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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I accept I’ll never be told why?

101 replies

CleanerhousekeeperPA · 15/01/2018 08:33

Together 11 years. Last time we were together we had some proper ‘from the belly’ laughs & we even joked about whether we’d still be like this in another 10 years time.

All was fine when I was at his place. As I
left, pulled me in for a kiss & hug & I told him I’d see him soon, all was good. No negative body language, nothing for me to pick up on.

A few days later I asked him on text if we could see each other before the next arranged date to which he replied yep. I asked him to send dates over along with (ahem Blush) 2 videos of himself that he owed me. He suggested that if I send pictures of my boobs (his favourite part of me) he would reciprocate.

He clearly had no intention of reciprocating. After 6 days of silence (spoke many times daily) I texted to him that I guess no answer is my answer.

His reply eventually basically was that I should fuck off Confused

I emailed that as he obviously despises me I would appreciate him deleting the pictures of me that he has on his phone. He ignored so a week later I forwarded on the same message- also ignored.

He also owes me some money, I gave him my details twice so he could BACS it to me. Hasn’t been done.

How could I have died with no explanation? Really struggling with him not confirming that he’d rather dump me after 11 years with no emotion than admit he won’t return the gesture of his own damn idea. Angry

He has blocked me on Whatsapp since telling me to go away as well.

How do I NOT take this personally?

It has become all-consuming & my head is spinning with the last time I saw him with nothing but fun.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 15/01/2018 08:37

That sounds really odd.

bluebell34567 · 15/01/2018 08:41

maybe somebody else got hold of the phone and messaging you.

peachypetite · 15/01/2018 08:42

You've been dating for 11 years?

CrazyExIngenue · 15/01/2018 08:44

This is after 11 years together? Confused

princesspeach21 · 15/01/2018 08:45

Can you go to his house and confront him?

spiderbear · 15/01/2018 08:46

That's not normal behaviour - even from a bloke. Not after being with someone for 11 years??

DenPerry · 15/01/2018 08:46

11 years!? This sounds like 11 months/weeks? Shitty behaviour in both cases but if you've been together 11 years then that is a shocking way to break up with someone.

Leilaniiii · 15/01/2018 08:48

Did you mean 11 weeks OP? Also, sorry to ask, but is he married?

ShatnersWig · 15/01/2018 08:49

Two questions:

a) who dates someone for 11 years?
b) if you didn't live with him and haven't seen him for a while, who is the "we" you were talking about on another thread when you said "we" were only talking about the same thing yesterday?

BitOutOfPractice · 15/01/2018 08:50

What seems odd to me is that after 11 years you’re still arranging dates. I’m not quite sure how to explain what I mean. I think I’m trying to say that after 11 years are together I’d expect it to be more organic, even if you don’t live together.

Just saying “fuck off” like that is also odd.

TheDeuteragonist · 15/01/2018 08:51

11 years?

Is it a long distance thing? Or just mutually decided that this is how you wanted your relationship to be?

If you're not living together it could be that he's had an affair and doesn't have the balls to face you so has attempted to ghost you instead.

Really shitty behaviour if you have been together that long.

PipGirl404 · 15/01/2018 08:51

11 weeks surely? This is so random?

ALittleBitConfused1 · 15/01/2018 08:52

I'm sorry ok, this must be awful. I'm been through something similar after 6 years. I came home and he's moved out, no note, no text no conversation. The no closure nearly drove me mad, but we hadn't been getting on and I realise now, looking back (which I never do anymore because it just doesn't bother me now) that it had been over for some time.
Can I ask, had you been in a relationship for 11 years or had you just known him for that long.
It seems strange that after 11 years you didn't live together, did you talk about things like, living together, getting married, having kids for example?
I understand not everyone wants these things but the way you explain arranging dates and texting doesn't really fit with a relationship of that length.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 15/01/2018 08:55

How old are you?

Polarbear46 · 15/01/2018 08:56

eh? 11 years together and you dont live together and you're still dating?

I dont get it?

whiskyowl · 15/01/2018 09:10

I may be putting 2 and 2 together here and making 5, but is your relationship a long-term affair? If so, perhaps his family have found out.

Otherwise, it sounds like there has been some sort of misunderstanding, or a radical change in circumstances.

rookiemere · 15/01/2018 09:11

Do you have any mutual friends that you could talk to about it?

Original poster
CleanerhousekeeperPA · 15/01/2018 09:16

Shatner, I am genuinely asking for a friend. I realise that makes me sound 12 but I copied & pasted what she wrote to me & I didn’t have an obvious answer which she so clearly needs. She knows I have posted on here. I care, I didn’t set out to mislead anyone.

I have only met him once so am not in a position to advise, hence my posting on here. Maybe the ‘once only’ was a giveaway?

They are both 42. He would never take it further. Yep, it was 11 years.

OP posts:
SuperBeagle · 15/01/2018 09:17

11 years?

That can't be right.

Angelf1sh · 15/01/2018 09:20

This sounds like you’re the Ow op, is that right? It’s hard to otherwise understand how you could have been together for 11 years and still only be dating.

Anyway, to answer your question, you just have to accept it. If he’s blocked you on everything then you can’t message him. If you are the OW then you can’t go round there. If you’re not the OW then you still might not want to go (I’m not sure if wsmt to see him again in your position). So if you can’t see him or speak to him or message him then you can’t ask him why. You also can’t assume he’ll volunteer it. You need to just go cold turkey and cut him out.

Depending on how much money it is, I’d either write it off or tell the police.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/01/2018 09:21

Now that’s completely unbelievable op Confused

Aspergallus · 15/01/2018 09:23

I would assume he is married/ in another relationship and something spooked him that he was going to get caught...e.g. That the videos were wanted for evidence perhaps?

I don't believe there were as few problems as your friend suggests though. Still having to agree dates at 11 years, how quick she was to say "as you obviously despise me" which seems kind of extreme...

ShatnersWig · 15/01/2018 09:24

I think how this relationship of your friend's ended is actually immaterial. I'd be more concerned why someone of 42 would be happy to accept dating someone for 11 years without it progressing to anything more and why she would be wanting him to send intimate videos of himself.

ShatnersWig · 15/01/2018 09:25

I'd also have thought a friend would rung and discussed something so incredibly upsetting to them, rather than sending an email like that which you have copied and pasted

MoreCheerfulMonica · 15/01/2018 09:25

Even for your friend, the fact that after 11 years they were still at the stage of arranging dates suggests that there was something rather limited (there must be a better word but I can't think of it) about the relationship and her ex's behaviour is a symptom of that.