i think i'm in an abusive relationship

[Jadexxx]

Hi ladies, this is my first time posting i'm 20 years old with a beautiful 4 month old girl, the reason for my post is my relationship. i've been with my partner (he's 30) for 2 years now, and things have gotten progressively worse, i'm called names all the time, made to feel useless and ugly. I'm mixed race and he's called me a 'fat n*gga' on many occasions. He has called me fat saggy and disgusting and lots of other things and has grabbed me round the throat a few times and spat on me. 4 days after i gave birth he said i looked vile whilst in labour and that he and the midwife were secretly laughing at me :( . i don't want to be with this man anymore but every time i've tried to leave he tells me i'm being pathetic and overreacting, then he cries and begs me not to take his daughter away and i give in :( his mother also agreed with him and says i'm too young to understand a proper relationship but surely a proper relationship is with love and respect and not one half of it feeling depressed most of the time? i don't think i'd be here anymore if it wasn't for my daughter. i don't really know what i'm looking for maybe just advice on how to leave or what to do, and maybe a bit of reassurance that this actually is an abusive relationship? thanks in advance for any replies.

You need to ask yourself
Do you want your daughter growing up and thinking this is acceptable? Because she will unless you leave, and then she will end up in an abusive relationship and then any children she may have will end up in an abusive relationship...
You need to break the cycle
You deserve so so much more!

New year means that Womens Aid are very busy.
So please do keep trying until you get through.
It will your 1st step to freedom from abuse for you and your DD.
Google 'cycle of abuse'
Your DD will choose a man like this if you stay.
It will be her 'normal'

okay i've left. i'm at my mums at the moment. i haven't told him i've gone, not sure if that was the right thing to do or if i should tell him before he gets back to us gone? my mums isn't far from where we live either so i'm worried he's going to come round and i'm also waiting for the ringing and texting to start, i'm so anxious about it all and really want to stick to my guns this time. thank you everyone for giving me the confidence to do this fingers crossed this is the start of a new life for me and my baby

Well done Jade.

If he rings up refuse to answer the phone and if he comes round phone the police straight away. Say you have left an abusive relationship and he is now harassing you.

You can get through this! Were you able to get through to Women's Aid? If not keep trying.

Just keep thinking about your daughter. You don't want her to think this is normal and she should expect this from a relationship. Every time he starts his bullshit look at your innocent little girl and remember you're giving her a better life!!

Stay strong

Well done.
It takes an average abuse victim 7-14 attempts to properly leave, so many on here understand what you are going through.
Please give your phone to your mum if you can.
Let her 'vet' all calls and texts.
Or just switch it off for the rest of the evening and enjoy some peace.
Just one more text to him.
'Leave me alone. Do not attempt to visit me. I will be in touch with you regarding access to DD. I am blocking you now.'
Job done. You don't have to block him. Evidence of his harassment and abuse is what you may need in the future, so keep anything he sends. Just don't look at it today or tonight.
If he comes round then call the police immediately!!!!

Is it possible to turn your phone off completely Jade? That way you can put it all out of mind for a few hours at least while you get your head around it.

If your mum is in, perhaps you could do something nice this evening together - watch the TV with headphones on so you don't have to listen to the door knocking?!

Stick to it, OP. Otherwise you are conditioning your child to a cycle of abuse - your EXpartners father abused his wife, your EXpartner abuses you - it becomes normal. And then it will become your dds normal, if you go back.

Stay strong, for her.

Don't let his crocodile tears sway you - he has brought this on himself. Don't hesitate to get the Police involved again - sometimes it's the only authority they listen to! (When they Have to!)
He may have rights (Is he on the birth certificate?) to access - in which case, get legal advice. If he has been cautioned for violence, he may be granted 'supervised access' only.

Get CSA on the case - he should be paying support for your dd.

And yes - get your mum, HV, SW, womens aid, on side. Inform everyone that you and he have broken up due to his vile abuse (and I'm pretty sure that using the foul and derogatory 'N' word is illegal?)

Tell the Police that he tried to strangle you - it is a HUGE red flag and will be taken seriously. And SO SHOULD YOU (take it seriously) - it is VERY easy to kill like this.

this is a SEVERELY abusive relationship Jade, not just a little bit. The way he treats you is hideous. He treats you with utter contempt. He obviously has a need to keep you around as his little punchbag. He is fucked up.

YOU are the only one that can change this cycle. Stop letting him back. You will be failing your daughter if you allow her to grow up with this

And I think I would text him to say you have left him, he is NOT to contact you, it is over.

Please don't see him - this is a dangerous time for you and your dd; when they feel the control slipping, they might (and do) get violent. Don't answer the door, don't agree to see him, or go for a chat/drink/drive. Don't be alone with him.

If you feel threatened, call the Police. Tell them you have left an abusive relationship and are feeling threatened and vulnerable - and you have a tiny baby with you.

This is so painful to read. I'm absolutely sick of men at the moment, there is so much abuse against women out there.

The reason he picked you was because you were young, had, probably a lack of self esteem, were kind and put others first and he probably thought you wouldn't defend yourself and would be easy to manipulate. Don't be the weak little mouse he thinks you are, find your inner lioness.

Fuck this pathetic little man, fuck his manipulative tears, fuck his enabling mother, fuck his view of you as his punchbag. You are so much more. You are strong, you know that because despite what he's done, he's not broken you. You are a mother, you need to protect your daughter from this toxic waste of skin, and you need to protect yourself from him.

Make 2018 the year you demand more for yourself, the year you demand respect, the year you are only kind and giving and forgiving to those who deserve it.

Please look after yourself, call the police if he comes round, do not talk to him. Change your phone number if you can? Some networks will change your phone number for you if you tell them you're being stalked or harassed. Therapy in the long term may help you find some inner strength and belieif in yourself too.

MN is a fantastic resource too, so use it. Any moments of weakness or self doubt, just come back here and you will find support and strength.

This is totally abusive and racist, you need to get out now before this escalates into physical violence and it will.
Don't feel bad for him. He is an abuser, if he wanted to keep you he would stop being an abuser and he isn't stopping or making any effort to stop either.
he isn't helpless, he can stop doing this any time he wants and he isn't.

Turn your phone off until you can get a new SIM card so he won't have your number at all.

Make sure your mum and everyone else knows what he has done, and they can help run interference or ring the police if he turns up.

Well done Jade, you have done the right thing. Don't go back, decent normal people don't spit on their partners or put their hands on their throat and the emotional abuse is horrific. I hope you and your daughter remain safe xx

so the texting has started at 5 and hasn't stopped since. the only messages i've replies too are about our daughter, everything else i've ignored, he seems to think that it's the health visitors fault that this has happened for putting it in my head that i'm being abused.. he can't see that it's actually him at fault. it's difficult but i'm trying soo hard to be strong, hopefully it'll get easier soon and he'll start to accept that it's for real this time, thanks again for all your support i really wasn't expecting it having never used this site before, you're all lovely thank you so much

Well done, you are being strong and brave.
..keep ignoring him and keep safe. You don't owe him anything. Hope you have plenty of real life support and Women's Aid are worth contacting. Bravo xx

Get legal advice. I can't stress this enough - know where you stand and where he stands.

Find out what you can expect for and from him. And don't give him an inch more.

Get Team Jade behind you. You will need them in your corner. As soon as he realises that Mr 'nice', coaxing, tears and pleading don't work, it'll be threats. And anger. Hopefully that will persuade you that you are doing the Right thing! But these things go in cycles - nice, angry, threats, tears, nice again - I would bet my house on it.

Don't fall for it - in fact, if you give in and go back again, it's just pandering to him. And the cycle will get worse - because 'it can't be so bad if you keep going back, can it?' So it gets worse. Because he can.

Well done. Please don’t go back, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. This is his fault, if he was a nice human being who treated you with the respect and love you deserve he could have kept you, instead he decided to abuse you and expected you to take it. Prove him wrong, your worth so much more and this way your daughter won’t grow up seeing her Mum being abused and think it’s normal.

Block his number so he can't contact you. Get a new SIM card for your phone so he can't contact you from anybody else's phone.

If he comes round ring the police.

Stay strong. You're doing really well.

Hi jade, well done for leaving. You've made a huge and brave step.

I work in frontline domestic violence services so can offer you advice if you want to message me.

Ring the National DV helpline if you feel there is nowhere safe for you to go and want to seek help from a refuge. Or they can get you some support living out of a refuge too.

Stay strong and make sure your location is as hidden as possible. The period when fleeing can be dangerous for survivors x

Firstly well done you for leaving. He was and is abusive, no doubt about that. And his mother is an enabler.

If he comes to your moms, don't answer the door and tell your mom not to answer the door.

You can block his number, but if he hides his caller ID you can't block that. If you can change your number do it.

Also if you have an iPhone you can set your phone to Do Not Disturb and only allow calls from people in your Favourites list. (So you can add numbers like your mom, health visitor etc to your favourites so their calls will always come through and everyone else will go to voicemail. Texts will still come through but not make any noise). It's not ideal but it's an extra step you can take if you decide not to change your number.

Stand your ground! Whenever you have a wobble and even contemplate feeling bad, think about your daughter and what going back would do to her.

Stay strong!!

Don't feel sorry for this man when he begs you .You have to be strong and get out