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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH proposition is pissing me off

83 replies

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 09:10

DH has decided that now would be the good time to look for another job and move. Because you know, I’m getting a bit bored with what I’m doing now. Job would be far enough that it wouldn’t be commutable of course....
I’m so angry at him.
Not because of the idea of moving. I’ve been telling Id love to move for years (think about 15 years). He has been saying he hates the place we are living for about the same amount of time.
But, no. It was always impossible. It was the financial crisis (can’t risk to loose my redundancy money if things go bad), his hobbies (no way I won’t be able to do x and y) and Just generally refusing to look further than 15 miles away from he has always lived.
And now he wants to move .... just when my business is finally doing well (I would have to start from scratch again), when we have found a school that works for the dcs and when both dcs are entering the time when they will have exams after exams (between them, they will have one exam each year for the next 4 years - Dc1 GCSE next year, then dc2, the Dc1 Alevel And dc2 Alevel) so really the last time when you want them to move to a new school.

I’m pissed off. He has form to find ‘just the right job’ to suit him when he wants so I am in no doubt that his change of heart is linked with something he really wants to do (or wants to avoid)
Relationship isn’t going well atm and it feels like it’s a perfect way to reign me in.
And all the objections that he used before seemed to have disappeared, even though they are still probably even more valid now than they were before.

Just needed to vent. I need to have a chat with him about it but feel too pissed off just now to be able to have a rational conversation.

OP posts:

StormTreader · 17/01/2018 10:09

"What a shame this didnt come up 5 years ago! Maybe at some point in the future but it just isnt possible right now with my business picking up and the kids school being sorted. Maybe we can look again in a few years time. Plus, it would take you away from x and y hobbies, and youve always said in the past how you couldnt bear that, I just wouldnt feel right knowing you couldnt do them."

(ie "all those reasons you came up with to say no to me? Here they are back again, in spades sucker")

AJPTaylor · 17/01/2018 10:10

We wanted to move for years. We looked ahead to the year that dd2 finished a levels, dd3 would change school anyway which conveniently was the year the mortgage went and dd1 finished uni. You cant relocate for shit and giggles halfway through exams.
Just give him a flat no

RainyApril · 17/01/2018 10:10

It would be disastrous to move your dc at this stage in their education. I would only consider it if it was absolutely essential. He will just have to wait a few years.

Original poster

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 10:11

Business simply not moveable as its customer facing.

Someone asked why I’m still with him. I think the short answer is that I’ve been ill enough to not be able to support myself or look after myself and the dcs on my own. Staying allowed me time to recover, time to being the business back to more acceptable level (not amazing amounts but something) etc...
I also hoped to be able to save that marriage but other things happened in the last 6 months that killed any love on my side once and for all.
That’s also the reason why I really do NOT want to give up my business. I really need that little bit of financial independence.

OP posts:

Sarahjconnor · 17/01/2018 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 10:13

Xpost with a lot of you!

OP posts:

sadie9 · 17/01/2018 10:13

Yeah, it's a case of 'sorry the kids are settled here and have lived here their whole lives'. So they come first now. So tell him you'll have to put your plans on hold for the next 4 years until they finish school.
If you DHs job is 'boring' then he needs to find other ways to fulfill his needs outside work. You are better off asking questions than suggesting solutions to him. Like 'if you feel there's something missing in your life, maybe there are other ways for YOU to get something more out of life other than changing job and moving the entire family?'

whiskyowl · 17/01/2018 10:14

I think it's incredibly unfair for one party just to present something like this as a fait accompli. It's the kind of decision you need to take together, after a long period of agonising.

And yes, time makes a difference. Once can want to move for a while, and then feel more settled and not want to do so. That isn't an inconsistency. It's because life has changed. Having kids who are settled in school, and a business that is going well are things that would change anyone's relation to the place they live.

Original poster

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 10:19

Fwiw he has being grumbling about his job for years too, think about 10 years or so.
Which is why it feels so annoying to suddenly see him decide that actually that’s the best time to move. He had 10 years to do so when it wouldn’t have been so much of an issue, either for the dcs or for myself....

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 17/01/2018 10:19

I think if your instincts are saying there's an element of wanting to "rein you in" and control you, then you should listen to them.

Don't be bullied. You and the children matter just as much as he does.

saladdays66 · 17/01/2018 10:19

If he was able to veto your move years ago, then do just the same to him now.

You and the dc are happy. That's three people. He is only one peron. You win!

Tell him you've always accepted his reasons for not moving in the past, even though you didn 't agree with them, and he has to do the same now. (Or he can piss off and move by himself. Sounds like that might be best for you, OP?)

saladdays66 · 17/01/2018 10:20

*person

thethoughtfox · 17/01/2018 10:21

What one person wants in a family isn't enough for a the whole family to be uprooted unless it was a very serious reason: safety, mental health etc He wants this but is it necessary? Then weigh up your wants, needs, affect on your business, and your children. If you seriously weigh it all up, he doesn't have a strong case.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2018 10:23

You cannot save what is a failing marriage here on your own; he has to want to do his bit here and he clearly is not and moreover does not want to. His suggestions are only in his own self interest, he sounds lazy and you have carried him. If you love for him has now gone then I would look into formal separation.

cloisonne · 17/01/2018 10:24

What school year is DC1 in currently? Kids are still changing schools from what I can see where I live in Year 9 so I'm guessing that even if they have started the GCSE syllabus in some schools, they can obviously still catch up. My nearest local state school are allowing the kids to change their options in Year 9 still.

Not ideal because their option choice will be limited but it's not the end of the world. Redundancy in families and a new job may well force a move but Year 9 would be the latest you could shift the kids due to the GCSE syllabus. No way would I move them once in Year 10 even if it meant living separately for 2 years. But financially, it might not be possible...

TeeBee · 17/01/2018 10:25

After your last update, I definitely wouldn't be moving. It sounds as though you need that business to work out if you are to ever be financially independent again...and it does sound as though you might need to be in the future. My guess is he can see you starting to become more independent and can't face the thought that you could leave him...so he's trying to stop that happening. My ex was like that...note 'ex'.

TeeBee · 17/01/2018 10:26

But guard yourself because he may come up with another way to stop you gaining independence.

Bekabeech · 17/01/2018 10:27

My few thoughts:
a) you don't move kids in their GCSE or A'level years (can move between GCSE and A'level, but it doesn't sound as if you will have that break year with your DC).
b) if your marriage isn't going to last then don't wreck your career/business or even just move.
c) if the marriage is failing then he can move if he wants.

RubyRed2017 · 17/01/2018 10:27

No way should you move the DCs now if they are settled. Different schools will use different exam boards, so this will cause them problems academically. For me that would be a red line in itself before you even start to think about the disruption to their friendship groups at such an important time for their emotional development. Or indeed your business.
This is unbelievably selfish of him. Do you think he is trying to provoke a rift with you over this to give him an exit from the marriage?

TatianaLarina · 17/01/2018 10:27

Thing is you’re not just randomly changing your mind - the conditions have changed - you can’t leave your business, and your children can’t leave their schools.

One would like to think DH puts his kids top of his list of considerations...

caringcarer · 17/01/2018 10:28

His wants should not come above your dc needs and your wishes. Tell him no, if he wants to go he goes alone. Your dc will have made friendships too and it is not impossible but very hard for them to make new friends as most friendships are already established at that age especially if they are not overly outgoing and confident.

Original poster

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 10:29

Attila my plan was to do so as soon as I was well enough to stand on my two feet (for myself and for the dcs). I’ve tried to save said marriage for too long, on my own and yes I’ve learnt it’s notsometing you can do...
As in any recovery, there is always some ups and downs but was hoping that within 6 months~ a year, I would have got there.

I’m also worried that this idea of a move will precipitate things. Which might actually be his aim after all...

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 17/01/2018 10:31

You can always say you are willing to look at a move in four years, but not while the kids are in the middle of exams. And if your business would suffer even in four years' time, then you can make a decision then.

Move when it suits you, if you want to, not when it suits just him.

Original poster

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 10:32

One would like to think DH puts his kids top of his list of considerations...
Yes.
I don’t think DH has done that very often though.

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/01/2018 10:34

So you dont need him anymore and he "suddenly" comes up with a plan that removes you from financial independence?

What a coincidence........

Tell him that if he wants to go then you wont stop him but you wont be going with him. He wont go, and you need to think about what you are going to do next.

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