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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

oh i feel so rubbish now.

106 replies

Orlandointhewilderness · 08/01/2018 15:04

I'm with a lovely guy. i've known him for years and our friendship changed into something else a year and a half ago. i have a 6 year old dd who loves him to bits. he is very cautious by nature and careful about everything.

i live just over an hours drive and due to him working serious hours i am always the one to drive over to his. we go over typically on a friday night then come back sunday. during this time, i see him for friday night and sat morning then an hour when he gets in sat and the rest of the time he is out. i did used to go over midweek as well but it just was exhausting. i work as well and have horses etc and tbh life has been hard through these last 2 winters and i have really felt the pressure. i also live with my parents.

He typically hates talking in real terms about the future. he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and talks about long term, but if i broach the short term (i did about 5 months ago for the first time) he is so uncomfortable and clearly not happy talking about it. I've had a shit couple of days and today i told him that i had something i wanted to ask him and could we be serious for a min. he said he was nervous but as long as i wouldn't get offended if he gave the wrong answer. i then asked he is he would please give some thought to us moving in together in the summer. he said we will discuss it later and he thought it would have been something like this.

he doesn't want to does he. at all i think. we would have been together for 2 years by then and i would have known him well for 5. he has lived with his previous gf but he so obviously doesn't want us too. i just feel stupid for asking, like i've crossed a line he didn't want crossed, and unwanted and basically crap. i have always told him what i want in the future, it isn't exactly out of the blue and quite honestly i am tired and worn down by always being the one to do the travel.

Sorry for the ramble - and my caps lock doesn't work! Just needed to write it down i think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orlandointhewilderness · 09/01/2018 20:13

its a bungalow gotta but it has never even crossed my mind that it is too small. both bedrooms in use are big doubles, there is a separate sitting room which is a decent size and the kitchen/dining room is big. the garden isn't huge but plenty of room for his veg beds plus a good bit of lawn and a seating area and shed. there is parking out the front for 3 cars.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orlandointhewilderness · 09/01/2018 20:14

yes gemini. doesn't it. which is fine but i love him so much and it is breaking my heart.

OP posts:
TangledSlinky · 09/01/2018 20:24

I'm afraid to say it sounds like he's stalling OP. At the moment all this talk of a future is just lip service. If he really wanted to live with you his current 3 bed house would have more than enough space, bungalow or not.

In your shoes I'd also worry about building a family with a man that seems incapable of discussing anything of note with you and instead leaves you hanging and anxious.

Original poster
Orlandointhewilderness · 09/01/2018 20:32

yes tangled - exactly my thoughts. i told him that i wasn't feeling level headed enough to discuss it at the moment and i needed to think about everything. that's when he told me that i'd made him feel great. i wasn't being off with him - i just didn't trust myself. it is plenty big enough. he says he needs his own space. well i think we all know what that means, don't we.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 09/01/2018 20:36

I think you're right, 'I need my own space' usually translates to 'I like shagging you and having you around when I feel like it, but I don't want you there every morning when I wake up.'

You could try suggesting that you move in but have separate bedrooms, perhaps? But all the picking fault with houses for stupid things would tell me that he can't be arsed with all the hassle of moving and will stay where he is until he rots. Probably surfing Zoopla every day.

Original poster
Orlandointhewilderness · 09/01/2018 20:38

i don't want to have separate bedrooms. if we were to do this, we would do it properly and that wouldn't work for me. God this is awful. how can i have gone from a good relationship two weeks ago to this so quick. we had such a nice christmas.

OP posts:
Gottabenow · 09/01/2018 20:57

He says he wants his own space. Is that why he spends so much time going out on weekends when you are staying at his place?

Original poster
Orlandointhewilderness · 09/01/2018 21:09

no Gotta, his family own a farm. he needs to be there and does a huge amount of the work required at the weekend.

OP posts:
123getwiththewicked · 09/01/2018 21:23

He's stalling you. Maybe suggest taking a break to see how he feels?

Original poster
Orlandointhewilderness · 09/01/2018 21:28

but what do i do if he says yes. i don't want to lose him. we have such a good relationship, we get on so well. we don't argue. we have a good sex life, we laugh together and i feel certain he loves me. i don't want a break. oh God, i don't want this to have happened, why the hell did i ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orlandointhewilderness · 09/01/2018 21:28

but what do i do if he says yes. i don't want to lose him. we have such a good relationship, we get on so well. we don't argue. we have a good sex life, we laugh together and i feel certain he loves me. i don't want a break. oh God, i don't want this to have happened, why the hell did i ask.

OP posts:
ZambiaZoe · 09/01/2018 21:32

Oh OP. I feel for you so much. He's stalling big time and I think he just wants his cake and eat it. I'd be feeling very hurt right now and very pissed off. What are his future plans? What timescales for things does he have? It's so awful when one person is so much more in love / invested in a relationship. I hope he isn't just leading you a merry dance.

Original poster
Orlandointhewilderness · 09/01/2018 21:36

so do i Zambia. I feel so hurt, after my divorce 10 years ago i was so sure about being single and never getting hurt again but he came along and i really really love him. i wish i had never met him. I don't know what his future plans are - I have just sent him a message and asked him to be honest etc. he isn't in until about half ten so we shall see.
I hope not too.

OP posts:
Cariadd · 09/01/2018 21:52

He doesn't seem to make much of an effort to spend time with you. Why doesn't he come over and take you out ? You appear to have being doing all the running .

Original poster
Orlandointhewilderness · 09/01/2018 21:59

he works 9 - 5, then in the evenings from 7.30 - 10.30 he is at the farm. he is off friday night and saturday morning then all day sunday and sat afternoon/evening he is there again. i don't care about the farm, i am from similar background and it has never bothered me really. yes i am doing all the running and i always have. over christmas we have 7 days together which was wonderful and we get the occasional trip away but yes i do all the driving and shifting around.

OP posts:
Cariadd · 09/01/2018 22:04

I think you would feel better if he was putting more effort into coming to spend time with you. You going there all the time has fallen into a pattern but not necessarily a good one.

Original poster
Orlandointhewilderness · 09/01/2018 22:07

yes cariadd i agree. i've told him tonight that i am finding it hard and that he must realise i can't do it long term. but he honestly can't, he does what he can and it is just the way his life is. i knew it when i started dating him so i can't complain now.

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 09/01/2018 22:13

Orlando you can complain because sometimes it takes time to see the problem. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Like I said yesterday, you are going to have to decide if you’re happy to have a casual relationship with this man, or make the break so you can find something secure with another man.

Cariadd · 09/01/2018 22:13

Well now you want him to show you he cares enough to make the effort don't you. Stop making it so easy and let him make the effort rob"woo" you a bit. He may work hard but I'm sure if he wanted to date someone new then he would make the effort . 😀

Cariadd · 09/01/2018 22:15

To woo you , that should have said

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 09/01/2018 22:34

OP, you are 34 and say you divorced 10 years ago.

So by 24 you had been in a very serious relationship and had already divorced.

Then you had another very serious relationship (I guess?!) through which you had your 6 year old DD. So not that much time between your divorce and having a baby.

Then you ptesumably had a few other relationships, and then you moved in with your parents.

Then you met this guy and for the past 2 years have been doing a lot of driving and playing at house and feel distraught when he doesnt want to live together.

What I'm getting that is that you're still really young and it seems like much of your life course so far has been based around a need for security from others, whether that's a marriage, a child (unless a total accident in which case sorry), living with parents or this guy.

Maybe he can subconsciously pick up on the fact that what you're looking for (and it sounds like it from the words you use when talking about him, and from your life patterns so far), is a knight in shining armour, someone to give you an idyllic life and relationship. Maybe he just feels too busy in life, or got burned by his ex, who knows.

If I were you, I would slow down. Why are you in such a hurry? Why out of interest were you in such a hurry when you got married in your early 20s?

Its just a different POV for you to consider. If I were you, my next move would be to move out of my parents for your own independence and to encourage him to come to you. I would have a serious convo with him and ask if he would feel comfortable with you renting a place in his village as a starting point.

Good luck!

Original poster
Orlandointhewilderness · 10/01/2018 13:09

Hi, I was married in 2004 for ten months, the divorce took years to happen for several reasons. I married him because I loved him. After that, I didn't have any relationships apart from a brief casual one that resulted in my DD. I've always been fiercely independent and never needed to be in a relationship.
I moved in with my parents as at the time I was going back to college and it made sense for the childcare as well as dds school. I changed course slightly as ended up st my current job but it works so we have kept it as is.
Certainly don't need or want idyllic or a white knight!

OP posts:
ChaosNeverRains · 10/01/2018 14:17

but what do i do if he says yes. i don't want to lose him. we have such a good relationship, we get on so well. we don't argue. we have a good sex life, we laugh together and i feel certain he loves me. i don't want a break. oh God, i don't want this to have happened, why the hell did i ask. if he says yes then you have your answer. There’s a great expression which people often use on here, “when a man shows you who he is, believe him.” By telling you what he’s told you he’s telling you that you’re not currently a part of his future plans. By previously telling you he wants a future, a baby etc he has in fact been incredibly cruel because he’s talking about these things at some point in the future, a future he knows he never has to plan for.

Please don’t beat yourself up about having asked him. You’ve done nothing wrong. At best this is a casual relationship on his side, but as you want more you need to ask yourself whether you really want to settle or whether you want to go out and find what you know you deserve in a relationship, a man who wants to be with you and to build a future with you.

Original poster
Orlandointhewilderness · 10/01/2018 14:42

Thanks chaos. Something to think about.

Speaking to him I'm not sure - he is the type of man who would worry about the size of house etc. I did think that I could ask him that if he is really serious about it, as he did say yesterday that he did want us to live together and it was purely down to the size of house, he needs to show me that and do what millions of people have to and sell him and rent somewhere else temporarily. Is that a bad idea?! I can live with him being so exacting and particular about the way things are but I honestly don't think I can just trot along in the same old way for another year.

OP posts:
Arkangel · 10/01/2018 14:49

I'm very much like your dp.

We are meant to be moving soon and I haven't found the house I adore and I'm very picky. I'm loath to pay for something I don't love and I also like my space, which is why I run.

I still don't think your DP is the evil one in all of this. I think he's being quite sensible.