Fresh depths of hell -the worst got worse

[rosetintedbex]

I write to update on a situation from the summer which was at best unpleasant, that is now significantly worse.
In a nutshell, OH cheated, left, came back, lied when he said he'd stopped seeing the OW, ended it with her for good and like an idiot I continued the relationship though he was emotionally abusive and had terrible (non-physical) anger issues. I had been talking to a male friend who I'd become closer to and was planning to leave around the time this all happened, but wimped out at the last minute and ceased communication with the male friend, having never done anything but talk on the phone.
If you're still reading, thank you, this is long winded to say the least!
Jump to November last year, OH's contrite efforts had faded and I realised I'd made a mistake clinging on to a doomed relationship and got fed up with his irresponsible ways and disrespect. Started looking for somewhere to live, began talking to the male friend again.
Decided to get Christmas out of the way and then make my move. All good.
Early December, OH has massive stroke and subsequent last minute life saving neurosurgery after I was advised to inform his family they needed to come and say goodbye to him. As much as I wanted to save myself and get away from the relationship, I still care about him and certainly didn't wish this on him.
Ever since I have been a shining beacon of a supportive, caring, unconditionally loving partner, rallying him, his family and dealing with all of the fallout associated with his life changing long term illness.
I'm trapped.
Male friend had ceased contact, so I'm hurting over that loss.
The only two people I've confided in have said to not let his illness sway my decision and plans, but he is vulnerable, confused and reliant on me, as I know he surely will be for the rest of his life.
I can't add any more details about his family in case it identifies me, but they are unable to support him daily as I have been doing.
It feels like a life sentence just as I was about to free myself, but with him in this state, my stupid compassionate heart goes out to him and his gratitude for my care.
I just don't know what to do, the prognosis for him is fairly bleak long term and I've just been surviving day to day since this happened. I am very nearly at breaking point....

But you know deep down, that eventually, he would have left you....
The reason you felt those feelings, was because you were remembering how it used to be, in the early days, but we're living in the here and now, and used to be's, sadly don't count anymore, you have to move on.
Please stop imprisoning yourself, and realise you can have a life, you are on this earth only once.
Your husband will not be left to his own devices, he has family who can arrange his care. Also, he may well improve, to some degree.
Bex,you sound so lovely, go and shine in life, with someone else. 🌺🌸

Thank you sugarpie, you make a lot of sense. I will eventually I'm sure, I just need to get my strength and resolve together. The last year knocked me down for a number of reasons and I need to pull myself back up again. I will in time.

Hi Bex, sounds horrendous and I can see myself doing the same - stepping up into 'helping' mode and pushing down all your own worries and doubts. Now is the time that you have to decide what to do. For once he is not a threat to you (verbally abusive, cheating etc), and you have space (iyswim) to decide what is right for you.

In terms of what to do - be honest. Tell him you were about to leave him, he had a stroke, you stepped up out of a sense of duty but that doesn't change the fact that you want to leave. Tell his family that he is their responsibility, and then get the heck outta there. You do not owe him anything, he did/does not respect you or your marriage, and is being extremely selfish and manipulative.

Re the other male friend. I would advise not to go into the arms of another man, even if that felt right. You need to work out who you are and what you want, and it's scary but do it for your sake. Be your own person, hold your head high and know that you have done the right thing, been honest and showed resilience through this shitstorm.

Keep us posted

How do you tell someone in that helpless, broken state that you're leaving though?

This man repeatedly cheated. You owe him the same loyalty he showed you.

I suspect that if you leave OW will take care of him.

Your choice. Make the right one for you.

And where is the lovely OW in all of this?

You need to hand over responsibility for this man to his own family. They can access care for him.

Maybe research some numbers for them to call - LA, various stroke charities, NHS.

Then move on.

Bex You need to think bigger, much bigger. First I suspect you generalised anxiety would fade once you are away from him and in a settled lifestyle so you have to think about your own health. Looking after him could wreck your health but mainly my advice is to tell his family and everyone that will listen, that he had an affair, lied and that you were on the brink of separation. Name the OW if need be but get it all out there with fecking great bells and whistles. You won't feel so guilty then.and bloody right! Get away. Save yourself. Don't forget what he did and remember he is all about saving himself now so he is going to feed you whatever line he has to to get you to care for him. It doesn't have to be you or his family that cares for him. We have a welfare state for that. Do not martyr yourself.

Do you think the other man backed off because he felt it was 'the right thing to do'? If you left, might he re-appear once he hears that you have left? Is part of your guilt how it might look longterm? This is why you have to tell the world about the cheating and name bloody names. Get angrier and more lashy outy and carve the path you want for YOU. Your anxiety will fade. You won't be worrying about having a cheating bastard on your hands and it will be interesting to see if the OW steps up.

This happens more than you think. People wait until the kids are grown to leave their unhappy marriages and then when they are about to leave their OH becomes ill and dependent on them. They don’t want people to think they are walking out only because their OH became ill. Sometimes it’s the other way around, they are about to leave and then they become chronically ill.

The people I know who have found themselves in this situation have all stayed with their OH but in all the cases I know of their OH wasn’t abusive or cheated and the people were in their 50’s or older.

If you are young you need to think about years ahead of you. If you decide to leave, let people know this was something you’d decided before his stroke because he’d been disloyal and abusive. If you decide to stay then maybe you can turn back the clock to be the people you were at the beginning of the relationship.

You’ve been together six years, probably one of which he was cheating on you. That’s 17% of the time he was fucking around. It’s not a long term marriage with kids together and he made a mistake. He was/is abusive as well, calculated and nasty. Now you feel like you’re obliged to look after him and care what his family think. In one word. RUN.

He says he would do the same for me

Well he would say that, wouldn't he?

I think you stick around for a few months to get him over the worst, but let him know that you are merely fulfilling your sense of obligation and that you don't see a long term future with him. As soon as he is able to be left alone and manage certain things for himself, you are free to leave.

Of course you could leave at any time, but this might have pretty crap consequences for you in terms of the way others will view you. You did take him back, you did want him back and unfortunately this did happen while you were to all intents and purposes supposed to be working on your marriage, so I do think it will look really bad if you walk now. Are you prepared to be hated by friends and family?

You could offer the OW the chance to come back and take him on. I wonder if she'd be so interested now?

What a shame this didn't happen to him during the period where he left you.

Incidentally I know someone who had a massive stroke, family were also told to say goodbye. They were in hospital for several weeks, long term prognosis was very poor, had to learn to walk again, memory and eyesight were affected, all that stuff.

First three months were very rough. By six months huge improvements were seen. By the first anniversary of the stroke they were 99.99% recovered and everyone was remarking on what a bloody miracle it was. So don't despair, this needn't trap you for as long as you fear.

Oh hang on...you've only been together six years and are not married? I missed that and it changes my opinion somewhat. Go whenever you like. You owe him nothing.

I know you say his family can't help, OP but be careful - they may well be staying out of the picture so that you get lumbered with him. I agree with the others: leave.

Even if you do not want to leave (and I would find that very difficult too, in spite of everything) you need some professional help. Initially you need to find respite care through the NHS/ social care. Speak to your/his GP so that you can have at least a fortnight without him to rest and get your head together. When you have had that fortnight it might just feel more right to have professionals look after him permanently and you can leave. No doubt he won’t like it much, but that is just too bad.

Well of course you're the best thing that ever happened to him. He shit on you releatedly ftom a great height and you're the only one standing looking after him when it's all gone pear shaped for him.

Is he the best thing that ever happened to you?

Hoo, that's a bit of a mess, isn't it!

I assume that you wouldn't be able or willing to find another relationship while remaining in a carer role for this man, would you - to be fair, I don't think I would either.

In reality, you owe him nothing. If you weren't there to look after him, his family would have to step up and do something - so give them that opportunity. They're not going to thank you for looking after him, they're just happy to be able to offload his care onto you.

I really believe that you should walk away. Kindly, but you have a life to live and he'd already broken the trust you should have in a loving relationship - you'd have gone anyway if he hadn't had a stroke, so go anyway.

He's not your family anymore.
Family love and care about each other.
They don't lie and cheat op.
Don't get guilt-ed into being with this man.
You don't have a chain around you do you?
Many woman stay from being guilt ed .
You deserve more.
Love yourself to say no more and walk out the door.
Get some strong music going about leaving this man.

Hmm, I would struggle to withdraw care and support completely from him, were I you. But I wouldn't be doing it in the capacity of loving partner anymore.
I would say 'this is what I can do and this is how long for' to him and to his family if needed, and say why if necessary. That way you are doing what others (and yourself probably, you are clearly a nice and sympathetic person to be struggling with this in the first place) will see as the decent thing, but making sure that you carve out a life for yourself in the end of it.
I am half way through my divorce. For many reasons my exh could now be considered my enemy. In fact I feel surly sure he is about to try and screw me over pretty badly. But his Father died recently and of course I've offered him support and kindness as needed because that's a human reaction and seems to me to be the 'right' thing. It doesn't change how I feel about him really, and it won't be indefinite, but in the moment you can do the kind thing, whilst knowing that it doesn't have to be forever. (Not the same thing at all of course, your situation is far more affecting for you, but the closest example I had)

You must continue your plans to leave.

It is no-one else’s business.

People will judge, they always do, but you need to do right by you not other (judgemental) people who have half a story. It is your life.

If it were me I would help with getting him set up and taken care of but I would leave.

If he is one of the lucky people who recovers well there’s a big risk he’s gonna cheat on you again and it will be all the worse you having nurses him back to health.

Leave him. He was abusive and cheated on you.

You only have one life to be happy op.
Do what you need to do to be happy.
Do not be the one to stay and be the caregiver here.

I totally agree with this. Please don’t stay out of a sense of guilt, he put you through hell, you need to remember that.

Thank you Catren,
Now is the time to take stock and I do have the time and space to do that as he'll be in rehab for at least a couple of months.
I do need to work on myself, I've tried various routes in the past without success, but I'm sure I haven't exhausted all avenues.
I feel I do need to have that frank conversation, but not until he's a little better. It needs to be said, but to do it now I feel would be cruel.

Halloween haul I agree. I've felt for some time the anxiety would subside away from him.
His family know all about the affair and are glad we reconciled, my family don't and I'll tell them when I've left.
I do need to get angry, it's not something I'm very good at.
The male friend is doing exactly that I suspect and could well reappear when I leave.

Thank you all, I will respond to all messages later, but I must get ready for work. That at least serves as a welcome distraction for a few hours, I'll be on later.

Rehab is the best period for you to get out as his family and key workers can build an appropriate care package for him before he leaves.

Prioritise yourself, you deserve to be happy, you do not deserve to be tied to a cheating and abusive man.

Rose I really feel for you. Caring for a disabled partner is hard and will test the most loving stable relationship.

You would NOT be heartless to leave this man who has treated you so very unkindly. The very fact that you are showing empathy for what's happened to him and are tearing yourself up trying to decide what to do shows that you are a very decent person.

If I were you I would find somewhere else to live and then take it from there, depending on what you want. You can still offer him care and support IF you want to, but this needs to be alongside care from his family and from whatever NHS/social services provide. Don't fall into the role of being main carer by default because that will make it so much more difficult for you to leave.

You MUST put yourself first.

If he's still in rehab for a couple of months than it's an ideal time to leave, not sit around waiting to have some conversation he'll just minimise and turn on you and guilt you. If you were my daughter, and I have only one left, I'd be gutted at her wasting her life on some abusive arsehole who cheated on her that she's not even married to. I'd feel I failed her and didn't teach her not to waste your life.

Because every second you spend around this sorry arsehole is just that.

What on Earth are you waiting for?

His family can't help? Bullshit.

At any rate, you aren't his family.