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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH proposition is pissing me off

83 replies

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 09:10

DH has decided that now would be the good time to look for another job and move. Because you know, I’m getting a bit bored with what I’m doing now. Job would be far enough that it wouldn’t be commutable of course....
I’m so angry at him.
Not because of the idea of moving. I’ve been telling Id love to move for years (think about 15 years). He has been saying he hates the place we are living for about the same amount of time.
But, no. It was always impossible. It was the financial crisis (can’t risk to loose my redundancy money if things go bad), his hobbies (no way I won’t be able to do x and y) and Just generally refusing to look further than 15 miles away from he has always lived.
And now he wants to move .... just when my business is finally doing well (I would have to start from scratch again), when we have found a school that works for the dcs and when both dcs are entering the time when they will have exams after exams (between them, they will have one exam each year for the next 4 years - Dc1 GCSE next year, then dc2, the Dc1 Alevel And dc2 Alevel) so really the last time when you want them to move to a new school.

I’m pissed off. He has form to find ‘just the right job’ to suit him when he wants so I am in no doubt that his change of heart is linked with something he really wants to do (or wants to avoid)
Relationship isn’t going well atm and it feels like it’s a perfect way to reign me in.
And all the objections that he used before seemed to have disappeared, even though they are still probably even more valid now than they were before.

Just needed to vent. I need to have a chat with him about it but feel too pissed off just now to be able to have a rational conversation.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 17/01/2018 09:15

It sounds like it’s your turn to have objections, just as he objected in the past.you don’t have to talk him into not moving , you are allowed to decide it’s not the right time. And point out you’ve always accepted his decision before and you’re sorry if he regrets putting so much emphasis On things that obviously don’t matter that much after all (as they aren’t objections now), but that doesn’t change why it won’t work now.

Cheekyandfreaky · 17/01/2018 09:17

If you refuse for the reasons you’ve outlined in your OP, what could he say to still push the move? Surely he would have to see it’s not feasible?

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 09:28

I think the issue is that I’ve proposed to move for so long that it will look like I have a total change of mind... and it’s no more understandable than him suddenly wanting to iyswim

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 17/01/2018 09:29

What time said

wagil · 17/01/2018 09:34

Do you think your business becoming successful might be a problem for him?

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 09:37

I’ve been wondering about that wagil.
It’s very hard to know what DH thinks but the timing is clear. It’s all happening as I’m getting better from a chronic illness, Business is picking up etc....

OP posts:
Sunshines80 · 17/01/2018 09:42

What cheeky said ^

KatharinaRosalie · 17/01/2018 09:44

You should have exactly as much right to say no. It would be the least convenient tie for your DC to move, that could really mess up their exams.

magoria · 17/01/2018 09:45

If the relationship isn't going well don't disrupt yourself, your now thriving business and your DC and leave you vulnerable should it end soon after.

Stay and put you and your DC first.

InDubiousBattle · 17/01/2018 09:49

He sounds like a bit of an arsehole tbh. So he's insisted that you stay put whilst it suits him to do so and now you're feeling better, your business has taken off and your kids are entering the most important time I their education to date he decides he's ready to move? Fuck that I'd be going nowhere.

Womensplaceisintherevolution · 17/01/2018 09:52

Just refuse to move then. Give all the reasons that you just written down. Say that when the kids have finished school you'll reconsider.

TeeBee · 17/01/2018 09:55

Just say no then. He's been saying no, so can you.

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 09:57

Dubious that’s exactly how I feel tbh.

You should have exactly as much right to say no
Thanks. I think I needed to hear that.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/01/2018 09:57

Its not a good time to move with school - that is simple and clear cut.

But what isnt is why you are still with him

GaraMedouar · 17/01/2018 10:01

Not a good time to move at all with the kids about to start GCSE's.
And it's moving just because he now feels like it, not because he has to.
I would say that you need now to wait until after the children have completed exams - so reconsider in a few years.

Margarethoward112 · 17/01/2018 10:01

I feel for you as I have experienced this myself, stay positive and I'm sure you will get through it. If you need any support feel free to reply back.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2018 10:01

I was wondering precisely what Quartz has written. I also think the timing of such a pronouncement from him is also deliberate.

KungFuEric · 17/01/2018 10:01

With the exam situation I'd make it clear that the family are not in a position to move for 4 years.

Maybe he can though.

wagil · 17/01/2018 10:03

He wants his top dog billing back, will his ego cope with the loss of control, or are you already on a very slippery slope to the bottom OP?

0ccamsRazor · 17/01/2018 10:04

Tell him absolutely no way are you and the dc going to move.

His wants do not trump the dc right to continue with their education at the schools that they are currently in. Especially at such a critical point re exams.

His wants do not trump your hard work on you blossoming business and health.

He can leave if he wishes, ffs

lottiegarbanzo · 17/01/2018 10:04

He can't make you move, so don't. Simple as that really.

Given the school situation, you have a very strong reason why not now. But, you could say 'I'm delighted you're thinking more flexibly after all these years, now is not a good time but let's revisit this in five years.'

Would your business become any more moveable in a few years?

TeeBee · 17/01/2018 10:04

He had his chance to move all of those years you were asking him to. Now it doesn't suit the rest of the family so now he will have to wait, or go alone.

Hullygully · 17/01/2018 10:06

tell him to fuck off

InDubiousBattle · 17/01/2018 10:07

Maybe he can though

That was very much my thinking too Kungfu!

WorldWideWanderer · 17/01/2018 10:07

I will echo what others have said...yes, you have the right to change your mind too.
He objected in the past and gave his reasons, which were valid for him at the time.
You couldn't move as he didn't want to. However, now YOU have changed your mind, for exactly the reasons that you have given us...and they are valid ones, not only for your business but for the children too. Explain why you have changed your mind and why you won't be moving yourself or the family right now.
He has the right to go ahead and get a job but he'll have to do the long commute or leave on his own....wave him goodbye. Or point out that his new job search may cost him more than he's bargained for....

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