I snooped to catch him lying and now he’s asking how I know...

[NonplussedwithFB]

Had various problems with DP and his ex, I posted a thread on here about him sharing a picture of them on FB when we were together, she gets invited to family parties still, his family don’t like me etc. She is his neighbour and is completely over involved in his life etc. They split up 6 years ago.

I ltb but he campaigned really hard to get back together, promised he would cut the cord with her, get a lodger so he can spend more time with me, he loved me and wanted it to work. It was Christmas and my youngest dd really missed him (have 3dcs from previous marriage which was physically abusive). We don’t live together but have been together 2 years.

So, on Friday night I couldn’t sleep because he had been v.cagey about his weekend plans. I snooped on his phone because I just had a feeling and lo and behold they had hung out Christmas week having pizza and beers together when I was on a night out and yesterday he was going to do some work in her house. I asked him directly on Sat what he was doing on Sunday and he outright lied and said he was working at someone else’s house. I gave him opportunities to come clean via message (I was away Sat night) and he lied again. I rang him when I got home and he wouldn’t say whether he was coming to mine that night and again lied about where he was. His ex hates me, she has said some awful stuff about my personality (said I had BPD before she had met me) etc.

So I lost it with him and messaged ‘So you are 100% not at XXXX house?’ He ignored me for 3 hours and then admitted he was.

I am so pissed off with him for lying. He has lied about something else major too (money). He said he’s sorry for lying and he knows it’s not ok. I don’t think he has cheated on me with her, I think she would but he wouldn’t. BUT it’s the lying and their interaction in general. Now he’s asking how I knew where he was and seems annoyed with me? I don’t want to tell him I snooped but guess I will have to. It just means once again he will deflect his behaviour onto me? I’m so confused and upset. Any advice? AIBU?

LTB he's making a fool out of you.

He has ignored my message from this morning, which he knows winds me right up, left it unread but been online. So I just lost my temper and sent him a message saying we are over and to leave me the fuck alone

I've got the flu and the DC's aren't back at school until tomorrow. today has been officially terrible.

Good on you. Stick to your guns and leave him for good.

Well done OP.

You don't need that waste of space in your life. Now block him.

today has been officially terrible.

But it has just got a whole lot better. You have just dumped a heap of rubbish and now today is the beginning of the rest of your life which will be a whole lot better without Knobhead in it.

Please stick to what you have said to him today! You have, as I see it, two choices:

Let him charm you back again, let him promise you he’ll stop seeing the ex, which he might, for a bit, before going back to lying to you or completely disregarding your feelings. Some months or years down the line, you’ll split up and you’ll wonder why the hell you didn’t do it sooner. In the meantime your children will have learned that treating a woman like shit is the norm.

OR - you stick to what you just texted to him, and things will be shit for a while, but in a few months or maybe longer you’ll be able to look back and realize you did the best thing. Maybe you’ll have learned to enjoy being single, or maybe you’ll be in relationship with a really great guy who treats you well because he knows that you have boundaries that you’ll stick to.

You know this wanker isn’t going to change, he’s not going to give you what you need or want. If you let him, he’ll drift along, doing what he wants to do, not ever putting you first. You deserve better.

Tomorrow is another day op.
The day I dumped my exh and the realisation I would never have to deal with his ex again was uplifting!!
I met an honest and true man, there are some left you know!!
When you least expect it you will meet one.. Until then concentrate on your dc!!

He always turns it around as though I’m being unreasonable, as though his ex shouldn’t be an issue for me etc The thing is regardless of if it should or shouldn't, it is and he should respect that.

I am glad you have ended it with him, this is a chance to have a new start in your life happier than you have been for the last couple of years, that means happier kids because they have a happier mom. You have done the hard part and it's upward and onward from here on in!

He hasn’t replied, even when he has read how angry I am. He really doesn’t care about my or my feelings at all does he?

bums ‘before going back to lying to you or completely disregarding your feelings.’ Yes. This. We have been stuck in that pattern for the last 18 months. I need to break that pattern.

Your day has just got a whole heap better. Good for you OP hope you feel better soon ...

The thing is, as someone else said, even if you were being unreasonable and lived in some kind of alternate reality where his behaviour was totally acceptable, it wouldn’t matter - that you are not ok with it is enough! You are not happy with this situation, you’ve made it clear you are not happy and his response is to lie it or make you out to be a bit nuts. That says it all, really.

Good luck, stay strong. You can do this. You are worth so much more than him.

I think someone completely disregarding my feelings is so normal to me that I don't even see it anymore. It's like I'm blind to my own needs. It's always simmering below though and comes out in one huge explosion. I'm going to be really mindful of this from now on. Really careful to think through each decision starting with the question 'Is this what I want? Does this feel right?' Thanks for all your support today

I’m glad you’ve told him it’s kver. Trust me I’ve been there, it doesn’t end well when you have a partner that can lie so easily to you, he will just get better at it he wouldn’t ever stop doing it.

If you had told him you snooped then ALL the blame would then be put onto you as though he’s the innocent party, you don’t have to tell him anything he’s a liar and all you did was confirm your gut instinct.

Imagine being with him another year and always wondering where he was and if he was with his ex? He clearly loves the attention off her.

you KNOW he's a lying scumbag.. why the hell did you take him back ? are you still paying for everything too ?

Block him and focus on your kids.. Not HIM

get well soon....

Don't send any more messages. Just be done with him.

He sent me a 'I love you, woe is me, I hate myself, I've lost my way' message in the small hours

So I've blocked him on everything. I'm really angry today. How dare he make me feel like this after he knows the shit I went through in my marriage? I opened up about the humiliation and degradation metered out by my exH to me to him. I told him that that the broken bones were nothing in comparison to that worthless feeling and thinking I was going insane. He's put me right back there. I'll never forgive him for that

Oh OP you've been through so much in your life.
Have you had counselling to tackle all of the crap you have put up with?
It's great to see that you are now no longer going to put up with any more shit.
You deserve so much more.
Well done on blocking. That's hard and you did it.
Speak to WA and Rape Crisis and get some specialist therapy and tackle your issues head on.
It will be hard, but worth it in the long run.

Well done for not falling for his crap! You are strong OP and you will get through this.

Speak to WA. They will be able to help you deal with the issues you have been left with.

The next few weeks will be hard, especially with dc asking for him. Ime be honest and tell the dc he wasn't who you all thought he was, plan some special things to do with them, film night with popcorn, build up your relationship with them, they will be upset but show you are there for them still.

Step back for a minute. You are angry he’s not replying. You are angry he’s not fighting for you. You are angry he’s not responding because he knows it winds you up.

Why are you angry? You want him out of your life, remember?

Who CARES! You don’t. Your relationship with him is over and you don’t care what his reactions are. Keep repeating this until you start to believe yourself.

You don’t care he’s not heartbroken because that makes it easier for you to leave him. You’re glad he’s not trying to contact you because you don’t need this drama especially in front of kids. You don’t care whether he’s upset or relieved that you dumped him.

You only care about your feelings about breaking up.

Oh, and he’s fucking with you. He’s pushing all the buttons to break you so you contact him on the pretence of being all angry and how dare you and and and.

Please don’t. His reaction to your decision is irrelevant to you and your children. Don’t give him the emotional energy he doesn’t deserve.

Hope the DC got off to school ok and you are starting to get over your illness OP. Glad you’ve got good friends around you. Stay strong

Thanks all took the DC's to school, phoned in sick, cleared him off all my social media and have just been very nice to myself. Lots of and watching trashy TV. I've been writing down what I want to do with the DC's over summer and I've been on a forum for adult survivors of child sexual abuse. Now I'm going to have a kip after my flu busting hot drink. Fingers crossed my strong resolve stays. Think it will

Way to go OP!

Stay strong OP! This past message from him, in my completely unprofessional opinion, is just a new way for him to get what he wants. ‘Oh, i’m such a fuck-up, feel sorry for me while I continue to disregard your feelings and do exactly what I want’. It’s all about him, isn’t it?

Have a lovely day slobbing out with trash tv. Sounds fab. And planning nice things for the future sounds like a great idea. Your future sounds a lot more exciting now. Endless possibilities, with you in charge...anything could come your way! As opposed to miserable future pandering to that arsehole, feeling like you are st the bottom of someone else’s priorities.