Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DH proposition is pissing me off

83 replies

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 09:10

DH has decided that now would be the good time to look for another job and move. Because you know, I’m getting a bit bored with what I’m doing now. Job would be far enough that it wouldn’t be commutable of course....
I’m so angry at him.
Not because of the idea of moving. I’ve been telling Id love to move for years (think about 15 years). He has been saying he hates the place we are living for about the same amount of time.
But, no. It was always impossible. It was the financial crisis (can’t risk to loose my redundancy money if things go bad), his hobbies (no way I won’t be able to do x and y) and Just generally refusing to look further than 15 miles away from he has always lived.
And now he wants to move .... just when my business is finally doing well (I would have to start from scratch again), when we have found a school that works for the dcs and when both dcs are entering the time when they will have exams after exams (between them, they will have one exam each year for the next 4 years - Dc1 GCSE next year, then dc2, the Dc1 Alevel And dc2 Alevel) so really the last time when you want them to move to a new school.

I’m pissed off. He has form to find ‘just the right job’ to suit him when he wants so I am in no doubt that his change of heart is linked with something he really wants to do (or wants to avoid)
Relationship isn’t going well atm and it feels like it’s a perfect way to reign me in.
And all the objections that he used before seemed to have disappeared, even though they are still probably even more valid now than they were before.

Just needed to vent. I need to have a chat with him about it but feel too pissed off just now to be able to have a rational conversation.

OP posts:

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 17/01/2018 10:38

Well any time within the last 15 years you have been asking then it would have been fine for the family, apart from the fact he said no for his personal reasons. And you went along with that as it needed to be all of you on board. But he's changed his mind too late for the kid's and you and moving in the next 4 years is out of the question. So now it's a no from you (and the kids) and he will have to go along with that, until such time as you are all on board with a move together.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/01/2018 10:38

I’m chronically ill. I know a lot about what that does to a marriage and the strain I put on my dh. Is part of the reason for your dh wanting to move now because you’re better now and it would be safe to move? Ie you needed familiarity, a support group or friends etc around you. I’m not trying to say he isn’t controlling or put this on you. Just wondering if there is more too it or if he is just very self centred. Either way, moving now isn’t an option.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 17/01/2018 10:39

Or he can just go solo if he's that compelled to. Fancy even considering moving kids just before their exam years. Very selfish.

JackieMac77 · 17/01/2018 10:42

Your DC's GCSE's and A levels trump his "getting a bit bored" in his job. It's not the right time to move unless you really have to: Just say no.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 17/01/2018 10:43

If it is his plan to precipitate a separation, it sounds like it would still be within your timescales anyway, more or less. As I doubt he would be moved out, found a new job, in a new place and the financials are all done and dusted before 6 months. Doesn't it normally all take much longer?

MummaGiles · 17/01/2018 10:44

Is it a job offer or a job prospect?

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 17/01/2018 10:45

@Loveatthefiveanddime maybe more than 6 months if unlucky but certainly not 4 years.

Original poster

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 10:48

Still at the level of a proposal but he was headhunted.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 10:50

Mummy Just self centered.
From refusing to acknowledged my limitations (even when I finally got the diagnosis) to telling me I was just lazy.....

OP posts:

Loveatthefiveanddime · 17/01/2018 10:54

@DrRanjsRightEyebrow I may have misunderstood, but I thought the OP said that she would be ready/healthy enough to separate in 6 months - 1 year.
OP would your health and recovery be set back by additional stress?

EggsonHeads · 17/01/2018 10:56

Well think of it this way. Now it's your turn to say. Just pint out all the reason why you can't move that you have outlined above. Then tell him that if he wanted to move he had years to do it but now it's too late. Rub it in the bastard's face. Enjoy.

Original poster

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 10:57

Yes it could well be, which is why I wanted to be really sure I would cope with the separation before going ahead. (Hence the 6 months to a year still).
Stress has always made things much worse for me.

OP posts:

StormTreader · 17/01/2018 10:57

Is it an option for him to take the job and just live near to it in the week?
That would also mean that if/when you do separate, he is already halfway to his new living situation anyway.

ToffeeUp · 17/01/2018 10:59

I'm also worried that this idea of a move will precipitate things. Which might actually be his aim after all...

That is what I was thinking. He knows full well that now is not a good time for moving.

Oldraver · 17/01/2018 10:59

Kick him into touch, let him go off on his own. You dont love him that's all you need to know (as well as it not being the right time for you or dc'S)

hellsbellsmelons · 17/01/2018 11:22

Off he goes then.
But you don't need to go with him!

Megthehen · 17/01/2018 11:25

Lots of people work and stay over away from home now - might help if there is flexibility around this with a new employer. It would leave you a olely running the household for most of the working week - quite demanding? No to moving your children - educational and emotional impacts could be very great for them

AmberTopaz · 17/01/2018 11:32

There is absolutely no way that I would be moving my DC to a new school at this stage in their education.

Notevilstepmother · 17/01/2018 11:33

Call his bluff. Cheerfully suggest he take the wonderful offer, Monday to Friday commute with a view to you joining him in 4 years time once exams are over. You can’t move the children right now, such a shame about the timing. He can rent a room in a house.

Don’t even mention your business, only the kids. Don’t give him the satisfaction of thinking he has upset you.

His reaction to this will tell you what you need to know I suspect.

FlashTheSloth · 17/01/2018 11:33

Tell him he can crack on bit you and the kids are staying put. Amazing coincidence he has decided now is the time. I'd be telling him no way.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 17/01/2018 11:33

It's a terrible time to move with children at that stage of exams. He can go and try the job but you and the kids need to stay put until the end of A levels.

Moving school for Year 11 when you don't have to is cruel.

Notevilstepmother · 17/01/2018 11:34

You might find it less stressful without him under your feet during the week.

expatinscotland · 17/01/2018 11:36

Nope. Stand your ground. Don't move. And tell him you won't.

GaraMedouar · 17/01/2018 11:36

After your updates OP - I would definitely not be moving. Just say no, not good time and then he can do what he wants. You can concentrate on you, your kids and your business.

Original poster

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 11:38

I like your idea NotEvil
And yes that would work the best for me/the dcs too. Whilst not telling him he can’t move etc....

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4