Husband doesn't contribute to house or children

[mummyof288]

Please no bashing I do not need told that I'm an idiot or anything but here goes.

Ive been with my husband 10 years have 2 kids (one just a new baby)

When I bought this place before I had the baby my husband sold his house and put the money down as a deposit for this house. I mortgaged the rest in my name.

When I lived with him I didn't pay towards mortgage as he stated if ever broke up I wouldn't get half (he has 2 other kids to his ex) it would be their inheritance. And also our daughter of course.

So I paid half the household bills, food etc etc pretty 50/50.

Since I got this place we agreed he would not pay towards the mortgage as he had technically paid half the house already so in which case it would be split 50/50 should we split up and said I could live in the house with the kids. Just split if it was ever sold.

Any way he doesn't pay a penny towards anything though. He works 2 nights a week does get money not a lot but I never see a penny of this. Doesn't pay towards bills, food, doesn't contribute towards the kids I buy anything they need, I pay days out, food, clothes, Christmas, birthdays everything. Before he would split bills but I was still left to pay for anything kids needs.

He claims the child benefits for the kids but doesn't pay a penny of it for anything they need.

We agreed before baby came this was ok him getting the child benefit for my daughter as I worked full time and he looked after her while I worked.

But now I'm on mat leave and I'm here looking after the children, he barely does a thing. Before I was earning a good wage so it wasn't really an issue (I'm not money orientated at all) but I'm struggling now on smp.

I told him I had to cut back and one thing would be he would need to pay his own gym membership and he just got angry.

Said he wasn't willing for me to go back to work early as he couldn't sit in the house with a baby all day. He just goes out exercising all the time. Is barely ever home and when he is does nothing.

Moans he is tired all the time and baby keeps him up yet he sleeps through it all the time. Does get up with him in the morning and also takes our daughter to school but moans about it and says he can't get dd ready when baby is crying. (I manage it no problem)

He knows I hate confrontation and I always give in for an easy life. How can I not stick up for myself. (I have a management job and do well at that but in my home life I seem to let family and friends walk all over me.

I'm just living everyday resenting him and feeling quite depressed. Snapping at him and making comments at him.

Leaving him is not really an option. I couldn't do that to my children especially my daughter she adores him and her hole existence relies on our stability.

Also I did ask him to leave a few weeks ago as I had had enough and he said I could sell the house and give him half the money back which he promised he would never do.

Technically I don't think I would need to sell my house as he signed a waiver for the money saying he didn't want any financial benefit and it was done through a layer that he only gets half should I ever sell the house so I don't think that means he can make me sell it.

But I do love him and I want to sort things out. Out with all this mess he is actually a good man and we normally do get on ok. It's just lately that this is all getting to me.

I think it's because I have always been financially comfortable and never had problems with money but things are different now.

I think also I may be suffering from a bit of pnd but I think this is all contributing to it.

Any advice much appreciated please again no bashing please x

I think because the only people round about is his family and I have this fear that they will make my life hell thinking that He's done nothing wrong.
The only option to get past that is to sell up and get away from everyone.
But if it is all as stated when I signed those papers with the lawyer that he only gets his share when I sell then I would be obviously liable to give him half of the money leaving his children with nowhere to go.
Also my daughters life is here her friends her cousin aunties her school etc I'd be devastated to have to pack up and take her away from all of that.

I suppose the main thing is I'm scared. I'm scared how life is going to be without him. It's like I feel I need him but when I think what he actually does I think why do I need him. It's just all not processing in my head right.
I suppose he's all I've ever known most of my adult life. Life is going to change drastically for me and the children well thats how it feels.
I'm rambling now but just struggling to straighten it all out in my head.
One min I feel strong and want to tell him to pack up and go the next I just feel like I can't live without him and I don't know why because I feel like I get nothing from this relationship anymore it's just take take take and right now I have nothing else to give.
During the day I always feel lonely and look forward to him coming home and I don't know why as when he's home I feel unsettled in my head and like I'm walking on egg shells.
He's also the only really adult conversation I get as I've ditched all my friends over the years and lost contact. Think I'm scared I'm going to be really lonely and sad without him yet I know that's no reason to stay and this needs to get done x

Firstly it's doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It's totally irrelevant.

Secondly, you need to realise this relationship is abusive both financially and emotionally.

Someone abusing their partner is NOT a good parent.

He's groomed you over the years. You say you've become a shell of the woman you were. You know that's by design right?

That's what abusers do, slowly but surely chip away at your self esteem, gradually "normalise" behaviours that 5 years ago you wouldn't have tolerated but now just become a way of life.

It doesn't matter your background - lots of women find themselves in this position and find a change in the status quo (like your baby) suddenly acts as a catalyst for opening their eyes and thinking "how the hell did my life turn out like this?".

It's normal to feel embarrassed - but that's exactly the emotion abusers want you to feel, as it prevents you from getting the support and help you need to break free of this toxic relationship.

It's not your fault, it really isn't. You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of - it's him who should be feeling those emotions, but he doesn't and won't because it gets in the way of his main priority - himself.

I really think you should call Women's Aid and talk to someone to help you understand how toxic this relationship is. Think about doing the Freedom Program.

You might not be ready to do it now, but I'd advise you to see a solicitor. You need to understand your rights should you separate and not be cowed into staying with him because he makes empty threats.

You would cope without him. It will be easier. You won't be stressed by him and having to deal with his crap whilst doing everything you do anyway. He's negative equity in the relationship, leaving will simply redress the balance.

Finally - the women you were is still there. She just got lost for a bit but find your own map forward and you'll find yourself again and start to feel stronger.

To my children everything seems perfect they never want for anything there is never any fighting in front of them. My daughter thinks life is perfect and knows nothing about it.*

That's because of what you do and how you provide for her. It's all down to you. Don't worry about how you'll cope alone. You are already doing it.

Fear of change - even when it's an improvement - is totally normal.

Doesn't mean it's not necessary.

The DC will cope and highly likely be better off for it.

I know how you feel. My relationship is nothing like this at all but I did sleepwalk into a situation where I was lumbered with all of the shitty jobs and was feeling increasingly resentful which will lead to sniping and blow ups. It felt insurmountable but wasn't - we had to sit down calmly and have a rational discussion and now things are much better.

The difference there of course is that my DH is not an abusive bastard.

Write out a list of costs, your income and child benefit etc. You may qualify for tax credits if you're on SMP and he's on low income but it depends how many hours a week he works. Leave a blank space for his income.

Sit down with him, ask him what he earns and add it to the list. Divide up costs fairly between the two of you. If he objects to this in any way, he's a financially abusive scumbag and you need to leave.

Oh OP. This is very hard. As other posters have said, he has damaged your confidence over the years and now you feel terrified of being alone. He's done that on purpose so you won't leave.

Once you leave, the confidence, joy, feeling of coping will return, slowly to begin with then very quickly. You won't recognise yourself now.

Contact Women's Aid, maybe get some antidepressants to get you through this period, talk to your GP and HV. Your life is ahead of you. Your children, and especially your daughter, deserve better. It looks like your daughter loves him but children are very astute at learning to please and charm abusive parents to stay on their good side and get the rare positive attention.

just adding support to all the comments on here lady...

you WILL be okay ... please.. find the courage and kick his arse out

I have found this so shocking and sickening to read. Truely unbelievable. He may not be hitting her but he is utterly cruel and sadistic. OP One day your children will ask why the hell you put up with this.

You should think about changing the Child Benefit to be paid to you. Him claiming it could help him show he is the main carer. I'm sure I've read that on MN.

Does he not have to agree with the child benefit office to let them change it to my name?

Dartharts (sorry don't know how to tag)

Yes it was the new baby that opened my eyes to it all. When I was half way through my pregnancy I started questioning it all tried to resolve it back then but it didn't work I ended up putting it down to pregnancy hormones as he made me feel like I was the one being unreasonable

If you want to tag op use a @ and on the app at least it brings up a list of posters in alphabetical order.

Otherwise just use a * before and after (no spaces) what you write and it will put it in bold.

I don't know but it's worth trying.

What does he think is going to happen to the baby when your maternity leave is up if he is refusing to take over childcare?

I think that's why you need to see a solicitor OP.

Lots of questions around child benefit, leaving whilst on maternity leave vs later etc etc.

Keep records- like the receipt for the £1k hobby purchase. You need to show he isn't spending money on the kids.

Find out where you stand on the house agreement. It's might not be as clear cut as you think.

Knowledge is power. Find out everything you can wrt to your rights.

But I do love him and I want to sort things out. Out with all this mess he is actually a good man and we normally do get on ok

Fgs why? Even if you could possibly love a man who treats you so appallingly, how can you even be in the same room as a man who treats your children so badly?
If that is your idea of a good man you have shockingly low standards.

Thank you
Do you know what kind of lawyer I need to see is it a family lawyer?

Think I say I love him as it's all I've really known. I've never been in a long term relationship apart from this one

And also I think I've been quite naive to the whole situation and finally just opening my eyes to it all

He sounds fucking useless. He only works 2 shifts a week?! What’s up with the lazy bastard?

I don't know if this is trivial but he basically thinks he has open rain to my paypal. Constantly buying things off eBay for his hobby when ever he likes doesn't bother asking just buys away and it comes up on my phone

Change the PayPal password and change the settings so you need to enter it each time

He’s fucking useless OP. You will cope fine and be much happier without this leech sucking the happiness out of you. He doesn’t contribute financially so you won’t be losing out there either

Yes OP a family lawyer.

If you go to the law society website you can search for family lawyers in your area and see a brief bio of what they do, background and how long they've been practicing etc

Oh and change the passwords on eBay/amazon etc

He's a massive piss taker.

Make notes before you see a lawyer. Take a list of questions with you to use the time effectively. Note the answers so you can refer back to them.

Does anyone know if il be entitled to legal aid as I'm on maternity leave?