Obesity+binge eating=impossible marriage?

[Anon2018]

I love my husband and we’ve been together for over 10 years. We have two young children, a lovely house and jobs we are relatively happy in. We rarely argue, just gentle bickering and both contribute to the daily chores of life. When we met I was a healthy weight but did have a binge eating problem. He was aware of that problem a few years in. I gradually got bigger and couldn’t even lose weight for our wedding day. My weight is the only major issue in our relationship, and we have talked so many times of how we/I can sort it, something changes for a while and then after so long it’s all gone to pot and I’m bigger than I was when we had the conversation.

I don’t blame him, he is not shallow and I think it’s perfectly reasonable he should want a healthy wife who he wants to be intimate with. I am a hippo and I can’t blame him for wanting a more pleasant sight. I have come to realise though, that I will never be free of binge eating and I will be fat forever. I would love to change for him and our kids, it’s not fair on our family, but I just can’t give him false hope and ultimately disappoint him again. He deserves to have a woman who makes him happy and can satisfy him.

I suggested that we try a ‘parenting marriage’, so he can perhaps find someone else in the long term. It would kill me to think of him with someone else, I love him, but I also hate to think of him so unhappy because of me. He was mortified by this suggestion and said absolutely not, he is married to me and will remain that way. I’m just exhausted of disappointing him, he is still holding onto the hope that I might just get it together, exercise a bit and then miraculously stop binge eating but I finally know that it’s never going to happen. I feel awful because our relationship has got so far; he can’t just leave me guilt-free because of the kids but surely he’s just going to be more and more resentful as the years go by. I can’t stand the way he looks at me sometimes - I partly want to separate for my own selfish reason which is to not be reminded of how much I’ve let myself go.

How do we move forward?

I found the following is helping me in part (still a work in progress at the moment but so far so good!):

I made a list of all the times that I binged. For me it was when i was stressed. When I felt down. When I was angry. When I felt happy. As a treat for doing something. And for a rush to break my diet.

Then I wrote them all down and then added different things that would help and I could do instead. For example when I'm angry my list says instead of stuffing food I go do housework, when I'm stressed I go lie on my bed, light a nice smelling candle and relax and deep breaths for 20 minutes.

Between following that and planning my next day food and making sure I listen to my body and just eat when I'm hungry and what I fancy, I'm doing well so far. I guess it's finding what works for you

I wish you all the best OP. Your life sounds good and you have alot to be happy for, please don't push away your husband and think you deserve him to find someone else. You're far more than your weight

Congratulations @Pootlebug :) it's good to know there's ways to overcome binge eating and your post has inspired me.

Yes the last few posts are incredibly helpful and really inspiring!

Pootlebug - I have adopted a similar way to you before and it does work, I just haven’t stayed committed enough to being strict with myself. Since my post I haven’t binged, but it’s been really hard in the evenings. I think I have to accept that it’s always going to be hard (though I’m sure sometimes are easier than others) but what i mean is I need to get rid of the idea that I should be completely cured and never want to do it again. Because when that doesn’t happen I think ‘oh dear I’m still not better so I’m going to binge and that’s that’.

Thanks for all this continued encouragement

I think this is really key:

' I think I have to accept that it’s always going to be hard (though I’m sure sometimes are easier than others) but what i mean is I need to get rid of the idea that I should be completely cured and never want to do it again. Because when that doesn’t happen I think ‘oh dear I’m still not better so I’m going to binge and that’s that’

It took me a long time to get out of this mindset. Also small steps... I think it's not so much 'I won't binge today' as making the decision, repeatedly, not to do it right now. In many cases that means not starting eating at all.... I don't mean starving yourself, I just mean recognising the difference between eating a meal and binging. Don't start on food when you know in your heart of hearts you really want to binge.
Only eating at the table helps a bit. So does drinking a lot of herbal tea as a distraction I think.
Good luck! You can do it. You will fall off the wagon at times but that doesn't mean you can't get right back on.

Thank you. It is a bit of a mind field at first because stopping binging then goes into ‘so am i on a diet and trying to get healthy’ as well? And then if I restrict certain food groups I know to not be as healthy like bread and pasta etc it usually doesn’t end well.

I’m trying to make more subconscious choices - choosing fruit first without going into too much detail about depriving myself. If I follow any kind of guidelines or meal plans that seems to push me to falling off the wagon more quickly.

Perhaps just choosing things that are relatively healthy and that I enjoy would help as a starting point. How did you tackle the ‘what shall I eat today’ problem?

I would start with:

• all full fat food. It fills you up better so less incentive to snack. Proper butter, full fat Greek yoghurt, whole milk etc.
• nothing banned, though personally would avoid all 'diet' foods and drinks
• if you're going to eat something you might well binge on, have it as part of a meal and/or avoid the possibility of binging. So go to the shop and buy one small chocolate bar, eat it, done. If you're cooking just cook as much as you need and if you misjudge quantities put it straight in the bin if necessary.
• cook lots of veg or have plenty of salad with whatever you're eating

I think in some ways it's easier to make good decisions if you eat well as you start to feel so much better for it. But I always loved fruit and veg... Just have a problem with binging in crap too!

Not being in the trap/mindset of 'healthy', but just making the body and brain realise you have had enough of the food the body and brain needs: as well as the full fat food, and healthy oils, have lots of vegetables and a high protein food (fish, chicken, meat, tofu, quorn, cheese, nuts, hummus, pulses etc). Try to have some of this sort a mixture of these through the day, no matter what else you have as well. e.g what you do eat matters more than not eating xyz.

NB Do not go on a diet as such or count calories, and if you do have a binge try not to restrict yourself afterwards - carry on eating nice meals.

Some of elements of binge eating are set up by a. not eating in time b. the body having been starved of nutrients c purging through being sick, not eating, too much exercise.

Make yourself a list of treats/enjoyable alternatives.