What shall I do about reporting to police?

[shallichangemyname]

I have just exited a narcissistic, controlling and violent relationship.
I have been to the police on a "no names" basis, but they worked out who he was and have told me he has a long history of violence against former partners, all recorded but nobody ever co-operated in him being charged and tried, so he's always got away with it.
They are taking this so seriously that I have been classed as high risk and referred to MARAC (multi agency risk assessment conference) and the police have informed the children's schools. I have been given a mobile police alarm.
One of the things he has done is he used to push and push and push me, and then I'd explode and he'd video it surreptitiously on his mobile phone, which I understand is typical of narcissistic abuse where they want to portray you as the mad one. He's a big drug taker and persuaded me to dabble with him, and there is one reference to this on one video (to me though, not to him).

I've been very honest with police and told them everything.
The violence never hospitalised me, it was black eyes and bruises and scratches. There is a question mark over whether I was raped (according to the law) when I last saw him. Recently he turned up at my offices, where my boss is my father, to make allegations about me to him.

The police are obviously keen to prosecute him and have told me they class him as dangerous to women (he broke his last girlfriend's jaw, I had heard a rumour about this and the police confirmed it as true).
I have given them the names of two women I know he is seeing, so that they can be offered "Clare's law".
My question is do I name him now and allow them to prosecute?
Down sides: my name is dragged publicly through the mud with his stupid videos; he potentially loses contact with his youngest child and blames me; when he comes out of prison/gets a suspended sentence he makes it his life's mission to get revenge on me (he always claimed he knows some nasty people, that he has a gun and once told me he was going to have someone killed). He won't be able to carry out his constant threats to show his stupid videos to people, or to turn up at my office.
Up sides: it stops him doing it to other women.
The police understand that in DV situations you need to be selfish and put yourself first.
Everybody (except one friend who pointed out the revenge thing) is encouraging me to name him, even three of his closest friends have told me to.

Currently I've had the police serve a PIN on him in relation to the recent harassment (he calls me incessantly, emails me, and deliberately goes to places he knows I am going to). A PIN is a formal warning notice that offences are being committed under the Protection from Harassment Act and that if he continues he may be charged. So I'm hoping that will make him stop (because he will know I've been to the police). I feel protected, in that I've had 4 home visits from the police and the child protection people and I have a mobile police alarm.
Before he left (and as a condition of him leaving), under duress I entered into an agreement to sell a house and give him the money. I now realise this agreement (which is in writing) is completely unfair. I am planning to give him some of the money but keep the rest and I'll calculate exactly what is fair and what he would get if he went to court (reflecting our relative contributions), but I know he is going to go mad. I have no choice but to do this - he's left me massively in debt and I can't make ends meet and the agreement is grossly unfair. I suppose this is another upside to letting the police charge him - that it will make it much more difficult for him to challenge this. but my motivation is absolutely not financial.

My dilemma is do I do the "right" thing for all women (let him get charged and co-operate in a prosecution) or for me (wait and see if the PIN works)? What would you do, putting yourself in my shoes?

Sorry I have only just caught up. I went out with my girlfriends last night.
The car - a small issue in the scheme of things but it was in my name. Nothing was ever in his name.
House - a sale fell through in December and he had to sign the contract as an occupier. He wants the money as well so I don’t think he will refuse. Unless he gets wind of my plan. If I get him out now by just changing the locks I think he will just break in. The tenancy was fake. He wasn’t living there at the time but wanted to pretend he was. I never got to the bottom of that but I imagine he wanted to fraudulently claim benefits. He never paid rent.
When he left I did a deed of separation containing the terms we’d agreed and a declaration of trust stating that I owned the house for him. It’s an interesting point what occupation rights he has. It’s a bit unclear. He does have something lined up to move to.

As for his interest in each house, I know the law on resulting and constructive trusts quite well. We made an agreement before we bought them. I’ll have to double check whether there has to be reliance or acts to his detriment in relation to the other house (there certainly was in relation to this house because he organised and oversaw the work and did some of it himself and he put in c£12k). I think he would say there was in relation to the other house, I think he paid for the fencing we put up and for some decoration costs. And he’s put in a new carpet since he moved there in July.
So I would concede he’s entitled to something in relation to each house. At its highest he’d be entitled to 50% of the net profit after deducting what we each put in. And deducting his half of the mortgage payments he owes me. You may well be right that he’s entitled to much less from the other house because he didn’t really do anything to speak of there and refused to pay towards the mortgage. I’ll do the sums first and see how they pan out.

@NC4 yes that’s an option but then I’m looking at months of delay for a trial etc and I’m not managing to make ends meet in the meantime.

I've been in a very similar situation. As soon as I pressed ahead with charges he got bail conditions with an exclusion zone and no contact. I did have contact from him the police located him and rearrested. We went to court and once he realised I had turned up and fully intended to go ahead with giving evidence he changed his plea to guilty. This apparently is very common.
I had to press charges, I couldn't let him do that to me and leave me bruised and battered without standing up for what was right. I understand it's a very personal choice but after months of harassment, physical threats and verbal abuse he just wouldn't go. When the violence started I knew I had to do it.
I found out a lot about my ex once the shit hit the fan. Physical violence against members of his family, years and years of abuse towards his ex. As well as lots of other things, I wished to God someone had warned me what he was like beforehand but no one had ever had the guts to stand up to him.
I, like you was concerned for the women that would come after me, as well as the threats etc. But seriously for me, going to court was a crucial part of my recovery.
Woman's aid are fantastic, I am still seeing them for therapy now. I don't know about the videos, or how he would even stand legally being able to use them, but I understand how you feel about him slagging you off. My ex loved making me the crazy one. He used to message my familiy, even my son and tell them I was crazy I needed help he was concerned about me, I was petrified that no one would believe me that they would all think it was me. I won't lie to you, the months between my assault and the trial were some of the hardest darkest days of my life but I had to do it for me. I knew in my heart of hearts unless I held him accountable for his actions it would never end, he would never leave me alone and the attack on me was quite vicious and under traumatic circumstances so I knew the violence would just get worse too.
Knowing he has a criminal record and I have a restraining order helps me sleep a lot better at night. And taking him to court, standing up for myself for me was like regaining some control.

Yes, maybe you need advice about his rights as an occupier because it is a potential factor that could affect the sale should he refuse to go.

If he didn’t take possession re the tenancy agreement and he didn’t pay rent then it is conceivable that he is not a tenant, a fence, decoration and a carpet I really doubt would be sufficient TBH especially in the face of the fact he wanted a tenancy agreement - why would he need a tenancy agreement if he though he had a beneficial interest (you obviously understand it was because he wanted to fraudulently claim HB but it’s what I would be asking him to explain TBH).

He certainly has acted to his detriment re the house you live in but that is a separate property.

Might be worth keeping something to show where he was living if he was trying to fraudulently claim HB - then when you are out safely you can report him for that and hopefully he will get done for that too - something to have up your sleeve for when you need it...

Just an update....
Been referred for all the usual Women's Aid stuff, counselling and one-on-one advice sessions (next one is tomorrow).
Police were supposed to come round last Thursday to discuss what a prosecution would entail. Didn't turn up. Spoke to the IDVA about it and she says I need to make up my mind one way or another otherwise it's going to drive me mad. I asked if the DVU officer could come and see me/speak to me. There are further offences I didn't initially disclose and I'd like to know more about what he might be charged with. She hasn't made any contact. The security guy took away my mobile alarm, they are not being provided any more to anyone who has a mobile phone (I felt unreasonably attached to it and was distraught when it was taken). I've been offered home security, but again no contact yet from them.
I'm feeling really exposed.
I got solicitors to write to him telling him to stay away and that I'd been to the police. Apparently he's going to a solicitor to refute the allegations. I don't really care about this at all because everyone knows what a liar he is.
I've been told he's showing the dreadful videos to lots of people and am very upset about this.
I've sent papers off to a barrister to have a meeting to discuss tactics and next steps about the house. Having been confident I could present the fait accompli of the money after the house sale, I'm increasingly nervous that I won't pull it off and he'll ask for confirmation prior to completion that he's getting all the money. So I think I need a plan in place for what happens if my plan goes tits up.

A friend of his phoned me yesterday and told me that every single one of his friends knows he has a problem with DV and a long history of it. This friend, plus one other, have disowned him. However, everyone else (while professing behind his back to be fed up of him and lacking in sympathy) are all to his face being the good friends they always were (although possibly they are distancing themselves a bit). This friend warned me (in a nice way) about how awful a prosecution will be for me with his stupid videos being aired (I could lose my career out of this).
I'm feeling really, really stressed.

I think you are making a mess of this TBH.

You have notified him you have been to the police thereby risking his wrath but you haven’t actually been to the police in reality and therefore don’t have their protection and have given him loads of extra time to seek advice and come up with excuses/defences.

You are scared you will lose your career because of the videos but at any time he could show them to anyone he wants and he is doing that at the moment. If they were shown in court then they would be seen in context. This way he is owning the narrative around them which makes them way more damaging.

Why on earth are you even speaking to his friends?!?!? Of course his friends aren’t going to tell you to take him to court.

Also re the house. Beware tying yourself in legal knots re a fait accompli... he will be acting to his detriment based on your contract by moving out and giving up his occupation rights.

Also re the house. Beware tying yourself in legal knots re a fait accompli... he will be acting to his detriment based on your contract by moving out and giving up his occupation rights.

And whilst the police stuff is shit how many times do you expect an underfunded, dangerously overstretched police force to send a specialist officer to your house to ‘talk things through’ when you haven’t even reported a crime?

I agree with Offred. You might be a lawyer, but I think you're far too immersed in this to be able to think properly.

Your posts read like justifications for what you are doing, and you are backing yourself up by saying "I'm a lawyer, I know all this stuff, so what I'm doing is correct".

I think you need to go to another lawyer who also knows what's what, but they will be able to look at all of this in context and more importantly they will be neutral and view what's happening from a distance, so will be better able to advise rather than you trying to advise yourself whilst dealing with everything that's going on at the same time.

I agree I’m too immersed. I’ve booked a conference with a barrister to talk through options.
The friend of his who called me is an ex friend and has disowned him and he has told me today he thinks I should wait til the house is sold and then proceed with a prosecution. He just wants to make sure I know that it will be hard. He refers clients to me and was wanting some personal advice, the last time I spoke to him before now was last August. I do speak to one of his other friends, i am very friendly with his wife. I am told by those two that all of them are unanimous in wanting him charged. They all think he is a danger to himself and to other women and they are worried for me if I don’t. Now that they are all talking to each other about it, information is being shared and they are realising the extent of his issues (insofar as they didn’t already know).
Re the police I’m very happy to go into the station rather than meet them at home. I don’t want to waste their time.
This is a difficult process. The official statistic is that 98% of those who report this sort of thing eventually decline or pull out of a prosecution.

I think you are on very dodgy ground talking to so many other people about it TBH, especially people associated with him.

I would seek advice properly as a non-lawyer would specifically re the contract and the rights he may/may not have re the house.

I believe you should make a formal police report too but the longer this flip flopping and consulting with people goes on the weaker the case will be.

What you seem to be doing, probably out of all kinds of different and understandable fears, is trying to manage, control and limit the potential negative effects on you.

I think you need to probably come to terms with the fact that you can’t expect to do that and that you need to either place trust in the criminal justice system and just deal with the negative things as they happen or continue to depend on him to just decide not to hurt you any further.

Bang on Offred
Waiting for the appointment with counsel for a plan B

His friends don’t know about the house and the money. I’ve kept that one very quiet.

No, I meant re the criminal stuff.

The more you talk to people about it, the longer you delay, the more time you give him to come up with stuff, the more you talk about the DV with his friends the more difficult it is going to be and the more he will be able to throw at you; alienating him from his friends by badmouthing him, why didn’t you report it sooner (report is about not wanting to give him money from the house) and there is going to be more and more people who could be interviewed re what you have said and to whom (if they are his friends they may not help you).

FWIW I found reporting to police the most empowering experience.

A number of DV relationships I never reported and I lived in total fear and swallowed all the feelings into myself. This time reporting has helped me hugely to move forward feeling strong and not scared.

(I fully understand the fear and the feeling you need to try and control. Paradoxically giving over control to the appropriate people was the best thing for me).

I hear what you say. I just want to get the legal position clear on the house first.
I am edging slowly towards a prosecution.
Thank you for helping me think more clearly x

Apology for messiness of my post and if i repeat things, i read through this quite quick so apology if missed something and length of my post.

I'm a bit confused as to how someone can buy three private plates with no bank account?

If he has no bank account, how can he prove he has actually paid for or paid you anything he owes or contribute anything?

I read this article quickly but can't remember you saying his employment status?

Presuming he's unemployed, it would be interesting how he could prove he bought a car, three number plates, paid rent, paid car insurance, road tax, invest in property and renovate them with no savings or income?

On one hand he will dig a hole claiming to have been able to somehow afford all of this and presumably say he paid you in cash...but from where? Can he show where he transferred money to your accounts? Has he paid rent to your account? Have you given him any receipt for rent paid cash if he claims so?

Then he "blackmails" you for money and to sign over this and that to him?
Where is the paperwork? Could you find it in his absence if he got detained? Has he moved in a new g/f?

Has he lied saying he would leave and you paid him the ransom and he didn't?

Am I right in saying others stay with you currently in your other house?

If the house he is in now is yours on paper, why once he is detained can't you put his possessions into storage, change locks and register it formally as your home address with a court order keeping him away from you and hence, the house too?

Has he got money to take you to court and fight for his alleged losses?

You have the paperwork / bank statements to prove payments on and associated with the properties, house insurance etc, the car and the number plates (who's name are they in if you bought them? Dvla will have proof and also of what cars they have been assigned to) and car insurance?

Technically he could have stolen and sold your car without consent in the eyes of the law as the £11K is not in your account as the car maybe was

I don't believe he could prove much to a court if he choose to pursue you with his restraining order over him?

Would it not cost him to take you to court?

Surely wouldn't get legal aid when he can't show a lawyer how he allegedly paid anything? Do lawyers take on cases they know they will lose?

Did police indicate the length of sentence he would get? Long enough for you to sort stuff out?

He will need somewhere else to officially live at regarding release from any prison sentence and restraining conditions imposed?

Nearly forgot, how long were you together? Not engaged or married I hope?

STOP TALKING TO HIS FRIENDS, You don't know what they are telling him. You might slip and mention something you regret.

Get another impartial set of legal eyes over this once you have structured it all in chronological order.

I'm just echoing others in saying to be very careful about what you say to anyone with any type of 'connection' to him. Ex-friends may have friends who are still in contact with him. Sometimes ex-friends use information to hit out at others out of spite without thinking (spite towards him, not you).

I'm quietly rooting you on. I think you're a very courageous woman.

Just to answer those questions:
number plates: I paid from my bank account. They were registered in his dad's name. He never has anything in his name, I don't actually think he even has a bank account.
Proof of payments towards the house: he put in £3k which he withdrew as 3 separate sums of £1k from an account in his mother's name, which he had said was his and hidden "from the tax man", which was put towards the house. I accept that he paid for all the paint, and the receipts are all in a box at home (unless these went on a credit card which he uses and which is in his mother's name, then he can't prove he paid, but as I know he did I'll happily concede that). He may have put other bits and pieces on the credit card. The credit card will be his only paper trail: I paid off the credit card at one point, so most of what he put on it I paid for anyway). There's a paper trail to everything I paid because I took cash out of my account to pay workers and purchases were all on my credit cards, and a car was sold and the sale proceeds used to pay off his mother's credit card, amongst other debts). Other than that, he can't prove anything. It will be difficult for him to prove what he spent because, for one, he claims to the tax man he makes a very small amount of money, so his declared income won't sit well with a claim to have put in loads of untraceable cash payments.
His occupation: he's a second hand car trader (yes, I know, I can hear your collective groan), he doesn't operate out of any premises but buys and sells cars one or two at a time, usually getting rid of them on the same day he buys them (he tends to sell to other traders at a smaller mark up than if he were to retail, but occasionally he retails on ebay/gumtree)
Relationship: lived together 3 1/2 years, never married (praise the lord)
Legal aid: he won't get it in the current climate I wouldn't think, legal aid is very limited these days. If he gets it, then I just have to deal with that.
Police haven't indicated length of sentence, it was something I was hoping to ask them. If he's charged with rape it would obviously be much longer than the ABH and coercion offences.
He seems to have had the penny drop that he may not get "his" money. He's asking people if I've said anything and that he's going to get a solicitor to ask me to confirm I'll be paying him the net sale proceeds. I've now had legal advice and can argue that the original agreement is void or voidable because of duress and/or undue influence, and the next stage then is to examine what each of us put in to arrive at an equitable distribution, given our relative contributions. So plan A (the fait accompli) is unlikely to work, and I'm now onto plan B - a letter is going today from solicitors telling him that the agreement is void/voidable, that I will be preparing a detailed schedule and proposal and he will have that in the next few days. I'm proposing that the sale goes ahead and a solicitor holds onto the sale proceeds while we resolve the issue: if the sale falls through because he disagrees, then so be it. I'm ready to face him in court over this issue and I'll issue a claim.

And I'm ready to go to the police and give a full statement so they can charge him with everything.

I've put feelers out to see if any of the exes might make a statement (either in civil or criminal proceedings), but I've stopped short of contacting any of them. My instinct is that I shouldn't be seen to be doing that (although any contact made would be legitimate because I'd be asking them to be a witness in civil proceedings concerning the house). The consensus is that they will happily share information with me, but won't want to be involved on an official level because they have all moved on and are just happy to be away from him and letting someone else have the argument. They just don't want trouble (nor do I) and I understand that, but it would obviously make the case stronger if other women were to stand up and be counted and say that he was the same with them. I found out on Sunday that he actually tried to sue one of the exes, claiming an interest in her house (he backed down after a bit of solicitors' correspondence).

Significant update.
I tried the civil route. I sent solicitors correspondence instructing him to stay away and informing him that the police were aware. And to inform him that I do not agree to him having all of the sale proceeds and invite negotiation.
I took out an ex parte non-molestation order and on the return date I accepted undertakings.
Within 24 hours he was breaching the undertakings by sending messages via third parties intended to intimidate me into "backing off" over the house/money.
I pressed the thermo nuclear button and went back to the police. Spent until 3am with them last night and spent 3 1/2 hours giving video evidence today. He has been in custody since 11pm yesterday.
They also interviewed 2 of my children today, the youngest one who he bullied and the oldest one who witnessed a fair bit.

They have warned me that he will in all likelihood be released tonight on bail while they gather further evidence.

I cannot say how I am feeling. One minute I feel numb, another filled with dread for what is to come, and another empowered and free.

His new girlfriend has been offered and accepted Clare's Law but has already told the police she "knows" him so it is unlikely to save her. But at least they tried and she will have to learn the hard way. And she isn't my concern, I am.

OMFG!!! You absolute STAR!!!!

I know that you will be feeling very mixed up and fragile and afraid right now but you have done SO well!!

Really well done...

I had a few weeks post reporting where I was a total mess, virtually housebound, terrified etc but this did go away and I began to feel empowered by standing up for myself, I hope you begin to too.