Do you think most women would be OK with supporting a SAHP?

[strengthandhonor]

Most men seem to have no issue with it, it's basically a given if they make enough to get by. Do you think most women in the same situation (her earnings being high enough for the whole family) would see things the same way?

if you listen to women talk about what they love in a current partner or a prospective one almost without exceptions the words ambitious, driven, great job, solvent, financially stable

I was a SAHP for years, but before I had children all those words described me, too. I've know many women who were very driven in their careers pre-baby, who then decided to take a career break.

All adults should be solvent and financially stable before having children, regardless of whether they are male or female, or plan to work out of the home after having children.

You seem to assume that women who are SAHPs are lazy, had poor employment prospects, and couldn't handle money. That wasn't my experience.

if you listen to women talk about what they love in a current partner or a prospective one almost without exceptions the words ambitious, driven, great job, solvent, financially stable

In some circles yes and on MN it's a very popular view.

Not everyone thinks like that though. I didn't pick DH for the size of his wallet. I'd not want an unemployed partner as don't find that attractive but I don't expect to be kept so as long as they could meet their share of the bills and help support any children that is fine. Other qualities are just as important.

I think a tremendous part of the reason women want ambitious men is that most unambitious men aren't unambitious because they want to build a beautiful, peaceful, quiet life, or to spend life nurturing or doing other tasks that are unrewarded with vocational "success" measures or financial gain.

Most unambitious men want to play video games all day and do as little as possible.

Women who aren't career-ambitious often have very specific goals and dreams about the home life they want to create, but it's rare to find a man who feels that way.

I really wouldn’t like it. I would grow to resent it, I know I would.
My set up has always been that both I and their dad juggle work around the children, so my son has one of us picking him up from school each day and my daughter (still at nursery) has a weekday with each of us. I like that, I like having my career and independence but I also treasure time with the children. I would resent the pressure to be the sole breadwinner, and that means I wouldn’t ask it of my partner either.

on MN it's a very popular view.

Well yes, because the posters on MN virtually all have children.

This makes it different as people with children are going to be less keen on partnering up with someone who would be a financial burden on them and their kids.

The first time around is a different matter.

I would love it.

I love working and having ‘special’ time with my children.

I HATE any kind of housework, home organisation, cooking etc etc. And I’m honestly crap at it (I’m good at cooking but just can’t be arsed).

I would much rather work hard at paid work and not have to worry about household duties.

My ex was brilliant at organisation and things like folding laundry and tidying. Obviously if he was a lazy twat I’d feel differently but as he was just a cheating twat I can’t begrudge his homemaker skills

I'm a high earner and wouldn't technically mind - but I think I'd feel apprehensive about someone being so financially dependent on me ever again.

My ex was, well, ... lazy as fuck - there's really no other accurate way of describing him. He was constantly in and out of work because he was fundamentally unwilling to accept a position that didn't quite measure up to his expectations. I found leaving him incredibly hard (even though he provided me with good reasons to on an ongoing basis) because I really worried about chucking him out and him basically ending up on the street.

For the same reason, I'd not want to ever SAH myself.

I would have no problem short term but wouldn't want to see it go on for too long. I like the concept of both parents working even if that involves part time or flexible hours.

I am the sole breadwinner. He has been in the past. We bought our house knowing that as long as one of us was working we'd probably manage so I don't particularly mind.

I wish I could say yes, but both the men I know who gave up work did so because they relished not doing anything all day; the second the kids came along they shot back to work in horror.

I wouldn't. I carry for 9 months, I push them out, I get first dibs on looking after them. I also couldn't be with a man who didn't want to provide financially.

I don't agree that it is a given women can stay at home if the couple can get by on one income. Nowadays, it is generally expected women will work unless they both agree.

DH and I have the same professional qualification and therefore the same earning power so we both reduced our hours after having DH

Neither of us are the type of people who would want to be a full time SAHP but nor are either of us the type to be happy being the sole breadwinner while the other person stayed at home

*After having DC that should say

Neither my husband nor I would want to have one of us do all the paid work and the other all the home / parenting. We both want to share parenting which means we have to share working. I don’t know anyone who can support a sahp without working ft hours +.

I was surprised at how many of my friends settled for dull provider types, I do think some women are looking for that and some men are looking for someone who they think has a traditional feminine role. I work in a well paid city profession, lots of the men in that profession marry primary teacher, women who work in fashion, nurses, etc but the women tend to go for partners from a similar sector.

Each to their own and no one can tell anyone who to go out with. But I do find it a bit depressing that there are still so many trapped in traditional gender roles.

I’m fine with it. It’s the arrangement that works best for us. I am a little disappointed (though not really surprised) that it is still seen as unusual and a bit odd. In our family it’s the only arrangement that could make sense. I earn multiple times what DH did, and enjoy what I do. I love DD hugely but felt utterly miserable at home on mat leave. If we went the “traditional” route I would be an unhappy, unfulfilled SAHM, DH would be slogging away at a job that he hated and we would be poor. As it is, DH loves being a SAHD, gets huge enjoyment from it and is very good at it too. I can progress in my career we’ve no childcare stress or costs and we’re comfortable. Not a difficult decision!

We had this scenario for a while and I hated it. I would rather have been the stay at home parent or working for myself but that option was taken away by DH career choices. I find it impossible not to feel I’ve missed out, it makes me very sad.

I do reflect that when my DH has the odd day off while I go off to work it is so very nice. We all don't have to get up as early, he can deal with the morning run, he can pick them up early, I don't have to sprint out of work to do a double pick up, the kids get more free time and behave better, we are all less rush, rush, rush. I can think of many, many benefits and would definitely consider it if one or the other of us really made enough to be comfortable. I would see it as a benefit to the whole family unit not just to the parent at home.

What do people do for pension planning when Sahp for a long time? Leaves you vulnerable in my opinion having to rely on someone else's income and planning for your future

SAHP to what? one only nt school-aged child in accommodations that require no maintenance. Or SAHP to a child with disabilities a multitude of animals with a home that's being renovated with several trades involved.
personally no matter what the home situation is I firmly believe pt work is important mentally as is building your own retirement portfolio.

@MoG3 probably the best pension planning the SAHP can do, is ensure they're married! So if there is a divorce and the earning party doesn't play fair, there's at least a chance of a Pension Sharing Order from the court!

It's tricky though... if the earning party has only a private pension, that's easy enough - split the contributions to two pensions. But even then, there may be more tax relief for the earning party. As soon as you get into company defined contribution schemes with matched contributions or defined benefit schemes it can make no financial sense to divert much money to a non-earning partner's pension.

I think the best pension tips are:

• get married!
• make sure the SAHP is getting CB in their name for NI credits (even if the earner is above threshold and paying it back through tax return)
• pay up NI if appropriate (e.g. if SAHP to older children so no NI credit via CB - think it's after age 12?)
• maximise the £3600 gross contribution that the non earner can make annually

I’d be more than happy if I was earning enough to easily support us both. However, he’d have to be a SAHD in the same way that I was a SAHM when the kids were little, and that means shouldering the majority of the mental strain in addition to the bulk of the cooking and cleaning. I.e. He would buy the birthday/christmas gifts for everyone, wrap them, write the cards, sort out dental appointments, stay in for parcels, know which jabs they’d had, make the appointments for parents night, get up in the night if one was poorly, buy and cook most of the meals, know when we needed new kitchen roll, sort out play dates, do minor repairs or arrange for someone to do the bigger jobs and oversee and pay them, buy the kids clothes when they needed themetc. etc. That said, I’d only want it for the first few years, mainly because I think everyone should have a career to fall back on in case everything goes pear shaped. Too often on here I read tales of women whose husbands have left them and they have no source of income, or they’re afraid to leave an awful partner because they are worried about coping financially. The minute you stop earning your own income you are vulnerable to someone else’s whims and requirements. I know that most of the time it never becomes an issue, but if it does, you don’t want to end up in a position where you can’t support yourself.

From the outside my DH looks like a SAHD. He drops off and collects our DD most days from school. However, I work full time and then take over childcare as soon as I return from work for the rest of the night. She generally goes to sleep between 9.30 and 11.30pm as she has ASC. (We believe my husband also has ASC but does not have a diagnosis)

Financially we support the household jointly as he has money from a family trust and I have a full time wage.

I have all the mental load and do the majority of the housework. Think calling school from work even though he is at home to arrange meetings with Sendco, having to call pharmacist for repeat prescriptions. Checking bags for forms, filling them out and placing them in table for him to drop off in school the next day.
He will call me to ask what to give her for supper or breakfast. Even though we have a calendar on the wall I have to check that he has packed essential stuff for a trip etc. On top of that I return home from work to a messy house having tidied it the day before. It is exhausting and I really feel it is not fair.

I have tried just leaving him to it but it has been my daughter who has suffered quite badly as a result.

We have had a few sessions with a counsellor and came away with me working on not ‘nagging’ and him working on not leaving his own cups and dishes unwashed next to the sink and giving me a break before I take over in the evening. He is also supposed to be tackling his hoarding tendencies.

I continuously get comments on what a great dad he is and how it must be lovely being able to go off to work and not worry. I just have to bite my tongue and listen to them praise him on how he ‘just gets on with it and is so calm all the time’. When in reality he is late almost every day, continuously forgets items, I have to do most things like collect parcels, dry cleaning, and prescriptions on my afternoon ‘working from home’. As during the day he ‘is busy’.

To be fair he works one evening a week as a musician but the rest of the week he hangs out at music venues and pubs watching bands at night. I have no idea what he does in the daytime as apparently asking is another form of nagging.

This was very much mine and my ex partner's plan. He was very keen to quit work as I earned a much higher salary. Before the birth I was keen to get back to work ASAP.

Unfortunately he quit his job whilst I was on maternity leave, left all the child care to me and would happily play games, watch tv or be online whilst completely ignoring the baby.

I was not going to trust him with her care. Several things happened that made me see it just wasn't an option.