i think i'm in an abusive relationship

[Jadexxx]

Hi ladies, this is my first time posting i'm 20 years old with a beautiful 4 month old girl, the reason for my post is my relationship. i've been with my partner (he's 30) for 2 years now, and things have gotten progressively worse, i'm called names all the time, made to feel useless and ugly. I'm mixed race and he's called me a 'fat n*gga' on many occasions. He has called me fat saggy and disgusting and lots of other things and has grabbed me round the throat a few times and spat on me. 4 days after i gave birth he said i looked vile whilst in labour and that he and the midwife were secretly laughing at me :( . i don't want to be with this man anymore but every time i've tried to leave he tells me i'm being pathetic and overreacting, then he cries and begs me not to take his daughter away and i give in :( his mother also agreed with him and says i'm too young to understand a proper relationship but surely a proper relationship is with love and respect and not one half of it feeling depressed most of the time? i don't think i'd be here anymore if it wasn't for my daughter. i don't really know what i'm looking for maybe just advice on how to leave or what to do, and maybe a bit of reassurance that this actually is an abusive relationship? thanks in advance for any replies.

I think you're in an abusive relationship too. You are absolutely not over-reacting. I'm sorry I can't help with the practicalities of leaving but I'm sure others will be along with some advice.

for you.

Most definitely abusive!!! And his mother is an enabling cow. All the begging you not to leave because of 'his' daughter is an act.

Have you anywhere you can go? If you have family or friends you can go to, pack a bag and go. Don't discuss it with him first, just go. If you have no support ring Woman's Aid. The sooner you can escape the better. I fear that this will only get worse. You need to protect yourself and protect your daughter.

you're absolutely in an abusive relationship Sweetheart.. sending best wishes.. I'm sure someone with experience in this type of issue will be along soon

This is absolutely an emotionally & physically abusive retail ship and your partner sounds awful & frankly quite nasty piece of work . Do you have anyone you can turn to? You have your whole life ahead of you don't waste it on this man or let your baby grown up in this toxic environment. Could you & baby leave tomorrow if need be? I'd suggest calling Women's Aid in the first instance but I'm sure someone with experience will come along with specifics or more detail.

Take care of yourself and be careful as I've seen people on here warn that when a women starts wising up to the abuse/considering a way out and is rumbled by partner it can often escalate abuse quite rapidly.

You are in an abusive relationship. Have you thought about contacting one of the domestic violence services (Women's aid)? There'll probably be posters/info at your local Gp surgery or children's centre. If you could talk to your health visitor too, if you feel able. Your partner is behaving appallingly, criminally even and is lying and and manipulating you to try and control you. It's not your fault (the Midwives weren't laughing at you either). I hope you have people around you who you can talk to. Good luck

Find out as much as you can about support before leaving and make sure you and your daughter are safe. Keep a diary of anything he or his family say that makes you feel bad. Keep any messages you receive.
I'm
Sure there will be someone along who can give you support network advice. You are being strong. You can do this.

Pack some stuff and leave. No forwarding address.

Of course it's abusive. Ask yourself, would you be happy if your daughter was treated like this in the future?
In proper relationships people feel loved and supported and their partners don't call them names and don't try to make them feel bad.

thanks for the responses everyone!! the leaving part i find easy ive done it so many times it's just staying gone i struggle with. i go to my mums and he comes round and knocks on the door, rings me constantly, so that i end up speaking to him again and give in when he begs me not to leave him:( when i block his number he rings me off unknown numbers, i've reported him to the police for it before and they arrested him for harassment but i felt soo bad about it i went and picked him up from the bloody police station, feel like such an idiot for getting myself into this situation i just want to be happy again :( i don't want my daughter growing up around this at all i know what i need to do i think i just need help finding the strength to do it. i have a family nurse who is kind of like a health visitor coming tomorrow so i might try to pluck the courage up to tell her

Jade I found it hard to read your post and to hear of someone treating you so appallingly. Well done for taking this first step! I suspect that, having written this down, you now know that your partner is abusive, but if you are looking for further confirmation, you could take a look at the Womens Aid website where they have a 'checklist': www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/. The fact that your partner's mother is taking his side is irrelevant - perhaps she doesn't know how he treats you or there could be a host of other reasons. She also doesn't want to lose her grandchild. I think you understand very well what a 'proper relationship' should be, so please keep that in your sights. Above all your daughter needs a mummy who is happy and loved and respected.
There's lots of other useful information on the Women's Aid website too, including details of the National Domestic Abuse helpline: 0808 2000 247 24, which is open 24/7. Hoping you can get the support you need and sending in the meantime.

You are totally in an abusive relationship. You and your daughter deserve to be treated well. This situation will not get better, potentially worse. Please leave him. You can find details online for somewhere to go if you don't have family or friends to help. Think about your daughter growing up and witnessing this behaviour. If you ever need to question if his behaviour is acceptable, ask yourself if you would be happy for your daughter to be treated like this by a man. Best of luck. X

Please get advice and protect yourself and your daughter I've seen this before close to my heart, thankfully they got help, this ain't a life to live in fear etc take essentials and go without him knowing might be easier

He is hurting you.
You sound kind.
Last time, even the police believed you and helped you.
They will do it again.
Go to your mum's, tell her you're not going back, and don't speak to him.
Ring 101 and say that you're going to leave him and go you your mum's address but that you are worried after last time - they will make a note on the file, and the marker on your mum's address means they'll prioritise your call.
Oh, and his mum's a nightmare - leave her too!

He is abusing you, his mum clearly doesn't understand a proper relationship if she thinks what he is doing is a relationship

You need to leave him, stay with your mum and stay strong, don't go back to him he sounds horrible!!

Hi OP
It definitely is abusive, and grabbing you by the throat is considered to be a very high risk behaviour that police and support services would worry about. Please speak to Womens Aid or similar asap. Good luck and best wishes.

i'm going to tell my family nurse today and see what she recommends i do, thanks ladies x

Yes tell the nurse.
Getting it out there makes it more real and easier to face up to.
Please contact Womens Aid. Call them on 0808 2000 247
They can help you with an exit plan.
They can also put you in touch with local services to help support you through the split.
And please do their Freedom Programme as soon as you can.
You need to get out and you need to do it now.
Next time he puts his hands around your throat (by the way the this is the biggest red flag and is well know to police etc....) he could kill you.
You are still so young and have every chance of building a new life.
The fact you need to ask is very worrying.
What was your upbringing like?
Because none of this normal or part of a healthy relationship.
Get packed and get to your mums and then get some proper help from organisations that can help you avoid abusive men in the future.
Take back control of YOUR life and that of your DD.
She has no choice in all this and it is your job to protect her from abuse.
And YES it is classed as abusing a child if they are in an abusive environment.
She WILL choose someone just like your partner.
What would you say to her??
You'd tell her to get the hell out.
So do just that for you and your DD.
If you talk to social services as well that will help you keep away.
Stop falling for his bullshit.
Ignore, block, delete. If he calls from an unknown number then hang up immediately.
If he comes to your mums home then call the police.
Get out before he kills you and you become just another statistic!

Hi Jade. As people have said before grabbing by the throat is high risk, it doesn't take much pressure if someone happens to catch you at the wrong angle to restrict your breathing.

It doesn't only affect you, but it will have a massive emotional effect on your daughter if you stay. I've worked with children who have been traumatised by past events for years now and the impact of growing up in a household with domestic abuse is huge.

You've said it's easy to leave so that's good. To help with following through can I suggest the following.

1. Write everything down. Make a list of everything he has ever done to you. Names he has called you, times he has grabbed you, any times he has hit you. Does he tell you what to wear? What to spend? Does he control all the money?

When you leave take this list to the local women's aid office or women's centre. You'll be able to so a course called the Freedom Programme there which is about lots of things including building up confidence to remain separated from an abuser.

1. Go to the police and explain you've left an abusive relationship, show them the list. They'll be able to advise on what they can do from there. However they'll have the background to help when he starts harassing you.

Obviously you know that next time you need to call the police again when he starts harassing you and follow through with it this time. It's so difficult because he's been a huge part of your life and part of your brain will be telling you to go back to him because you've come bonded through hugely emotional experiences such as having his child. You need to remind yourself why you're separating.

Perhaps someone who's been through similar can help by explaining how they managed to follow through when separating.

I forgot to write a 2 for the women's aid paragraph

As pps have said , please call women's aid and make a plan to leave safely.

Good luck Jade

I would bet my house on the fact his dad treated his mum in a similar way...

Leave! Today

Get out and get you and child to safety. A real relationship does not involve disgusting insults, degredation and violence.

@user1499786242 his dad treated his mum awfully in the past, calling her names and wasn't very nice to him either, then his mum cheated on his dad and that's just a whole other can of worms he's never forgiven his mum for it and had bad trust issues m

@newdaylight the affect it'll have on my daughter is the thing i'm worried about the most, i can't have her grow up thinking this is normal, especially the racist things he says to me. i've said to him before that our daughter is half me but he says she looks white so it doesn't matter. i want out so badly but i don't want to fail at leaving him again every single time i come back i feel more pathetic but he just makes me feel so bad for him. i'm going to ring women's aid today thank you for your advice

Yes this is an abusive relationship.

Try to stay strong for your daughter. Would you want her to be in this type of relationship? You will be her model for how relationships work - be strong for her.

Good luck.