oh i feel so rubbish now.

[Orlandointhewilderness]

I'm with a lovely guy. i've known him for years and our friendship changed into something else a year and a half ago. i have a 6 year old dd who loves him to bits. he is very cautious by nature and careful about everything.

i live just over an hours drive and due to him working serious hours i am always the one to drive over to his. we go over typically on a friday night then come back sunday. during this time, i see him for friday night and sat morning then an hour when he gets in sat and the rest of the time he is out. i did used to go over midweek as well but it just was exhausting. i work as well and have horses etc and tbh life has been hard through these last 2 winters and i have really felt the pressure. i also live with my parents.

He typically hates talking in real terms about the future. he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and talks about long term, but if i broach the short term (i did about 5 months ago for the first time) he is so uncomfortable and clearly not happy talking about it. I've had a shit couple of days and today i told him that i had something i wanted to ask him and could we be serious for a min. he said he was nervous but as long as i wouldn't get offended if he gave the wrong answer. i then asked he is he would please give some thought to us moving in together in the summer. he said we will discuss it later and he thought it would have been something like this.

he doesn't want to does he. at all i think. we would have been together for 2 years by then and i would have known him well for 5. he has lived with his previous gf but he so obviously doesn't want us too. i just feel stupid for asking, like i've crossed a line he didn't want crossed, and unwanted and basically crap. i have always told him what i want in the future, it isn't exactly out of the blue and quite honestly i am tired and worn down by always being the one to do the travel.

Sorry for the ramble - and my caps lock doesn't work! Just needed to write it down i think.

good luck OP.. I hope it's more positive news than you currently believe

thank you gemini.

Did you talk OP? Has he shed any light?

we've just briefly messaged. he didn't bring it up at all and is going to bed now. i guess he really really doesn't want to even discuss this. i feel so heartbroken.

we've just briefly messaged. he didn't bring it up at all and is going to bed now. i guess he really really doesn't want to even discuss this. i feel so heartbroken.

I can't tell you whether he is stringing you along or not, but his actions don't seem to match his words. He talks about a future but doesn't really seem to be putting any effort into getting one .
Maybe he's worried about living together because you don't seem to have spent a lot of time together. I get that you've been together nearly two years but in perspective the amount of time you actually spend together doing rl things seems very limited.
The thing is op no matter how much you feel for him, starting a future together, building a relationship together takes two, that doesn't seem to be happening here.
You're compromising a lot and he doesn't seem to be bending at all. From an outsiders pov he has a gf that is not very demanding of his time or effort and does most of the work for him, he doesn't seem to want to change that situation.
You say your time and options are limited because of his current schedule etc, maybe it's just that your lives/ lifestyles aren't compatable, it would certainly seem that way from what you have said in your op.

Well brief update. I asked him this morning if he was ready to discuss and he said oh gosh! Yes! But after work. We have a lot to talk about.
This is killing me. Now I have quite literally no idea.

Could it be that you've looked too much into this and actually the poor fella is really into you?

Fingers crossed for you op.

But are you ready for a future with a man who won't talk about feelings? Won't discuss the future? What if you do have a DC together who might have SEN or need more care in some other way? Will he discuss it? Or sidle around expecting you to make the decision or bring things up?

Communication is a huge part of a relationship and you don't seem to really have it. Take it from One Who Knows, it's REALLY hard being the only one who ever talks about things...

Very possibly arkangel. It's a bloody good job I have mn for my hysteria and am as cool as a cucumber in real life!

Thanks zap. Yes that is something that will be talked about because this is ridiculous. I've always been very open and easy, will discuss anything calmly and I do try to see both points of view, whereas he is very private and I think making the change is proving hard for him.

Haha, completely agree. Me and my best friend do this thing where one of us will just text "advice..." and then usually it's one of us being completely hysterical or overthinking something.

Good luck tonight OP. Is it over the phone or in person?

Is it possible he sees a move more at the secondary age and as such it’s not in the immediate future for him hence why he doesn’t feel the need to discuss it right now? If he only sees you living together in say four or five years time then there’s a few years to think about things before it becomes a reality, even though as you say there is wanting to have another baby in the equation there as well...

I I am sort of on the other side of this kind of thing at the moment. When I got together with my now partner we lived several hours apart and he does all the travelling because he lives in a house share and with me having DC it’s more practical for him to come here. Made it clear from the outset that I wasn’t in a position to move due to not wanting to move children away from their father, and when we started getting serious he looked at moving here.

For various reasons however this hasn’t been able to happen, and realistically now we won’t be in a position to move in together until my DC leaves school in around four years. As a result I have massively toned down all conversations about living together, marriage etc because realistically none of us know any longer what the future holds, whereas we thought we had it all planned out in the beginning, life doesn’t always work like that, and now I’m resigned to the fact that things are unlikely to turn out as I initially thought they would.

From his perspective he has viewed this as a bit of a rejection, because I’m not talking marriage, cohabiting, commitment any more. But from my perspective there’s little point because we’re nowhere near being able to make any of that happen at the moment, so until we know where the future lies we might as well just get on with living for now.

Could he be thinking like that potentially?

If your DD is going to change schools, it would be better to do that asap. It would be awful to let her go all the way through Primary, with a set of friends, who all go on to the same High School together, except for her! Starting High School is daunting enough, without sending her to one where she knows nobody!

Tbh though if she’s in a prep school it’s unlikely that she will be moving to secondary with the same group of friends because some will go to private and others will likely go to a multitude of secondaries.

Do you want to intertwine yours and dd’s lives with someone whose problems with communication over important things cause you so much anxiety?!

Any updates OP? You've been very honest and dealt really well with the replies here. Hope he's started talking.

yep he's started talking.

apparently he doesn't want us to live together in his current house because he feels it is too small (detached 3 bed and garden) and he needs his own space. but then he doesn't just want to move somewhere for the sake of more room, it has too be somewhere we like.

in the last year he has looked at 7 houses he likes and put offers on many but because he refuses to put his on the market before he finds one he like he is getting nowhere.
then i told him my thoughts and he sent me - thanks. you have made me feel great now.
i feel alone.

he refuses to put his on the market before he finds one he like

He doesn't sound like a very practical or realistic person. Not someone I would choose to co-parent with.

trills - he isn't being realistic. we have looked at lovely houses. gorgeous all of them but he won't do it.

i really bloody love him.

Lip service perhaps.... I dunno OP you know him best

it shouldn't feel this horrible to have this conversation.

he has a family friend who has many rental properties where he lives. i said surely the best thing would be to sell his then move into one short term until we find something? him not wanting to move for the sake of more room unless it is something he REALLY likes (and trust me, the smallest thing can put him off) feels like i'm going to live my life in bigger limbo waiting for this miracle to happen.

But he already has a detached house with 3 beds. Why is that not big enough?

it all sounds like a bit .. Pie in the Sky.. OP... from him I mean.. not you