Husband doesn't contribute to house or children

[mummyof288]

Please no bashing I do not need told that I'm an idiot or anything but here goes.

Ive been with my husband 10 years have 2 kids (one just a new baby)

When I bought this place before I had the baby my husband sold his house and put the money down as a deposit for this house. I mortgaged the rest in my name.

When I lived with him I didn't pay towards mortgage as he stated if ever broke up I wouldn't get half (he has 2 other kids to his ex) it would be their inheritance. And also our daughter of course.

So I paid half the household bills, food etc etc pretty 50/50.

Since I got this place we agreed he would not pay towards the mortgage as he had technically paid half the house already so in which case it would be split 50/50 should we split up and said I could live in the house with the kids. Just split if it was ever sold.

Any way he doesn't pay a penny towards anything though. He works 2 nights a week does get money not a lot but I never see a penny of this. Doesn't pay towards bills, food, doesn't contribute towards the kids I buy anything they need, I pay days out, food, clothes, Christmas, birthdays everything. Before he would split bills but I was still left to pay for anything kids needs.

He claims the child benefits for the kids but doesn't pay a penny of it for anything they need.

We agreed before baby came this was ok him getting the child benefit for my daughter as I worked full time and he looked after her while I worked.

But now I'm on mat leave and I'm here looking after the children, he barely does a thing. Before I was earning a good wage so it wasn't really an issue (I'm not money orientated at all) but I'm struggling now on smp.

I told him I had to cut back and one thing would be he would need to pay his own gym membership and he just got angry.

Said he wasn't willing for me to go back to work early as he couldn't sit in the house with a baby all day. He just goes out exercising all the time. Is barely ever home and when he is does nothing.

Moans he is tired all the time and baby keeps him up yet he sleeps through it all the time. Does get up with him in the morning and also takes our daughter to school but moans about it and says he can't get dd ready when baby is crying. (I manage it no problem)

He knows I hate confrontation and I always give in for an easy life. How can I not stick up for myself. (I have a management job and do well at that but in my home life I seem to let family and friends walk all over me.

I'm just living everyday resenting him and feeling quite depressed. Snapping at him and making comments at him.

Leaving him is not really an option. I couldn't do that to my children especially my daughter she adores him and her hole existence relies on our stability.

Also I did ask him to leave a few weeks ago as I had had enough and he said I could sell the house and give him half the money back which he promised he would never do.

Technically I don't think I would need to sell my house as he signed a waiver for the money saying he didn't want any financial benefit and it was done through a layer that he only gets half should I ever sell the house so I don't think that means he can make me sell it.

But I do love him and I want to sort things out. Out with all this mess he is actually a good man and we normally do get on ok. It's just lately that this is all getting to me.

I think it's because I have always been financially comfortable and never had problems with money but things are different now.

I think also I may be suffering from a bit of pnd but I think this is all contributing to it.

Any advice much appreciated please again no bashing please x

When ever I pluck up the courage to confront him about anything he ends up shouting and I actually just back down and apologise saying I'm in the wrong and having a bad day etc
Sounds like he is not willing to engage with you, in which case your only alternative is to make any changes on your own. You can't make him to things, but you can do thngs yourself.

Could you start work again? Would that make you feel more secure?

You can't afford to be embarrassed about going to the GP right now, tbh. Doing so would take the burden off your family and place some of it in the hands of professionals. You need to get proper help of some sort so that you can deal with your problems better. Feeling as you do now, it would be much harder for you to take any constructive action.

I would love if things would change but tbh I don't think they will

I had a massive craving talk before baby arrived and brought up money and that he doesn't contribute. He said he would take over the electric bill but I end up paying it myself and if I ask him like today he said ok then went in a huff and I can't cope with the huffy aggressive manner and end up saying it ok il sort it myself.

He has never physically been nasty to me so I never really thought that what he was doing was abusing but I know there is emotional too but i used to put it down to me just Being over sensitive but I'm not being and most woman wouldn't put up with this

I'm absolute embarrassed, I am not a silly little girl I'm well educated and have always had good values and should of known from the start this is wrong.

So sorry you're in this situation.

But you CAN change it. This screams financial abuse to me. Not only of you op but your DC too. His claiming the CB is as far as I'm concerned him STEALING from babies!! Despicable man.

Contact women's aid, talk to hv/dr - trust us they will want to help and will have heard it all (and much worse) before. But the current situation is unsustainable.

My concern is that as you are married he may still have a claim on the house despite other paperwork, did the lawyer advise before or after marriage?

Swingofthings- I know I get a lot more than him as he only works 2 evenings a week. We do have separate accounts and I don't know how much he has as he always just says he has no money but then there's always money for something towards his hobys. The week he bought the grand and a half hobby thing. He told me there was no money for my birthday present and I would have to wait. He did actually get me something for my birthday in the end but was obviously continplating not.

Last week he had no money to help with a bill but then was away shopping the next day for bits for his hobby he needed

You're not the first well-educated, intelligent women to find yourself in a situation like this and you won't be the last. This putting yourself down is probably another reason you should see your GP. At the moment you're too focused on your pain to see a way out, and you're catastrophising. I do this myself and it is debilitating, stops you actually doing anything as every route appears to be impossible.

If he won't pay for his own children you may need to get a lawyer to make him pay, but things can change.

I'm scared I won't cope on my own. I live miles away from my family. Don't really see any friends anymore. Don't really ever make time for anything except my children.

Pet, you will be a million times happier and things will be a million times easier on your own. The horrible atmosphere round the house will go. Your anxiety will go. You will have more money. You won't lose anything bad by LTB.

He's a foul cocklodger.

Do it.

You've been married to each other for 10 years and don't know your individual financial situation? You sound more like boyfriend/girlfriend than husband and wife.

Surely it was obvious that when your wage went down being on maternity leave you would need to re-evaluate who paid what?

By the way, you're married and if you've been living together for 10 years, whatever you signed in regards to the house is irrelevant, as it is, everything you and he owns will be considered on a 50/50 basis to start with, regardless of whose name it's under.

OP, you absolutely WILL cope on your own. How do I know this? Because you're doing it as we speak. You're essentially a single parent. You're getting no help from him, be it financially, emotionally or with your children. You're already on your own. You've just got a lodger in the house, but a lodger who doesn't make any financial contribution whatsoever. Worse yet, one who expects you to contribute towards him.

~ You're ALREADY paying for everything so should you leave him your financial circumstances will be no different. In fact they'll probably be better because you'll have more money once he's not scrounging off you all the time

~ Your children may be small enough now so that they don't notice what's going on, but as they get bigger, start school, make friends and visit other people's houses, they'll start to notice the differences between their family and their friend's family

~ Most of all, if he doesn't give a shit about his children now, he's never going too. He doesn't want to mind them, spend time with them, have anything to do with them. How do you think they're going to feel about that as they grow up?

You say that he said in the case of his ex, everything was always her fault but now you're beginning to see a different side of the story. She was probably in a very similar situation to you but she decided she'd had enough, and I bet she's doing a lot better now on her own.
OP, you'd be doing yourself and your children a MASSIVE favour if you left him.

I knew what he was earning years ago but then he went to self employed and basically i think makes it look a lot less than what he actually is getting.

We always had separate accounts when we first got together We just paid half the bills and what ever we had left was our own. When we got married we just never changed that as it seemed to work we both earned roughly the same at the time and it just worked ok for us.

Then daughter came along I started earning a lot more before her with promotions etc he started earning a lot less and changed his job he did less work and looked after her and I worked to pay for everything.

Then we bought a new house and it was in my name. Due to other reasons we couldn't get a joint mortgage more to do with his income.

So he put the money from the house sale and gifted it to me signed it over that he didn't want any financial benefit from the house and then we signed through the lawyer that should the house be sold he gets his money back.

We just never changed the not having a joint account as it always worked fine as before the new house all the bills where in his name I just paid him half the money every month since everything was in my name he just stopped paying half the bills as it's not coming out his account anymore

He is always really good with our daughter and does do a lot with her always spends time with her and she adore him vice Versa but he barely does a thing for the baby and thinks it's ok and that men just don't like babies which I know is wrong

He always made out his ex had unreasonable expectations and always on his case but now I can imagine that her expectations where probably normal ones tans pretty much put up with what I am just now x

I think tbh the worrying thing is that he doesn't actually recognise that what he is doing is wrong

What does he actually do with his DD?. I would think it is no more than he absolutely has to in terms of parenting; he does nothing with the baby. She has a sibling too; what does he do for that child?. He takes the child benefit money as well which is nasty.

And there is that bloody word adore again. She may well supposedly adore him but she may well fear his reactions too if yours re her dad are anything to go by. Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships, that men do indeed treat women as serfs or something they have stepped in.

What does he mean he won't look after the baby when you go back to work? Who does he think is going to do it?

Get rid of this abusive fucker.
You are worth so much more.

Said he doesn't want to be stuck at home with a baby would rather do his hobbies

So the useless piece of shit doesn’t want to look after the kids or work?
But is happy to claim child benefit?
Piss taking mother fucker.

I just don't feel strong enough to deal with this I know I need to

When I read the comments here it makes me more angry about it as I have tried to justify his behaviour in my head for so long and it is not justifiable.

I often wish that I could just catch him cheating on me or something as then it feels like a reason he can't argue with and turn it round to me being unreasonable

He is actually well educated too and is able to get well paid job with his degree but just chooses not to as said he's not doing anything he doesn't like.

I'm sorry there's days I go out to work and don't want to there's days I don't like my job but I suck it up and get on with it as I live in the real world where everything costs money.

I even struggled through work to 4 weeks before baby was born with terrible spd because I had to for money.

He is unrealistic and unreasonable

What also infuriates me is that when we are with other people he acts like he is the best dad in the world he will sit and play with baby and then the min they leave baby gets handed straight to me not to played with again until we are in someone else's company.

So I'm scared everyone will think I'm making all this up

Another thing to consider is if you wait until you go back to work before you split up, he will claim the house as the primary carer of the children.

Op
Apart from the fact that your H is a lazy arsehole the main thing I get from your posts is the fact that you are embarrassed about what people will think if you kick him out. It doesn’t matter who thinks you are making things up or what a great dad he is YOU know the truth which is what actually matters.
Why are you so concerned about keeping up this facade?

Thank you.
I'm going to get legal advice. I doubt he would want to be the sole carer of the children anyway as he has clearly stated he doesn't have the time for them. Well at least the new baby anyway. Constantly stating he can't wait until he is older then he will take an interest in him.
The thought of sitting in the house with a baby even for a couple of hours depresses him.
We are not worthy of his time and obviously not his main priority.

Be careful, someone like this is liable to go for custody as a way to get the house/maintenance/better financial settlement