Obesity+binge eating=impossible marriage?

[Anon2018]

I love my husband and we’ve been together for over 10 years. We have two young children, a lovely house and jobs we are relatively happy in. We rarely argue, just gentle bickering and both contribute to the daily chores of life. When we met I was a healthy weight but did have a binge eating problem. He was aware of that problem a few years in. I gradually got bigger and couldn’t even lose weight for our wedding day. My weight is the only major issue in our relationship, and we have talked so many times of how we/I can sort it, something changes for a while and then after so long it’s all gone to pot and I’m bigger than I was when we had the conversation.

I don’t blame him, he is not shallow and I think it’s perfectly reasonable he should want a healthy wife who he wants to be intimate with. I am a hippo and I can’t blame him for wanting a more pleasant sight. I have come to realise though, that I will never be free of binge eating and I will be fat forever. I would love to change for him and our kids, it’s not fair on our family, but I just can’t give him false hope and ultimately disappoint him again. He deserves to have a woman who makes him happy and can satisfy him.

I suggested that we try a ‘parenting marriage’, so he can perhaps find someone else in the long term. It would kill me to think of him with someone else, I love him, but I also hate to think of him so unhappy because of me. He was mortified by this suggestion and said absolutely not, he is married to me and will remain that way. I’m just exhausted of disappointing him, he is still holding onto the hope that I might just get it together, exercise a bit and then miraculously stop binge eating but I finally know that it’s never going to happen. I feel awful because our relationship has got so far; he can’t just leave me guilt-free because of the kids but surely he’s just going to be more and more resentful as the years go by. I can’t stand the way he looks at me sometimes - I partly want to separate for my own selfish reason which is to not be reminded of how much I’ve let myself go.

How do we move forward?

Have you had treatment for your eating disorder? I'm told that BED is actually very responsive to therapy

Hi thanks for responding. I’ve been the Doctors a couple of times. Once I was given antidepressants with disasterous results so it really put me off, the second time they told me about a charity group that met once a week. I went along and they were lovely, but it wasn’t therapy just chatting every week about how difficult it was. I tried using CBT and other self help books but none of it has come through for me. If anyone has been successful I’d love to know.

you say "hippo" - how large are we talking?

According to the nhs bmi calculator I am in the morbidly obese range.

Cbt with a therapist who you actually trust and like is probably the only way to make real changes. Problem is finding the right therapist as people don't talk about it much IRL so hard to get a recommendation. Gp could refer you to NHS cbt perhaps?

Sounds like you love your husband and he loves you so you will get through this! And it doesn't actually matter what size you are as much as it matters that you're both happy and happy in the relationship.

Try and get a referral to your community dietician.

A friend of mine told me that what got her to lose the weight...was her GP saying she wouldn't live to see her children grow up if she didn't reduce her weight.

She was about 6 stones overweight.

Best the ed charity have a therapist finder - the investment in your marriage and health should be worth the expense of private therapy?

A lot of people are successful, OP. But it's not easy to change.

So sorry to read this op, I can sympathise with you. I was 5st over weight, yo-yo dieted and gave up giving up. I am a binge eater. I had all therapies, even medication. I had a gastric band last July as a last resort and I am finally free of binging, I physically cannot over eat. I’m not saying or suggesting you do that, but for me it saved me. Have you tried the gastric band hypnotherapy dvd? I had some limited success with that and it helped be be more mindful of my eating habits. It would be a shame to give up on your future happiness for the sake of your weight/food issues. I don’t think some people realise how hard it is to get over food. Thinking of you x

OP, I understand you say you have already gone to your GP, which is good but often despite it being a recognised disorder support is not great.

It also sounds like many of your marital problems may be linked to your poor self esteem which is understandable problem with BED .

Have you been in touch with Beat, an eating disorder organisation with an advice helpline.
www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/
www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/types/binge-eating-disorder

There are also multiple facebook support groups which may help, just type binge eating disorder into the search bar if you have fb (altho they can make things worse so its a judgement call)

What I would also firstly and I want to be clear that different things work for different people.
There is a common held view that you must solve "the root cause" of why you binge before it will stop.
However there is a growing trend towards a thinking that you do not need to do this

Please read these books or see the websites,
(do not be put off by bulimia in any of the titles, binge eating disorder is bulimia without purging)

Brain over Binge www.brainoverbinge.com/

Bulimia Help method = www.heal-ed.com/

They also do one to one or group recovery coaching via skype/phone and have lots of youtube videos of them talking about their approach if you go onto youtube and type them into the search bar. Lots of success stories from their methods.

There are also some long running binge eating disorder threads with support and advice in the eating disorder section of mumsnet

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/eating_disorders/2354540-Binge-Eating-Disorder-Support-3

Please do not give up hope. Recovery is possible.

As PPs have said. Referrals to CBT psychotherapist plus NHS Dietician (or go private).
Ask GP for appetite suppressants. If GP refuses, tell her you'll order them online otherwise but would prefer them prescribed. Please emphasize your desperation and how it's affecting your marriage/emotional health. If no luck, try a different GP.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, it’s really appreciated.

user1477054316 - thank you especially as it’s always reassuring to hear from those having been through it. I did look up gastric band surgery but I’ve heard about people gradually putting the weight back on and worried that would be me!!

I am feeling so low and depressed so it feels extra difficult at the moment to metaphorically slap myself in the face and say come on! I just feel like I’m so far gone now there isn’t any fight left in me.

Straycatblue - thank you for all that information! I will have a look through. I had the brain over binge book and that was the most helpful thing I have come close to. Perhaps need to revisit.

Lifeisabeach09 - I didn’t know suppressants really existed. Maybe I’ll pluck up the courage to take another trip to the GP.

I think you really need to put dieting and weight issues to one side for a little bit and work on trying to build up your self esteem and work on making you happier. I personally find that my binge eating is linked very heavily to my mood. Science even shows that the more stressed you are the more you crave sugar and junk food. Ask your husband to give you a break and try and get your head in a better place. To successfully lose weight you really need to be in a positive mindset because it is stupidly hard! xx

I went to Overeaters Anonymous meetings for two years. There are lots of forms of online support, too.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't have relationship advice, but the best reason to lose the weight is for yourself. The long term consequences of not doing so are scary. You've gotten great advice already. These are the things that helped me:

A book that I've found helpful is "Beck Diet Solution" by Judith Beck. It is basically do it yourself CBT for overeating.

Have you tried a diet with a support group -- such as weight watchers or slimming world? I've found that I really need the IRL support and accountability.

I also had some food allergy testing done that identified foods that I'm sensitive too. This was a blood test and not every one agrees that it is scientifically proven. However, when I avoid all the foods that the test identified, I am much, much better able to control my eating.

For me, the combination of the testing, being in a support group (I use WW), and also working through Beck Diet Solution has helped me transform my body and my health.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't have relationship advice, but the best reason to lose the weight is for yourself. The long term consequences of not doing so are scary. You've gotten great advice already. These are the things that helped me:

A book that I've found helpful is "Beck Diet Solution" by Judith Beck. It is basically do it yourself CBT for overeating.

Have you tried a diet with a support group -- such as weight watchers or slimming world? I've found that I really need the IRL support and accountability.

I also had some food allergy testing done that identified foods that I'm sensitive too. This was a blood test and not every one agrees that it is scientifically proven. However, when I avoid all the foods that the test identified, I am much, much better able to control my eating.

For me, the combination of the testing, being in a support group (I use WW), and also working through Beck Diet Solution has helped me transform my body and my health.

Thanks HipNewName.

I hadn’t heard of that book, I’ll give it a go. I tried Slimming World for a bit but was utterly useless at it. I’ve thought about trying again but because of my husband’s shift work and having no one to look after the kids I can’t make the weekly meetings.

Not that that’s my excuse for not losing weight

Previous posters have given lots of really brilliant advice.

I just wanted to add that I too have had gastric band surgery. Its not been plain sailing and I have side effects (heartburn/GERD) and I am still a stone overweight but I have went from bmi 40 to bmi 27. Its been a long road but I simply cannot binge. I used to eat a whole large dominos pizza plus tub of ice cream and then ramsack the cupboards. I now can control my portions and cannot possibly gain weight unless I got my band emptied.

I am 5 years down the line. Its not a magic fix. I struggled managing my emotions and sometimes resorted to other addictive behaviours at times. But over time I have gradually learnt healthy coping skills which to be honest has been so much easier now I have some self esteem and confidence back.

Good luck whatever route you take x

Bariatric surgery? Hypnosis? Therapy?

Have you exhausted the options or just given up when a bit of solo dieting didn’t work?

I see you have tried alternatives, and I didn’t mean my above post to come across in the tone it has when I’ve read back, sorry about that.

lol PPs have said I would go back to your GP, don’t let a few bad experiences knock you back. Diagnosis and treatment is very individual, hopefully you’ll get there eventually xx

As* not lol, Jesus

I had gastric bypass 2.3 years ago and have dropped from 23 stone to 13 stone. It is more widely recommended on the NHS than banding, especially for heavier patients.

If you are in morbidly obese territory you can ask for a referral from your GP. It's a long process to get approved however if you've been referred for weight problems before to a dietician or other weight loss treatments it's possible to skip that step. (I'd been put on Orlistat previously and seen dietician so was able to go straight to stage 2.)

It's a massive life change and you'll spend the first 6 months throwing up at least once a day until you learn what you can tolerate. You MUST come up with other coping mechanisms than binge eating during this stage because yes it's possible to return to your food addiction and end up stretching your pouch.

It's not easy losing weight otherwise we'd all be slim.

The best way of losing weight ive found is to prep. Write down a menu for the week and make sure that you prep the day before so that when you're hungry you're eating what you should be eating and will be satisfied. If you're satisfied you're less likely to snack and binge eat. Don't make them super low fat or low carb extreme. Make normal satisfying dishes and do put a lot of veg in to fill you up. Also make sure that you've scheduled in snacks and do it gradually. Have a cheat day once a week. Exercise doesn't have to be classes. Get a fitbit and a goal of a certain amount of steps a day. You can do that by going on walks, having a good cleaning session, dancing with the kids etc. At weekends organise family bike rides, or hikes or whatever but that gets you out of the house and feeling energised. Bring a bag of fruit and water and a packed lunch. Treat yourself with really tasty treats that are nutritionally dense. Make a really nice smoothie with passion fruit etc. Have smoked salmon, prawns etc (or whatever you consider tasty). Look up healthier versions of family favourites and fakeaways - they're usually actually tastier.

Get a planner, chuck out all temptations in your cupboard and only buy them for the kids when you're out and about. And prep. Prep is the key.

Have you heard of 12 step for food addiction. There's FA (Food Addicts Anonymous). I went and it changed my bloody life.

FA teaches that food addicts are addicted to flour, sugar and quantities. If I eat eg sugar the addiction takes off alarmingly quickly - it's shocking, I can't stop, it's impossible to stop. It is like an alcoholic with alcohol: it's that first bite that is the problem, if I don't take that first bite I have more than a chance.

In FA you weigh your food. May sound extreme but it so is not if you're like me. It's second nature to me now and actually it's such a wonderful release to not have to guess how much I'm supposed to be eating.

I thank God for FA. It has saved my life. I lost 4 stone, my friend lost 9, and it's stayed off - 2 years for me so far. Neither of us thought we would ever ever be able to do that but we have, a day at a time.

You are in the best place bcs you now know you're powerless over food. It is excruciating to face that and you have. Well done.

FA