What shall I do about reporting to police?

[shallichangemyname]

I have just exited a narcissistic, controlling and violent relationship.
I have been to the police on a "no names" basis, but they worked out who he was and have told me he has a long history of violence against former partners, all recorded but nobody ever co-operated in him being charged and tried, so he's always got away with it.
They are taking this so seriously that I have been classed as high risk and referred to MARAC (multi agency risk assessment conference) and the police have informed the children's schools. I have been given a mobile police alarm.
One of the things he has done is he used to push and push and push me, and then I'd explode and he'd video it surreptitiously on his mobile phone, which I understand is typical of narcissistic abuse where they want to portray you as the mad one. He's a big drug taker and persuaded me to dabble with him, and there is one reference to this on one video (to me though, not to him).

I've been very honest with police and told them everything.
The violence never hospitalised me, it was black eyes and bruises and scratches. There is a question mark over whether I was raped (according to the law) when I last saw him. Recently he turned up at my offices, where my boss is my father, to make allegations about me to him.

The police are obviously keen to prosecute him and have told me they class him as dangerous to women (he broke his last girlfriend's jaw, I had heard a rumour about this and the police confirmed it as true).
I have given them the names of two women I know he is seeing, so that they can be offered "Clare's law".
My question is do I name him now and allow them to prosecute?
Down sides: my name is dragged publicly through the mud with his stupid videos; he potentially loses contact with his youngest child and blames me; when he comes out of prison/gets a suspended sentence he makes it his life's mission to get revenge on me (he always claimed he knows some nasty people, that he has a gun and once told me he was going to have someone killed). He won't be able to carry out his constant threats to show his stupid videos to people, or to turn up at my office.
Up sides: it stops him doing it to other women.
The police understand that in DV situations you need to be selfish and put yourself first.
Everybody (except one friend who pointed out the revenge thing) is encouraging me to name him, even three of his closest friends have told me to.

Currently I've had the police serve a PIN on him in relation to the recent harassment (he calls me incessantly, emails me, and deliberately goes to places he knows I am going to). A PIN is a formal warning notice that offences are being committed under the Protection from Harassment Act and that if he continues he may be charged. So I'm hoping that will make him stop (because he will know I've been to the police). I feel protected, in that I've had 4 home visits from the police and the child protection people and I have a mobile police alarm.
Before he left (and as a condition of him leaving), under duress I entered into an agreement to sell a house and give him the money. I now realise this agreement (which is in writing) is completely unfair. I am planning to give him some of the money but keep the rest and I'll calculate exactly what is fair and what he would get if he went to court (reflecting our relative contributions), but I know he is going to go mad. I have no choice but to do this - he's left me massively in debt and I can't make ends meet and the agreement is grossly unfair. I suppose this is another upside to letting the police charge him - that it will make it much more difficult for him to challenge this. but my motivation is absolutely not financial.

My dilemma is do I do the "right" thing for all women (let him get charged and co-operate in a prosecution) or for me (wait and see if the PIN works)? What would you do, putting yourself in my shoes?

I would co-operate fully with the police.

Have you contacted Womens Aid as yet; this is something that I would do if you have not done this already.

What sort of an agreement did you sign?. Was this a legal document If you signed this under duress then it is clearly unfair. What legal advice have you had re this document to date?.

I would co-operate with the police and support prosecution.

Without question.

Yes I was referred to Women's Aid and am going there for first counselling session on Thursday.
It was a legal agreement, but drawn up by me (it's my field). Neither of us had independent legal advice, although I know the law and it's my field, as I say. But I'm fairly confident a duress argument would work. A prosecution would obviously help with that, but I absolutely don't want that to be any part of my thinking.
I put the video thing in the downsides in my OP, it should obviously be in the upsides column....
My thinking here is I have to protect myself first and foremost. A prosecution will drag me through the mud terribly. Those videos will be shown and will form part of his defence (although the police say they are evidence of his coercive behaviour and I've got countless texts and emails threatening to send them to people, including my 17 year old daughter).
If they charge him with rape (a possibility) then I will be entitled to anonymity.

I know that I should do this for all the other women, past and future, and that he does not deserve any protection, but I'm really scared that he will try to take revenge on me one way or another and nobody can protect me from that.

Re the revenge - you’ve already spoken to the police. The only option really is to push through with it therefore.

I don’t see that it is about protecting other women. It is about how best to protect yourself.

The best way to protect yourself at this point is to co-operate with the police and try to get protection from the criminal justice system.

I also don’t see why you are worried about the house stuff. Of course the contract you wrote shouldn’t stand if it was made under duress. Why would it be fairer to just shut up and put up?

The police are trying to protect you - you need to help in any way. Unless your dc identifying your body sounds appealing.
My exh friend had numerous efforts form the police to keep her ex at bay, he murdered someone and abused her dd, she had been in contact with him all along. Bloody disgrace to women in real danger - don't abuse the hell given either - nail the fucker. Don't waste police resources.

notasperfect I’m worried they’ll be identifying my body if I go through with this though. He will take whatever revenge he can. He once told me was was going to have someone killed. I didn’t believe him at the time. But now I’m not sure.
I’m really wavering about this.

Have you told the police all of this?

Because IMO it would be sensible for them to do a lot of their investigation prior to arresting him so that they were able to be quicker re charges.

They could take your phone for evidence take your statements and wait for the phone to be processed prior to arrest.

But you say he has already had a PIN so you are already at risk of revenge surely?

Basically not cooperating with the police means you are at risk but without whatever protection the police may be able to give.

Until the police know the full facts and you push for conviction you will always be fearful. Unless he is some great Mafia king nobody will risk jail to do what he wants!! He is a bully and you must show your dc how to stand up to him.

Please tell the police every bit of this, then they and the cps can make a decision to take it further.

Please be brave enough to see this through.

Yes I have told them all this. The victim advocate person is going to come and see me to talk through what a trial would entail for me.

I think there is a large element of ‘puff’ to what he says. But I have been controlled and coerced and bullied by him for 4 years so it is difficult to see the wood for the trees with some of this.

As time goes on I am certainly wavering away from doing nothing to going the whole hog (the PIN and Clare’s law thing were huge steps for me)

Do it op , nail the fucker, gather up your strength and remember who the fuck you are!! Do it for yourself and for every other woman out there going through this shit at the hands of abusive men
Take strength from all the people trying to help you, I wish you all the luck and future happiness you deserve xx

Do it. I didn't and now I have a shared care order with the children and live in fear of him.

I might make your words my screensaver Cadence

Thank God we have no children together horray (we each have our own children from previous relationships).

I'm not sure if I said that the police told me that there are multiple complaints of DV from other women going back years. So I now know that he has an established history of this behaviour. I know what the "right" thing to do is objectively, but looking at it in a selfish, subjective way it's not so simple. I just can't stand the thought of a trial and him getting at me via third parties and for the rest of his life seeking revenge, the police can't do a lot to protect me from that. He thinks he is above the law (that's all part of his narcissism). This must explain why all his previous exes have also not proceeded to a charge.

The police do know everything, but I haven't formally identified him or made a statement, so they can't arrest him.

He is not a narcissist imo. but a psychopath.

welshmist I've done a bit of research into that. The definition of a narcissist is extremely similar to the definition of a psychopath. I hesitate to use the latter because it has far worse connotations, but he certainly displays traits of both. Do you know what the dividing line is that makes a person a psychopath rather than a narcissist?

www.counseling-office.com/pt-blog/psychopathy-narcissism-test/

www.allthetests.com/quiz33/quiz/1481998379/Psychopath-Narcissist-Sociopath-or-Empath

openpsychometrics.org/tests/SD3/

Here are some tests to try. Narcs. rarely end up attracting police attention, they do not plan ahead to hurt others, rather it is all about them which is what is so damaging to those around them.

OK, so he seems to be a bit of both but his behaviour is verging on psychopathy because he cannot or does not recognise or care about the effect of his behaviour, whereas a narcissist can/does. I think that's the distinction anyway. I'm not sure I'd say he plans to hurt others - in fact he appears to suffer total delusion about that, denying his behaviour or its effects completely.

Is this something that should colour my decisions in relation to what to do? Presumably a psychopath is much more dangerous than a narcissist?

I'd do everything I could to put the bastard behind bars op.

You've been so brave already!

It doesn't matter which he is op. Go on what you DO know.

I'd work with the police , then at least you are in the 'system'. If you don't , your ex will carry on harassing you and you will have no protection. It must be an awful situation for you and I wish you lots of luck, you can do this .

If I do I'll keep this thread going so there's a real time account of what happens. It's quite cathartic in a way, but it may also help others in my situation to have a handle on the timeline:

So far:
23 December: I first go to police. Police tell me they know who he is and he has a long DV history. They want to charge him for ABH and the new coercive control offence, and say have a prosecution plan in place already.
24 December: he stalks me, coming to where he knew I would be out with friends, stands there staring at me for 2 hours until a mutual friend goes over and asks him to leave (he then moves 2 feet further away but doesn't leave)
c. 28 December: DVU officer and Victim Advocate visit me at home
c. 29 December: police deliver personal alarm
5 January: he turns up at my work and phones me incessantly, appearing completely irrational, which motivates me to think about what further steps I might take. I report it to the police.
8 January: call police and ask for advice about what to do now. Discuss with Victim Advocate. Decide to ask for a PIN. Call 101 and put in a report.
9/10 January: police supposed to visit but too busy
9 January: Women's Aid call and offer counselling (referred by police)
11 January: police visit. I'd by then drafted a statement containing everything, in case I wanted to take out a Family Law Act non-molestation injunction. I showed them the statement rather than having to tell them everything all over again. Police say may be too serious for PIN and I will hear back from them, but to be ready for a series of further contact aimed at persuading me to take this further.
12 January: get a call to say I've been classed as high risk and have been referred to MARAC, and making an appointment to come and see me on 15 Jan.
15 Jan: child and family protection come to see me to discuss further and offer counselling etc for children. They take names and details of his current girlfriends because they want to offer them "Clare's law". They are coming to see the children on 23 January and will ask the Victim Advocate to come and see me to discuss what would happen if there was a prosecution.
16 Jan: MARAC meets. Children's schools will be informed.

Currently waiting to see the Victim Advocate and to have the Women's Aid counselling to see if this helps me to make a decision.

It really helped me to do the statement. It's 25 pages long. It really brings it home how bad things were and how glad I am that I am out of it now. It makes me feel much better. I keep remembering things to put in it (I'm sure this will go on for a long time, I buried so much of it).

Narcissistic traits and psychopathic traits are traits on the spectrum of antisocial personality disorder, which can show up in a brain scan, parts of the empathy feeling areas do not 'light up' properly and do not work as they should. So a sliding scale if you like.

I do hope that whatever you decide to do Op that you stay safe. People with antisocial personality disorder do not recover, it is not a mental health issue as such. They can be as you know very dangerous and they do not tend to 'let go' of their victims lightly.

I would advocate fully cooperating with the police.

Are you able to move so that he can not find you? Keep yourself safe by tightening up any online presence, so that he can not stalk you that way.

How utterly scary for you

I can’t move. I’m massively in debt and have got lodgers in for the academic year. And we live in quite a small place so he’ll just find out. He knows where I work anyway so it would be easy to make contact if he is determined to. He seems to be staying away but it’s very early days.

I had my session with Women's Aid today. It was quite helpful. I've been offered counselling, the Freedom Program and homeopathy(!). She explained to me why I was high risk and was surprised at how quickly I was referred to MARAC. It is because the type of abuse he's directed to me, not because of his history (I had assumed the latter). This has taught me a lesson, that I am minimising what I have gone through, because I could not see how I was "high risk" or that "my" abuse is any worse than what most other abused women suffer. To be honest, I'm still at a bit of a loss to see why I am such a high risk, but the penny is at least starting to drop.

We didn't really speak about what a prosecution and trial would entail, I will discuss that with my IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Advocate, or it might be Advisor, I'm not sure).
The local station called last night to check in, they can't see from the computer that the PIN has been served so I will call the police this afternoon to check. Until that's been served I have no protection (other than my mobile alarm).

He has emailed me today ostensibly to inform me about something, but it ends with a goady question so I have just ignored it. A friend has just messaged me to say he's put up a goady facebook post with some stupid giff saying "It's always fun listening to someone's lies when you already know the truth", so I think he's about to start up again - if the PIN had been served he would not have been allowed to email me so I'm quite keen to sort that out.

I am still undecided about letting them charge him, but am waiting to speak to the IDVA about that.

Women's Aid lady told me that, interestingly, 98% of DV victims do not support a prosecution and withdraw their statement (and that's of the ones who DO report it). I thought that was in interesting and enlightening statistic.

I have gained strength from the support on her and am writing this more as an update than anything else, I thought someone somewhere might one day find it useful for there to be real time account of what happens, and it's helping me to get my head around everything.