We’ve separated but he’s not moved out

[JeansAndANiceTop]

So exDP and I have called it a day. Very much my choosing, he wants us to stay together. I’m done. I cannot put the emotional effort in to trust him again, I believe he’ll only hurt me again in future.

So, we live in my house, I gave him a deadline to leave by, Thursday this week, we both thought he could go back to his mums probably, she has a spare room, they have a good relationship. But she’s said no. He doesn’t have anywhere else to go. He needs a bit of time to save up for a rental deposit.

I want him out, but I don’t know where he’ll go. Neither does he.

Do I let him stay? It’d mean him sleeping on the floor of the living room. I know he’d push to be allowed back into the bed.

Ideas please.

Nope. He's an adult. Kick him out. Now.

You don’t know whether his mum has actually said he can’t move in with her, or indeed that he doesn’t know where else he can stay. He’s an adult - his problem not yours.

True, I don’t know for sure that she’s said no. But I know what she’s like, she doesn’t like to be inconvenienced an that is how she would view it.
I’m slowly learning that being a nice person doesn’t mean being walked over.
It’s just a bit hard to keep saying ‘no’

Wait until his out, chuck his stuff in binliners, and change the locks. He’ll be back at his mums by tea time. It is not your problem. He is a grown adult. It is not your job to provide for him.

Agree a month? Is that a reasonable length of time to have the deposit?

Has he got a lot of stuff? Could he house-share? Have you been together long? When did you separate?

There are a lot of variables.

But if his mother is genuinely likely to be saying "no" I'd work with a bit to reach a fair compromise.

Nope. He's an adult. Kick him out. Now. doesn't make much sense to me. Is the logic that because he's an adult he can magic up housing? Or withstand sleeping in a park bench?

Of course if he's abusive in any way, all bets are off and he goes.

No he’s not abusive.
I just don’t love him anymore, he’s broken my trust, hurt me, and now I have to protect myself.

Together 3 years, broke up Wednesday just gone.

He doesn’t particularly have a lot of stuff, he’s said he doesn’t want the bedroom furniture we bought together. The rest of the house stuff is mine. He has the TV. I don’t care about that.

Probably wouldn’t be able to get deposit, first months rent and admin fee in a month, that’s probably close to £1k.

As much as we’re not together any longer, he is taking the break up harder than I am and I don’t want to be an arsehole and make it worse. But at the same time I have to protect my own emotions.

I think I need to push him to push his mum a bit more. He could have the money in two months. Ugh. But then I feel like a dick to his Mum.

I think part of the adult business of living together is the adult business of separating and so you need to give him a reasonable span (not to long OR to short) to secure adult accommodation and not just decide that he'll be able to live with his mum because that suits you.

I feel your pain, though, when I got divorced we had to share until the house sold. Wasn't my favourite year.

Sensible. The house is really small and there’s just nowhere to have space/time from each other. Unless I go to bed. Which is annoying me as I don’t want to spend time with him!

I think cos I’ve processed that the relationship is over I want to be able to move on. And that means him not being here.

Two pay days and he could have the money.
I think I’ll speak to him about his mums again and if that’s a no go then give him two pays days. Then locks change.

💐 It's not easy.

No it’s not is it. I’m just tired of it all.
Thanks for the kind words very early on a Monday morning!

Could you "but" the tv and his share of the furniture off him to speed this up? While a grand is a lot of money, if you could speed this all up, it may well help you.

Does he have friends with a spare room for the interim?

He doesn't need a grand. He can move into a house share for less, surely?

I do think that (abuse aside) it's not reasonable to give no notice. Legally it's fine, morally not so much. That's what you get into when you decide to live together.

But a month is more than enough.

I don't get people saying "kick him out now and change the locks".

Would they be happy to be on the receiving end of that treatment? Relationship over and nowhere to go?

Two pay days? You mean two months?

Well he gets paid in three weeks, so it would be seven weeks in total to stump up the money.

He wouldn’t sell his TV. It’s his first love. Plus I don’t have the cash.

I’d not really considered housesharing. I shall put it to him.

Personally I'd give him until the end of the month but that would be it.

'I've gone off my missus. Don't really fancy her any more and I find her annoying. I've given her til thursday to pack her bags and fuck off but she says she has nowhere to go (her family have refused to take her in). Does anyone know any good locksmiths?'

He could afford to rent a room or house share when he gets paid. I wouldn’t give him any longer than that and if you could afford anything to help get him out before, I’d do it.

Look on Spareroom.co.uk assuming you are from the UK. He can then save for a rental by living more cheaply in this way.

I think just chucking him out is a bit mean to be honest. If his mum won't have him then where will he go

You said he's "broken your trust and hurt you" ... does this mean there was someone else involved, and if so why can't he move in with them? (Obviously ignore if that's not the case)

As for "he wouldn’t sell his TV. It’s his first love", if he's putting a TV ahead of his housing needs, I'm afraid I wouldn't be worrying too much about helping him out

I had this for seven weeks after breaking up. It doesn’t help anyone. He thought there was still a chance, children were confused, family were confused. It felt like it wasn’t really a break up, it wasn’t being taken seriously. I had trouble changing bills to my name, tax credits and child benefits were a nightmare. After 6 weeks I had to say one week and that’s it. Sleep on a friends sofa, get a hotel but go. He did and I started being able to move on.

I'd give him until Saturday / Sunday.
Sorry but his mum will just have to take him.
He is NOT your responsibility.
Don't be manipulated into thinking he'll be on the streets.
He won't and you know it.
Get him gone.
It's so bad your short term mental health to have him there.
If it was a bigger place then not so bad but no. This is not working for you - he needs to go.
How long did you originally give him to get out?

I'd give him till Sunday, too. If his mum doesn't want him there, I can only imagine the type of guy he is. He broke your trust and hurt you. So he can get out. He won't sell his TV whilst pleading the homeless card? Yeah, right.

'I've gone off my missus. Don't really fancy her any more and I find her annoying. I've given her til thursday to pack her bags and fuck off but she says she has nowhere to go (her family have refused to take her in). Does anyone know any good locksmiths?'

Yeah, okay, how about: My girlfried lies/stole from me/cheated on me and has broken my trust and hurt me. She doesn't want to get out, says she needs time to save more money. Says her mum won't take her.

Reads differently.

Don't put houseshares to him, he's an adult and knows they exist. He likes having his feet under your table.

'Well he gets paid in three weeks, so it would be seven weeks in total to stump up the money. '

Hang on, so he's already had a month to save up and now wants another one? Yeah, pull the other one. Stick to your deadline.