Fresh depths of hell -the worst got worse

[rosetintedbex]

I write to update on a situation from the summer which was at best unpleasant, that is now significantly worse.
In a nutshell, OH cheated, left, came back, lied when he said he'd stopped seeing the OW, ended it with her for good and like an idiot I continued the relationship though he was emotionally abusive and had terrible (non-physical) anger issues. I had been talking to a male friend who I'd become closer to and was planning to leave around the time this all happened, but wimped out at the last minute and ceased communication with the male friend, having never done anything but talk on the phone.
If you're still reading, thank you, this is long winded to say the least!
Jump to November last year, OH's contrite efforts had faded and I realised I'd made a mistake clinging on to a doomed relationship and got fed up with his irresponsible ways and disrespect. Started looking for somewhere to live, began talking to the male friend again.
Decided to get Christmas out of the way and then make my move. All good.
Early December, OH has massive stroke and subsequent last minute life saving neurosurgery after I was advised to inform his family they needed to come and say goodbye to him. As much as I wanted to save myself and get away from the relationship, I still care about him and certainly didn't wish this on him.
Ever since I have been a shining beacon of a supportive, caring, unconditionally loving partner, rallying him, his family and dealing with all of the fallout associated with his life changing long term illness.
I'm trapped.
Male friend had ceased contact, so I'm hurting over that loss.
The only two people I've confided in have said to not let his illness sway my decision and plans, but he is vulnerable, confused and reliant on me, as I know he surely will be for the rest of his life.
I can't add any more details about his family in case it identifies me, but they are unable to support him daily as I have been doing.
It feels like a life sentence just as I was about to free myself, but with him in this state, my stupid compassionate heart goes out to him and his gratitude for my care.
I just don't know what to do, the prognosis for him is fairly bleak long term and I've just been surviving day to day since this happened. I am very nearly at breaking point....

I stayed with an abusive man for longer than I should have and I believe it has made me ill so don't under estimate the impact of the stress you will be under.Added to this caring responsibilities its massive.

I separated from ex but had he stayed with me out of pity I would not want that at all.

It's a sad situation for find yourself in but I agree with a lot of PP, your life needs to make you happy. You don't need to feel obliged to care for him for the rest of his life.

I have just decided last week that I'm going to separate from my DH and it is going to be horrible. You've actually done me a massive favour because I imagined what my actions would be if I suddenly found myself in your predicament. In short, all the relationships problems I already have and the resentment i fee towards my DH would intensify and escalate. I think I see my future without my DH. I don't wish him ill and it is clear to us that you do not wish your OH ill either. If you have already made the decision that you wanted to leave the relationship, don't waiver. Be strong. think of your happiness and your value in this world. the male you mention that could have been a relationship was indicating to you that you wanted (in your heart) to move on, so please move on and make yourself happy.

Do not give up work
Do not offer to look after him

Do move out
Do tell care planners you cannot be there in his house. If he needs it they will arrange daily carers and he can claim relevant benefits

If he has to move elsewhere so be it.

You are not married and no dc.
You have barely been together more than a few years. You owe him nothing.
It s sad but he is not ypur problem
Just move on.

He us still the person who cheated and disrespect you.

Another one who understands your compassion and empathy BUT who is saying that now is when you need to prioritise yourself.

Make plans to leave now while he is in rehab. Tell him (having advised his treatment team in advance) so that they can support him.
THIS is the time as he has active support and is surrounded by carers who will support both his mental and physical health. If you wait until he comes out, then that is your life sentence. Your guilt about abandoning him will stop you walking away as you know that he will be isolated. If you are not available to be his 24 hour nurse, then his care will need to reflect that.

You are not abandoning him. He did that to you when he repeatedly cheated on you. He does not love you, he needs you (to care from him forever). He does not deserve you. Maybe the OW will step up to the plate or maybe he will need professional carers.

That was the choice he made when he decided to prioritise the OW. You must now make the choice that is best for you. Wishing you courage to make the decision that is best for you.

Sorry, is that a joke? He treated you like shit. The only place you were trapped is in your head. And the only person who is trapping you there is you.

I guess his new woman doesn't find him so atttactive now, eh?

If he is in rehab then actually it would be kinder to leave now than to wait longer, because it gives everybody the time to start working to the correct package of care, and address things that may need dealing with if they wont have you around on the outside to pick up the pieces. Also, if he is in rehab, he will have psychological support - something that will no doubt missing when he gets out, and they will be able to deal with any of the fallout.

Your problem is dealing with your own guilt, because you think that leaving someone when they are so ill is dreadful. And in normal circumstances, if you had a wonderful relationship and you were ONLY leaving because you didnt want to be bothered to look after them, might be justified. It would actually still be OK to do - a bit cruel, but still you would be able to do it because you do not need to sacrifice your life for anyone.
But that wasnt the case, was it. He had treated you absolutely awfully. He had said he would try and you gave him a second chance, but actually he had blown that too and was treating you badly again. So no guilt. No obligation. He had already renegaded on the relationship. Youve stood by through the worst, but now you need to carry on as you were and let the professional team know asap so they can get a care package in place, get any housing adaptations done (does he own the house - he may qualify for some specific housing / assisted living, but these things take time) and this again would be useful for them to start trying to put in place as soon as they can.

Absolutely inform the care planners, that prior to his stroke you were separating & this is still the case. They must not include you in the care package, you will be gone.
Above all, this is not leaving him with a supplementary dilemma of knowing how to manage. so a kinder than waiting
You are not married. financially you are not enmeshed hopefully.
Go live your life

Not read the full thread but just want to say, please leave (I've read enough to see that we're pretty much all thinking the same). Your precious life is what's at stake here. You owe him nothing. Him being in rehab is the best opportunity you could have to get yourself together.
I'd be really interested to hear how your day's been, you must have been reflecting on everything that's been said?
I knew someone who this same thing happened to, she was just about to leave when her H had a stroke; she stayed. I felt like I was watching someone make a colossal mistake out of martyrdom. Martyrdom is misplaced, it really isn't a growth-full choice.
Hope you've had a good day, rosetintedbex.

What if you took care of him for 5 years, then his health improved (i know that's unlikely) and then he left you for somebody else? If you'd split the month before and the OW didn't want to look after him, would you have gone back to be his carer?
I'd find it equally hard, but you do only get one life and I doubt he'd have devoted his life to caring for you given his track record.

Lots of other good advice here, but I'll just say one thing: I have discovered to my total astonishment (since I also have a bit of a complex around doing the Right Thing, even to the point of martyrdom) being selfish once in a while actually gets you more respect, if done firmly and without too much drama, than being scrupulously kind and fair. People can smell the wrongness when you're bending over backwards all the time.

I feel for you but you’ve had excellent advice. Don’t feel guilty.
My cheating, lying, emotionally abusive exh left me in 2006 after 2 years of hell ( and a 30 year marriage)

I was devastated and gutted but life has a funny way of working out. 6 years later when he had a really aggressive cancer naturally I would have been there supporting him. So, I didn’t have to endure that and becoming a widow at 62

By then, I was planning my wedding to my lovely fiancé of 6 years.

Rewind two years ago, my lovely husband had a small stroke.
He’s changed there’s no doubt about it. He’s still lovely but he tires and gets impatient which I don’t remember in our first 7 years.

This was only a small stroke. From what you say your oh has had something much more serious and you really don’t want to be on the receiving end of that.
To everyone else there’s not much discernible change but I notice the difference.

You owe him nothing. He doesn’t deserve your care.
Do it now...leave it and you’ll feel even more trapped.
Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks.

If you don't leave him before he gets out of hospital you will be trapped as his carer for ever.

Remember this, OP, for other people's opinions of you -

"what you think about me is none of my business"

"what you think about me is none of my business"

That's a good one, Teabay

Was coming back on to say the same thing as WhentoD.

Think ahead to how you'll feel when - and it will very likely be when - he is rehabitlitated enough to be back more of less to 'normal'. And he starts fucking around again, shits all over you and leaves?

Because common sense says that's exactly what will happen. He's a shit who is whining and crying now because he desperately needs someone to use. You wait and see how those tables turn when his health improves. Remember those foul tempers? They'll be back soon enough.

What will you have lost out on by then? The chance for a family? Financial security? Job progression?

If you let yourself be taken in by his desperate fishing for a carer then you are truly a fool. It's not what he says now. It's how he treated you when everything was equal - that is what will tell you how he really feels. Don't be that fool.

You can speak to the medical teams without letting him know - please do so and make them aware that you are separating and you are NOT going to be caring for him.

Just a small point, but I wonder if OP really could talk with the care team without him knowing? I'm trying to imagine the conversation:

CareTeam: We need to discuss your ongoing care on discharge
MrBex: Oh, I've got a really good partner; she'll be there for me
CareTeam: And what if she needs a break / anything happened to her?
MrBex: No, she's a very caring, responsible sort - she'll be okay
CareTeam: Errrrr .....

And if this is going to be done at all, isn't it better to have it all out in the open? After all, it''s not as if OP doesn't have good reason ...

Who owns the house or are you renting?
You need to leaver sooner rather than later otherwise you’re being sucked in his caring team. You already made your choice to leave based on HIS choice and the OW. Remember that!
You need to go and quickly.

You’ve had a lot of good advice. I will add one thing: unfortunately people very, very rarely get nicer after such a brain injury. On the whole they become frustrated, miserable, impatient and bitter. They may also become aggressive. This isn’t always the case, of course but just in case you are wavering, imagine a life of him but even worse than he used to be. Plus all the physical and emotional drain.

You must leave and tell everyone exactly why.

We all care about you Bex, hope the good advice of posters on here helps. How are you doing ?🌸

I was just coming on to say the same as Matilda. What if his health improved, but not enough to be "desirable" to any other women. he will very likely be angry, depressed & utterly would to you.
I know of a man in this situation, his partner is so unhappy, She often visits my MIL crying, He has recovered most of his mind, but limps badly & one arm paralysed. He drives again now.
He has a filthy temper & financially abusive, They aren't married, but she had pooled her finances with him & lives in his house. He is leaving all HIS things to his daughter including the house.

"utterly vile to you", sorry

You can be sure you would be suffering the same horrendous crippling guilt if you have left before his stroke, as if your leaving had caused it!

It hasn’t got to be one or the other. It might be possible for you to be involved out of a sense of compassion, but to make sure that you have plenty of time to yourself and forge e new life away from him.
What I mean is leaving doesn’t have to mean without a backward glance. You can leave by setting new boundaries to your relationship.
This is the position that I am in - living with my ex husband, but we both have independent lives. It is working well for us although I acknowledge that it can be very difficult unless you are assertive and clear with him and his family.
You divorce, you share the house, his family with your input organise carers. You must be absolutely clear with social services that he is your ex and you are not his primary carer.
So there is hope.

They are not married though Iris and he is emotionally abusive so really not a good idea to stick around.