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Original poster

Fresh depths of hell -the worst got worse

99 replies

rosetintedbex · 11/01/2018 01:16

I write to update on a situation from the summer which was at best unpleasant, that is now significantly worse.
In a nutshell, OH cheated, left, came back, lied when he said he'd stopped seeing the OW, ended it with her for good and like an idiot I continued the relationship though he was emotionally abusive and had terrible (non-physical) anger issues. I had been talking to a male friend who I'd become closer to and was planning to leave around the time this all happened, but wimped out at the last minute and ceased communication with the male friend, having never done anything but talk on the phone.
If you're still reading, thank you, this is long winded to say the least!
Jump to November last year, OH's contrite efforts had faded and I realised I'd made a mistake clinging on to a doomed relationship and got fed up with his irresponsible ways and disrespect. Started looking for somewhere to live, began talking to the male friend again.
Decided to get Christmas out of the way and then make my move. All good.
Early December, OH has massive stroke and subsequent last minute life saving neurosurgery after I was advised to inform his family they needed to come and say goodbye to him. As much as I wanted to save myself and get away from the relationship, I still care about him and certainly didn't wish this on him.
Ever since I have been a shining beacon of a supportive, caring, unconditionally loving partner, rallying him, his family and dealing with all of the fallout associated with his life changing long term illness.
I'm trapped.
Male friend had ceased contact, so I'm hurting over that loss.
The only two people I've confided in have said to not let his illness sway my decision and plans, but he is vulnerable, confused and reliant on me, as I know he surely will be for the rest of his life.
I can't add any more details about his family in case it identifies me, but they are unable to support him daily as I have been doing.
It feels like a life sentence just as I was about to free myself, but with him in this state, my stupid compassionate heart goes out to him and his gratitude for my care.
I just don't know what to do, the prognosis for him is fairly bleak long term and I've just been surviving day to day since this happened. I am very nearly at breaking point....

OP posts:
NewYearNiki · 11/01/2018 01:24

If he hadn't had the life-changing stroke he would probably still be seeing the OW and being a bastard to you.

I'd leave without a backward glance.

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 11/01/2018 01:25

You only have one life to be happy op.
Do what you need to do to be happy.
Do not be the one to stay and be the caregiver here.

RowenasDiadem · 11/01/2018 01:29

You owe him NOTHING. He had no respect for you and his health changing doesn't take it back. He will manage and if not, perhaps OW would like to step up? Go. Get on with your life. He was a cheater and abusive. No one will think badly of you and if they do, tell the truth, clearly for all to hear.

SilenceIsBroken · 11/01/2018 01:34

Would he do the same for you? I really doubt it. Do not stay out of guilt.

TemptressofWaikiki · 11/01/2018 01:56

Errr, and the problem is what exactly? Ride off into the sunset OP! Onwards and upwards. You're not starring in some dreary kitchen sink drama. Leave someone else to deal with this shit stain. Not your circus, monkeys etc etc and all that jazz.

Original poster
rosetintedbex · 11/01/2018 01:57

He says he would do the same for me, I suppose he would though.
I wrote diaries in the summer, I think I'd better re-read them to remind myself of the hurt I felt.
I'm too soft for my own good, always the helper, finding it easier to 'fix' others and not myself.
I suffer with masses of self doubt, huge lack of confidence and don't really know who I am or what makes me happy.
Thank you for reading and responding all. x

OP posts:
pallisers · 11/01/2018 02:00

of course he wouldn't do the same for you. (although of course he is saying he would - he needs you now the fucker)

He couldn't even be faithful to you - kind of a basic requirement of marriage. but he would stay with you if you had a stroke - yeah sure he would! Get real OP. He'd be gone in a flash. Get your life together and leave this man who has no regard for you, no fidelity to you and you owe nothing to.

Original poster
rosetintedbex · 11/01/2018 02:09

This was always my problem, I put up with his behaviour because if nothing else he was faithful. He's a different person to me now, he did the one thing we'd promised we'd never do to each other as it had happened in both our pasta, yet somehow I more scared of change than the familiar bullsh*t I'm used to.
I need some counselling perhaps, a medication review (severe anxiety all my life), some sleep and the kick up the arse I'm getting!

OP posts:
TemptressofWaikiki · 11/01/2018 02:10

OP, I am a recovering do-gooder, ex-doormat, previously a martyr and former professional victim. I say this without malice but examine your own motives for feeling this need to be the ‘good guy’, sometimes it is about ‘buying’ love, admiration and approval. Maybe you do like to be the shining beacon. Talk is cheap, the snivelling toad needs you now! Grow a spine and remember what this guy is really like. Then walk off with your head held high. However, if you do decide to look after this guy out of a misplaced sense of duty, don’t expect too much sympathy or genuine gratitude. You’re getting fobbed off and lumbered with him because others don’t want to do it. Why the hell should you though? Leave it to his family, they are much more responsible for him then you. Cynical but now it’s the easiest time to bugger off, with the least amount of shite coming from someone who by your own words was an abusive, cheating shitgibbon.

Original poster
rosetintedbex · 11/01/2018 02:11

*Pasts not pasta. Bloody autocorrect!

OP posts:
Original poster
rosetintedbex · 11/01/2018 02:13

Thank you temptress, no malice taken at all. I want to be you went I grow up!

OP posts:
Original poster
rosetintedbex · 11/01/2018 02:14

*when I grow up

OP posts:
SilenceIsBroken · 11/01/2018 02:17

"He couldn't even be faithful to you - kind of a basic requirement of marriage. but he would stay with you if you had a stroke?"

Just what I was thinking. Please don't waste your life, OP. You sound lovely, you deserve happiness, not caring for someone who dislikes you.

theoldtrout01876 · 11/01/2018 02:18

Very thing happened to a very good friend of mine. Literally 5 days before her moving out day, her husband had a stroke. She stayed.

It became apparent as her husband recovered that he was brain damaged, not enough to be disabled but a different person than he was before. He made her life hell in a whole new set of ways than he did before the stroke. She didnt feel she could leave him as it was obvious that he was brain damaged and she felt bad as the had been married a long time.

He lived for 10 years after and she became a shadow of herself, a bitter twisted relic of the fun loving woman she had been. Poor thing was totally miserable. Her husband made sure she never had anything of her own, never had any time to herself and messed up her teenage sons heads.

After he died she discovered he had left everything to a charity and nothing to her or their sons and she had to contest the will.

Think long and hard before you decide to stay.

TemptressofWaikiki · 11/01/2018 02:21

Hahahaha I am yet to grow up. Mental age isn't everything. And while I sound harsh, I could kick myself now for the many times, I put up with crap from utterly unworthy people. Behind my perhaps glib and tough broad stance, there has been a long journey to grow a spine myself. I had a brilliant and funny therapist and realised that often the ‘martyr’, including me, has his or her own motives. It’s a bargaining chip to feel needed and get gratitude. Thing is people seldom ‘pay you back’ and then follows the invariable woe-is-me and passive-aggressive reaction. This guy is still the same nasty fecker, start packing OP!

Original poster
rosetintedbex · 11/01/2018 02:37

Thank you Silence, I do feel as if I deserve more.
I appreciate the relaying of that experience trout, I suspect that would very much be the case for me too. He hasn't expressed much frustration or anger since it happened so far and is improving well cognitively which surprises me. I have to remember he's still the same idiot underneath the determination and strength he's demonstrated since it happened.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 11/01/2018 02:37

Run.

And please please please don’t you DARE feel guilty.

I’m so sorry this has happened Thanks

ohfourfoxache · 11/01/2018 02:40

Please remember that he showed no determination/ strength when it came to trying again and actually repenting for what he did. He’s only being strong and determined now because the stroke and recovery is all about him

Original poster
rosetintedbex · 11/01/2018 02:42

Temptress- I'm sure I have my own motives, needing to be needed, avoiding dealing with my own problems, better the devil you know etc.
It just seems so heartless, not to mention terrible timing to leave right now. And yes, apparently I do care too much about other's opinions of me, or I'd already be gone...

OP posts:
Bambooshoot · 11/01/2018 02:47

Hey Bex.

You are not trapped, though I can see how it feels that way, as so many people in the family circle are making very unreasonable demands on you.

It seems like you have to conform to what they expect (the grieving bride)rather than what you are (the victim in all of this horror). Deep breath - but this man is not your child. You can leave just as easily now as before, if - and only if - you want to. But please don't think that there is any moral evil in ending a relationship that does not work for you, just because he is ill - far worse to string someone along with a lie. All it takes is a judgement call - are you together (as this new unbalanced couple) going to be good for each other going forwards)?. If you had a long history together I might say, perhaps you could adapt, but for you two, as you are now - what do you think?

Original poster
rosetintedbex · 11/01/2018 02:48

You're right fox. He did eventually decide I was the best thing that ever happened to him and how terribly he's behaved. Damn, that sounds pathetic when read it back.
Why do I want his approval so badly?

OP posts:
MrsDilber · 11/01/2018 02:49

You do deserve so much more. We're talking recent history here.

It crossed my mind, if you'd have left before his stroke, you'd be blamed for it and you'd feel guilty as shit (even though, without leaving, he had the stroke anyway - hope that makes sense). And, although, that's a bs way of looking at it, you do not have that inkling of doubt. The doubt you do have is written in your diaries, doubt about your relationship months ago.

Leave, he's made your life a misery and he will continue to do so. You really do only live once, don't let him have that control over you.

If he's well enough to convey gratitude for you looking after him, he's well enough to understand where your relationship was heading.

If he ever says you left because of the stroke, which he will, show him your flaming diaries and how miserable he made you.

All the very, very best.

ohfourfoxache · 11/01/2018 02:50

I promise you’re not heartless.

Heartless is what that thundercunt has done to you

Original poster
rosetintedbex · 11/01/2018 03:11

Thank you Bamboo, a most perceptive, balanced and thought provoking comment.
We've been together for 6 years, though I feel I've grown and changed and he hasn't. We have different interests and he is extroverted whilst I'm the opposite.
It's been difficult to look to the future as the initial shock settles, him having been so close to death, uncertain long term prognosis etc, but it would certainly seem that he would be set to benefit far more from the relationship than me down the line.
As for living a lie, it feels that way to an extent, certainly because of how things were so close to ending when it happened, but I felt absolutely bereft when I was shown brain scans and given 'the talk' by the doctors.
It's this conflict that tears me in two.
Why did I feel that way when I was so certain I wanted to leave? I'm in a daze of shock, lack of sleep and crippling indecision at the moment, so effectively trapping myself at least temporarily.
Thank you for your kindness.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosetintedbex · 11/01/2018 03:16

Thank you MrsDilber, I would've put some blame on myself regardless of the relationship status, you're right!
How do you tell someone in that helpless, broken state that you're leaving though? It was going to be hard enough to say it when he was in one of his shocking tempers, let alone in this condition. How can I not feel like an evil b*tch?

OP posts:
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