My feed

to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.


Husband doesn't contribute to house or children

105 replies

mummyof288 · 17/01/2018 12:54

Please no bashing I do not need told that I'm an idiot or anything but here goes.

Ive been with my husband 10 years have 2 kids (one just a new baby)

When I bought this place before I had the baby my husband sold his house and put the money down as a deposit for this house. I mortgaged the rest in my name.

When I lived with him I didn't pay towards mortgage as he stated if ever broke up I wouldn't get half (he has 2 other kids to his ex) it would be their inheritance. And also our daughter of course.

So I paid half the household bills, food etc etc pretty 50/50.

Since I got this place we agreed he would not pay towards the mortgage as he had technically paid half the house already so in which case it would be split 50/50 should we split up and said I could live in the house with the kids. Just split if it was ever sold.

Any way he doesn't pay a penny towards anything though. He works 2 nights a week does get money not a lot but I never see a penny of this. Doesn't pay towards bills, food, doesn't contribute towards the kids I buy anything they need, I pay days out, food, clothes, Christmas, birthdays everything. Before he would split bills but I was still left to pay for anything kids needs.

He claims the child benefits for the kids but doesn't pay a penny of it for anything they need.

We agreed before baby came this was ok him getting the child benefit for my daughter as I worked full time and he looked after her while I worked.

But now I'm on mat leave and I'm here looking after the children, he barely does a thing. Before I was earning a good wage so it wasn't really an issue (I'm not money orientated at all) but I'm struggling now on smp.

I told him I had to cut back and one thing would be he would need to pay his own gym membership and he just got angry.

Said he wasn't willing for me to go back to work early as he couldn't sit in the house with a baby all day. He just goes out exercising all the time. Is barely ever home and when he is does nothing.

Moans he is tired all the time and baby keeps him up yet he sleeps through it all the time. Does get up with him in the morning and also takes our daughter to school but moans about it and says he can't get dd ready when baby is crying. (I manage it no problem)

He knows I hate confrontation and I always give in for an easy life. How can I not stick up for myself. (I have a management job and do well at that but in my home life I seem to let family and friends walk all over me.

I'm just living everyday resenting him and feeling quite depressed. Snapping at him and making comments at him.

Leaving him is not really an option. I couldn't do that to my children especially my daughter she adores him and her hole existence relies on our stability.

Also I did ask him to leave a few weeks ago as I had had enough and he said I could sell the house and give him half the money back which he promised he would never do.

Technically I don't think I would need to sell my house as he signed a waiver for the money saying he didn't want any financial benefit and it was done through a layer that he only gets half should I ever sell the house so I don't think that means he can make me sell it.

But I do love him and I want to sort things out. Out with all this mess he is actually a good man and we normally do get on ok. It's just lately that this is all getting to me.

I think it's because I have always been financially comfortable and never had problems with money but things are different now.

I think also I may be suffering from a bit of pnd but I think this is all contributing to it.

Any advice much appreciated please again no bashing please x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2018 13:18

This whole relationship is not stable at all let alone a loving one.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of example did your parents teach you?. Your people pleasing tendencies have cost you dearly here and your H is taking full advantage of you not being able to confront him. Your boundaries in relationships are also too low and again that affects you badly as well.

What is in this relationship at all for you now?. Please do not stay within this just because of your DD or her baby sibling. Its no life for them either. This individual seems to have you precisely where he wants you which is trapped, coerced and controlled. Such men do not change, he has everything the way he wants it and he does not see you at all as an equal.

You may well "love" him but he loves his own self more and you are all suffering as a result. His actions towards you cannot be described as loving ones and could be easily seen as threats designed to keep you in line. He does this also because he can and this works for him. When you and he do get along it is on his terms, the nice/nasty cycle of abuse is present here.

This is no life for you or your children; staying with him will simply teach your children that abuse from a man will be her norm. You are showing your DD that abuse from a man is acceptable to you when the only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is none.

Would you want this sort of relationship for her as an adult, no you would not. Please seek outside help from your GP and contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247

samscott · 17/01/2018 13:34

He’s a cocklodger. Get rid.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 17/01/2018 13:41

So he keeps all of his money for himself AND has the child benefit?

Are you completely mad?

You are married. You're meant to be in a partnership. You have children together. He keeps all his wages for himself and doesn't even help with the children!

If you put up with this, you're mad. Unfortunately, after ten years, it's doubtful he'll change, no matter how much you beg him to.

Your daughter - who loves him - doesn't receive one penny from him as support - not even the money the government gives you both for her. That's shameful.

Whenyouseeit · 17/01/2018 13:43

Almost anyone can be described as a loving and wonderful partner/parent if you are allowed to discount their major unpleasant behaviour.

He pays nothing towards the upkeep of his children. In fact he profits from having children by taking the child benefit. He seems to think he should be paid to look after his own child. He's leaving all the parenting responsibility to you - even childcare is optional because if its too hard (like baby) you have to do it.

Theres no he's great apart from this. Its like saying planet earth is completely dry except for the seas, lakes & rivers.

Myheartbelongsto · 17/01/2018 13:46

Yep, cocklodger.

You need to put your foot down he's massively taking the piss out of you because you're letting him.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 17/01/2018 13:48

I simply can't understand what you love about this waste of space.
Can only advise you get rid, he's not a good example of a relationship to your daughter is he?

hellsbellsmelons · 17/01/2018 13:52

I know you didn't want a bashing but...
Please get an appointment with someone who can cover up that 'MUG' you have tattoo'd on your forehead.

Seriously OP.
Why doesn't he have a 'proper' job?
You KNOW this is awful.
You KNOW this is an awful example to set your children for future relationships.
You KNOW he's completely taking the piss.
But it's your life.
If you want to live it like this then get on with it.
If not, then kick him out!
Do it and mean it.
It may be a wake up call for him but he's a cocklodger.
Pure and simple!!!

Guiltypleasures001 · 17/01/2018 13:55

Does he pay for his other kids? If so how I wonder , your child benefit maybe

DaisysStew · 17/01/2018 13:59

How does he justify not contributing to non-mortgage bills? He’s not a teenager and his wages aren’t “spends” for him to have fun with.

He needs to start paying half the bills (or a fair percentage that reflects the difference in income) and putting the child benefit in an account you can both access to be used for the children. Why does he think that money is for him?

ravenmum · 17/01/2018 14:04

Could you go back to work after all now? And cancel his gym contract for him?
Phone a lawyer and see if he could make you sell the house. And see your GP.

mummyof288 · 17/01/2018 14:15

Think I stupidly used to justify it by thinking my mum was a stay at home mum and my dad used to work and pay for everything. I tried to just see it as the other way about. But now he doesn't even take the responsibility for looking after the children as has stated he has no intention of looking after the baby for me to get back to work.

I feel trapped and totally stuck in a rut.

I try bring any of it up he raises his voice and I just back down as I've never liked Confrontation.

To my children everything seems perfect they never want for anything there is never any fighting in front of them. My daughter thinks life is perfect and knows nothing about it.

But I'm feeling increasingly miserable every day any time I bring up anything I get made to feel like I'm the selfish one.

I'm scared I won't cope on my own. I live miles away from my family. Don't really see any friends anymore. Don't really ever make time for anything except my children.

I really don't know how I can fix this. I hate the arguments I hate when we try talk things over he just gets mad starts raising his voice I ask him not to and he says his voice just gets animated when he's discussing things.

He spends most of his money on bits for his hobbeys. I ask him for money and he says he is skint. Yet I find a receipt for £1000 odd pounds on stuff for his exercising.

I told him I need money towards a bill the other day towards a bill that has came up. (Heating)

He said he was skint and didn't have it yet the next day he was away again buying things for his hobby. Not wanting to state exactly as terrified someone I know will read this and may think it's me.

I'm embarrassed I feel used. Yes I'm walking about with mug tattooed to my forehead I'm not proud of it but I have lost all confidence in the person I used to be before I met him I basically feel worthless and don't know who I am anymore. Sometime suicide feels like an easy option for how I feel but I wouldn't in a million years leave my children.

That's basically how bad things are.

I'm now anxious all the time.
Not sleeping at night through worrying and anxiety
Sitting at home all day alone with a baby
Someday s crying like today but other days I feel ok and just get on with it

I can count in one hand the things he has bought for our daughter

And he has bought absolutely nothing for our new baby except one tin of milk one day x

OP posts:
mummyof288 · 17/01/2018 14:25

When ever I pluck up the courage to confront him about anything he ends up shouting and I actually just back down and apologise saying I'm in the wrong and having a bad day etc etc just because it easier then him walking about in a mood and glaring at me giving me the cold shoulder etc and that's after him shouting and turning it all round on me.

OP posts:
Chaosofcalm · 17/01/2018 14:25

Everything is not perfect for your daughter. You teach her the core values of all her future relationships by the example you set. Do you want her future friends and partners to treat her the same way your husband is treating you?

LuxuryWoman2017 · 17/01/2018 14:28

You backing down for 'a easy life' is making life harder though isn't it? He is also clearly a crap father. You have a new baby, could you chat with your HV?

You say you live far from family but do you get on with them? Could you talk to them (mum?)

I can tell you this, he won't change so if you can't live this way you will have to make changes. I would suggest you start with the house situation.

Please lose the idea he is in any way a good dad and as your daughter gets older she will see it too.

expatinscotland · 17/01/2018 14:34

He's a cocklodging waste of space. He's not a good dad in any way. Now you know why his previous relationship broke down.

mummyof288 · 17/01/2018 14:42

I'm scared to talk to the gp of hv as I am embarrassed by it all.

My mum is disabled and quite ill at the moment and my dad is her carer. They are struggling to cope and I don't want to burden them with my problems.

I used to go to my mum with anything I could always put the world to rights with her help but her illness has made her very confused and now she can't really have a normal conversation never mind help me deal with this.

My dad has got so much on his plate trying to care for her that I don't want to burden him with my worries

Yeah it is probably for an easy life. And tbh I got by no problem money wise without his help before and could still do. I think it's more the principal of it all that's upsetting me. It doesn't really make you feel cared about and loved.

Even things like the other day the baby was crying for hours and I was constantly trying to console him. He made dinner for us ate his mine was sitting beside me couldn't eat as trying to console crying baby. He ate his and then started watching the tv again didn't even offer to take baby to let me get mine. I blew up and told him he was selfish and he should of took his baby to let me eat and he said I was just picking an argument and said I say he doesn't do anything yet he made my dinner. What use if making me dinner that I can't eat.

Then he's started saying lately I'm getting far to thin and I need to start eating better. I've got to the point I don't even see the point of eating as it always goes cold. And I always have this feeling now that I don't deserve to eat and I just have to make sure everyone else does. I don't know where this has came from I think it's just stress of it all.

OP posts:
mummyof288 · 17/01/2018 14:43

To him it was always everyone else's fault his relationships broke down. It was his ex fault now I'm starting to see why it was his fault.

OP posts:
mummyof288 · 17/01/2018 14:47

And the gym membership was cancelled yesterday which has made him furious

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 17/01/2018 14:54

If you do what you always do you'll get what you always get.

You are rightly, deeply unhappy and it seems you feel stuck. Don't be embarrassed to talk to the HV, it's his behaviour he ought to feel shamed of and you need help, please take it, your self esteem sounds on the floor but you are no good to anyone if you don't even eat. With healthy self esteem you would tell him to take the baby while you eat and a decent man would just do it - again, your daughter sees this.

He is a waste of your time, do you see that? It really doesn't have to be like this.

mummyof288 · 17/01/2018 14:57

What I also know is rewind back 10 years ago before I met this man I was a fun, confident outgoing ambitious young woman who loved life. Always valued my appearance and wouldn't leave the house without my make up on and hair perfect. Tan done nails done etc etc. Now I'm just a shell of the woman I used to be. Only put my make up on when I can be bothered and have no confidence in myself. I basically live an existence for my children and don't know who I really am. I went to my work but on a brave face. To everyone in the world I live a perfect life and have a perfect little family. Nice house good career everyone says me and husband are perfect for each other but this is all far from reality x

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 17/01/2018 14:59

Forget what other people think, most women who have been in crap relationships would tell you that their partner appeared a good guy to others - street angel, home devil - it's a very real thing.

You can get your old self back, that I can promise you - I speak from experience here, truly.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2018 15:02

His behaviours towards you are why his previous relationship broke down as well.

Do not be embarrassed; the one who should feel that is him as well as shame. He is a shameful example to his family. Abuse thrives on secrecy too so do not cover this up or excuse this from him.

You are married to this man so your legal position is not poor. I would seek legal advice asap as well as talking to your GP. Blow the whistle on this man.

mummyof288 · 17/01/2018 15:04

Wish I could of seen it all like this before I chose to have another child to him it's like I was stupidly blind to it all and it didn't bother me at all I didn't even think about it.

But now I am suddenly seeing clearly and seeing his true colours.

OP posts:
mummyof288 · 17/01/2018 15:08

I actually cant stop crying today about it. I don't know why I didn't see all this years ago. Feel like I have got myself in such a rut.

The only thing I ever see myself as these days is a mum which is fine I'm good at it and love my children dearly.

But outside of that I'm lost and done know the person I've now become

I've tried to blame how I feel on pregnancy hormones at first but now im actually seeing it for how it is that no one would be happy with this set up.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 17/01/2018 15:09

You need to communicate!

Firstly money-wise, it sounds like you have separate account? Do you know what he gets monthly, does he know what you get monthly, especially currently? Do you each know what each has in disposable income once all the bills are paid? Is it equal or does he get a lot more than you?

The example of the baby crying and eating dinner, you are both neither right not wrong. Yes he should have offered to take the baby, but similarly, you could just as much have asked him to do so so you could eat.

The problem when resentment builds up is that each expect the other to make the efforts to consider the impact of their actions on the other rather than the opposite and of course, in this situation, the last thing you want is to make efforts for the other.

Before you get back to that stage when you actually want to make your partner super happy so you do think of what you can do to make their lives better, you have to start with asking them to do things that would make things better for you. It's if they refuse that things have definitely got really bad.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.