Brave Babes Battle Bus: Next Stop Fabulous February

[SweetLathyrus]

Hi, I'm SweetLathyrus, Sweet for short, and I've been on and off Gerald the Brave Babes Battle Bus since 2014. Over the years, lots of us have maintained the thread, most of all the lovely Mouse, who has been here since the early days, and still scurries onboard when she can.

The bus is a place of support, safety and occasional silliness for those of us struggling with our relationship with alcohol. Some of us are sober, some are trying to be, some are moderating and aren't ready to give up alcohol just yet.

So whatever your reason for questioning the whys and WTFs of your drinking, hop on board, make yourselves comfortable and join in. Driers and Triers, all welcome.

2018 has been a busy year so far, lots of new travellers as well as old faces; if you want to read back on the journey through Dry or Dryer January so far, here's the link to the last thread

And in case you want to know how it all started, here is the link to JWN's original, inspiring thread.

Join us on our journey, you won't regret it.

sweet I feel your pain re teens. My third and last one, ds, is just 16 and I will be so glad when the battle to get him to, and keep him in school is over! he just opts out of any subjects he doesn't want to do and has discovered that passive resistance is very effective. He has failed one prelim, scraped 50 % in two others and got 95% for the one he's interested in!

Ma, if DS was taller, I'd swear they were the same child.

Hey ladies, sympathy here from me Ma and Sweet - my DD is very studious (basically Hermione Grainger with better hair) but DS was pretty lazy at school. Never wanted to stay off, just didn't do homework or revise etc. He is not argumentative but is very stubborn so I just had to back off and allow him to fail. Which I found really hard. His natural intelligence helped him get a decent set of GCSEs (again, better in the subjects he liked and was interested in) but he underperformed at AS level last year and has been playing catch up for A level with varying degrees of application. At the moment I am trying to make him understand that a University offer is not a definite place and that he still needs to get the high grades they have specified. When he tells me he has tons of work to do so cannot tidy his room/empty the dishwasher, then stays out all night and comes home exhausted and sleeps all the next day, it is very hard not to nag. But then I was not a model 17 year old myself! And DD for all her virtue is my most difficult and argumentative child - everything I say or do is wrong, I am always accused of 'criticising' or 'being salty'. Which I think means bitchy in today's parlance. Or I get accused of not listening one minute and then if I ask a question to show I am paying attention I am told I am interfering and nosey! And..... deep breaths....

One day they will have teenagers of their own and I will stand on the sidelines and laugh hollowly in a theatrical manner, head thrown back and with a knowing look in my eye....

Slings well done on handling your wine situation. I am in that odd place of not wanting to drink but also not wanting to go out to places where I would normally drink because I might feel I am missing out and have an inability to say no.

On that note I have an AIBU for you all (I am too scared to ever post on the real AIBU thread, Mumsnet is too full of judgy vipers elsewhere!)

So ... supposed to be going to a reunion lunch in a town 2 hours drive away on Saturday with old colleagues. Some of whom I am very fond of as we propped each other up through a difficult and prolonged redundancy period in 2015 (some of you will remember me whining about that back then but it really was stressful). This started off as an overnight thing, big party night with a meal and drinks and a hotel with a dozen of us but has since dwindled due to the difficulty of finding a date that suits all and is now 5 of us for a lunch. Two are bringing partners and young kids. One is not sure she will make it (health issues). I am a bit scared of the organiser's wrath if I back out, but TBH I don't really want to spend 4 hours driving, and another hour looking for a parking space, for a quick lunch where everyone will be preoccupied with small kids and I don't know two of them, though sure they are lovely. I have quite a lot of stuff to do at home (life admin!) and also (this is a ridiculous thing) I don't want to miss going to the gym as have set myself some insane fitness goals, which I am actually achieving for the first time in years, and I admit that I have become a bit obsessive. I can see myself going to a gym class early doors then rushing like crazy to get to this lunch, getting back late and knackered and just adding stress to my life. But I feel if I drop out that makes me a not nice person who is letting everyone down. And as I said, I do like them a lot. Just don't know if I can spare a whole Saturday and spend at least 4 hours in my car for one lunch. The other alternative would be to sack off the gym and make a day of it. But then I would quite likely drink to justify the change in my routine. And then feel too crap to go the gym or do my life admin the next day. So - AIBU?

I am normally someone who always keeps in touch with EVERYONE I HAVE EVER MET, FOREVER (which is quite time consuming as you get older!) and have real difficulty ever saying no. I have several longstanding Christmas get-togethers which are just chores now frankly, and which I don't feel I can get out of until I die. Am I a horrible selfish person or a craven people pleaser? Answers in a post please (and sorry this is a rubbish and small dilemma but it is taking up space in my head!)

Hope, I do remember the redundancy saga, and you were not whining, it was bloody awful for you. Driving four hours for an over-night, big event is one thing; doing it for lunch just isn't on, no matter how much you like the people you're meeting. I would say that if it takes you longer to get somewhere than you will spend there, it is asking too much (unless the journey is part of the fun, like taking the Orient Express!). And if this is further diluted by small children, it definitely won't be a long leisurely lunch. As for facing the wrath of the organiser, perhaps you can explain that the changes make it difficult? (I'm a hypocrite, I've hidden my big girl pants so I don't have to wear them!).

Ah, "you don't listen to me" "You don't understand" the answer to both is "You haven't told me" - which is how we got to him walking out. My psychic powers had desserted me . And as for "Can't tidy I've got homework to do" AAARRRRGGGHHHH!

Hi all you beautiful bus babe's.... just popping my head up from the sleeping bag on the back seat to say hello.....just caught up in about 7 pages worth.... so sorry to hear some of you in difficult circ's....sorry not replying to everyone..I don't seem to get chance catch up enough to actually reply after each "conversation" iykwim. Very much struggling here with my mental health/ feeling overwhelmed/ anxious/ stressed out and generally struggling. But I am still not drinking. 87 days today. For that I am grateful.

mshoolie wow can't believe you have completed the London marathon multiple times!!!!! Well done you there. Full of admiration for you and also on the fundraising. The idea of the fundraising scares me. Ive applied for a regular place for the last 3 years and been unsuccessful, I just don't feel confident or good enough to ask people for money for something I am basically doing for myself. *margie' your time for your half was amazing!!!! I'd love to get under 2 hours but for me I think it is a very distant dream for now. My training runs of 11 - 12 miles usually come in around 2.10 so I've got a fair way to go just yet.... well done though. Magnificent time for you xxxxxxx sending you all lots of love from the back of the bus.

margie margie margie don't want you to miss me applauding you

Sweet and Ma I'm dreading the teenage years. I'm struggling to handle DS's behaviour at 3 and he'll be as tall as me by the time he's 13 according to his red book. I was vile as a teenager so I think karma may have me back.

Slings Well done for stopping at one.

It was my Mum's birthday yesterday so she brought a bottle of Asti over. It's still unopened in the fridge as she forgot about it. Fortunately I'm too feeble to get the top off so I'm on day 39 today. I won't be drinking as DS's not well. He threw up in bed last night due to coughing. It was grim.

Blessed, I know what you mean about feeling like you've got too much to catch up on to join in the conversation, that's the point I've often dropped off the bus. But we're not precious, just join in whenever you feel, and however you want.

87 days is an enormous achievement, and though your MH may not be great, I'm sure you are in a better place to deal with it, even if it's only baby steps. I did a really good online cbt course called i-Talk through the NHS. In our area you can self-refer, would something like that be helpful?

Hope YANBU to not attend an effectively long distance lunch with some small children and people you don't know. There's too many backed out now to make it really worthwhile. I think if you're seeing people because you feel obligated rather than because you want to then that's just being a people pleaser and life's too short.

However, I don't have many friends and there's probably good reason for that - shit at keeping in touch for one so feel free to ignore me!

Baking, poor DS, but I'm trying to process 'forgetting a bottle of Asti'!

DS was also a 'challenging' tween, toddler . . . he's just bloody awkward.

Blessed I keep falling behind too but I get so much out of reading the chat I just contribute when I can. I'm virtually spamming the page today as DS is lying next to me like a wet lettuce! Day 87 is amazing - it's nearly 3 months and I think you'd feel worse mentally if you were still drinking. That's what I'm telling myself on the days anxiety starts rearing it's head. It's kept me on track so far.

Sweet Yeah, needless to say I didn't 'forget the bottle of Asti' but I purposefully didn't mention it when we got back to mine because I felt like all would be a lost if it was opened. Like I'd just carry on after. So I made us all coffee and cake and then suggested she take it home but she declined. I didn't want to say 'take it' as I didn't want to make a big deal of it.. At least I know I can't get in it anyway so it's ok for now.

Hi all, well day 5 here and going well so far! I've got lots of nice soft drinks to choose from and have gotten rid of the half a bottle of wine I've been hiding in my fridge just in case I needed it!

Just trying to get a new routine going at the minute so I look forward to a nice bath and doing my nails instead of a glass of wine after work. I've even managed to take my makeup off every night!

Hope all of you who have had a few bad days are feeling a bit better now.

sweet I am absolutely dreading the teenage years. You deserve a medal for being AF with one in the house! 😂

Hope I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I certainly wouldn't drive that distance for lunch anyway!

hope I would blow off the lunch too. 4 hours is too far away. Erm, how obsessive is the gym getting? Better for you than the booze certainly but don't forget some down time. Or is that your down time?

I am feeling sorry for myself generally and now have a horrible cough and cold on top of all the rest. I don't want to speak at this bloody dinner tonight....then I receive a cheery email from my co-speaker saying he will see me there. He was blown up n Afghanistan, lost numerous body parts and to date, has had 52 operations.
Talk about feeling ashamed of myself!

Thank you sweet and baking. I hope your ds is feeling more up to the mark soon baking, my youngest is 3 also.....they are busy busy days.....so much worse when they are poorly. Hope you don't catch it as it's always harder to cope and look after everyone when you are ill too. Get well soon littlebaking. Spent the morning volunteering in our church cafe/ charity shop/ drop in centre.....picked ds3 up and home for lunch and jobs... bed changing, hoovering and laundry seem to be the gift that keeps on giving in this house just constant like a tide. Just about to get togged up for the freezing windy weather and nip to supermarket before picking ds1 and ds2 up from school plus an extra friend for tea and a play. I do know that I feel so much better for not drinking. If I was still drinking at my old rate I would definitely feel worse. I just wish I felt better than I do currently. It's a hard place to be at times. Feel like I'm failing in every way. Xxxx got to go as ds is going to end up having an altercation with the cat as he is currently insisting on sticking post it notes all over him

Sweet I will have a look at the I talk thing but I think maybe I'm at bit beyond that in some ways. Xxx

Well, DS came home, but he isn't talking to me. I feel utterly desolate about it; after his last blow up he managed to avoid me for five days, but at least he carried on going to school.

The dog is doing well out of it though, his walks have been extra long today, to keep me from pushing the Fuck it button. Still battling with myself, I know it would be dangerous, but I just want to stop thinking.

Ma, perhaps 'cheery co-speaker will keep you in fits of laughter and you'll be glad you went!

sweet if this is any help I found that when DS was not talking to me at that age it was a lot easier. I just said “right get to school” and then walked out of room and as he did not want to talk to me to argue he just went. Not sure if this will work with you but I think you may have to be nasty Mum for a little while to get him through this. Just my experience though. Good luck

Blessed I'm terrified of getting it. Bugs really knock me for six now. They didn't used too. DS requested actual food at teatime. I had high hopes he was on the mend but he's just thrown it all up. I feel sick because I'm too scared to eat anything in case I'm actually sick.
Still at least I have no desire to drink. Grateful for small mercies.

Ma I hope tonight goes well and you're feeling a bit better

Sweet How are you getting on? Try not to let it all get to you. Easier said than done I know.

Sweet I can’t bear you feeling desolate. I have no words of wisdom to offer, having neither a DS or a teenager of any kind but it sounds like others can reassure you that this casual cruelty in his part is normal. But one day, I hope and trust your son will acknowledge what a fab and special mum he has - and til then, we are happy to cheerlead for you. You have done a special job of steering this crazy bus this year with humour and kindness and care, and we appreciate it.

In other news.... I have done two sessions of C25k. You babes inspired me. I may well never walk again. But for those who know me, their jaws have literally dropped at quite what a monumental step this is! I can’t say I feel better for it but I need my body to catch up with my brain on the benefits of sobriety, and this seemed as good a start as any.

Blimey.

lookingforhope a question... what would YOU get out of going to the lunch? People often say that alcoholics (if that is what we are) are selfish, but I think that often we are not selfish enough. We people pkease, we caretake others, we put family needs before our own. Then the only way we get out of it all is by getting out of our heads.

Be selfish enough to do what you want, what gives you a buzz, what gives you space x

Sweet lovely lovely lady I also can't bear you feeling desolate Teenagers are a pigging nightmare my DDs are 18 & 14 and it is challenging and frigging HARD work. Our own DC just know how to push our buttons as we all more than likely did with our parents. I was a nightmare and walked out/ran away many times. Parenting my girls on my own is a daily challenge and it's taken me a few years to remember who's the adult (I like to have the last word). Try and take a step back, please don't take it to heart, he really doesn't mean it. They say in many of the raising teenager books that as their brains develop and they subconsciously know that they're growing up and have more responsibility (going uni, pressures of exams etc) that they lash out at the people closest to them and in his case that is you! and that they're detaching themselves from us by isolating us. YOU are an amazing Mum who's doing a brilliant job, please don't forget that And more to the point DO NOT press your 'fuck it' button, stick with it my darling - you will soooooo regret it if you break your sober stride - you have done amazingly well. When we love our child/ren so much it is so tough when they hurt us. Go to bed, tomorrow is a new day and it will resolve itself, as you said he is a stubborn so and so. Give him time and space it will come good x

Hope I wouldn't go, as others have said it's too far for a quick lunch and to be honest for me the thought of young kids there too would put me off, as it is so far from the original plan! Different if you had young kids and they were people you knew really well. Worry not about the fierce organiser, she'll get over it and will understand when she reflects on your reasons x

Ma hope it's gone well tonight, I'm sure you rocked it

Slings well done babe, that was very restrained x

Fox good god babe that is amazing!!!!!

Bee hope little one is feeling better x

Nomore Day 5 is fab x

Cupcakes it is really hard to keep up when the bus is moving so fast. There are no hard and fast rules on here, just post whenever you want to x

Trust wise advice you've given there, thank you x

This is turning into an essay (same o same o) Hello everyone and I hope you're all ok.

I went to my friends funeral on Tuesday, a 450 mile round trip for an hour up there. I am so glad I went. The funeral directors gave us these message cards to write on. My friend and I used to call each other Yo Bitch, I wrote my message starting with this. I hadn't met any of her 3 DC before the funeral and managed to catch up with them all in the car park as we were all leaving. I explained who I was and what we used to call each other and what I'd said in my message, they all laughed so much. Made my day, felt like she was also sniggering in my ear. She was 52 and so full of life. By the grace of god and all that!

Morning all
spanna so sad to hear about the death of your young friend. 52 is no age. What a good idea re the message cards and how lovely that you were able to share a memory with her children and make them laugh. They will remember that forever.
sweet I hope things are better today. Try and stay strong. And just remember that if you have to be harsh with them at this stage in their life that you are doing it for them. It is horrible being nasty Mum as all you really want to do is nurture them. He needs your strength and your experience to guide him through this. You will of course get no thanks or acknowledgement for any of this but you will come out the other end knowing you have done your best and you will have set him on the right road as best you can. Good luck
nomore keep going you are doing so well
looking I too would not go to the lunch if I was only going to appease the organiser. Put yourself first. It can be liberating! (Of course feel free to make up an illness or some other good excuse so that she can’t tell you off too much)

I have the day off today and I have been so lax with my housework lately that I am going to give my house a really good bottoming then spend some time cooking something super yummy. Then a slump in front of TV and catch up with Requiem. No gym today but will fit in taking the dog for a long walk. Wow I better get up now and get started. Have a great day babes x