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Original poster

Do you think most women would be OK with supporting a SAHP?

99 replies

strengthandhonor · 08/01/2018 12:47

Most men seem to have no issue with it, it's basically a given if they make enough to get by. Do you think most women in the same situation (her earnings being high enough for the whole family) would see things the same way?

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 08/01/2018 12:54

Some would yes.
As long as the SAHP is doing everything they are supposed to or is expected then it can work well.
Unfortunately, you often see on here that these 'men' regularly just become cocklodgers.
They do nothing around the house etc....
Obviously lots of men out there do a lot as well.

RestingGrinchFace · 08/01/2018 12:56

If I were the higher earner I would definitely go to work while my husband stayed home but I would feel like I got the worse side of my he bargain. I often feel sorry for my husband, he never st feel like he is really missing out.

ApplesTheHare · 08/01/2018 12:59

I could have taken a job that allowed DH to be a SAHP but I didn't want to miss out and he didn't want to do it, so we haven't. His job allows me to work pt while DD's at nursery and that works well for us.

People need to find whatever works for their family and, of course, it will be different for everyone depending on preferences and skills.

Karigan1 · 08/01/2018 13:00

Should we get pregnant that is our plan.

trevthecat · 08/01/2018 13:04

My partner would of loved the opportunity to be a sahd but it made more financial sense for me to be at home

PeppermintPasty · 08/01/2018 13:04

Of course, why wouldn't they?

BeyondWW · 08/01/2018 13:06

It was our initial plan - I earned more than DH when we conceived. By the end of mat leave, he earned more and my earnings were as high as they were likely to go, so I stayed home.

StandardRussian66 · 08/01/2018 13:06

I wouldn’t like it. But I also wouldn’t like to be a SAHP

DryIce · 08/01/2018 13:08

I am going back to work in a few months and my husband will become the weekday carer, so I will be living this soon.

I don't think anyone can answer for all or most women, and there is a lot of social expectation/pressure type circumstances that go into the decision making and feelings around this.

mindutopia · 08/01/2018 13:09

If I made enough to support us alone (I don't, neither does my dh, we both work, though I have worked part-time when my dd was little, going back to full-time when she was 2), I wouldn't have a problem with my dh being a SAHP IF he wanted to and was completely devoted to it and it allowed me to focus on my career and my professional life to flourish as a result. Personally, I know my dh and he wouldn't want to stay at home and not work (he's self-employed, very entrepreneurial, always tinkering with things and planning for his business, doesn't work traditional 9-5 hours). We both definitely share parenting and as we both have somewhat non-traditional careers, we do a lot of work at random times around childcare and bringing children with us, etc. I would only really be happy with it if I knew he was doing it because he wouldn't be working at all and would be focused and enjoying doing the parenting and housework, not tinkering with other things and being bored or dissatisfied with that lifestyle, or leaving everything for me to do anyway. He wouldn't be happy as a SAHP and neither would I honestly as a long-term choice, it doesn't really suit either of our personalities really, so it's sort of hard to imagine. But I love my career and if he loved being home full-time and taking care of everything else, then it would be an opinion if it was financially feasible. Realistically though, I think we both love our careers and really enjoy what we do and have a lot of flexibility and a good work-life balance, so it's hard to imagine giving up the added financial security for either of us to stay at home full-time long-term.

Offred · 08/01/2018 13:09

I think a breadwinner/SAHP divide whatever the gender is not really ideal and increases the chances of unhappiness.

With SAHM sexism means they very frequently are undervalued and exploited and become angry and resentful. With sexism SAHD can feel emasculated and become angry and resentful.

I think it is much much better to both work part time and share family responsibilities.

BarbarianMum · 08/01/2018 13:09

I think very few women would be happy with it tbh.

It is very noticable on here that SAHDs become cocklodgers the second their youngest is at school, whereas SAHMs get considerably more leeway to ease back into the world of work.

FML2017 · 08/01/2018 13:10

I wouldn't like it, because I know my partner would do nothing and I'd end up working full time and doing all the housework too.

lubeybooby · 08/01/2018 13:10

I would be very cool with it if I earned enough to manage it. It saves so much in childcare and hassle and I'd have been able to progress in my career a lot easier with a parent at home while I worked. Not valid now as my DD is at uni and I'm not having any more but I'd have loved the chance back in the day.

mumonashoestring · 08/01/2018 13:13

I do - my earning potential is much higher than DH's and I love my job/career. He said all along he'd like to be a SAHP so as soon as it was practical (compromised a bit to start with to make breastfeeding easier) we 'swapped'.

AssassinatedBeauty · 08/01/2018 13:13

Yes I wouldn't mind, but I'd prefer it if both of us could do 50/50 instead.

Chchchchangeabout · 08/01/2018 13:15

I know two couples who do this and both sides seem very happy. I guess it depends on the individuals and jobs involved really.

clarinsgirl · 08/01/2018 13:16

My DH is SAHP. We've both worked and found that too hard on the boys. I worked PT when DS2 was little and DH FT (but I still earned more than him). Then he was made redundant (from a job that was killing him) and I found a fab, very well paid job that I love so he stays home. I couldn't do my job if he didn't stay home.

He is now going to Uni and looking for something very PT.

I find it bizarre that anyone would think SAHM is ok but not SAHD.

ladystarkers · 08/01/2018 13:18

Do you think it is a given op? I get the impression some men expect Dw to work. An aquaintance’s husband expected her to work evenings and weekends although he was a high earner.

WeAreGerbil · 08/01/2018 13:20

No, I think it would cause too much imbalance in the relationship, though on the other hand I would never be a SAHM either. I do think it would be a luxury to have someone else to sort out household stuff / childcare though so I wasn't constantly being pulled in many different directions, but the benefits would outweigh the costs for me.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 08/01/2018 13:22

no,if that were to happen we'd do part time, both doing 50%. There is no way I'd leave the door open to me paying maintenance and losing custody of my children to him in the event of a break up.

MuMuMuuuum · 08/01/2018 13:24

I'm significantly the higher earner. I've offered to be the sole earner a number of times. He wants to work. So I respect that decision.

user1495451339 · 08/01/2018 13:25

It would have been great if one of us could have earned enough for the other not to work. As it is he stayed full time and I found work around my children so that they didn't need much childcare. I was a bit resentful as my husband settled down to TV in the evening and I set off to work but there it is! Much better now the kids are in school and I work at home in the day!

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 08/01/2018 14:27

No, I wouldn't, but I don't think he would be happy for me to SAH either. We would just both have to be fundamentally different people to even contemplate it. Neither of us would be happy that way and I don't think either of us would want that power imbalance to come into our relationship.

If one of us approached the other and said we wanted to SAH, I think we would both have similar reactions: deeply startled, willing to discuss it, but quite concerned about where it was coming from.

lightermaturecheddar · 08/01/2018 14:44

Think it depends on how you define SAHP.

If it was financially essential for a very young child, then I’d do it.

There’s no chance in hell that I’d be working and supporting another adult to sit around at home whilst our children were at school though. I’d find it hugely unattractive.

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