I don't think my husband is happy anymore.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Tonight me and DH have had a bit of a row which escalated from something of nothing really.

Set up is that we've been married for almost 5 years, have a 3.5yr old and a 4 month old baby.

Relationship is under the usual strain that relationships are when a new baby is on the scene but in general I thought things were ok and it's just a case of waiting for normal life to resume when the 'new baby' passed.

However, tonight DH has said he doesn't feel like part of the family and that he's just "a body".

He kept saying, "What is it exactly that I do in this family?"

He said all his life consists of is going to work, coming home and looking after the children for a bit and then going to bed and that it's the same every day. He said this is the course of life we've chosen and how it is is how it will always be.

He said something about no longer feeling like he's in a relationship and that he just a 'bit' that brings in the money and that's his life.

He was barely looking at me during the argument and he just seemed exasperated by me because I was asking him more about how he was feeling.

He said a few other things but the general gist was that he wasn't happy with our life as a family. He made me feel as though he saw me and our children as a burden.

I ended up in tears, I told him I was upset to hear him saying these things but there was no reassurance from him. It really felt like he just didn't care anymore.

I could hear the 3 year old crying because he could hear us arguing and it broke my heart. I went and saw to him and then returned to DH but he just kept saying the same things and I felt like he just saw me as an irritant because I wanted to talk to him.

He said, "I don't want to talk about this now."

I said it wasn't fair that he would say all this stuff to me out of the blue and then shut me down by saying he didn't want to talk about it.

I ended up in tears again and just walked out. I'm now sitting in the bedroom, with the baby over my shoulder, feeling like shit and scared for my marriage.

We could afford a trip it's just that I can't leave the baby.

We don't have any debts we just save a lot each month. Our mortgage is about £600, we put £500 away a month into a rainy day fund, we put another £500 a month into a holiday fund and we put money into each of the boys bank accounts. We also allow ourselves quite a nice amount of personal funds too. All the Child Benefit money we receive stays in a separate account which we just let build up and will be used on the DC in the future should we need it for anything.

Once the baby can be left I think a weekend trip away together would be a good place to start.

I would use some of that rainy day money to do something nice as a family op. This is a rainy day.

Glad you ordered the pump and maybe when baby is on solids soon things will settle down

Well i dont understand why he is jealous of his friends home and holiday things? Cant you go away as a family? Money in the bank is great for security but it should be used for enjoyment too. It sounds endless for you both.

I have NC

I want to share my experience with you.

This used to be exactly how I felt.

We weren't a couple, we were at best project managers with me the junior partner who was a punching bag whenever things weren't going as to should have.

After a while I couldn't tell what exactly was the difference between me as a father or any competent bloke who performed a series of duties and was told off now and then.

But the issue is not doing the heavy or dirty jobs as a parent. The issue is that there is no counterweight to the stress and numbness, no pleasure (not even sexual) , no upside.

That's probably how your DH feels right now.

It may be unfair because no one is at fault.

NerrSnerr op has asked for help over the internet, I’m giving my opinion over the internet. It’s kind of how this mumsnet thing works!

OP, your last post could have been written about us when we were at the same stage with our 2nd still being breastfed, it felt relentless and we tried to spare each other our feelings until there was an outburst, which sounds like what has happened with you. It's clear he adores you and wants the best for you all, ignore the naysayers here looking for some controversy, this all sounds perfectly normal to me, but no less difficult than you describe.

My xh used to feel like your dh, but he never ever told me and eventually he had an affair.

I don't take any responsibility for the affair but in charitable moments I do reflect back and am now able to concede that I was too focused on the dc.

You are lucky that your dh has felt able to tell you the truth, even though it hurt. I hope it gives your relationship a kick up the bum and forces you both to make changes in order to remain close. You still love each other, and want to stay married, so this can be fixed. Screw the rainy day fund and start planning some fun.

I know my time is so focused on the baby, I can admit that, but it's been a really rough ride with him from day 1 and it's had a lot of emotional drain on me which I'm not sure my DH fully acknowledges.

I'm pretty anxious over the baby's health and I know that spills over into our relationship. It's just so hard.

It's a good thing he's apologised. It is very stressful and sometimes depressing with babies and toddlers. They're bloody hard work.

Mine are 15 and 17 now... it's so so different.

I remember the first holiday I really enjoyed. They were 9 and 11. More independent...could pack their own stuff (a little help for the younger one).. before that it felt like the same shit in a different country.

Your DH apologised. He explained himself ... you'll get through it.

Im so glad he apologised to you! That’s a real breakthrough if he’s never done it before so he must feel very sorry about what he said to you.

I do agree with others that you need to get out together. Can’t you get someone to look after the dc for 2 hours? It could be during the day or at night. Just go out together, hold hands, have a laugh. You’ll feel like you’ve been out for hours! [snile]

It will get easier op, it really will!

Keep going, keep talking, you are at the most difficult time now and soon everything will start to feel better. I agree with a pp, though - you are being extremely sensible with your money but maybe try to use a little more to give yourselves some treats and break up the monotony of daily life a bit.

(I know what you mean about breastfeeding as neither of mine took a bottle but keep persevering, and maybe introduce a sippy cup fairly early).

Good luck!

I think this is a fairly natural reaction from him. He sleeps in the spare room and everything is about the kids, with you the primary carer becayse you're at home and also breastfeeding.

He's just feeling melancholy. Neglected a bit maybe. As he said, missing feeling like he's part of a couple and important to you. Right now you're not a couple, you're simply two parents coexisting. It's probably not what he envisaged. But it is what it is and he seems accepting of that. However I would also start to see what I could do to try to bring you back to being a couple again.

That's good he's apologised. He needs to keep communicating with you and you need time for each other, and I think a big factor is the not sharing a bed together. There's no closeness. Does your DH wake up every time your baby wakes?

Lack of communication and closeness could make you drift apart, maybe tell him later that he needs to stay open and discuss things calmly rather than block you out. He needs to let you speak as well when he expresses his concerns.

I think it’s how we adapt to change & he’s probably reflecting on the glory days of a relationship when you went out, had fun & were a couple in the truest sense.
I think it’s a positive he’s mentioned it as he’s obviously bothered enough to make things work.
Hope you find a mutually agreeable solution, so you both get some time to be a couple, rather than two adults parenting

It's ok for him to tell you he isn't happy! He doesn't necessarily expect you to fix it, or blame you for it.

I would say, however, that with all that money coming in you need to build in some fun stuff. Work out what you can do. Are meals out enjoyable? Looking around tourist attractions? Takeaways? Even with the children, you can still have fun. We had no one to have ours, so had to make fun around the edges.

If you call one night a week 'fun night' and watch a video with popcorn, do a 'finest' meal for two so it's no cooking hassle etc, you can make the ordinary days a bit more enjoyable. Silly board games, 'who am I' etc. It's all fun and you need fun.

I would love us to have more fun together, I do miss spending time with him but life just seems to get in the way.

You've all been so supportive and reassuring and your comments have made me see things much more clearly.

The spare room is on a different floor of the house as the main bedroom so no, when the baby wakes he isn't disturbed.

I think he misses the kind of life we used to have pre-children, and I do too enjoy reminiscing how lovely the freedom felt to do whatever ever we wanted, whenever we wanted, but I wouldn't swap the DCs to have it back and I think last night I was worried that deep down he genuinely wished we hadn't had the children.

We did children much younger than our friends, and missed out on some of the fun glamorous stuff. But we have a much richer life as a result. You need to build the fun I to everyday though, you really can t8metable fun!

I can empathise with how your husband feels. It doesn’t mean I am unhappy in my relationship. Just that life can be boring and repetitive. I suspect he couldn’t comfort you because he was ashamed of having let it all come out.

It’s hard for both of you right now. The baby has to come first, you both know it. And he/she WILL. But it can be hard to be happy with that state of affairs 100% of the time. Most of us feel a touch of resentment. I know I did. I used to mutter ‘for fuck’s SAKE’ every time the baby cried. But every time I went to him and loved and cared for him.

Acknowledging that you find it boring is a bit of a taboo. You should feel BLESSED by your family!

I don’t know what to suggest. I wouldn’t be worried by what your h said. Make plans for the future, for when the baby is a bit bigger. Cling to them.

Op sometimes i regret it-temporarily. Its ok to do that on your lowest days. Doesnt mean we dont love them x

We are both mid 30s and conceived our first child just a few months after the wedding.

Prior to the children we had frequent long weekends away, luxurious 5 star holidays in Mexico etc and now our holidays are based on whether there's an indoor pool and an entertainment team. It's hardly exciting stuff is it.

My husband also wants to go and work abroad, he wants an adventure, and I don't want to move. That issue comes up a lot when we have mini arguements. Neither of us can help how we feel though.

We often sit down and say, "imagine what our life would be like if we didn't have children?" and we light heartedly chat about the lovely things we'd be doing if we were child free and it is nice to escape in to that fantasy sometimes.

I think the 'so fulfilled' thing is a myth!!

It's hard because having a second baby was my idea and I had to really talk him in to it and now I worry he resents me for it.

Your second child policy will pay off when they can play with each other. The nicer holidays will come back. My boy is 9 now and we do New York and Africa. It’s not all kids clubs any more. It all comes back.

I agree with cauliflower, it isn't very long before you can start leaving them with babysitters for a night out, or taking them on holiday to exciting places.

Looking back, I can remember fretting about whether they'd be ok with a babysitter, whether they'd be ok on a plane, turning down trips and holidays that I wasn't sure they'd like but I regret a lot of that now. Children are adaptable, and they would have been fine. Carving out time together is so important, and dc growing up seeing two parents who prioritise each other.