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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

oh i feel so rubbish now.

106 replies

Orlandointhewilderness · 08/01/2018 15:04

I'm with a lovely guy. i've known him for years and our friendship changed into something else a year and a half ago. i have a 6 year old dd who loves him to bits. he is very cautious by nature and careful about everything.

i live just over an hours drive and due to him working serious hours i am always the one to drive over to his. we go over typically on a friday night then come back sunday. during this time, i see him for friday night and sat morning then an hour when he gets in sat and the rest of the time he is out. i did used to go over midweek as well but it just was exhausting. i work as well and have horses etc and tbh life has been hard through these last 2 winters and i have really felt the pressure. i also live with my parents.

He typically hates talking in real terms about the future. he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and talks about long term, but if i broach the short term (i did about 5 months ago for the first time) he is so uncomfortable and clearly not happy talking about it. I've had a shit couple of days and today i told him that i had something i wanted to ask him and could we be serious for a min. he said he was nervous but as long as i wouldn't get offended if he gave the wrong answer. i then asked he is he would please give some thought to us moving in together in the summer. he said we will discuss it later and he thought it would have been something like this.

he doesn't want to does he. at all i think. we would have been together for 2 years by then and i would have known him well for 5. he has lived with his previous gf but he so obviously doesn't want us too. i just feel stupid for asking, like i've crossed a line he didn't want crossed, and unwanted and basically crap. i have always told him what i want in the future, it isn't exactly out of the blue and quite honestly i am tired and worn down by always being the one to do the travel.

Sorry for the ramble - and my caps lock doesn't work! Just needed to write it down i think.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 08/01/2018 15:16

You've been taking your 6yo to his every weekend? Or is she with her father for half of them? When does she get to relax in her own home, go to activities and see friends?

Even if there's a good reason for it to be you doing the driving - why is he not even in for a lot of your visit?!

I think you should be pleased with yourself for stating what you want. If it means you realise he doesn't want the same, better to know.

I do think you shouldn't move your child in with him because you're tired with the driving through. You need a much better reason than that.

Orlandointhewilderness · 08/01/2018 15:24

Ellisandra that isn't why I want to move in with him, I apologise if that is how it came across. I want to move in with him because I love him and I know I want our future together. I feel so certain about our relationship, I know he is the person I want to grow old with. Which is what he has always said.

No she doesn't see her father. He lives on the other side of the country and has never wanted to see her. She knew BF before through our friendship and I was careful to do things slowly so she gets time to adjust.

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 08/01/2018 15:25

Oh he isn't in for much because he has commitments, I can't say too much as it would be outing but it is more a lifestyle thing.

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 08/01/2018 15:27

Yes just reread that and forgot to add the paragraph where I spelled out my reasons for wanting to live together!!!

It is honestly because I love him, I miss him when we are apart and I want to start our future together. Not to do with the driving at all, I phrased that badly.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/01/2018 15:28

he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and talks about long term, but if i broach the short term (i did about 5 months ago for the first time) he is so uncomfortable and clearly not happy talking about it

I'm confused, so he has said he wants to commit long term? Maybe he's unsure about taking on the day-to-day responsibilities of being your DD's stepdad, rather than being her Mum's boyfriend at the weekend? Could it be something like that?

Maybe he just likes having his own space during the week?

It does sound like he could step up a bit with the travelling, but then maybe he doesn't want to stay with your parents?

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2018 15:29

No it doesn't seem he wants to. And no you can't force him. You being sure as you know is not relevant, he needs to be also. You need to seperate his words and promises from his actions. His actions say he's not that into it. I'm sorry.

If you don't want the same things and the relationship isn't making you happy as it is, then you need to end it. 💐

NerrSnerr · 08/01/2018 15:30

I can see why he wouldn’t want to do the travelling and stay with your parents.

Is he working at the weekend or out seeing other people? I imagine the situation can’t continue long term, does your daughter miss out on activities and parties or are they squeezed in as well?

constantchange · 08/01/2018 15:34

I was in your situation a few years ago but without a child. We'd been together for a year and a half, had known each other for five. He didn't want to move in together, didn't want to talk about it and never talked seriously about a future together. He eventually ended things as he didn't want the commitment of a relationship.

He doesn't want to live with you from the sounds of it OP. The fact that he became annoyed when you asked is a really strong indicator - I find that sometimes people get angry at others when they feel guilty about not wanting something with them. He's basically blaming you for wanting more.

Arkangel · 08/01/2018 15:36

You know him best OP, and if you feel in your gut that he's not into it then that's probably the truth isn't it?

I'm a huge believer in gut feeling, that's all.

Kentnurse2015 · 08/01/2018 15:38

Why are you uprooting your child every weekend when you hardly spend any time with him?

MorrisZapp · 08/01/2018 15:39

None of my beeswax but I can't get over you taking your daughter an hour away to his every weekend. Sorry if I've got that wrong. Does she never get invited to birthday parties etc?

Bringmewineandcake · 08/01/2018 15:43

I think you did absolutely the right thing in asking, even if it doesn’t end up with the answer you’d hoped for.
Would you be happy to continue in a casual relationship with him? If so then you can almost certainly get over your disappointment. If you’re looking for something long term and committed you would be as well to end it now, especially as he’s making his views clear.
Your relationship does come across extremely one-sided. Does he ever go out of his way for you?
Flowers

Orlandointhewilderness · 08/01/2018 15:47

if she has parties or plays with friends then we do that and i don't see him or we adjust around it. she also has some weekends when she stays at home as well with her grandparents.
he is the most loving man, i feel adored when we are together. i feel like it is life's cruellest trick. i had resigned myself to being alone then he came along and i have fallen for him completely.

Yes he says he wants to have his future with me. he wants us to live together and be married and have a child. he just obviously doesn't want it in real life.

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 08/01/2018 15:49

he really can't get away, it isn't him being awkward. the family have a farm and he spends a lot of time there.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 08/01/2018 15:50

He needs to shit or get off the pot. I would tell him so in no uncertain terms, then give him a short while to think about it.

Trills · 08/01/2018 15:52

An hour's drive is close enough to go for an afternoon or for an evening, while he is there. Staying over at his house with your DD, including while he is out, seems odd to me.

And I think you're right, I don't think he actually wants to live with you.

Orlandointhewilderness · 08/01/2018 15:54

he lives in a lovely area. when he is out, DD and i have a nice time together. we can go for walks and bake and spend some time just the two of us which we can't do at ours as we live with my parents. then he comes back on the saturday evening and we see him for an hour sunday morning.

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 08/01/2018 15:55

and i have to take my DD - my parents both work weekends and i have no babysitter.

OP posts:
Arkangel · 08/01/2018 15:59

Could it be that because you've wanted it so much you've hung everything up on it and he's saying what he thinks will make you feel better without causing an argument.

Other people's children and situations involving them can be a treacherous subject and he might feel like he doesn't know what to say?

Trills · 08/01/2018 16:01

You are playing at living at his house at the weekend. But you don't live there. You don't live together.

Angelf1sh · 08/01/2018 16:02

He’s said he’ll talk to you about it tonight so just wait and see what he says. What you need to do is decide whether you’re prepared to wait any longer if he says he’s not ready yet.

Orlandointhewilderness · 08/01/2018 16:03

I don't think so arkangel - i don't mention it, we don't talk about it. if anyone brings up the future in a conversational way then it is generally him.
yes i know trills. i am aware!

OP posts:
Arkangel · 08/01/2018 16:38

I don't really understand why some other posters are being so snarky to you...

Is HE playing at the grand idea of happy families?

I think you should take some time just you and him and talk through all of this without him avoiding it, or at least make it clear that if he does ignore the point then that will leave you in the position of an ultimatum potentially?

Orlandointhewilderness · 08/01/2018 16:43

Thanks Arkangel.

I think he might be. He talks about his house as 'ours'. he has changed his car to a bigger one as he needs to accommodate us all going on holiday etc in the future. he is looking to buy a different house more suitable for a family.

i want to give him time, hence why i have raised it 6 months before to give him a chance but what do i do if (when!?!) he says he isn't ready!?! do i just go along in limbo in the hope he will one day be ready?

OP posts:
Arkangel · 08/01/2018 17:36

I think that would be when the ultimatum comes into play though he sounds like he's putting the peices together in his head.

This is one of those situations where only he can tell you. I feel for you OP.

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