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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fresh depths of hell -the worst got worse

99 replies

rosetintedbex · 11/01/2018 01:16

I write to update on a situation from the summer which was at best unpleasant, that is now significantly worse.
In a nutshell, OH cheated, left, came back, lied when he said he'd stopped seeing the OW, ended it with her for good and like an idiot I continued the relationship though he was emotionally abusive and had terrible (non-physical) anger issues. I had been talking to a male friend who I'd become closer to and was planning to leave around the time this all happened, but wimped out at the last minute and ceased communication with the male friend, having never done anything but talk on the phone.
If you're still reading, thank you, this is long winded to say the least!
Jump to November last year, OH's contrite efforts had faded and I realised I'd made a mistake clinging on to a doomed relationship and got fed up with his irresponsible ways and disrespect. Started looking for somewhere to live, began talking to the male friend again.
Decided to get Christmas out of the way and then make my move. All good.
Early December, OH has massive stroke and subsequent last minute life saving neurosurgery after I was advised to inform his family they needed to come and say goodbye to him. As much as I wanted to save myself and get away from the relationship, I still care about him and certainly didn't wish this on him.
Ever since I have been a shining beacon of a supportive, caring, unconditionally loving partner, rallying him, his family and dealing with all of the fallout associated with his life changing long term illness.
I'm trapped.
Male friend had ceased contact, so I'm hurting over that loss.
The only two people I've confided in have said to not let his illness sway my decision and plans, but he is vulnerable, confused and reliant on me, as I know he surely will be for the rest of his life.
I can't add any more details about his family in case it identifies me, but they are unable to support him daily as I have been doing.
It feels like a life sentence just as I was about to free myself, but with him in this state, my stupid compassionate heart goes out to him and his gratitude for my care.
I just don't know what to do, the prognosis for him is fairly bleak long term and I've just been surviving day to day since this happened. I am very nearly at breaking point....

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/01/2018 08:43

Except you aren't planning to leave. You're sitting around waiting for him to get out of rehab. Then it will be really hard to leave. And you'll be expected to give up work.

And you haven't told your family he cheated and was emotionally abusive to you but his family know about it? Of course they are glad you reconciled. They have FA concern for you and your life. They care nothing for you. They're happy to fob their own relative off on you because they don't give a shit what happens to you.

God, this is the stuff of nightmares! I have nightmares my child will wind up with someone like this and waste her life being subject to a twat like this.

How terribly upsetting that good people like you are crushed underfoot by utter wankers like this man.

Dutchoma · 11/01/2018 09:00

I didn’t realise he was still in rehab and is being cared for professionally. If you do want to leave then now is the time to loosen ties and make it clear that you will not become his full time carer once he is out of rehab.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 11/01/2018 09:08

If he's in rehab and you are working, so have some cash, I would prioritise some counselling to unpick your feelings. You don't have to leave him today. You can spend the next month physically recovering (no matter what, you've had a huge shock) and working on your own mental state. Then you make your decision (and hopefully your move).

Your head is a mess - no wonder - and that's making you feel clouded - sort the head, rest and recuperate (I'd actually suggest not visiting him at all for the next month) and then I think you'll find the clarity you need.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/01/2018 09:11

You've had some great advice.
You already know you need some counselling.
Please do get some.
I would also recommend you do the Womens Aid Freedom Programme when you can.
You know you can do this.
It will be hard and you will feel like crap doing it.
But this is your one shot at life.
Don't waste on this lying cheating scumbag.

NewYearNiki · 11/01/2018 09:40

You called him oh not dh.

If that is right and you going go be his lifetime carer and then not be entitled to inherit a thing as you aren't married.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 11/01/2018 09:51

I've read the full thread, and I'm pretty sure you've got this Bex, and I think it will be straight forward, but in order for it to be a relatively painless exit, it'll take time.
However, @BerkinBag has a very valid, and not to be ignored, point.
Could you confide in whoever is dealing with his care package.

midsummabreak · 11/01/2018 11:33

His family are glad that you have teconciled after his ongoing abuse and his affair? Perhaps they would also understand if you could not reconcile. Perhaps your family would also expect you to leave after his abuse and the affair. Who cares how others view your life and choices, anyway, PhoebeMac & others are right , you must put yourself first and can not pretend that your partner is not an abusive cheat

midsummabreak · 11/01/2018 11:34

*reconciled not teconciled

VeganIan · 11/01/2018 11:39

Go, go now while he's in rehab. Unless you can guarantee the rehab is going to stop him being an arse... oh wait, no. The only reason he's not still cheating on you or being a nasty shit to you is that he's been ill.

The best thing for all is for you to go NOW, so that any care plans etc that are worked out are based on him being a single man.

If you have any doubts, imagine the sense of relief that will wash over you when you realise you are no longer trapped with him.

midsummabreak · 11/01/2018 11:42

Yes SugarPie & BerkinBag are on the ball. It is important to discuss with rehab staff that he will be living alone on discharge home. You could say that you were discussing to split due to his abuse & affair & hope to support him to be set up appropriately prior to your pre- discussed split.

thenightsky · 11/01/2018 12:02

His keyworkers and rehab team will be working on a discharge care package right now. Please make sure you are not part of that package in any way. Attend the meetings, write, email, phone... make it clear that you are not to be factored in in any way shape or form.

Dozer · 11/01/2018 12:08

Yes, get out.

His situation is sad but he doesn’t deserve your care.

StrictlyPannnn · 11/01/2018 12:13

Agree with all posters above.

Timing is everything. Tell those people who will be managing his care to NOT include you in the process. You have a life to live, not dribble down a loo.

ButtPlugInMyHalloweenHaul · 11/01/2018 12:14

Hadn't copped on to the fact you are not even married. Do you own property jointly or are you renting etc.? Obviously if he doesn't have capacity it makes it all more difficult but I would do whatever I had to to get out of this clean. Get legal advice if you have a rental contract etc. or if you jointly own a house what happens if he can't sign any agreements etc. but you are protected in law I am sure. Walk away. There is no way he would care for you if the roles were reversed. That is total bollocks and just for his trotting out that tired old line I would get rid! He could live for decades in an incapacitated way when you owe him sweet FA. No no no no no get out ASAP and tell your family and anyone else exactly why. Let OW step up or not, who cares. Treat him the way he has treated you. He doesn't suddenly become a nice bloke cos he has had a stroke! I'd bet my bra strap OW doesn't show her face though!

user1497863568 · 11/01/2018 12:21

Leave

category12 · 11/01/2018 12:40

When I read that you've only been together 6 years, I kinda rushed to comment - he's put you through all this and now you feel obliged through compassion and social pressure to stick it out and look after him? Please don't. You don't owe him a thing. His family and social services will have to step up in your absence. Don't worry about what people say, you deserve more in life.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/01/2018 12:51

Now is the time to take stock and I do have the time and space to do that as he'll be in rehab for at least a couple of months

If his means, as it seems to, that he's actually living elsewhere then you'll never have a better time to leave someone to whom you have no obligations at all - not even the promises of marriage

As PPs have said, you need to tell the care planners that you simply won't be available on any basis and leave them to liaise with the family, paid carers or whoever else is deemed appropriate. Vital, too, to refuse any suggestions of looking after him "just while we get things in place ..." as once he's back home your best opportunity would be lost

Faced with having to step up his family will certainly call you names, but that can't be helped and hopefully you'll no longer have to see them either in your new and much better future

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 11/01/2018 12:53

fuck. really sorry to hear about this.

On a practical level, as pointed out above, the period whilst he is in rehab is the period for him/his family/his carers to plan his future.

So in a way it would be worse for him if you wait?

If there are any social workers or similar on the thread they may be able to advise whether you can tell the sw of your intentions without them breaking the news to your OH just now. Because then his social worker would also have a view on the merits of informing his family early on. I think the "care" team will want to know sooner rather than later.

Do you think he will be able to live independently/earn a living?

FizzyGreenWater · 11/01/2018 12:58

You've only been together SIX YEARS?

I take it you don't have children?

My God. I tell you - if this had happened to you he would have walked away without a fucking backward glance! You know that though, he'd already shown in spades just how little he gave a shit.

Best thing that ever happened to him? Yeah right - shit scared more like.

bloody hell op, LEAVE. He's a total scumbag - please don't waste your life doing this. You owe him less than bugger all.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/01/2018 13:04

Just a further point about being asked to look after him "while we get things put in place" ... please be aware that care planners can be very, very convincing in pursuit of getting boxes ticked

No doubt some fool even themselves that proper help's available, but too often you'll be promised the earth if you'll just agree to such and such, only to find that all you'll actually get is regretful murmurs about what they'd like to do if it wasn't for the "terrible cuts"

Please look after yourself - because in such a situation it's unlikely anyone else will

gunsandbanjos · 11/01/2018 13:05

What a dreadful situation, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

My personal opinion is that you should walk away.
Had this happened to a loving caring man who you cherished and it was wholeheartedly reciprocated then I’d say stay, and you wouldn’t be having this dilemma anyway.

However you were already ready to walk, he has treated you with contempt in your relationship. You owe him nothing.

Honestly? In your heart of hearts do you think he’d look after you if the tables were turned?

SistersOfPercy · 11/01/2018 13:05

I think you need to stop putting one person into two boxes if that makes sense.
You are seeing 2 people. A sick, needy partner and a man who treated you like shit. They are the same person. The fact that he's ill now hasn't changed anything really.
Get out. This is your life and it's vanishingly short. Don't waste it on this man.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 11/01/2018 13:13

OP you must do what is best for you.

However I do know two men who out of the blue started behaving really badly, left their wives etc and then pretty much immediately one was diagnosed with a brain tumour, the other had a massive stroke. So I do believe that sometimes these illnesses can be the cause of bad behaviour.

pudding21 · 11/01/2018 13:21

Hi OP: you say he has improved cognitively, by that do you mean he can remember and understand the situation you were in just before his stroke? How is he physically?

Did his family know about him leaving and the OW etc? If I were you I would have a good chat with the rehab team to know the situation and have an honest chat with the family. You don't have to withdraw your support completely if that will make you feel bad. You have all the reasons to walk away and not look back, but I get the sense you are a very caring person and to do that might upset your own integrity. But you are not trapped, the hospital/ rehab will have to build a care package and like others have said that is best not to factor you in that recovery at all. Take some distance and some space. Make it clear what your plans were pre stroke.

How old are you both out of interest? The threat of losing someone can jolt you into a decision, it sounds like you really do still want out, so don't undermine your own life for staying out of a false sense of responsibility.

Good luck, must be a right mind fuck having this all going on and all the stuff before your split in the first place.

pudding21 · 11/01/2018 13:22

BY the way, I left my emotionally abusive ex in Feb last year. I saw him yesterday and thought how much he had aged and his health doesn't seem great (hes a drinker) and we live abroad. I actually thought to myself he has no-one here and if he did become sick, would I end up having to care for him? Its so tough.