I don't think my husband is happy anymore.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Tonight me and DH have had a bit of a row which escalated from something of nothing really.

Set up is that we've been married for almost 5 years, have a 3.5yr old and a 4 month old baby.

Relationship is under the usual strain that relationships are when a new baby is on the scene but in general I thought things were ok and it's just a case of waiting for normal life to resume when the 'new baby' passed.

However, tonight DH has said he doesn't feel like part of the family and that he's just "a body".

He kept saying, "What is it exactly that I do in this family?"

He said all his life consists of is going to work, coming home and looking after the children for a bit and then going to bed and that it's the same every day. He said this is the course of life we've chosen and how it is is how it will always be.

He said something about no longer feeling like he's in a relationship and that he just a 'bit' that brings in the money and that's his life.

He was barely looking at me during the argument and he just seemed exasperated by me because I was asking him more about how he was feeling.

He said a few other things but the general gist was that he wasn't happy with our life as a family. He made me feel as though he saw me and our children as a burden.

I ended up in tears, I told him I was upset to hear him saying these things but there was no reassurance from him. It really felt like he just didn't care anymore.

I could hear the 3 year old crying because he could hear us arguing and it broke my heart. I went and saw to him and then returned to DH but he just kept saying the same things and I felt like he just saw me as an irritant because I wanted to talk to him.

He said, "I don't want to talk about this now."

I said it wasn't fair that he would say all this stuff to me out of the blue and then shut me down by saying he didn't want to talk about it.

I ended up in tears again and just walked out. I'm now sitting in the bedroom, with the baby over my shoulder, feeling like shit and scared for my marriage.

Oh that’s hortble Queen.

Has he ever done anything like this before?

BTW my baby is breastfed too but we managed a weekend away all the same (was actually two events we had to attend one day after another, not ideal theoretically but it worked out great) & it really was just what we needed. Best of luck OP.

The youngest one is breast fed so can't be left. He won't take a bottle not for lack of trying. He's also got a cows milk allergy and possible allergies to other feeds so it's quite stressful as I'm having to restrict my diet and that alongside the pressures I feel doesn't help my mood much as it makes me quite anxious.

I'm under no illusion about our relationship, I know it's had to take a back step but I also understood it's just the way it is when a new baby arrives and it won't be forever and I though we were on the same page, but obviously not.

lizzie - he's very, very stubborn. He never backs down and he never apologises. He never sees that anything he says or does may be wrong. When we have arguments it's usually me who seems to be the one apologising.

I now sweetly point out that this would have been an appropriate time to apologise- and not a "sorry you feel" tyoe. But I get that you probably feel too vulnerable to do so atm. Good luck, it is a tough stage but it passes. Tho' my relationship has definitely changed after various challenges which we didn't face with as much of a Team approach as I expected. I do now prioritise myself more. And it does surprise him. But I think will help us in the long term

Gosh that must be infuriating. How can someone feel they are never wrong?

Things are so tough in the early days with young children. Life can feel like an endless slog and your husband is probably just voicing feelings of exasperation borne out of fatigue. I remember, in those early days, experiencing such feelings of almost despair that it could feel like a relentless, uphill struggle. I know you feel scared by his outburst but try to remain rational if you can. Maybe when you get a quiet moment, just give him a hug and tell him you feel similar feelings and reassure him that you and the kids need him for what he is,not just as a salary (if that is how he's feeling). Explain that you too get such feelings of despair, boredom at times but that you need to pull each other up at such times. This is a cry for help from your husband. I know it's tough, but see it as him signalling a need for support. Men so often feel they need to appear "strong" that when they flounder it can sound like an attack rather than simply their vulnerability.

Has there been changes in his work?

His traits are not healthy and most likely relied on you to be the peacemaker.Having a lack of compassion for you is worrying but its not caused by you, its him.
Something has changed for him and he needs to communicate with you properly.
Hope night is a blip but if not don't be too tolerant of unkind behaviour.Make sure he knows you value yourself as well as the marriage.

Babies and young children can cause a lot of stress to a relationship.

Men often feel they aren't getting enough attention....New mums are exhausted and it tests the best of relationships.

I know this is difficult...but try and persevere with giving him a bottle of expressed milk ...otherwise it can be draining.

It's easy to forget yourself as a couple and loose the closeness...

Well, everything he's feeling is... life with small kids! It's shit.

I, for instance, felt trapped, and it never got better (you go to sleep just to wake up in the same place with children needing you and it never changes). But it does get better, if you stick to it.

My DC are 7 and 5 now and I can't tell you how much better life is now. Things started to improve when DS2 was about 2, so you don't have to wait too long.

In the meantime, it helped to try to remember the things I liked about DH in the beginning. Why I started dating him. It helped me to endure things for a bit longer :)

When I think back to my life with kids of that age, I almost have an anxiety attack. I hated that phase so much.

Please try not to cry when you have difficult discussions. I know it’s upsetting, but many people don’t know how to react to tears and they can shut a conversation down instantly.

If I were you, I’d arrange counselling ASAP. It is not too late for your marriage, not by a long shot. Take someone to sit in the waiting room with your baby, if you have to.

I wish there was a ‘ghost of marriage future’ that could show your husband that this is a phase that passes. But he alone is responsible for his happiness.

I can kind of understand what he’s saying. All my DH does is work to pay the bills. I feel so sorry for him. He doesn’t complain but I can see that he doesn’t really have a life.

OP, it’s good that your DH has opened up to you about how he’s feeling. He might also be a bit depressed. Keep talking to him.

I feel so angry on your behalf. This is often what having tiny children is like. The adults in the equation put their own needs aside for a few months to keep the babies alive. It's awful, it passes.
He's basically just dumped his feelings on you, I bet he wakes feeling lighter because he's given you all his shit to worry about.

If he never backs down or admits he was wrong that’s a big problem Md very unfair on you IMO.

Having “just” the baby while DC1 is at nursery some days is not leisure time for you.

I'm sitting upstairs and listening for any noises to indicate he's awake but I can't hear anything. I've barely slept all night because this keeps going round and round in my head.

His comments about bringing the money in really annoyed me as my Mat Pay still brings in £1'100 a month so it's hardly like all the money coming in is his and me and the children are spending it.

I honestly have no idea what I'm going to say to him this morning.

He's got an all day work event on today and he has to leave at 8.15am but I'm about 75% sure he I'll just leave the house without even having spoken to me.

He was out yesterday afternoon between 12-7pm and he will be out today from 8-4 and he complains he doesn't feel part of the family anymore as though it's my fault

The OP did also say that her dh always takes DC1 with him when he goes to watch his sports, so that isn't really leisure time for the dh either.

Life can be monotonous with 2 young dc OP, it will pass. It is not fair that your dh is stubborn and he needs to.work on that.

He sounds depressed and realistic. Young kids is a shit time. Your relationship is likely all about the kids and you are both tired. Do you have sex?
It is a mundane treadmill but how it is worse for him is selfish. Tell him you will go part time and he can spend an extra day at home.
If i were working all day i wouldnt want to come home and care for kids. Id want a coffee and shower and somethi g to eat. I would be happy to do whatever at weekend though.
I would work to sort this or he could look elsewhere for validation.
Does he get to sleep? Are you over the top in his daddy role ie always going on about what he should be doing?
I understand his feelibgs. I feel the same. Every day a day closer to starting school and having an independent bappy free sleeping all night child.

Velvet its not a few months. Its a few years and hard to see the end of

He has the baby blues. It’s no ones fault, you just need to be understanding and not make it about you and all will be fine. Have a day out together if possible without the children.

He has the baby blues. It’s no ones fault,
Because you can diagnose this over the internet without meeting him?
Did you read the OP’s posts? They can’t go out without the children, the baby is EBF and won’t take a bottle.

I think he sounds really selfish actually and it’s unfair of him to dump all this on you.

Even if he was justified in feeling this way to be cold and uncaring towards you is cruel and unnecessary and I wouldn’t be pandering to him.

Let him go on his work day and you carry on with yours, do something nice for you and the dc.

@QueenofmyPrinces

Sounds like your DP is stonewalling...

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/communication/stonewalling

DH sleeps in the spare room and has done for a few months. It's only because we've had a lot of problems with reflux and allergy symptoms with the baby so he's awake a lot at night, crying, difficult to settle and it can take him add to settle, usually up about 3 times a night. DH was just exhausted having night after night like that and then having to leave for work at 7.15am. It was just unmanageable.

DS is much better now, maybe having a really bad night only two weeks a night. He still wakes at least twice, but usually three times for feeds. Me and DH have spoken about him coming back to the bedroom and we agreed that once DS goes in to his own room in about 5 weeks then DH will come back as at least me feeding DS won't disturb him as I can do it in the nursery.

DH did come into me the morning and gave me a big hug. He then started talking about mundane things like jam and back ache as though last night hadn't even happened. He asked me how DS had slept and how much sleep I'd had, to which I said "hardly any" due to thinking about what he'd said.

In a nutshell (because it was a long conversation) he told me he loved me and I had nothing to worry about in that respect but that he missed me and our relationship. He said we need to make time for ourselves somehow otherwise we are going to drift apart. He said he loves our family and he was sorry if what he said gave the impression he resented us but he was just finding it hard at the moment. He said I was his best friend and that he missed me. He said he knows that the baby is the priority at the moment and he wouldn't want it any other way but that it doesn't mean he has to be happy with how things are. He asked me if I felt the same, and I said I did, but that I never took it out on him like he had done last night with me. He then apologised. There were tears again and I told him I was scared he wasn't happy with us (me and the DC) anymore and that I couldn't bear to think about that but he just kept hugging me and saying I had nothing to worry about.

It turns out that when he was out yesterday he was with two of his friends (who I know) and they are both very well off and they were talking about their nice holidays and all the nice adaptions they were making to their already big houses and DH said he just felt annoyed by it because he and I work hard for our money yet we can't afford luxuries and listening to them talk about their lives made him wish we could have that life too.

He said he's also worried about his being lonely and that plays on his mind a lot too.

So it seems like there was a build up to his outburst last night of an accumulation of things and it all just spilled out and I bore the brunt of it

I'm really glad he spoke to me this morning - it was very out of character as like I said, normally he can't admit if he's said or done something wrong. I feel much better now so now I just have to work out how to make more time for us.

As a start I've been on amazon and ordered myself a better breast pump than the rubbish one I've got as the more breast milk I have in the fridge the more opportunity there is for me to keep offering bottles.

Thank you everyone for all your support and advice.

@QueenofmyPrinces

Within this link, there is another link to 'The 4 Horsemen of The Apocalypse' but here is the antidote.

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

Please google John Gottman's credentials. He's researched relationship for decades.

That sounds positive op.
But sorry off topic-if hes on a ft wage and you 1100, then why cant you afford a little break? Do you have a lot of debt or massive mortgage? Because financial worries are awful and could explain his views. It doesnt add up right if youre at home with no childcare fees.