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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I accept I’ll never be told why?

101 replies

CleanerhousekeeperPA · 15/01/2018 08:33

Together 11 years. Last time we were together we had some proper ‘from the belly’ laughs & we even joked about whether we’d still be like this in another 10 years time.

All was fine when I was at his place. As I
left, pulled me in for a kiss & hug & I told him I’d see him soon, all was good. No negative body language, nothing for me to pick up on.

A few days later I asked him on text if we could see each other before the next arranged date to which he replied yep. I asked him to send dates over along with (ahem Blush) 2 videos of himself that he owed me. He suggested that if I send pictures of my boobs (his favourite part of me) he would reciprocate.

He clearly had no intention of reciprocating. After 6 days of silence (spoke many times daily) I texted to him that I guess no answer is my answer.

His reply eventually basically was that I should fuck off Confused

I emailed that as he obviously despises me I would appreciate him deleting the pictures of me that he has on his phone. He ignored so a week later I forwarded on the same message- also ignored.

He also owes me some money, I gave him my details twice so he could BACS it to me. Hasn’t been done.

How could I have died with no explanation? Really struggling with him not confirming that he’d rather dump me after 11 years with no emotion than admit he won’t return the gesture of his own damn idea. Angry

He has blocked me on Whatsapp since telling me to go away as well.

How do I NOT take this personally?

It has become all-consuming & my head is spinning with the last time I saw him with nothing but fun.

OP posts:
SlowlyShrinking · 15/01/2018 09:26

Does your friend know where he lives?

MorrisZapp · 15/01/2018 09:28

They've had eleven years of casual, sex based dating. I'm no expert but in the modern world, ghosting is apparently standard practice at that stage.

Angelf1sh · 15/01/2018 09:29

If your friend wasn’t the OW then it makes no sense at all that she put up with a stalled relationship for 11 years. Frankly she should look on it that he’s done her a favour as she needs to move on to an actual adult relationship.

Angelf1sh · 15/01/2018 09:33

It really does sound more like a long-term fwb scenario than a real relationship. Also, I agree with a pp that there must be more to it than a few days of silence as no way would she have jumped straight to “you obviously despise me” from that. Especially in a relationship which seems to not have constant interactions anyway (if you have to been given specific dates where you can see someone then this is not the kind of relationship where you talk everyday).

Original poster
CleanerhousekeeperPA · 15/01/2018 09:34

It’s most definitely not me. I grew up in a dysfunctional home & have experienced the damage affairs create. I myself am having counselling because of it. I wouldn’t & couldn’t inflict any upset to anyone.

I only posted because I genuinely am stuck as to how to try & help my friend out, I didn’t expect this.

Rookie, our mutual friends & I only met him once so we’re all stuck on this.

Confused, sorry you went through this Flowers

Whiskey, I told her it sounded like a sudden knee-jerk reaction to something & that’s when she lost it. Quite understandbly she said she is worth more than that.

I am upset that this has taken the turn it has so will bow out now.

OP posts:
tillytown · 15/01/2018 09:35

Were they friends with benefits? Maybe he met someone he wants to try a relationship with? Blocking her was nasty, but at least now she can find someone else

ReanimatedSGB · 15/01/2018 09:40

Presumably if it was FWB for 11 years she was happy enough with the set up. (Yes, maybe he is married - some affairs do go on for a very long time). Or maybe she has very low self-esteem and accepted being strung along for that length of time.
Either way, she's been dumped, and the only thing for her to do is move on. Can you meet up with her, go on some fun outings or whatever? Nothing to do with dating or 'meeting someone new' for a while but things that are enjoyable in themselves.

BluePheasant · 15/01/2018 09:40

He’s married and been found out.

ProfessionalPirate · 15/01/2018 09:43

If that was a copy and paste, how come it contains mumsnet-specific smileys?

Bluntness100 · 15/01/2018 09:47

Most bizarre thread of the day.

Tell her to move on. Dumped after 11 years with a text saying fuck off then blocking, surely the obvious answer is forget the idiot and move on.

Lifechallenges · 15/01/2018 09:53

It was a long term affair and the has given him an ultimatum. Shes been discarded

Original poster
CleanerhousekeeperPA · 15/01/2018 09:53

I’ll answer the questions in the hope this thread can turn around & help her.

I am a very longterm poster (MNHQ can confirm it’s been 7 yrs + ) & put the MN smileys on to show the emotion she relayed to me. I cut & copied most of the text and edited a lot of her bad language!(hence the smileys) I didn’t want to miss out any info or dripfeed you so C&P’d it, there’s nothing sinister about it.

She emailed me because she was unable to talk verbally at the time & was desperate for some help with this.

It’s hard for me because I obviously want her to stop hurting but as I only met him once, that’s not really helping.

Thankyou to those that haven’t been assuming & judgemental.

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 15/01/2018 09:59

So, let me get this straight.

You're posting on behalf of a friend.
This friend has been having an affair for 11 years, which has ended suddenly.

Correct?

bigtissue · 15/01/2018 10:01

It sounds to me like the guy is in another relationship which became more serious just before the six days of silence. He couldn't be bothered to end it face to face and never intended paying back the money. This happened to me in a very similar way and I'll bet your friend is vv angry.

SparklyMagpie · 15/01/2018 10:02

It's got to have been an affair then

I don't get why your friend was happy to be in an 11 year "relationship" where it didn't progress other than dates and sexual videos etc

As for advice I've no idea really other than she doesn't really have any option that to just try and move on

Flowerpot1234 · 15/01/2018 10:08
Confused OP, has this friend been having an affair with a married man for 11 years? How is it that you and other friends have only met this man once in 11 years?
ohtheholidays · 15/01/2018 10:11

Could she not go to his house OP?

It sounds very strange,I agree with PP maybe he is already married or in another relationship and the Fuck Off wasn't from him but his wife/partner when they'd picked up his phone and read the message.

gamerchick · 15/01/2018 10:14

Does she know where he lives?

OP you’re not answering any questions. If you could then collectively people may be able to figure out what’s going on.

At the minute the assumption is that she’s the OW and he’s been found out.

Angelf1sh · 15/01/2018 10:15

Nobody is being judgmental op, we’re just trying to make sense of the situation. Despite it being a long-term relationship, it appears not to have been a very deep one, at least not for him.

The reality is, regardless of the nature of the relationship, he’s shown his true colours and she has to accept that she’ll never get closure because that’s not how life works. She can spend the next 11 year analysis every microexpression and verb from their last date or she can let it go. That’s all we can ever really do. She must be in a lot of pain after 11 years so I do feel for her, but nobody can tell her why he did this and nobody can pull herself together for her. Block, delete, detach, move on.

Angelf1sh · 15/01/2018 10:15

*years analysing

GeekyWombat · 15/01/2018 10:21

I think if he hasn’t met you and her other friends more than once in 11 years there’s definitely more to this and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a second family / double life / marriage type scenario. Did your friend think she was the other woman?

Original poster
CleanerhousekeeperPA · 15/01/2018 10:22

Thankyou.

She has been to his house I think about 8 or 9 times. No evidence of partner apparently.

She has never used the word ‘affair’ on the basis she has seen/heard nothing to suggest otherwise. She’s usually so good at picking up on peoples’ signs, this is what has thrown her into such a mess.

OP posts:
joystir59 · 15/01/2018 10:24

They never were in a relationship as far as the guy was concerned

Original poster
CleanerhousekeeperPA · 15/01/2018 10:25

They spoke on the phone a lot, even when she & I were together, at random times of day, mostly spontaneous as I have seen. That doesn’t guarantee she wasn’t the OW I guess.

I don’t want her to be thought of as the OW. She didn’t deserve that.

OP posts:
Flowerpot1234 · 15/01/2018 10:26

OP, your friend has been to her partner's house 8 or 9 times in 11 years.
She has introduced her partner of 11 years just once to her friends.

OP, this is not a relationship. This has never been a relationship. This is a perverse arrangement. A fantasy. Probably an affair.

It has been screwed up from start to finish. The only advice your friend needs is to get over her perverse fantasy, ensure this man never enters her life again, and see a therapist.