I have just exited a narcissistic, controlling and violent relationship.
I have been to the police on a "no names" basis, but they worked out who he was and have told me he has a long history of violence against former partners, all recorded but nobody ever co-operated in him being charged and tried, so he's always got away with it.
They are taking this so seriously that I have been classed as high risk and referred to MARAC (multi agency risk assessment conference) and the police have informed the children's schools. I have been given a mobile police alarm.
One of the things he has done is he used to push and push and push me, and then I'd explode and he'd video it surreptitiously on his mobile phone, which I understand is typical of narcissistic abuse where they want to portray you as the mad one. He's a big drug taker and persuaded me to dabble with him, and there is one reference to this on one video (to me though, not to him).
I've been very honest with police and told them everything.
The violence never hospitalised me, it was black eyes and bruises and scratches. There is a question mark over whether I was raped (according to the law) when I last saw him. Recently he turned up at my offices, where my boss is my father, to make allegations about me to him.
The police are obviously keen to prosecute him and have told me they class him as dangerous to women (he broke his last girlfriend's jaw, I had heard a rumour about this and the police confirmed it as true).
I have given them the names of two women I know he is seeing, so that they can be offered "Clare's law".
My question is do I name him now and allow them to prosecute?
Down sides: my name is dragged publicly through the mud with his stupid videos; he potentially loses contact with his youngest child and blames me; when he comes out of prison/gets a suspended sentence he makes it his life's mission to get revenge on me (he always claimed he knows some nasty people, that he has a gun and once told me he was going to have someone killed). He won't be able to carry out his constant threats to show his stupid videos to people, or to turn up at my office.
Up sides: it stops him doing it to other women.
The police understand that in DV situations you need to be selfish and put yourself first.
Everybody (except one friend who pointed out the revenge thing) is encouraging me to name him, even three of his closest friends have told me to.
Currently I've had the police serve a PIN on him in relation to the recent harassment (he calls me incessantly, emails me, and deliberately goes to places he knows I am going to). A PIN is a formal warning notice that offences are being committed under the Protection from Harassment Act and that if he continues he may be charged. So I'm hoping that will make him stop (because he will know I've been to the police). I feel protected, in that I've had 4 home visits from the police and the child protection people and I have a mobile police alarm.
Before he left (and as a condition of him leaving), under duress I entered into an agreement to sell a house and give him the money. I now realise this agreement (which is in writing) is completely unfair. I am planning to give him some of the money but keep the rest and I'll calculate exactly what is fair and what he would get if he went to court (reflecting our relative contributions), but I know he is going to go mad. I have no choice but to do this - he's left me massively in debt and I can't make ends meet and the agreement is grossly unfair. I suppose this is another upside to letting the police charge him - that it will make it much more difficult for him to challenge this. but my motivation is absolutely not financial.
My dilemma is do I do the "right" thing for all women (let him get charged and co-operate in a prosecution) or for me (wait and see if the PIN works)? What would you do, putting yourself in my shoes?