk about it if he brings it up.

I ageee with you chippyway, my husband sometimes finishes on my face, I find it hot and sometimes I even request it! I also like slapping/spanking on occasion too , I don’t find it degrading at all, its a small part of our bedroom activities ;)

I feel this poor guy is being labelled as some kind of sexual degenerate cos he asked if she liked something when they were BOTH sexting each other !!

He didn’t have any knowledge of Op’s abuse when he asked this, I don’t see why everyone is labelling this guy as an potential abuser

That would creep me out. This man would definitely not be the man for me. Can't see nay man respecting a woman if he brings that up before you've even had sex.

Galaxy

Regardless of his intentions (and like everyone else on this thread I am deeply suspicious of his motive and future plans) what jumps out at me from your OP is that you feel you're not allowed to say no without a lengthy explanation which reveals a lot more of your past history than you feel comfortable with, and even having given that explanation (which he did not deserve), you're still feeling guilty about it.

So (apologies for yelling)
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY NO. FOR ANY REASON. TO ANY PRACTICE THAT DOESN'T FLOAT YOUR BOAT. WITHOUT EXPLANATION. WITHOUT GUILT.

You are allowed to have sexual boundaries.
You are allowed to have these boundaries regardless of whether you have a past history of abuse - everyone is allowed to have sexual boundaries.
No-one has the right to overstep these boundaries.
You are allowed to want sex you will enjoy.
You do not have to feel obliged to have sex you know you won't enjoy because some bloke is trying to guilt trip you.

The whole point of sex is mutual pleasure, against a background of mutual respect and good will towards one another (as a bare minimum).

Anything that falls short of this in any way - dump and move on.

The OP has clearly said she was as into sexting as him yet most people are labelling him a creep and suggesting he only wants her for sex hmm have you forgotten the part where the OP says she enjoys the sexting as much as him

She was and now she’s not - it’s made her feel really uncomfortable. That’s the point.

We know the OP is really into this guy, but we have no evidence other than mirroring her tastes (a non uncommon ploy) that he is in this for anything but sex, he’s quite focused on it.

Whether indivual women enjoy a facial is not relevant - it’s not respectful or sensitive to ask after only 4 meetings when they haven’t even have sex, for reasons that are clear from the OP’s reaction. Nor did it come up naturally in conversation. He texted at night, probably watching porn and asked her cold. When she said no instead of saying ‘fine’ he just said can I cum on your chest instead.

To be clear - that fact that these are normal sexual practices is not relevant. OP doesn’t want to do them and the questions freaked her out and brought up memories of abuse.

So you meet up with this man and start to get intimate and then find you're not actually that turned on by him, or he may not be turned on by you. How can you say, in advance, oh yes I'm into ( whatever it is)? What I mean is I've had plenty of sex with plenty of men, with some I want to do some things and with others it could have been completely different. Surely that's part of the excitement to know what works for you as a particular couple? I read it as you haven't yet had sex, if I'm right it all seems a little premature ( pardon the pun)

he just said can I cum on your chest instead

No he didn’t say ‘can I’ he essentially said that he would cum on her chest instead with a lie attached.

He asked to slap you during sex. You said no. You felt you needed to justify your refusal by telling him about your abuse.

Listen to your instincts - it is not normal for someone you are newly dating to be asking to slap you. Most people would be freaked out by that. It isn't just because of the abuse you experienced.

I would be seriously concerned about someone who wants to inflict pain on you as part of sex. Really.

You do not know this man.

Trust your instincts. I would cancel the flights.

I agree with Chippyway. I like dominating and being dominated in all of those ways. Little did I know I was just being an amateur porn star .

However, YOU don’t have to like it OP. So I would tread very carefully in seeing how you are compatible. I don’t actually see anything wrong with him talking about these things in the context of sexting. However, if you don’t like them, or this puts you off, listen to those instincts.

Whilst Chippyway is right that is not the issue here.

The issue is in having said she doesnt like it, he immediately sets up a situation where it might happen and tells her not to be cross. That is a red flag to me that he is introducing the idea anyway even though she does not like it.

Everyone has boundaries and whilst they may be different one thing remains the same: no one has the right to, and no one should erode them. The other potential red flags are the constant texting and asking questions about minute things in the OPs life.

At the moment these could be red flags or they might not be, you cant say through this medium

I'm glad my generation of men were just delighted to get anywhere near a real live woman sexually

I agree. I can't imagine how it must be that before you've even shagged someone, he's going, 'Oh my ex loved being it up the arse' or 'I want to slap you then come on your face.'

I'd be like, er, wtf?

he only asked about cumming on my face as he thought it would be nice to come on my chest and he would just like to know that if it went in that general area that I wouldn't be cross.

This is phrased so weirdly.

So we have talked about it and cleared things up. He said he was drunk and it came into his head as we were talking about sexual things. He got an image of me giving him a bj (I've done that before) and when I stop it to do other things that he ejaculates somewhere other than my mouth by accident and that I wouldn't like it which he said I was perfectly entitled not to like it.
He said he genuinely wasn't into slapping and we were on about 50 shades at the time so it came into his head because from what he knew there was slapping in it.
He said he hoped I wasn't upset or offended by anything he mentioned. He does really like me and I have reason to believe this based on having been with enough half committed guys to know. And he said we should maybe tone down the bold talk until we see each other and he was perfectly ok with that aswell.
So I'm happy with that. We discussed boundaries and he is ok with mine and there are a few things I brought up that he wouldn't like to do either so it works both ways.
It has made me realise that we need to take things a bit slower as building up trust is important to me in a relationship and maybe because things have been so good between us we are both guilty of going in heads first.

No way would I get on plane to meet a man in another country I’d only met 4 times.

He may really like you (I don’t see how he’d know on 4 meetings but the bj will have helped) or he may just want a fuck. The fact that he’s more motivated than previous half-arsed guys is setting the bar fairly low.

Ah............ it's all so "Romeo and Juliet"

Husky .... likely to end in a murder suicide?

Em, don't remember anything about facials and slapping in Romeo and Juliet. Teenagers whose families feud yes, pushing sexual boundaries not so much. Maybe i was reading it all wrong. Lol Certainly would have paid more attention in school if they'd had that interpretation!