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Original poster

I snooped to catch him lying and now he’s asking how I know...

80 replies

NonplussedwithFB · 08/01/2018 09:18

Had various problems with DP and his ex, I posted a thread on here about him sharing a picture of them on FB when we were together, she gets invited to family parties still, his family don’t like me etc. She is his neighbour and is completely over involved in his life etc. They split up 6 years ago.

I ltb but he campaigned really hard to get back together, promised he would cut the cord with her, get a lodger so he can spend more time with me, he loved me and wanted it to work. It was Christmas and my youngest dd really missed him (have 3dcs from previous marriage which was physically abusive). We don’t live together but have been together 2 years.

So, on Friday night I couldn’t sleep because he had been v.cagey about his weekend plans. I snooped on his phone because I just had a feeling and lo and behold they had hung out Christmas week having pizza and beers together when I was on a night out and yesterday he was going to do some work in her house. I asked him directly on Sat what he was doing on Sunday and he outright lied and said he was working at someone else’s house. I gave him opportunities to come clean via message (I was away Sat night) and he lied again. I rang him when I got home and he wouldn’t say whether he was coming to mine that night and again lied about where he was. His ex hates me, she has said some awful stuff about my personality (said I had BPD before she had met me) etc.

So I lost it with him and messaged ‘So you are 100% not at XXXX house?’ He ignored me for 3 hours and then admitted he was.

I am so pissed off with him for lying. He has lied about something else major too (money). He said he’s sorry for lying and he knows it’s not ok. I don’t think he has cheated on me with her, I think she would but he wouldn’t. BUT it’s the lying and their interaction in general. Now he’s asking how I knew where he was and seems annoyed with me? I don’t want to tell him I snooped but guess I will have to. It just means once again he will deflect his behaviour onto me? I’m so confused and upset. Any advice? AIBU?

OP posts:
MoonfaceAndSilky · 08/01/2018 09:51

My youngest DD is really attached to him

You're teaching your child that it's ok for men to treat you like crap - it's not. Get rid.

mummmy2017 · 08/01/2018 09:51

Just tell him, you guessed, as he was being so odd.
Tell him if he needs to lie and to be with his EX, then you feel it is over between you, as you don't need to spend your time worry over who what and where your partner is..

Pleased, he doesn't want to put you first, so put yourself first and leave.

C0untDucku1a · 08/01/2018 09:52

Tell him that you cant be with a liar.

KungFuEric · 08/01/2018 09:53

Move on op.

Hissy · 08/01/2018 09:53

2 exes. EXes... The clue is there isn't it? Grin

You gave this guy a chance and he blew it. It's on him not you.

Do what you know you gotta do and it'll teach your DC that it's good to give people chances, that mistakes happen and that you have to make tough decisions sometimes. It'll show your DC how they need to be treated in life. That's a valuable lesson.

Original poster
NonplussedwithFB · 08/01/2018 09:54

Fizzy you are bang on. Cognitive dissonance is a bastard.

I let him back in when I was at such a vulnerable point, I had bumped into the family member who raped me when I was 11 in a shop and because I was so thrown I rang him to try get some support. He got me when my defences were down. I just need to be stronger.

OP posts:
Lightningbolt82 · 08/01/2018 09:59

You don't deserve to be treated like this.... Especially after being treated badly in your previous relationship. I think focus on gaining back your self esteem/respect - you are better than this!

beachcomber243 · 08/01/2018 09:59

He sounds like a complete liar and a cheat. Your DD is being dragged into it because you are dragging her into a mess yourself by not facing reality and walking away. He continues to put his ex's needs above yours. I'm sorry but this relationship is never going to work.

Your DD will get over it. My cousin when small had an infatuation for my step father who was pervy and not someone I would trust in many ways. It wore off thank god.

You are the adult and must protect her. Walk away from this liar and don't expose her to being treated like a mug by a bloke. He doesn't care about your daughter, he cares about himself and his ex....so you have to care and put her first...not him.

FitBitFanClub · 08/01/2018 09:59

You don't need to justify anything to him. Or you could tell him that not only is he a liar, but he's shite at it too, so you could tell a mile off.

And I'd be asking him how come he's had at least two exes inbetween you and this other ex. Perhaps they too had an issue with his behaviour.

Ijustlovefood · 08/01/2018 10:05

OP, today is the first day of the rest of yours and your children's lives. Dump him! It will be shit at first but one day you'll look back and realise it was actually the best thing that happened to you because you now have a bright and happy future. Always listen to that inner voice OP. Good Luck!

NotTheFordType · 08/01/2018 10:15

I let him back in when I was at such a vulnerable point, I had bumped into the family member who raped me when I was 11 in a shop and because I was so thrown I rang him to try get some support.

OP I'm sorry that happened, it must have been very upsetting, but... he must have been rubbing his hands with glee at the thought of worming his way back to you so he can continue fucking with your head.

Have you got some people in RL, friends who can actually support you when this sort of thing throws you, so you don't reach out to him?

Bekabeech · 08/01/2018 10:18

Have you done the Freedom Programme? If not it might help you prevent yourself from getting into a similar situation again.

X has a relationship with Y who is a complete and utter bastard. Finally breaks it off.
After a while she starts seeing Z who is a bastard but in a different way. X wonders if she is being "too harsh" on Z as he's "not as bad as Y".

You need to get out of this kind of thinking. Get friends not boyfriends and teach your DC about self-worth.

kaitlinktm · 08/01/2018 10:18

I wanted my faith in men to be better.

I think really you need your choice in men to be better - or to have better judgement. Sometimes it isn't apparent for a while what people are like, but the trick is you have to look out for red flags, take things slowly (in terms of, say, introducing people to your DC) and when red flags pop up - take action, including dumping people when they turn out to be dicks.

You talk about upsetting your DD now - how about showing your children what people should and should not put up with in relationships, or even that you don't need a man to be happy and successful. That would be a lesson well learned.

CotswoldStrife · 08/01/2018 10:23

OP, all this time you are wasting spending snooping and testing this man with questions you already know the answers to could be spent with someone lovely who treats you and your children well. But you're not going to have the time to meet them if you spend it snooping on his phone and making up tests. Your efforts and attention need to be on what you want, not what you don't want.

Original poster
NonplussedwithFB · 08/01/2018 10:23

Interestingly since getting back with him, I think subconsciously, I have been sorting out friendships. I have 3/4 very close friends who for various reasons I cut myself off from, in the past two years but I have been reaching out to them (and apologising). They've all been lovely. One even said that she can see how traumatised I am (from my marriage and childhood) and that she never gets angry when I withdraw because she gets why I do that. I do need to take a long hard look at myself. And my attitude to men and relationships. I hate them and I need them at the same time. I need to address this. Mostly for my DC's.

OP posts:
ISpeakJive · 08/01/2018 10:51

I hate them and I need them at the same time

Nobody NEEDS a man!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/01/2018 10:51

Non Plussed. It is a horrible situation for you particularly after the bad experiences you've had previously. But you have to put yourself and your DCs first now. You turned to this man for support, but there's a difference between him saying "there there" occasionally and real long term support. He's not providing it.
Regarding your DD being attached. He's hurting you now with his lies, this probably would continue and she would be more hurt in the long run. Do you have to announce to her that you've broken up and make it a big thing of it?... You could easily shield her from this - however you are feeling, why does she have to know all about it- maybe just say your'e seeing less of as both busy, and give her a chance to get used to him not being around. Focus on filling both your life and her life with activities and the friends you say are still supportive and she may not even notice.
I agree with all the posters saying Dump him. He's been caught out and instead of apologizing he's going on the attack, demanding to know how you found out. and the poster who said he's doing that to learn how to cover his tracks next time is bang on the money, you only need to say you guessed as his behaviour is so obvious - its not that much of a leap. You've said he makes you sound in the wrong and unreasonable. He's about to do that again. Try and get someone to talk to about this and focus on how many good things you can do for yourself as an independent person. The thing I really really hate about liars is that they think the person they are lying to is so utterly stupid that they can be easily manipulated. It's treating you with contempt and there's something nasty about the personality of someone who lies as a way of life. You've had ample evidence now of what he is all about. Do you really want this man around your DC's. You don't need this liar in your life.

Original poster
NonplussedwithFB · 08/01/2018 11:00

I won't make a big thing of it. I will just keep going with the 'Not tonight' if they ask if he's coming round. I'll wait until I feel less wobbly.

Thank you duck that was a lovely post. It is offensive how he's treating me, two of his ex's are total doormats who feed his ego and I can't believe he thinks I'm the same as them! I'm not AT ALL. I'm not bragging but I'm quite clever, I've got a great job and haven't let my past trauma submerge me. I won't be that doormat.

OP posts:
Inertia · 08/01/2018 11:16

He doesn't deserve you, and he certainly doesn't deserve a relationship with your children.

As Kaitlin says above, there's nothing wrong with your faith in men- zero faith seems about right for the men you have in your life at the moment. The issue to target is your self-belief- you don't need a partner who doesn't put you and your family first.

And as Fizzy said, it's irrelevant how he believes you should cope with his behaviour, it's irrelevant what his exes think- it's not working for you, so you absolutely have the right to end a relationship which doesn't work for you.

Your friends sound like keepers though- try and focus on strengthening those relationships,and be unavailable to so-called partner.

Ellie56 · 08/01/2018 11:19

"promised he would cut the cord with her" he hasn't done though has he?
He has lied about her and about money. He deflects things back on to you when he is at fault. He is a liar, a loser and a twat.

You are worth more than this.Just dump him. Don't let your children see you being treated like shit. Tell DC he wasn't nice to Mummy and then told lies about it so Mummy has stopped him coming round. Show them it is not acceptable to put up with crap behaviour.They will understand.

To paraphrase another thread on here, just because you were in a relationship with a level 10 bastard doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along afterwards.

Maybe seek some counselling to deal with the issues from your childhood and the way you view men. Regain your self esteem and self respect.

Nobody needs a man. It is perfectly possible to function and be happy without one. Plenty of women do so and it is infinitely preferable to being with an abuser or a lying twat who does not respect you.

Be strong OP. Good luck Flowers

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/01/2018 11:47

The good thing is that you have your lovely children, a good job and friends who are supportive. You can survive perfectly well without him and will be more likely to meet someone much better. Best of luck.

Angelf1sh · 08/01/2018 11:48

I honestly cannot see what’s in this for you. As others have said, don’t bother explaining and just get rid. You gave him a second chance and he couldn’t even last a week without lying to you and doing something you’d asked him not to. Even if you were being unreasonable in asking him not to speak to her anymore (which I’m not saying you are), you’d only agreed to get back together with him on that proviso. Having agreed to it, he should have stuck to it. The fact he won’t is all you need to know.

MamaBearto2 · 08/01/2018 12:20

You don't need a man in your life.. staying and putting up with this kind of behaviour isn't setting a good example to your daughter

MrsDilber · 08/01/2018 12:30

Thing is, he's really not going to stop seeing her and lying and that makes you miserable. If you don't end it now, chances are you'll be ending it at some point, after much more stress and upset and more months of your one and only life. Your DD will do better the younger it is you leave him.

thethoughtfox · 08/01/2018 13:10

I don't believe for a second that other girlfriends are fine with it. Remember: this situation isn't normal, few if any women would accept this, and he has form for lying. But it doesn't matter though. It isn't acceptable to you so you have to accept he isn't going to stop and move on.

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