I don't think my husband is happy anymore.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Tonight me and DH have had a bit of a row which escalated from something of nothing really.

Set up is that we've been married for almost 5 years, have a 3.5yr old and a 4 month old baby.

Relationship is under the usual strain that relationships are when a new baby is on the scene but in general I thought things were ok and it's just a case of waiting for normal life to resume when the 'new baby' passed.

However, tonight DH has said he doesn't feel like part of the family and that he's just "a body".

He kept saying, "What is it exactly that I do in this family?"

He said all his life consists of is going to work, coming home and looking after the children for a bit and then going to bed and that it's the same every day. He said this is the course of life we've chosen and how it is is how it will always be.

He said something about no longer feeling like he's in a relationship and that he just a 'bit' that brings in the money and that's his life.

He was barely looking at me during the argument and he just seemed exasperated by me because I was asking him more about how he was feeling.

He said a few other things but the general gist was that he wasn't happy with our life as a family. He made me feel as though he saw me and our children as a burden.

I ended up in tears, I told him I was upset to hear him saying these things but there was no reassurance from him. It really felt like he just didn't care anymore.

I could hear the 3 year old crying because he could hear us arguing and it broke my heart. I went and saw to him and then returned to DH but he just kept saying the same things and I felt like he just saw me as an irritant because I wanted to talk to him.

He said, "I don't want to talk about this now."

I said it wasn't fair that he would say all this stuff to me out of the blue and then shut me down by saying he didn't want to talk about it.

I ended up in tears again and just walked out. I'm now sitting in the bedroom, with the baby over my shoulder, feeling like shit and scared for my marriage.

Mmm I'm sure some others will leave some wise advise - however, my thoughts were has he been going out more, or staying at work later, wearing more aftershave, have you noticed if he is being odd with his phone? Does he talk about a particular female colleague? Other thought I had he could simply just be depressed

Maybe he’s frustrated of this routine because it’s so hard in the beginning and it feels like Groundhog Day? Maybe he’s worried you won’t evef have time for each other? Did you go out just the two of you pre this baby and he’s missing it?
Is your eldest a mummy’s boy? If so, maybe he feels a bit pushed out as you will also be baby’s number one too?

I am so sorry. A lot of what your husband is saying was what my ex used to say. The last thing I want to do is upset you more but if I were you I would do a little snooping. I’m not suggesting it points to an affair- but because it looks like he has detached from the family you need to rule it out. I know exactly how heartbroken you feel with regards to the children. I’m sure you know there will be no quick fix but you’ll need to get to the bottom of it

Please ignore the "I call affair" brigade. He's vented his feelings (they may be unreasonable I should add) but it's hard at this stage with such young ones. I hope you're okay as it sounds like a dreadful day for you but it's not uncommon when you've got small children xxxx

He's definitely not having an affair.

Yes our oldest is a bit of a mummy's boy but he and my DH do things just the two of them all the time. They have far more fun together than DS has with me!!

It really has come completely out of the blue.

Yes life is like Groundhog Day, so is my life, but that's just part of having young children. It is hard and tiring and repetitive but that's just how it is sometimes. I kept asking him what he wanted from his life if he wasn't happy with the one he had and then he'd say "Did I say I wasn't happy?!" despite the fact he'd displayed unhappiness in nearly everything he had been saying.

Well life with young children can be pretty mundane. I know I felt similar at that stage. It does get easier as the kids grow up though. Does he have any hobbies that get him out of the house? What do you do at weekends?

At the weekends we tend to just potter about doing normal things, going on to town, seeing family, doing things with the children etc. It's nothing exciting but it's normal family life.

He's very into his sports so every weekend, be it a Saturday or Sunday he will go and watch a game of rugby or football.

So he does have time out then.

I think it's a common enough feeling and doesn't necessarily reflect on your marriage.

Had exactly the same: two demanding kids under 4 and a husband who was angry and felt neglected and just valued for his monetary contribution .
A few years on and we are now technically "equal" and sharing chores etc.. due to lifestyle changes.
I think I now feel that it was unjustified anger and whilst I didn't feel strong enough at the time to defend the value of what I was doing, I do try to call it out now. And I point out a lot of the stuff I still do.
Many of my friends also feel that they faced anger rather than appreciation when they refocused on kids vs husband. Maybe it is normal. I think I will try to watch for it in my son and discuss it with my daughter. I feel sad that it tainted some of the early days. Sad also that he didn't see that I was barely coping with the situation, not choosing to be a milk sodden wreck with two small super clingy kids who wouldn't sleep. It is one factor in stopping at two kids and why our larger-than-planned gap was probably a good thing.

Tell him " I love you so much, I'm so sad to hear how you're feeling. I want so much for you to feel happy and a crucial part of this family. What can we do to make that happen. Do you want more one on one time with DC? Do you want more one on one time with me? Do you want more fun time with all of us? We might not be able to action these things immediately with a 4 month old but we can put some plans in place. Or do you want some things planned that are beyond the ordinary - days out or holidays or travelling to see friends. Let's do something concrete to address how you're feeling because you are important in this family and you should feel that way."

Then see what he says.

And good luck. We went for group couple Counselling (not religious but local church ran convenient ones) once 2nd could be left with babysitter every Sunday. My Friend said first six months of two kids is meant to be worst for marriage until kids turn into teenagers.

He just seemed so angry with me.

I was standing there, crying, telling him that of course he was an important part of our family and that it upset me to think he feels otherwise and he really couldn't have given a shit.

He had one eye on me and one on the TV. I have never felt so unimportant.

To hear him say he's not happy with his life when we have the most wonderful children nearly killed me. How could he feel like that when he has two children to love and who love him? It really hurt.

Maybe he has baby blues. Men get depressed as well. Maybe you could have a date night? Trip to the cinema. I know its not easy though as you have a little baby xx

This sounds very much like what my DH said to me when our first baby was 4 months old. I was totally devastated and the following day he said that he was feeling better and happier that he had told me how he was feeling and had got it off his chest. We just had our second babyand things are much better now.
I think it s really hard to take in how much life changes when you have children and you have to continually readjust expectations. Look after yourself and as couple, as much as possible.

You start with... I understand what you feel because I’m feeling the same. I don’t even have work to distract me, it’s just kids kids kids. It feels like we have both lost our identities, doesn’t it?

Emphathise with what he’s saying if you feel like that too. Instead you’re taking it as an attack on you and your family and you’re getting defensive.

It’s ok to feel like you’ve lost your sense of self with two young children. It doesn’t mean you want to walk away from them or your life.

It's so so hard having young kids. DH comes home from work, I dump DS on him. He has to help cook, bath DS, put him to bed, help tidy/clean. He does so without complaint but it's so relentless for both of us.

He needs to work out what he needs and to try to communicate that. Hard to get him to do so though.

I hope you're ok, OP

It could be post baby blues, but the fact that he has so much leisure time compared to you (sport every weekend) makes me wonder if he’s selfish.

How does he treat you in general now?

Are you a SAHM or on mat leave? If the former it might be sensible to plan to WoH when DC2 is one or whatever, if he - possibly - has those attitudes about being the breadwinner.

He's not selfish - he does a lot to try and make my life as easy as possible. I can hand on heart say he prioritises me over himself without having to be asked to. Maybe he's feeling resentful of that now, I don't know. Maybe he feels taken for granted.

Maybe I don't show him much affection or attention as I used to but I'm exhausted all the time. Some days I feel like I barely have the energy to look after the children never mind him.

I don't mind him going to the sport every weekend as he's only gone for about 4 hours and he always takes our oldest DC with him so it gives me a little break.

Yes I am on Maternity leave, due to return to work in June.

He's in the spare room tonight. I'm dreading seeing him in the morning now

If he wants to feel more 'important' within the family and less of the breadwinner then fine, suggest you go back to work ft and he can be the SAHP with all that entails. I guarantee he won't swap with you.
Do you get a child free afternoon to pursue your interests?

Can’t you go into him and say “I love you to bits, I’m glad you’ve told me how you feel and I really think no we need to talk about all of this. If not now then in the morning”

See what he says.

Youngest baby is breast fed so I'm never alone and even if he could be left for a few hours there's nobody I could leave him with.

I will leave him with DH for short periods at the weekend sometimes but that's only so I can take our oldest DC to the park and have some one-on-one time with him.

Our oldest DC goes to pre-school three days a week so I get some downtime from dealing with them both though.

Do you have any support OP as in grandparents or friends who could babysit so you could have a bit of time out together? I know one evening at a restaurant or wherever won’t solve everything but it might make communication a bit easier. I’ve just told my daughter and son in law to find a weekend when they can get away for 2 nights and i’ll look after my 3 grandchildren, I think it’s so important to me have that time to reconnect as a couple and not only mum and dad with all the stress that brings

I wish I could lizzie but he was so dismissive of me, he spoke to me like he doesn't even like me anymore and the last thing I can cope with is him making me feel like that again.

He could see how upset I was, I walked away from him in tears and he hasn't even been up to me to check I'm ok.

Oh op, I'm sorry you're upset. This is very normal. Sounds like he's just a but fed up. This was me a few months ago.. I'm just ahead of you with a 3.5yr old & a 9 month old & honestly felt like myself & DH were co parents & nothing more. I said as much to him, he agreed somewhat but said he wasn't worried, it's just the stage we're at with two small children & it'll pass. You know what? It has, although things aren't hugely different, we're getting a bit more of a predictable routine & a breather here & there.

Have you had any chances to grab a meal together or even get away overnight without the kids? It'll do you both the world of good. Please try not to read too much into this, he's just fed up. He probably needs a bit of reassurance from you & is sort of unconsciously seeking negative attention from you. Reassure him that you love him, he's doing a great job & that you're looking forward to taking a bit of time for yourselves when you can.
I know it's annoying to have to reassure him on top of everything else you have going on & you're upset but you need to bolster each other at difficult times.

I agree with user76. I know you can’t go overnight as your BFing but could someone babysit for a couple of hours once a month so you could go out together?

It makes a huge difference when you have little ones.