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Original poster

How do I accept I’ll never be told why?

101 replies

CleanerhousekeeperPA · 15/01/2018 08:33

Together 11 years. Last time we were together we had some proper ‘from the belly’ laughs & we even joked about whether we’d still be like this in another 10 years time.

All was fine when I was at his place. As I
left, pulled me in for a kiss & hug & I told him I’d see him soon, all was good. No negative body language, nothing for me to pick up on.

A few days later I asked him on text if we could see each other before the next arranged date to which he replied yep. I asked him to send dates over along with (ahem Blush) 2 videos of himself that he owed me. He suggested that if I send pictures of my boobs (his favourite part of me) he would reciprocate.

He clearly had no intention of reciprocating. After 6 days of silence (spoke many times daily) I texted to him that I guess no answer is my answer.

His reply eventually basically was that I should fuck off Confused

I emailed that as he obviously despises me I would appreciate him deleting the pictures of me that he has on his phone. He ignored so a week later I forwarded on the same message- also ignored.

He also owes me some money, I gave him my details twice so he could BACS it to me. Hasn’t been done.

How could I have died with no explanation? Really struggling with him not confirming that he’d rather dump me after 11 years with no emotion than admit he won’t return the gesture of his own damn idea. Angry

He has blocked me on Whatsapp since telling me to go away as well.

How do I NOT take this personally?

It has become all-consuming & my head is spinning with the last time I saw him with nothing but fun.

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 15/01/2018 10:26

Flowers for your friend, she's wasted 11 years of her life. I gently suggest you support your friend to let go and forget about this man and move on.

Angelf1sh · 15/01/2018 10:27

If she’s only been to his house 8 or 9 times in 11 years and still has to fix very specific date nights, those are some massive red flags she’s missed. Either she is an unwitting ow or she’s ignored that he just sees her as a fwb partner. Nothing else makes sense. She’d do well to work on her self esteem as it must be pretty low to have allowed that to continue for so long. Hopefully she’ll eventually see that he’s been stringing her along throughout and this wasn’t really that out of the blue and she’s better off without him.

gamerchick · 15/01/2018 10:27

8 or 9 times in 11 years? Confused she was OW OP just be a friend to her.

Flowerpot1234 · 15/01/2018 10:27

That doesn’t guarantee she wasn’t the OW I guess.
I don’t want her to be thought of as the OW. She didn’t deserve that.

If she's the OW, she deserves to be thought of as the OW. With everything that comes with it.

PompholyxOfUnknownOrigin · 15/01/2018 10:28

She may have been the OW without realising it. In her position I would be hiring a private investigator to find out.

Angelf1sh · 15/01/2018 10:29

^flowerpot, not if she genuinely didn’t know (after 11years I accept is unlikely but it’s what we’re being told)

NurseButtercup · 15/01/2018 10:32

In her position I would be hiring a private investigator to find out.

Op's friend would be better off spending that money on a holiday to help get over him or therapy sessions.

Original poster
CleanerhousekeeperPA · 15/01/2018 10:33

If she was the OW she categorically would have ended it. I knkw that. She knows she would have lost me as a friend if it got found out. She & go back decades, she knows my past & how I feel about affairs.

Sorry Flowerpot, I didn’t mean anything in that. I just meant that it would have been great to have seen her in a longterm stable committed relationship as opposed to having what an OW would have ie foboffs & dishonesy. I hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
Polarbear46 · 15/01/2018 10:39

OP, this is not a relationship. This has never been a relationship. This is a perverse arrangement. A fantasy. Probably an affair

I honestly have to agree.

OP no-one is saying she knows she is an OW intentionally.

Shes been to his 8/9 times in 11 years. Do you/she REALLY thing there hasnt been anyone else?

Polarbear46 · 15/01/2018 10:39

*think

Flowerpot1234 · 15/01/2018 10:40

OP, there are enough red flags here to fill a communist state. Your friend has either been lying to you (and deliberately ensuring you only met her "partner" once in 11 years...), deluding herself, or she is mentally ill or has extremely low IQ.

Nobody even on a basic level of intelligence and emotional and mental health chooses to be in a relationship where you arrange dates 11 years in, only visits their partner's home on average once every year and a half, and introduces their long term partner to their friends once in 11 years.

11 years. Whatever has been going on, it has never been a relationship. Get her to a therapist or psychiatrist.

NurseButtercup · 15/01/2018 10:43

there are enough red flags here to fill a communist state.

😂😁

Cricrichan · 15/01/2018 10:46

Op she has got to have been the ow, she just didn't tell you. Does she have children or does she want them? Otherwise that's a hell of a wasted time. After 11 years you shouldn't have to arrange a date, committed relationship or otherwise, unless he has to fit it around his wife or partner.

MorrisZapp · 15/01/2018 10:46

Can we calm down with the private investigator chat. If she is truly in the dark then some very basic questions, observations and searches will quickly give her the answers she seeks.

Why pay Magnum PI when she can ask his colleagues or family members, or indeed watch his movements herself.

ShatnersWig · 15/01/2018 10:49

She knows she would have lost me as a friend if it got found out. She & go back decades, she knows my past & how I feel about affairs.

That's precisely why she's never told you she's the OW. Or somehow she's convinced herself she's not the OW or that, odd though this relationship is, there isn't anyone else. Which of course there is.

there are enough red flags here to fill a communist state

Wins the internet for today.

PastaOfMuppets · 15/01/2018 10:59

OP, what do you think about your friend's 'relationship'? Does it sound normal to you for someone to have only been to their DP's house less than once a year across 11 years? Would you normally expect to meet a friend's DP once in 11 years? Do you really believe this?

Isetan · 15/01/2018 11:09

Is there a reason why most of their contact has been via the telephone after 11 years? The truth is, she didn't know him as well as she thought she did, particularly if he was able to carpentalise their relationship for so long. She got a version of him that existed in a bubble, God only knows what changed for him but he clearly isn't in the market for honesty and kindness.

I'm sure there's a lot to their dynamic that even you aren't aware of and so the generic 'coping with s break up advice' will have to suffice. Take time to grieve and then distraction.

Mycashybear · 15/01/2018 11:16

there are enough red flags here to fill a communist state

That made me laugh 😂

OP definitely sounds a bit weird. And a lot like there is more going on. To be basically told to fuck off and blocked sounds like someone else has got the phone and is dealing with this. Which makes it more and more likely that she was the OW whether she knew it or not.

Solly76 · 15/01/2018 12:11

That is awful but I agree with others that there must be more to this.

It is possible to be the OW and not know, happened to me (for a few months until I cottoned on) but not for anywhere near 11 years - normally you would have suspicions after a few months. If your friend was the OW then his wife/partner has found out and has either taken control of his social media and messaging or has told him what to say.

Or he's a very nasty piece of work and never saw the relationship as more than fwb and has now moved on and ghosted her. Cruel, but it happens, though after 11 years it seems very discourteous to not at least tell her that it was over. Your friend will not see that money, I hope it wasn't a significant amount

Clearly your friend saw this 'relationship ' as far more than he ever did. 11 years of this is very sad. After 11 years it was never going to become serious. I hope your friend moves on from this.

Notgrownup · 15/01/2018 13:39

Did you say he owes her money?
How much?

Lifechallenges · 15/01/2018 16:27

I dont think she even went to his real house. I suspect he had a mate whose house he borrowed occasionally. I also suspect its the wife who has the phone. I know two people caught out by this kind of thing - it does happen, but not usually for a whole 11 years as people wise up

ReanimatedSGB · 15/01/2018 16:52

I can see quite easily how a woman with fairly low expectatiions could be an unwitting OW for that long. He'll have had all sorts of justifications - the house is being redecorated, he's got to work late, the boiler's broken, it's more 'romantic' to go away for the weekend or whatever. If she asked, he could have done big puppy dog eyes and 'honestly, darling, how could you think such a terrible thing?'
And she could have believed it, because she really wanted to believe that he loved her and some day soon they'd be able to move the relationship along.
He does sound like a bit of a shit, but the only thing she can do is let go and move on. Anything else would just destroy what's left of her self-respect.

DrMorbius · 15/01/2018 17:36

Reading this post could very easily have wasted 5 minutes of my life, but it was rescued by Flowerpot.

there are enough red flags here to fill a communist state internet quote of the day GrinGrinGrin

11 years and still phoning/texting to arrange dates........my arse Biscuit

SpiritedLondon · 15/01/2018 18:44

Any reason why she can’t go to the address and knock on the door? I wouldn’t bother if it was a couple of months but 11 years is longer than some marriages last so if it is as she’s described in her OP she deserves some kind of explanation. I think if the door is answered by someone else ( ie a woman) she might feel prudent to have a cover story ready ( or not depending on how bold she’s feeling).

TonbridgeTammy · 15/01/2018 18:53

Sounds like he's married and his wife has found out