I snooped to catch him lying and now he’s asking how I know...

[NonplussedwithFB]

Had various problems with DP and his ex, I posted a thread on here about him sharing a picture of them on FB when we were together, she gets invited to family parties still, his family don’t like me etc. She is his neighbour and is completely over involved in his life etc. They split up 6 years ago.

I ltb but he campaigned really hard to get back together, promised he would cut the cord with her, get a lodger so he can spend more time with me, he loved me and wanted it to work. It was Christmas and my youngest dd really missed him (have 3dcs from previous marriage which was physically abusive). We don’t live together but have been together 2 years.

So, on Friday night I couldn’t sleep because he had been v.cagey about his weekend plans. I snooped on his phone because I just had a feeling and lo and behold they had hung out Christmas week having pizza and beers together when I was on a night out and yesterday he was going to do some work in her house. I asked him directly on Sat what he was doing on Sunday and he outright lied and said he was working at someone else’s house. I gave him opportunities to come clean via message (I was away Sat night) and he lied again. I rang him when I got home and he wouldn’t say whether he was coming to mine that night and again lied about where he was. His ex hates me, she has said some awful stuff about my personality (said I had BPD before she had met me) etc.

So I lost it with him and messaged ‘So you are 100% not at XXXX house?’ He ignored me for 3 hours and then admitted he was.

I am so pissed off with him for lying. He has lied about something else major too (money). He said he’s sorry for lying and he knows it’s not ok. I don’t think he has cheated on me with her, I think she would but he wouldn’t. BUT it’s the lying and their interaction in general. Now he’s asking how I knew where he was and seems annoyed with me? I don’t want to tell him I snooped but guess I will have to. It just means once again he will deflect his behaviour onto me? I’m so confused and upset. Any advice? AIBU?

Dump him immediately.

He is treating you like an idiot - how dare he !!

He's asking how you know so that he can cover his tracks better next time. You don't have to give him an answer - if he was honest then you would know because he would have told you.

Defo get rid!

What does it matter how you confirmed he lied to you?

See what I did there? Refocused your attention to your actual problem.

You don’t have to say anything other than that he knows it’s over and you want nothing more to do with him. Goodbye is a one word sentence, make that the only word you use with him from now on.

I know. This relationship is shit. I don’t really have any faith in my decision making though after last time I ended it. I was so miserable and my self esteem is so fucked that I don’t trust myself to boomerang back.

You need to dump him again, as the only other way this is going to end is him cheating on you then dumping.

He's lying to you, that's a form of cheating anyway! You've gave him a ultimatum (cut the cord with ex) and he hasn't... so that means you need to get rid and be serious

If you boomerang back that’s your choice and more fool you.

Sorry to be so blunt but it’s your choice whether you stay with a liar who doesn’t respect you, or whether you stop eating your time on this cheat.

*wasting your time

I think YABU to think that his lying and sneaking around won't or has not led to cheating. Okay let's say he hasn't cheated...he has no respect for you at all. Or else he would've been honest. It sounds like the moment you took him back he was back to his old ways, and probably won't change in all honesty. I know you already have 3 kids, but don't be fooled in thinking you should stick with this guy. Is he your prince charming? Does he know that his friends/family don't like you? If so what does he do about it?! He sounds like a dick. You have no real ties, cut him off and tell him never to come over again.

Him being annoyed and asking how you know is him deflecting attention from his behaviour. My ex did this all the time, if I was you I wouldnt tell him how you found out there is really no need. But if your having to resort to checking his phone then I would seriously go no contact and ltb. Being lied to is a horrible feeling and I'd just expect him to cover his tracks better in the future if it continues.

You don't owe him an explanation. Just end it. For good this time

He's shown you who he is. Block him from contact and move on from the liar.

Just end it!!!!!

You already did, he 'campaigned hard' - wtf? This is YOUR LIFE and you only get one of them. Dump this shit and when he whines and cries just say 'oooh I don't know, I guess I just don't fucking like you.'

Get out and do other things. Get into life and away from this useless, dishonest fuck.

He always turns it around as though I’m being unreasonable, as though his ex shouldn’t be an issue for me etc. She’s an ex who is his best friend and I’m just this jealous, possessive weirdo as his other exes (two) between her and me have all been fine with it apparently.

Oh and yes of COURSE he will cheat on you. Maybe with her, maybe not.

He just IS a cheat and a liar, every single word that came out of his mouth during his ridiculous 'campaign' was a lie.

Get RID.

I’m sorry I don’t understand the need to keep posting threads on this man.

It’s clear he still feels something for her. That tells you all you need to know. Why are you even wondering what you should do?

I’m so annoyed with myself that I let him into my DC’s life. My youngest DD is really attached to him. She will get over it though won’t she? I really loved him.

He doesn’t meet your needs and so the relationship isn’t good enough for you. There’s no way to turn that around.

As I said before, do nothing engage with him. Goodbye is a one word sentence and block him.

According to you no body likes you apart from him so this was never going to work out anyway. You need to protect yourself and you kids from him hurting you all anymore than he has already. Goodbye and block.

chippy because I wanted it to work out. I wanted my faith in men to be better. My exH did such a number on me that I didn’t want to face the fact that I chose another twat. Even after doing the freedom project.

The brutal truth is that he knows that seeing his ex makes you, the woman he supposedly loves, feel insecure and unloved, but he keeps doing it! And keeps lying about it! He’s basically prioritising this woman over you?!

Why is that?? I find it hard to believe he just misses her company... he’s definitely getting more than that!

You could keep investing your time and energy into this waste of space, or you could better use the time getting over him and find someone better - which you will, as you sound lovely. He’s an idiot.

You and your children deserve better than this. LTB. With bells on.

He always turns it around as though I’m being unreasonable, as though his ex shouldn’t be an issue for me etc. She’s an ex who is his best friend and I’m just this jealous, possessive weirdo as his other exes (two) between her and me have all been fine with it apparently.

Who fucking cares though?

Fine!

'Yep, guess I am a jealous possessive weirdo. So sad for you! Thank goodness you can now hang out with your ex without all this nonsense. Do hurry up and pack, quicker you go the quicker you can find a nicer more laid back girlfriend'

He can turn it around all he likes. You don't have to justify anything. You can let him whine and twist and accuse you all he likes, and sit there with a nice smile on your face and then at the end say 'Oh well I do see your point. I still just guess I don't want to be with you though, so nothing to be done. Good luck with finding someone who doesn't have allllll my issues!'

He KNOWS you're not being unreasonable. He KNOWS. He just wants his cake and to eat it too. So just refuse to engage, agree with everything he says, and then tell him to go away because you don't want him.

I wanted my faith in men to be better.

AAAAARGH!!!!

You do that by having the faith in YOURSELF to be able to tell when a man isn't worth that faith!

You do that by putting your faith in someone when it's JUSTIFIED! Not turning yourself inside out finding ways to excuse a little shit!

HE is the problem. You stay true to yourself by calling it what it is and walking away.

Excusing bad behaviour is NOT 'having faith' - it's lying to yourself.

And yes, your DD will be fine. Especially if you have FAITH in yourself that unless a man really PROVES that he can come up to scratch, you don't let him in. For at least a year.

Yes she will get over it. Your DD being keen on him is no reason to continue a crap adult relationship. Take a step back and take your dds feelings out of this. When I was young I was obsessed with my Uncle as he was brilliant fun. Used to scream when he went home. Now I haven’t seen him for so long I can’t even remember his face. She’ll be fine. You won’t if you let this carry on. He’s blatantly lied to you in order to spend time with another woman! No way. That is NOT ok. Get rid. This will carry on and eventually they will hook up (because she’s obviously got her sights on him) and you’ll have wasted more years on him. Move on. Block his numbers. Go no contact. You deserve better than this!