Obesity+binge eating=impossible marriage?

[Anon2018]

I love my husband and we’ve been together for over 10 years. We have two young children, a lovely house and jobs we are relatively happy in. We rarely argue, just gentle bickering and both contribute to the daily chores of life. When we met I was a healthy weight but did have a binge eating problem. He was aware of that problem a few years in. I gradually got bigger and couldn’t even lose weight for our wedding day. My weight is the only major issue in our relationship, and we have talked so many times of how we/I can sort it, something changes for a while and then after so long it’s all gone to pot and I’m bigger than I was when we had the conversation.

I don’t blame him, he is not shallow and I think it’s perfectly reasonable he should want a healthy wife who he wants to be intimate with. I am a hippo and I can’t blame him for wanting a more pleasant sight. I have come to realise though, that I will never be free of binge eating and I will be fat forever. I would love to change for him and our kids, it’s not fair on our family, but I just can’t give him false hope and ultimately disappoint him again. He deserves to have a woman who makes him happy and can satisfy him.

I suggested that we try a ‘parenting marriage’, so he can perhaps find someone else in the long term. It would kill me to think of him with someone else, I love him, but I also hate to think of him so unhappy because of me. He was mortified by this suggestion and said absolutely not, he is married to me and will remain that way. I’m just exhausted of disappointing him, he is still holding onto the hope that I might just get it together, exercise a bit and then miraculously stop binge eating but I finally know that it’s never going to happen. I feel awful because our relationship has got so far; he can’t just leave me guilt-free because of the kids but surely he’s just going to be more and more resentful as the years go by. I can’t stand the way he looks at me sometimes - I partly want to separate for my own selfish reason which is to not be reminded of how much I’ve let myself go.

How do we move forward?

Thanks for all of this. I have basically made a list from all of your advice starting with what I think might work for me the most and go from there.

As regards to having to believe it’s possible - that’s still a bit of stretch! Every year for the past decade I’ve been saying ‘this is it! This is going to change my life. I’m making a positive change’ and been trying to convince my husband that I’ve found the answers and the way forward. And in doing so that’s why I don’t feel I can look him in the eye anymore with that same conviction that things are going to change.

But after everyone’s suggesting I am willing to start trying again

*Suggestions

Anon2018

A friend of mine lost a lot of weight after having hypnosis. If I remember rightly, I think she said there was a therapy session before each hypnosis session to get to the root cause of the over-eating and then a follow up plan.

One of the things I do remember is that she had to write down absolutely everything she ate and drank all day every day.

If you are interested I can ask her who she saw.

Op, it really seems you on,y try because your husband wants you to. Your posts are all about him. None of it is really about how much you want it, how your worry about the example you're setting your kids, how you want to do things and be there for them, it's all about your husband wanting you to and your reaction to that,

If you don't want to do it for you and you don't want to do it for your kids, you probably won't do it, becayse you're only trying becayse you feel you should,that's why you keep failing. You personally don't really want it,

Hi OP. I don't have time to RTFT (sorry) but I just wanted to share some advice I got from a therapist I saw recently for a long time, who helped me begin to recover from BED. He helped me to find things to focus on that weren't food - I started some hobbies (creative ones) that I can focus on when I'm having obsessive thoughts about food. This was part of him helping me to start seeing food as fuel (this doesn't mean it can't be delicious fuel!) rather than as something to base my life around. I began to derive 'happiness' from elsewhere. I'm not 100% recovered by any stretch, but I'm definitely getting there and have even begun to lose weight.

I'd absolutely recommend seeing a therapist who specialises in this sort of thing if you can (some will even see you over Skype if you can't make it to appointments - mine did) but it's not easy to get the treatment on the NHS, sadly.

It's absolutely possible to recover from this - it's not easy, or quick, and I still have bad weekends/days - but I'm getting there. I hope you find something that works for you soon.

I think the fact that you are on here posting about it suggests that you want to change it.

I think, like addictions to drink and drugs, it's important to take time to understand why you eat the way you do and how your relationship with food came to be the way it is. A lot of work has to be done in the head as well as the body. It's not as easy as putting the bottle or the cake or the rolled up tenner down and going cold turkey overnight. You have to deprogram yourself, change habits and mindsets so that when you do put the bottle/cake down it stays down a bit more comfortably.

When I was kicking the booze, I came across the Recovery Speakers website. It's a collection of talks from AA, CA, NA, CODA and OA meetings. I found it helpful listening to the AA talks because I felt (a) less alone and (b) like there might be a solution. Listening isn't the full solution but it might be of interest particularly if you are considering going to an OA meeting.

recoveryspeakers.com/category/overeaters-anonymous/

Another piece of the puzzle might be figuring out what purposes the weight serves for you. Some sexual assault survivors carry extra weight because it makes them feel safer. Some women in controlling/jealous relationships find their husbands easier to live with when they are heavy,

I mention this because I know how hard it is to be obese. Getting up and down from the floor, shopping for clothes, bumping into people who you haven’t seen in a while, sitting in an airplane seat, crossing your legs and so on. And that’s if you haven’t started having knee pain and back pain yet. Or diabetes and hypertension. (And you know that even if something in that list isn’t your reality yet, it’s your future unless you change this).

Yet, the only reason you list is your husband finding you sexual attractive.

that I will never be free of binge eating and I will be fat forever.

This need not be true at all. Please do not think this. You need treatment. Have your read "Overcoming Binge Eating by Fairburn?"

BeansOnToastWithCheese - thank you for sharing that. It makes sense and certainly when I am absorbed in my hobbies I rarely think about food.

BerkInBag - thanks for the link, listening to those kinds of things always help when getting back on track.

you tried SW
I do not mean to be rude but SW cannot help someone with BED to recover.

Very regular meals and snacks with an adequate density of nutrition in each meal/snack (Vegetables proteins some healthy oils), - with enough calories p d - together with help from an ED expert can help.

HipNewName - I started eating secretly from about the age of 5/6 I think. It started very young. My mum is anorexic (well not a diagnosed one but a glaringly-obvious-if-you-saw-her one) and was very controlling about food so I’m pretty sure of where this all started. All the problems you list are all concerns I have and have had in the past, this is the first real time in my life I’ve reflected it having such a detrimental effect on my marriage. Which was why I posted this on the relationship section.

And while I’m happy with all the great suggestions, I was wondering if there’s anyone who has been in a similar situation and how could I make my husband feel any hope in this situation. As other poster’s have pointed out this is my problem, but it’s effecting others. He often feels powerless to help. What could he do? What would people be advising him if it was him posting about this and what he should do if after five more years of his wife trying the problem not shifting?

I am feeling particularly lacking in motivation mentally because I’m not sure how to improve my marriage in the immediate future. Progress is slow, how do I keep the family unit happy in the meantime?

Surely showing progress is what he needs to get "hope"? I mean this politely but if morbidly obese, at the beginning weight loss should be fast, seeing a councillor, working at it, these things will give him hope.

Telling him to find someone else as you'll always be like this will not.

What is your objective here op? To placate him and get him off your back or to fix this?

@Anon2018, my husband is equally frustrated with me. He loves me and still finds me attractive, but hates that I am not more comfortable with myself and am repulsed by my own body so won’t take compliments or be naked in front of him. He’s also more worried about my health than I am, and I already have the sore knees and mild hypertension. I have not ‘put myself first’ since our eldest child was born, and I think somewhere deep down I don’t think I’m worth investing any effort in. And it is SUCH an effort. Every pound seems such a struggle to get off, so I keep losing the same 20 lbs, and then putting it all back on again. Plus more.
So, thank you for posting, as I have had something of an epiphany reading the wise replies on this thread, and will be trying some of the techniques out. If you need a buddy along the journey, feel free to PM me.

He could go to Al-anon. 12 step group for relatives of addicts.

I'm sorry about the situation with your mother. I can sure see how that would give one issues. I think that for many of us it takes a mix of approaches to solve this, and I can see how talking to a therapist who specializes in eating disorders could be very, very powerful for you. I can also see how that would be challenging while teaching and raising children.

Some things your DH could do:

1. Allocate time and money for you to address the problem. If you want to go to a support meeting and it is when he works, he should be supportive of hiring someone to watch the children. If you decide to go the surgery route, he should be supportive of the expense and also of your recovery. The chances of you beating this on your own for free are very slim, and he needs to understand that and be supportive of the process and the time and money involved in losing, and then in maintaining.

1. Not having junk food in the house, and not suggesting going out for unhelpful foods. He can model a healthy diet. He most likely needs more calories every day than you do (most men need more than most women), but modeling truly healthy eating rather than just what he can get away with would be positive.

1. Help with food prep and clean up to the greatest degree possible. It is more work to eat healthy, have lunches prepped for the week, and so on. He can help with the work when he is home.

1. Encouraging whole family exercise activities. Harder this time of year, but family bike rides, hikes, and so on burn off calories. Even after you have this extra weight off, you will need to work to keep it off.

1. To love you unconditionally, which it sounds like he does. You are both frustrated at the situation, but I think that the more he gives you messages that he loves you no matter your weight, and the more you are able to really accept them, the less of a problem your weight will be.

After reading all your updates, I think that the surgery option combined with counseling and a long term support system for tracking food and accountability would be great for you. I don't know the process for this, but some of the others on the thread do. The reason I think that surgery (combined with other things) might be a good option for you is because it is the fastest way to lose weight, and would give you (and your DH) the biggest payback over the next year. You could start counseling ASAP, plus reading books listed on the thread, and aim for surgery when school lets out in the spring so you would have time to recover.

I have 2 thoughts about your marriages and they kind of conflict:

1. For right now, focus on what you need to do FOR YOU, and let go of the concerns about your marriage. Talk to him, tell him what you need from him, but make YOURSELF the priority, not the relationship.

1. A lot of men like it when their wife is naked and in a good mood. If there is any part of your marriage problem that could be lessened by you letting go of judgment of your body and just enjoying sex with him, then do that. May be put a red light bulb in the light in the bed room -- really helps the lumps and bumps in our skin disappear. May be buy something sexy to wear. I like www.hipsandcurves.com/, but I'm in the states right now. I'm sure there is a UK equivalent.

I really wish you well. It is so obvious from this thread what a long term struggle this has been, and that you were at a point of giving up hope on yourself. There really is hope. You really can have a different future. Keep believing that, and you will figure out the right path for you.

I think that the surgery option combined with counseling and a long term support system for tracking food and accountability would be great for you.

It is advisable to have extensive counselling about underlying issues and addictions, even if this is planned. Some people who have surgery become alcoholics.

Look into Bright Line Eating.
I've not committed her programme, but she has said some very interesting things about binge eating that have helped me take a few faltering steps towards changing my relationship with food, and lose some weight.
The therapist who I work with believes that most compulsive or binge eating is trauma based. Developmental trauma ( trauma experienced in childhood) is relatively easy to treat. I thought it would be all dredging up the past and dwelling on it, but I have always
come out if a therapy session feeling better than I went in.
Good luck with it.

He often feels powerless to help. What could he do?

I would say he is powerless to help. Anything supportive he could do will only work if you are on board with it. It's like they say in al-anon

He didn't cause it
He can't control it
He can't cure it

how could I make my husband feel any hope in this situation.*

By making every effort you possibly can to lose weight. Show him you are committed to change.

Of course he could support all your efforts, cheer you on etc but the power and responsibility are yours.

boilingkettle - thank you for posting and acknowledging a similar situation! I will definitely PM you as I would love to have the company and understanding of someone else going through the same! I am the only overweight person in my entire family and out of all my close friends so this would be great!

HipNewName - thank you for such thoughtful feedback and advice. Given me and my husband a lot to think about and I think it’s sound advice. I’m not quite ready for the surgery option yet, I think it might be something I review in a year from now after I’ve really had a good go at the other suggestions in your post.

Ohyesiam - that’s interesting. I’ve been in two minds about the therapy side; as one poster said some believe it needs emotional therapy and others believe it is a habit and about logically solving each urge. Both make sense it’s just a case of which will work! I’ve tried both in the past but either not enough or the quality wasn’t there.

This has all been great and knocked some sense into me. I feel at the bottom of a huge mountain but feel at least I’ve got the right shoes and gear to get me going!

Progress is slow, how do I keep the family unit happy in the meantime?

Not to be unsympathetic but - make more progress! Book a health check with the GP. Cut out some particular foods. Schedule in a brisk walk on both weekend days. Spend a few minutes looking up healthy recipes and making a shopping list.

Just show clearly that your mindset is that you will change this and you are taking steps every day towards that.

I think saying ' cut out particular foods ' entirely misses the nature of food addiction.

Saying to an alcoholic ' just drink shorts/one pint /one glass of wine ' just wouldn't work. No different with an addiction to food.

Except we have to keep eating!

Hence wraparound support fellowship. No stone unturned with 12 step (thank goodness otherwise an addict would find a way around it to sneak in the addiction - astonishing self deception with an addict!)

Which is free and you can start now. And you don't have to do anything drastic like surgery.

IF it is an addiction that is!

@springydaffs -- great post, and I agree with you100%

OP I was you (except for the marriage bit ) as it was too late for mine.

Somehow, and i know you will have to dig deep for this, but you absolutely MUST make time for you. Even if you start by allocating some time each week to research exercise or meals you'd like to try. This is the perfect time of year to get out for a walk whennoonecanseeyou as its colder and you'll want to move to warm up.

I started by weighing myself a couple of times a week before i was ready to start losing - it helped me to observe or note fluctuations.

I saw that although i was eating a fair bit i wasn't necessarily gaining, in the short term. In a weird way, it reassured me that i could still probably eat a reasonable amount of food and lose some weight.

I went to GP's to get bloods done etc and get advice about exercise. Honestly - the nurse practitioner was brilliant. She told me to stop fixating on the number of lbs, precisely because it contributed to shame and embarrassment and probably only made the problem worse.

Since then i have lost 10lbs. Only a drop in the ocean to be fair, but already i feel taller. I worry from your posts that you are giving your DH too much 'power' and, really, it's not about him. I say this kindly, as someone who has walked your painful path and as now, miraculously, found some spirit, and is fighting back!

Best wishes OP!

I am a compulsive over-eater, and have been since I was about 14.
At my heaviest I was probably around 3 stone overweight. I'm not sure - I never weighed myself.
Now I am slim and people who have only known me that way are very surprised if I tell them I was ever overweight. (it was 20 years ago).
I'm not 'better', I'm just much, much better at managing it. So I exercise a fair bit, don't have anything I might binge on in the house, know what triggers to avoid in shops etc. So if I need to go to the corner shop for a pint of milk I take enough money for a pint of milk and no more. Never ever buy bulk stuff on offer if it's things I'd binge on. I do still eat chocolate but I am well aware that I will eat all of whatever there is in the house. So I buy one small bar then I'm done. Buy the kids easter eggs the day before so I don't eat them. Never buy biscuits, cakes etc.
I still slip up sometimes....buy a tub of ice cream and convince myself I'll make it last and come home and eat it all in the next half hour. But it's rarer and I do enough exercise and eat well enough the rest of the time for it to be okay.
Also avoid even starting on food as reward or comfort after a bad day etc and go for a walk or read a book.... Something to distract me.
It is possible for things to get better.