i think i'm in an abusive relationship

[Jadexxx]

Hi ladies, this is my first time posting i'm 20 years old with a beautiful 4 month old girl, the reason for my post is my relationship. i've been with my partner (he's 30) for 2 years now, and things have gotten progressively worse, i'm called names all the time, made to feel useless and ugly. I'm mixed race and he's called me a 'fat n*gga' on many occasions. He has called me fat saggy and disgusting and lots of other things and has grabbed me round the throat a few times and spat on me. 4 days after i gave birth he said i looked vile whilst in labour and that he and the midwife were secretly laughing at me :( . i don't want to be with this man anymore but every time i've tried to leave he tells me i'm being pathetic and overreacting, then he cries and begs me not to take his daughter away and i give in :( his mother also agreed with him and says i'm too young to understand a proper relationship but surely a proper relationship is with love and respect and not one half of it feeling depressed most of the time? i don't think i'd be here anymore if it wasn't for my daughter. i don't really know what i'm looking for maybe just advice on how to leave or what to do, and maybe a bit of reassurance that this actually is an abusive relationship? thanks in advance for any replies.

@Barnyforever i'm fine at the moment thanks me and baby are at my mums, the texts have stopped for now i think he thinks i'm asleep but i'll update in the morning. i'm determined to do it this time. my baby girl deserves better than this X

It's good to hear that.
You are doing this for both of you.
Please contact women's aid in the morning.
Try to get a bit of sleep.
Keep ignoring him tomorrow.

You both deserve better. Have you got a few phrases you could learn off by heart eg. I'm not ready to talk to you yet. "Please give me a couple of weeks of space if you respect me. I don't want you to text me. You can speak to my mum to arrange time with the baby." Try to be out if he comes round to see daughter. See if he can respect your boundaries at all.

Well done for getting out!

I'm not the best for giving advice, but having read plenty on MN, If I were you I would prepare myself for him changing his tactics. He will most likely throw in suicide threats etc to guilt you in to coming back. I think it's referred to as the script, and I'm sure a wise MNer will be able to link you to more info on it. Read it, because time and time again abusers appear to follow the same patterns. Being prepared should help you deal with that.

He won't accept you've left, but that is not your problem. Get the police involved if you need to. Suicide threat? Call the police and send them round to check on him. Things like that.

All the very best. You sound very lovely and a great mum

How are things @Jadexxx ?

well done lovely..

@thisgirlrides we're still at my mums! had minimal contact with him, i refuse to reply to any message that doesn't involve our daughter and have said that we can arrange contact through his mum and it can be at his mums because he doesn't know how to look after her at all. it's starting to feel so much more real now i feel so free :)

Well done!

Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re being amazing!

Well done Jade, you're doing the right thing.

WELL DONE JADE. You are doing brilliantly. Fuck him and his pathetic mother. He is vile. You will come out the other side of this stronger. Take no bullshit.

Well done Jade. In time do things to build your self esteem. That is key. You and your daughter deserve the best. Be alone for now and concentrate on your health & your wealth x

Good luck Jade! Once you become a Mum it makes you so much stronger!! X

Well done! I'm new to the thread but I just wanted to add a voice of support and say how well you've done. Keep strong - you'll be so happy in the end!

I read up to "fat n*gga"...LTB!!!

Hope your ok jade. Just reading this now made me so sad. But you sound strong so please stay strong. You have your whole life ahead of you and you will meet someone who will adore you and treat you with respect. This man is disgusting and vile and definitely abusive. We are here to talk so keep posting x

Hi Jade,
I've been following your thread and worrying about how you're doing. The ladies on here are pretty amazing and have tons of info that blows my mind. I wish I would have had them at my back almost 30years ago. I was in your shoes. The kind of abuse that he is levelling at you (the name calling/ignoring/snide remarks) is the first phase of the abuse, making you feel like nothing and it always escalates into worse and violent behaviour. What's scary to me is that his escalation went very quickly to physical violence (the hands around the neck gave me chills - that is a life threatening act and he just did it to the wife of his newborn! Please be very careful with protecting your life and the life of your precious little girl. She needs you safe, calm and unafraid. You will be that person once you move on and protect yourself and babe. Good luck with it all! I know it's hard, but am some point you will smile and breath the free air, and know that you are safe and strong

How are you this morning Jade?

@ThankGodItsFriday what's LBT?? haven't quite caught up with the lingo yet lol

@ThankGodItsFriday LTB i mean

@ThankGodItsFriday i'll get it right one of these times

@brokenways sorry for not getting back sooner, i've been doing quite well in between bouts of guilt for taking my daughter away from her dad i know it's for the best but i just keep thinking imagine if someone took her from me, silly thoughts because he's a horrible man and tbh doesn't deserve his daughter. but i'm sure it'll get easier, his texts have died down a bit but are still multiple times a day, probably 20 instead of 70 a day now! it's all being ignored i'm determined this time :)

Hugs for you jade xxx

Please get legal advice about him having contact with your daughter, just make sure he can’t keep her and use her as a way to get you to go home, my ex did that to me, he wouldn’t return my daughter who was 3 months, I shouldnt have let him have her while she was so little. I had to go back and leave again 😢 stay safe xxxxx

That sounds very much like an abusive relationship op. Please leave and make a better life for you and you dd

@captainjackandjill you're right everyone on here is amazing and i'm so shocked by the response! i wish i'd of posted sooner maybe i would of felt confident enough to leave him months ago, i'm doing okay just feeling slightly guilty at times for taking his daughter away as that's what he keeps messaging me about, but when he's done this before and i've let him see her he just uses it as a way to speak to me and beg me back, because i won't let him have her on his own he doesn't know how to look after her, but i'm staying strong this time and ignoring all messages. i'm going to contact social services about him seeing her. can't wait til this is all just a bad dream

Stay strong Jade. He is definitely abusing you. His behaviour is disgusting. Do not let him do this to you.