Do you think most women would be OK with supporting a SAHP?

[strengthandhonor]

Most men seem to have no issue with it, it's basically a given if they make enough to get by. Do you think most women in the same situation (her earnings being high enough for the whole family) would see things the same way?

I did, DH lasted throughout the summer and then hired a nanny. I think it was a good experience for him. He went back to work within the year.

We did this and I think it started a chain of events which led to us separating in Feb last year after 21 years together. We moved abroad, the original plan didn't happen and he sat back and let me find work. i did, a very good job which meant I worked from home most days but I travelled abroad overseas.

It was a unique situation, because he didn't try to find work and didn't really enjoy being the SAHP, also he sat back and let me do everything when I wasn't working. So basically I ended up doing most things, while he got more and more miserable and seemed to feel like he'd retired at 41.

He bcame more miserable, more abusive, and I also became more miserable so I left. He has the kids 40% of the time (more or less), and still not making an effort to get a job while I support his sorry ass. He would take good care of the house, cook at times and clean. But most of the day to day stuff was left to me too.

I think to make it work , the male needs a very strong sense of themselves, be happy in that role and also have outside interests outside the home. If they don't have that it can destroy self esteem. I guess its the same for SAHM's. It has to work in the dynamic of your relationship, sadly for us it didn't although I think there were always issues in our relationship but he worked, so he was out the house a lot. When that changed it magnified what was wrong in our relationship.

Too many variables.

My fiancé will drop to 4 days a week when he moves in with me - because as a couple, we can afford it. I'll gain nothing from it - second marriage, we're beyond having children together. But I love him, and I think it's a great opportunity for him to have more leisure time. So I don't have an issue with the principle of supporting (in a small way) another adult.

But honestly, if we were 30 and looking at a SAHD situation, it wouldn't be an unqualified yes from me. I have seen the break from work impact career progression, earning potential, pension etc in others. I have seen the aftermath when there's a divorce so many years later. So - be the sole earner for 2 years when it made financial sense? Yeah, no problem. For 5 years, and end up with a far less employable partner? Much more of an issue.
Would depend on a lot of factors - including how secure I thought my marriage was.

all depends on earnings for me. If I was earning way more than him and him being at home covered my childcare costs then it would be a nonbrainer. Otherwsie, no, I think everyone should pull there weight.

I'd be happy being the main earner and my dp a sahd.

Providing i earned enough and my dp was prepared to do the household stuff/childcare to a similar standard that I do, I'd be great! Sounds like heaven! It'd be a steep learning curve for him though, because he's not the most practical minded person.

I am the main earner, my DH is the SAHP.

It has it's moments. I have my moments! He has his.

My DH is an excellent SAHD, far better with the kids than I would be. Better at getting out and about with them for example in situations where I might worry that the three DCs could be a bit hard to deal with - he just cracks on with it. OTOH he does less reading/writing with them etc but loads more crafts (I loathe the mess so subconsciously try to avoid this and two of the DC in particular adore crafts). He's also much better at helping with minecraft etc than I would be with DS1. Also, when we lived in the UK, he found being a SAHD lonely and we did worry about the impact on our kids. He would take them to playgroups etc but was never included particularly well even by mutual friends from my antenatal groups and this did impact the children when younger to a degree (less playdates etc).

He does not really do any housework, luckily we usually have a cleaner every morning(I know, I know - and the poor woman is busy every day too). He does do the cooking most days (unless I actually want to cook for example since I do quite enjoy it when I have the time) but he is doing gardening, chopping wood, fixing things/making things (we have a fixer upper) that I would not be doing if I were the SAHP and which actually it would be harder and more expensive to find someone to come into the house and take care of than it is a cleaner. To an large extent that aspect works quite well. When our cleaner is on holiday we are usually bickering by day 3...

The flashpoint of the day is when I finish work - I do "come home" (technically I work from home but, I leave my office etc IYSWIM) and want to "chill with a beer" and he feels he has earned a break from the kids... I don't think this is different to most couples with a SAHP/WOHP dynamic however and I get from threads about SAHM's on mumsnet that I am massively unreasonable (well, my head gets it, my heart disagrees).

Wow, I'm impressed that so many would go for it! I mean if you listen to women talk about what they love in a current partner or a prospective one almost without exceptions the words ambitious, driven, great job, solvent, financially stable...

My husband was all that. He's done every job he has ever done brilliantly. He's now applying that to be the best SAHP.

He's also very confident in himself and his position. He'd never take any crap about him not making as valid a contribution to our family as I do - and that includes financially.

if you listen to women talk about what they love in a current partner or a prospective one almost without exceptions the words ambitious, driven, great job, solvent, financially stable

I have never ever heard a women describe her love for her husband or partner in the above terms.

They generally say “funny, clever, kind, considerate” etc even though their DH’s may also be the other things on your list. I don’t love my DH because of his job!

I know several families where the woman works full time and the man is either a full time or part time SAHD. It seems to work pretty well for all of them and the men do all the same things that you’d expect a SAHM to do including babygroups etc.

Mine is a SAHD

I did it. I know other people who have.
But. I have not seen a SAHD who really does as much as an average SAHM, especially as all the mental juggling is concerned. The society still expects the mum to be responsible for household, kids, family relationships etc, even in case of SAHD and breadwinner mum. Just as an example, not uncommon that doctors, nurseries and similar still give messages and instructions to dad only so he can forward them to the 'real parent'.
Or ask a random selection of equally working parents of both sex what their DC's shoe size is and what birthday gift their MIL received, I bet most men would have no idea.

So therefore I feel that a SAHD often does not add as much value to a WOHMs life than the other way around. And no, I don't think most women would be happy with this. But I'm not sure most men want to be the only breadwinner either nowadays.

My DH is a SAHD currently. I earn significantly more that he did or could. It is mainly great with the odd resentment. I think I probably do more DC/ home stuff than is the case for most of my male colleagues in equivalent roles with SAHWs but I think that is largely because I strive to be more involved in my DC’s day to day lives than my male colleagues do. DH is also happy with it. It is his choice and he did choose to work initially when we had DC. I also have a number of friends in similar situations with SAHPs or partners who work very part time. In all cases the wife has significantly higher earning capacity so reversing the roles without a very significant lifestyle cut would not be an option. If I said to my DH that I wanted to give up/significantly cut down work, he would be supportive, ie he would be happy with the lifestyle cut and would try to find a job to close the gap a little. From that point of view it is my choice to work full time and his choice to be a SAHP, and I think having choices tends to remove resentments. The same is true for my friends save that one DH would not be happy with a lifestyle cut so that friend probably feels more resentment. Although I would not describe her DH as a cocklodger because he does pull his weight at home and with the D.C., he is nevertheless a dick so she has bigger problems.

I’ve happily been the sole breadwinner since the children were born. DH is back at work now (just this year) and that’s great too.

Never had the slightest problem with it. My money is our money & he is always there for the children.

They generally say “funny, clever, kind, considerate” etc even though their DH’s may also be the other things on your list. I don’t love my DH because of his job!

You are right, but it is rare for women to settle for a man who is just ‘funny, clever, kind etc’ without those attributes being backed up with a stable job / career and the ambition to improve their lot in life.

“What I am really looking for is a passive, unambitious, not terribly successful but nice man who really wants to be a stay at home dad while I financially support him”

Said very few women.

I would be very happy with it! Would be nice to work without any worry about childcare, sick days for kids, and also having to do laundry food shopping etc.

I will be going back to work fulltime and my DH will be a parttime SAHD (he's got a part time job to get him out of the house and bring some extra money in). I think it will work brilliantly for us.

We have had a baby band I'm going back to work full time after my maternity and my dp is going to cut his hours to part time at his work. So he will be at home with the baby 5 days a week. I earn the most but if I earned a little more he would be a sahd.

Not really. I earn more than my husband but when we had our daughter we were about the same.

Neither of us saw a need to give up work and stay home and neither of us wished to. Twenty years later totally the right decision. We are much better off financially than we would otherwise have been, our daughter is a bright and happy young woman with two parents who earn well, and who have set a great role model for her and our standard of living through those years has been much better than if one had stayed home.

If he'd said he wanted to give up and stay home I'd have Not been happy about it at all. I doubt he'd have understood it if I did either. It really never occurred to us that one of us should give up our careers as we had a child. The world has moved on.

“What I am really looking for is a passive, unambitious, not terribly successful but nice man who really wants to be a stay at home dad while I financially support him”

If I earned enough to be able to afford to support a SAHP, and I loved my job enough that I wouldn't resent having to get up and out of the house on cold January mornings whilst they stayed warm, inside, having baby snuggles - then that sounds absolutely like the most ideal man in the world.

I'd hate hate hate to be a SAHP, and I'd hate hate hate to have to balance work with child care and housekeeping.

Because, of course, that quote is a load of sexist drivel, that comes from the idea that being a SAHP is women's work and women's work is not valuable.
Why would you be passive because you were a stay at home parent? You've got to wrangle awkward children and keep the home running. Sounds pretty active to me. And just because that was his job whilst I worked outside of the house wouldn't make me 'the boss' - so big decisions would still be a joint thing.

'not terribly successful'? is he a good dad? are the kids clean, fed, happy and well cared for? Then fuck off is he not successful. His job is SAHD and he's good at it- success!

'unambitious' - ambition can be a terribly negative thing - if it means you spend all your time striving to get to the top that you neglect your family. Providing money is not always enough. Ambition to be a brilliant dad and a supportive partner is ambition enough for me, thanks.

The idea that men who become SAHP aren't 'driven' or 'successful' or even 'assertive' is really damaging. There's more than one way to live your life, there's more than one measure of success, and you don't have to fit into the mould that's prescribed.

I think many men would hate the reality of it.

During my pregnancy exH was convinced he wanted to be a SAHP. I did earn more than him but didn't like the idea, not because I resented supporting him but I desperately wanted to be able to spend some time with our baby too. I wanted to budget for a joint lower income and share time at home/time working. We were both freelancers so it was feasible.

In the event, he suddenly came over all macho and decided he absolutely had to be the provider and we wouldnt change our livestyle or economise. And that I should stay at home. To make up for the fact he didnt earn as much he took to working 6/7 days a week.

The marriage didnt last long. I think it is all very dependent on the outlook of the individuals but it's definitely something that can cost you your.marriage if you don't see it the same way.

I am the breadwinner and my dp, a man, is the sahp. The catch is, they are his children and not mine and I find the concept of providing for them financially much easier than going pt or to be a sahp to look after them full time.
It works for our family and no one resents the arrangement. I share in housework and child care where I can but still have a fulfilling work life which suits me very well.

No I wouldn't. I think it's easier to have an equal partnership when both parents work, ft or pt.

No, I actually wouldn’t want DP to stay at home, though I think he’d do a good job. I am attracted to the fact he works hard and is ambitous - as well as kind, funny and caring - and would struggle to not have that side of him. I also wouldn’t like the responsibility of being the only one earning.
My ideal situation would be us both having some flexibility, maybe both having 4 day weeks and maybe a bit of home working - possible in both our careers - so children weren’t in full time childcare when small.

Pan apologies if I have misinterpreted but your post seems to imply that any man who becomes is SAHD is necessarily unambitious or unsuccessful.

I was previously a SAHM for five years. It wasn’t because I’m unambitious or unsuccessful. It was just the right choice for our family at the time. I returned to full time work after five years to an increased salary as soon as my D.C. started school.

The SAHD’s I know were all successful, high flying individuals (banker, architect, IT consultant, engineer) before they and their families made the decision for them to stay at home.

They just happen to have high performing wives who earn extremely high salaries.

Actual useful SAHD - sure.
Lazy git pretending to be SAHD - no.

I've been the breadwinner sometimes for a few months and loved it, especially the home-cooked meals when I got in, but both DH and I were happier earning, ideally not both full time so the kids can get more attention from us - but we do what we need to pay the bills.