oh i feel so rubbish now.

[Orlandointhewilderness]

I'm with a lovely guy. i've known him for years and our friendship changed into something else a year and a half ago. i have a 6 year old dd who loves him to bits. he is very cautious by nature and careful about everything.

i live just over an hours drive and due to him working serious hours i am always the one to drive over to his. we go over typically on a friday night then come back sunday. during this time, i see him for friday night and sat morning then an hour when he gets in sat and the rest of the time he is out. i did used to go over midweek as well but it just was exhausting. i work as well and have horses etc and tbh life has been hard through these last 2 winters and i have really felt the pressure. i also live with my parents.

He typically hates talking in real terms about the future. he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and talks about long term, but if i broach the short term (i did about 5 months ago for the first time) he is so uncomfortable and clearly not happy talking about it. I've had a shit couple of days and today i told him that i had something i wanted to ask him and could we be serious for a min. he said he was nervous but as long as i wouldn't get offended if he gave the wrong answer. i then asked he is he would please give some thought to us moving in together in the summer. he said we will discuss it later and he thought it would have been something like this.

he doesn't want to does he. at all i think. we would have been together for 2 years by then and i would have known him well for 5. he has lived with his previous gf but he so obviously doesn't want us too. i just feel stupid for asking, like i've crossed a line he didn't want crossed, and unwanted and basically crap. i have always told him what i want in the future, it isn't exactly out of the blue and quite honestly i am tired and worn down by always being the one to do the travel.

Sorry for the ramble - and my caps lock doesn't work! Just needed to write it down i think.

I think you're going to have to say that if he isn't prepared to take the relationship to the next stage by the summer you won't be continuing to see him.

As hard as it is, you are better off already be than with someone who wants something completely different.

thanks arkangel. It just feels a bit crap. I am so sure of us but it feels like he is doubting it. I'll see what he says.

Well you may be ready and he may not. Neither of you get to say whats right and what isnt - his feelings and his pace are as valid as yours. Its him that has a bigger adjustment to make, he'd be taking on raising a child, that's not something any decent person goes into until they're absolutely sure they can give it their best shot. I respect him for that, if that is in his mind.

I'm well aware that his feeling are as valid as mine are! I never said otherwise, I just said how crap it feels that he isn't sure of us. Yes he has a huge adjustment, but so do we.

But you're assuming he's unsure. When in fact maybe he's very sure but just working at the timescale in his own head as you have decided yours.... Is that not ok? He treats you amazing, you're happy...it seems all good.

His adjustment is waaaaay bigger than yours. Taking on a child is the biggest thing anyone can do - and there are millions of damaged kids and adults as testament to rushing it and f*cking it right up arent there? He will go from you and little one visiting to him being her full time father figure in the complete absence of her actual - for someone without children, that must be huge, as it should be.

I'm am I suppose. I've jumped to worst case scenario, you may have a point there.

You see, everything you say I completely understand and I would not put pressure on him to do anything he isn't sure of. But he doesn't voice any of it, talking about the future in real terms feels like a taboo subject! I feel guilty for bringing it up and I don't like the fact I feel guilty because I shouldn't!

I personally have some empathy with him...I really struggle to make long terms plans, I'm not a strategic thinker and I'm very much in the moment. Sometimes its nice because I'm very spontaneous and free spirited in a way and sometimes its a curse - not very organised or ambitious!! Perhaps your man is the same..if he's wired that way it will take longer for him to get there, but if that's what he wants, he will. I married my dh last year after three years, we still live an hour away from each other because we're both happy as we are as yet, and blissfully happy since marrying. It's no different from us working away I guess. We see each other 4-5 nights/days a week. Eventually we'll live together but for now its the old "if it ain't broke......" 😊

He is very much an organised person, not spontaneous at all! He struggles to change plans mentally I think sometimes. He is very set in his ways and routine. I think he is scared of having his life disrupted.

I wouldn't move in with anyone who didn't currently live independently. I have made the mistake before of moving in with someone who lived with parents (and was desperate to move out). It didn't end well.

Why are you living with your parents? What was your long term plan before this guy came along? Were you not looking to live independently?

Your financial positions seem unequal. That may be a concern to him. It would concern me. Let alone the emotional commitment required to keep up a proper step parent relationship. I can entirely see why he is hesitant.

Yes maybe he's at the other end of the scale then and he likes it just the way it is. But it's not working for you. Have you ever thought of asking him the honest question of whether he's waiting for your DD to grow up ie the long term he's thinking of is actually when its effectively just you two? It wouldn't be unheard of.

Can I ask why you live with your parents?

Assuming that it’s for financial reasons, if you move an hour to be with him the expectation will be that he takes on your DD full-time as well as bears the majority of the financial cost of you living together. That’s not something to be taken lightly, and if things don’t work out then you’ll be stuck in a town an hour away from your support network and he’ll likely feel responsible.

TBH I think that moving in together straight from your parents’ house is a really bad idea. You would imho be better off finding somewhere for you and your DD to live in the same town as him so you can have a mor balanced relationship with him before moving in together. That way you’ll have time to settle into a new job and for her to settle into a new school, make friends etc before you actually take the jump to moving in with him. And it’ll give you a better idea of what having a relationship where you’re not the one doing all the travelling and ferrying your dd from one non permanent home to the other is like, and you’ll be able to divide up your time between the nights when you spend the night at his, and the nights when he spends the night at yours, without all this need for being at his on a Saturday when he’s committed elsewhere.

As things sstand you see each other once a week. It’s a massive leap from that to uprooting your dd and moving in together.

In the other hand chaos I really don't fancy the idea of uprooting my dc, changing her school, leaving my job and changing my life for someone who is hesitant about our future.
For all those asking, I was living independently. I moved in with them as they moved and we became unhappy with the school dc was in previously. She is now in prep and I moved in with them as it is just down the road from them and it made sense!

So it’s all or nothing then?

TBH I can totally see why he is reticent. There is no way I would have someone move in with me who had previously been living an hour away with their parents and was only prepared to uproot their life if I became a full-time step parent.

I don’t think he has done anything wrong.

I didn't say he had done anything wrong! It isn't as easy as your black and white view, surely you must understand my reluctance to uproot dc like that!?! Am I completely mad? Obviously he is far too good for me and should probably have a lucky escape before he is saddled with me and my child. Who he knew about going into this relationship! It isn't exactly a shock to him!

Nobody has said that though have they?

But it’s a huge jump from having a one day a week only relationship with someone to them moving in full-time with their child, to a town where they have no support network and so he is your only support until you/your dd make friends independently.

Taking on a full-time step parenting role is a massive commitment and not one to be taken lightly. If the relationship doesn’t work out then you will have uprooted yourself and your DD for him and him only and he will feel responsible for that.

It’s totally understandable that you are reluctant to uproot your lives if this relationship isn’t going to work. But tbh if you’re afraid to move closer and feel that moving closer rather than directly in together straight away means he isn’t committed enough I’m wondering if you yourself are actually having doubts about the future and whether it can work?

the only doubt i have is that he will never be ready. i have no doubts about our relationship at all, i love him very much.

whichever way we did it, if we moved separately there then i still would have uprooted for him. I want to be able to talk freely about the future without feeling i have done something wrong, because if he doesn't tell me what he thinks or feels, which he doesn't, then how do i know?

But if you moved (to live with your parents) so your DD could go to a better school, what's going to happen if/ when you move in with him - you're going to change her school again? Is there a suitable school near him? Surely you're not going to travel 2 hours a day so she can remain at her current school?!

I think your best bet is to get a place on your own now, local enough that your DD can stay at her current school. But equally you're not living with mum and dad so your relationship is more balanced.

In a few years when you're applying for secondary schools, that may be a good time to move in together, assuming there's a suitable school local to him.

yes we would wait velvetspoon but we have agreed we would like to have a child at some point in the future and i am 34. if i wait until dc is going to secondary to move forward then it will be too late.
yes of course she would move schools. i would be open to any way forward, i honestly would, if he would talk to me properly. we will see what he says later.

I'd also wait until secondary school age if she's happy and settled where she is? You've mentioned wanting another baby but you have to put your existing child first. I get it though, I'd love to have more kids but wouldn't gamble on another relationship not breaking down!

I see where your boyfriend is coming from, I would feel pressured to be a step parent and imo living together is a huge step when you have a child to consider. The difference is my boyfriend knows how reluctant I would be to cohabit because I made it clear from the off.

Whatever your boyfriend does or doesn't want he needs to tell you straight. I wouldn't be with anyone who was so reluctant to tell the truth.

that's exactly it i think red - it isn't is he wants to or not, its the fact that talking about it has been none existent. he talks about the future but when it comes to the immediate future I've seen rocks more vocal.

At least if he said he didn't want to or doesn't feel ready or even voiced some of his thoughts you wouldn't be so in the dark about it all. It's the keeping you in limbo that's the worst thing imo. You know you deserve better, you deserve a partner you can talk to and don't feel anxious about bringing up the future with.

Bloody hell. What a pickle. Bottom line is OP, we can all mmmm and ahhhh about the whys and where for. You need to sit him down and try and get him to talk. Has he had a bad relationship in the past that is making him wary? Does he have any skeletons in the closet that you are not aware of - debt, other partners, family issues - that might mean his attention is elsewhere?

It's a huge commitment taking on somebody else's kid. Perhaps he's just scared?

I dunno tbh. Men are complicated creatures and they are wired differently. Does he have a close friend or family member you can confide in / talk to to see if they can offer some way forward?

Yes red exactly!! its the bloody limbo land.

zambia he is a very old fashioned, doesn't talk about feeling etc type. no skeletons etc.
i;m not sure about scared - i honestly don't think that dc worries him. i know it is huge but i really don't get that feeling from him.
he lived with ex before and they moved in within a few months and it lasted under a year after that. he did say when we started getting serious that he didn't want to rush and regret it but 2 years is hardly rushing. no family/friends that i would really feel comfortable talking too.