Obesity+binge eating=impossible marriage?

[Anon2018]

I love my husband and we’ve been together for over 10 years. We have two young children, a lovely house and jobs we are relatively happy in. We rarely argue, just gentle bickering and both contribute to the daily chores of life. When we met I was a healthy weight but did have a binge eating problem. He was aware of that problem a few years in. I gradually got bigger and couldn’t even lose weight for our wedding day. My weight is the only major issue in our relationship, and we have talked so many times of how we/I can sort it, something changes for a while and then after so long it’s all gone to pot and I’m bigger than I was when we had the conversation.

I don’t blame him, he is not shallow and I think it’s perfectly reasonable he should want a healthy wife who he wants to be intimate with. I am a hippo and I can’t blame him for wanting a more pleasant sight. I have come to realise though, that I will never be free of binge eating and I will be fat forever. I would love to change for him and our kids, it’s not fair on our family, but I just can’t give him false hope and ultimately disappoint him again. He deserves to have a woman who makes him happy and can satisfy him.

I suggested that we try a ‘parenting marriage’, so he can perhaps find someone else in the long term. It would kill me to think of him with someone else, I love him, but I also hate to think of him so unhappy because of me. He was mortified by this suggestion and said absolutely not, he is married to me and will remain that way. I’m just exhausted of disappointing him, he is still holding onto the hope that I might just get it together, exercise a bit and then miraculously stop binge eating but I finally know that it’s never going to happen. I feel awful because our relationship has got so far; he can’t just leave me guilt-free because of the kids but surely he’s just going to be more and more resentful as the years go by. I can’t stand the way he looks at me sometimes - I partly want to separate for my own selfish reason which is to not be reminded of how much I’ve let myself go.

How do we move forward?

because of my husband’s shift work and having no one to look after the kids I can’t make the weekly meetings

I completely understand where you are, because I've been there, but I think that part of the problem is that your life doesn't leave any room for your own needs. Whatever tools (or combination of tools) you decide to use will take TIME. You will need to go to appointments or meetings or something, plus time to exercise.

Some of the options listed take less time away from children or might occur at better times for you, but I think it pays to be honest with yourself and your spouse that you will need TIME and SUPPORT to lose and then maintain a healthy weight.

Also, for me, living a life that left nothing to meet my own needs was a cause of my over eating. Because there were so many days that the only thing I could do for my self was eat ice cream or candy or whatever, that's what I did. It wasn't until I re-arranged my life such that I had other things in my life for me that I could let go of eating too many sweets. It was like my life lacked any real sweetness, so I substituted sugar because that was the closet I could get.

In your first post, you said, My weight is the only major issue in our relationship and with your update, I disagree. If you relationship doesn't leave room for you to make it to a Slimming World meeting once a week, there are other issues. Because if you can't make it to slimming world, then you also can't exercise, go out with a friend, or anything else.

@ Cricrichan posted this and it is spot on:

The best way of losing weight ive found is to prep. Write down a menu for the week and make sure that you prep the day before so that when you're hungry you're eating what you should be eating and will be satisfied

This is part of Beck Diet Solution and it is also part of FAA (Food Addicts Anonymous) . In FAA, you send your sponsor your menu for the next day. It is absolutely key for me. I use it with WW and enter my food and points for the next day in my tracker. If I don't eat enough, I get hungry and over eat on the wrong things. Eating enough is really important for me, and not something that I did when I tried to lose weight on my own with the "eat less move more" advice that is so often touted about it.

I really hope that you don't give up OP. I know that you aren't looking for a fad diet, or fast solution to a complex problem, but the low carb boot camp on MN is very inspiring. Many of the posters start at high weights are losing 1-2lb consistently each week. The low sugar in that way of eating prevents cravings.
I now eat low carb high (good) fats all the time and I can promise you that the food is delicious, you don't calorie count, or feel deprived. Please take a look at the thread and best of luck! You sound like a lovely and very caring person. You are worth it and you can do this

Go back the the GP and ask for a referral to an eating disorders service.
You sound like you've given up OP, saying you finally know it's never going to change etc. But is this kind of talk just giving yourself permission to not change and to keep on eating? There is more help out there. You just have to decide you want to keep trying. Work on your self esteem and do it for yourself. You are worth it.

There are no appetite suppressants prescribe on the NHS and those available on the Internet are dangerous, please don't go down that route.

I'm surprised at this thread. Every time I've tried to seek advice or help I've been told you can't have an ED if big not small, just eat less move more it's easy. I wonder if it's time for me to try seeking medical help again, pretty much given up now.

MajesticWhine - yes I certainly did feel like I may as well give up. It feels like trying for something impossible, and my last conversation with my husband it just felt pointless saying ‘I’ll try this again’ because so much has not got me anywhere now. I always fail at some point, my husband becomes frustrated and we have another conversation where he wants me to convince him I’ll be a healthy weight again.

The advice given here is very helpful, Cricrichan’s list has given me a boost. I operated a similar system last year so maybe just keep trying as my husband insists he’s not given up on the idea.

It is much harder now having children than it was previously. I can see friends if we can arrange a meet up when the shifts land right. Neither children are at school yet and the most time I’m away from them is when I’m work (I’m a teacher) which comes with its own workload I struggle to fit it. It’s always better when I’m organised and prepared, it’s helpful to have the reminder even though it seems obvious. We all forget and fall into the trap!

I’ll look into Food Addicts group, I think I read about them a few years ago. I can’t remember if it was because there wasn’t anything local to me at the time. Will revisit.

Thanks posters for great advice

Hi OP - another voice of optimism. You can do it. I spent 20 years binge eating and slowly killing myself. Tried a lot of the things mentioned in this thread, but I'd always crash. When you can eat a lot of food very quickly, it's easy to undo progress and feel like there's no escape. Find what works for you. For me it was a combination of a FitBit, MyFitnessPal and daily "cheat" foods. Instead of a multipack of KitKats, it was 1 KitKat (purchased as a single to remove temptation), counted in MyFitnessPal. Instead of 2 large stuffed crust pizzas and ice cream (7k cals just there), it was a medium pizza. Cold turkey never worked for me, this did. Slowly my whole outlook on food and my self-esteem changed. I don't need that food to repair my soul any more, I eat it when I crave the taste. Find what works for you. You can do it and you're worth it.

Please don't lose your marriage to keep your eating disorder.

You have young children and you need to be healthy for yourself and to model a healthy attitude to food for them, so you don't pass on your issues to them.

You're an intelligent woman. Make the right decision. 💐

I don't have an FA meeting near me, I do it all remotely eg get a sponsor, read the blurb (order the FA big book), listen to testimonies from others - you'll recognise yourself there. You can also do meetings via conference calls. There's endless stuff you can do.

Really feel for you. The despair is profound but it's a springboard to freedom.

PLEASE don't order appetite suppressants, either independently or through your gp, they are just more evidence of food addiction and will only keep you trapped in the addiction.

OP - any addiction (food, gambling, drugs, porn) becomes addictive because it sets off the same reaction in our brains as when we make a strong emotional connection to people. In effect - you are in a relationship with your addiction. And sometimes - however abusive the relationship it can be hard to give them up. It seems that you are just scared and desperate not to give up and feel guilt and under pressure (by your marriage if not your husband) and can only remove the guilt by ending the relationship with food or ending your marriage. And you feel you can’t give up the food.
So I’d say that it sounds as though you are feeling so guilty and hopeless that it damages your self esteem, which then creates the emotional distress and vulnerability that leads you to seek connect with your addiction. It’s often why people suffer emotional distress and turn to their addiction.
But there is a way out - and you mustn’t externalise the pressure you feel from others (your marriage, your children) as if - if it weren’t for them, you could carry on and not feel bad. That may be true but that is your addiction telling you to rid yourself of anything that gets between you and your addiction.
Most people (all?) who fall into addiction have some past trauma or emotional vulnerability that allowed the ‘relationship’ with their adddiction to happen. So it’s about counselling, comforting the harm to have suffered in the past as well as strategies to avoid over eating, start eating healthily and live a fuller life. Asking for help and advice is a really god sign that you haven’t given up!
Good luck OP!

There are specialist eating disorder counsellors out there. I know because my friend goes to one. I think it may be funded too. She's found it to be an enormous help. I would try to find a service that offers this within your area.

Of course you can do it.
But it's a long hard slog.
It takes time and effort which you already know of course,
The issue with an eating disorder is that we can't just cut it out.
We have to eat to live.
So it's unlike any other 'drug'.

You say I would love to change for him and our kids
THIS is your issue.
You have to want to do it for YOURSELF.
No-one else!

Slimming World is not good as there is no real portion control.
Does your DH work Saturdays?
There are often meetings then. Weight Watchers might be worth trying.
Please do also get some counselling.

Have you tried hypnosis?

Well, I may sound as smug as hell but, for me, giving up the food addiction and losing a lot of weight as a result was simple and straightforward. It was the agony leading up to it that was the true hell.

After a lifetime of disordered eating that I simply couldn't control I finally cried out to a power greater than myself to help me bcs I couldn't help myself - I had tried everything.

All I can say is the compulsion went. I work the programme and the compulsion hasn't returned so far.

Prayer answered then? Whatever, the compulsion went. It's gone.

Work the programme = 12 step for food addiction. Mine is FA but there are other 12 step food programmes out there eg OA (overeaters anonymous) - there are a LOT of OA meetings around. I personally find the very tight structure of FA suits me better and keeps me abstinent.

Like a PP I recommend the MN bootcamp. It’s easy to understand and the threads are also very supportive and it’s easy to fit around a busy family life. I am over 8 stone lighter today than I was this time a year ago, bootcamp really works if you stick to it!

Try the easyloss virtual gastric band app which you can download onto your phone. It stopped me bingeing after 4 days.

You can listen as you fall asleep (get a pillow speaker) it really helped with my binge eating. I stopped hiding in the kitchen pretending to do the dishes or running the tap to drown out the fact I was stuffing my face with something I shouldn't and haven't binged for 14 months now :)

Another thing I did was get the rest of the family to bin their left over food straight away...squirting some fairy on it beforehand as leftovers were a huge binge trigger for me.

I am 7 month's pregnant and have managed to only gain 7lbs so far...last time I gained 4st.

My mum said it didnt work for her but then again im not sure she really gave it a good enough go...It's worth a try and will take up little of your time :)

Great post from dadaist BTW

You seem absolutely convinced that you will never be free of this problem. I can understand feeling that way after it's been part of your life for so long, but that belief is not helping you. People can and do change their lives. CBT and other therapies can help, some medications may be useful in the short term, a supportive partner is a huge help. But nothing will help unless you (a) want to change, and (b) believe it's possible.

As with most self-harming or addictive behaviours, you may never be 100% 'free' of it, in that it may always be lurking in the background to some extent, but that doesn't mean you can't get it under control, stop it dominating your life in the way it currently is.

Please don't leave your marriage over this. I had a different eating disorder, but the principle is the same - eating disorders are jealous and greedy, they don't want to share you with anyone, don't want you to have anyone or anything else in your life. When you want to isolate yourself, push others away, that's the disorder talking. It's not what the real you wants.

OP, this link might be useful too:

eating-disorders.org.uk/counselling/find-a-counsellor/

I think what comes across to me, is your defeatist, possibly defiant, attitude. It's very clear you're saying this is how I am and will remain and it's like you're almost goading him into accepting it and never mentioning it again.

I'm not sure that's fair on either of you, or your kids. Morbidly obese is a health issue not just a visual one.

So I think you owe it to yourself and your family to try to get healthy.

The other thing I noticed is that you said something along the lines of you tried SW but couldn't do it because you were rubbish.

You will never be able to follow a 'diet' long term. Weighing and planning and counting works for a finite period of time but it's the times when misery takes over, or when you are really busy or the kids are sick and you just don't have the time for planning and weighing. What then? You go 'off plan' and feel terrible so you eat the world because fuck it, you've done the damage so you've nothing left to lose. This isn't 'you' this is pretty much everyone.

I'd say that this isn't an 'I can't diet because I'm rubbish' issue, it's an 'I have a disordered relationship with food' issue. Food isn't the enemy, you can't live without it but you can find help to work out why you punish yourself with it. It's really hard because you can't just give it up like any other addiction because you need it to live. You deserve to be happier than this OP.

I'd recommend Rebelfit (sweary but his science is good and he is not about 'be a size 10' but about 'fitness, and having a healthy relationship with food/no food is bad').

There is a very interesting and enlightening series on Netflix at the moment called Addicted To Food. It’s a documentary set in a residential programme and includes both bulimics, anorexics and overeaters. It’s very much therapy based to get to the root of the issues.

It may be a tough watch but I almost guarantee you will recognise yourself there somewhere and begin to see why you are addicted to food.

Interestingly the underweight clients are more difficult to treat than the overweight. Whilst residential camps aren’t available to all the peer support and proper understanding of your condition would be best found in a support group such as Overeaters Annymous.