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Original poster

We’ve separated but he’s not moved out

82 replies

JeansAndANiceTop · 08/01/2018 05:36

So exDP and I have called it a day. Very much my choosing, he wants us to stay together. I’m done. I cannot put the emotional effort in to trust him again, I believe he’ll only hurt me again in future.

So, we live in my house, I gave him a deadline to leave by, Thursday this week, we both thought he could go back to his mums probably, she has a spare room, they have a good relationship. But she’s said no. He doesn’t have anywhere else to go. He needs a bit of time to save up for a rental deposit.

I want him out, but I don’t know where he’ll go. Neither does he.

Do I let him stay? It’d mean him sleeping on the floor of the living room. I know he’d push to be allowed back into the bed.

Ideas please.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/01/2018 12:48

Just a sec - I just realised you wrote "DP" rather than "DH". Am I right in thinking you're not actually married and he's living in your house? And that on top of this he's shown himself to be untrustworthy and now won't sell his stuff to make his own situation easier?

If so, then for me all bets would be off; the locks would be changed and his belongings bagged up on the drive

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 08/01/2018 13:16

I think you need to be firm. He is not staying in your house. He’s already disrespected you by being untrustworthy and hurting you (your own words) so why the hell would you trust him to get his arse in gear take you seriously and stick to your deadline?

His mum doesn’t like to be inconvenienced but who does? He can stay at hers or elsewhere and save up for his own place and I’m sure she will be the fire in his belly encouraging him to do that.

WetPaint4 · 08/01/2018 13:17

He's not your responsibility anymore. It sounds cold but when the relationship that has ended in hurt, the last thing you want is to keep living with that person. It can mess with your head too much, especially if he is going to keep begging bed space and your home is small.

This man has no savings he can dip into? No friends he can stay with? And his own mother has told him no? That can't all be the case. Tell him to be out by Thursday, I'm sure he'll find somewhere. If anyone's got to tell him he has to sleep on the streets, it should be his own mother.

Cricrichan · 08/01/2018 13:27

He's more his mum's responsibility than yours. Has he been paying you for staying there?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 08/01/2018 13:31

Good point has he paid much if anything to live at yours? If not should he not have something spare to move out now at least a house share? Even if he has paid towards living with you can it really be so much he has no money spare?

expatinscotland · 08/01/2018 13:33

How's he his mother's responsibility? Sounds like he's well into adulthood. The mum probably doesn't want him there because he's a pain in the arse.

Trills · 08/01/2018 14:11

He could find a friend with a sofa or a houseshare. Or his mum calmost certainly would take him in.

Why is his mum allowed to say "you can't live with me" and you're not? She has a spare room and she is his mum.

(to be clear I think she is allowed to say it, but you are also allowed to say it)

Give him til the weekend is what I'd say. Til THIS payday at the absolute latest.

expatinscotland · 08/01/2018 14:16

Thing is, you've already set this boundary of Thurs., and it sounds like you did it a month ago. You move it and he'll see that as a wedge to lever the door open more. He's not respecting your boundaries, so you were right, he's continuing to hurt you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 08/01/2018 14:18

Being a lodger is a thing, especially when he's not got much stuff.

Surely that will be cheaper than his half of the rent and bills at your place anyway and so will make it easier to save up for a nice place.

Jaxhog · 08/01/2018 14:21

Give him 2 weeks and he sleeps on the sofa. Any move to the bedroom and he leaves immediately. Say it and mean it.

Jaxhog · 08/01/2018 14:22

If you've already given him a month, then he has to leave now.

Thymeout · 08/01/2018 14:28

Expat - Op says they broke up 'Wed just gone'. So that's less than a week. She gave him this Thurs as a deadline. They've been together 3 years. Whatever the rights and wrongs of the breakup, I don't think she's said he's stolen from her or cheated?

Op - a week is reasonable if all he has to do is move into his mother's spare room, but if that's not happening, it's a bit short notice to find other accommodation. I'd suggest he has another go at asking his mother, making plain that he'll only be there short-term. Either till he's saved up a deposit, or could be quicker if he found a room in a shared house.

But, if she refuses to budge, I think you'll have to put up with him being around for longer than Thurs. How would you feel if you were in his position? Would you think you deserved to be treated like this?

expatinscotland · 08/01/2018 14:32

'Expat - Op says they broke up 'Wed just gone'. So that's less than a week. She gave him this Thurs as a deadline. They've been together 3 years. Whatever the rights and wrongs of the breakup, I don't think she's said he's stolen from her or cheated?'

Yes, but then she says later on that if she gives him till his next payday 3 weeks away, that will be 7 weeks in total. She's says he broke her trust and hurt her, so I'm thinking he's not been a good egg.

lightermaturecheddar · 08/01/2018 14:51

That’s to save 2 months’ wages expat, which she’s said he needs to raise 1k.

Personally I think a week’s a harsh notice period if there’s no cheating / abuse involved. I’d give him til the end of the month and make it clear you’ll be changing the locks then. Mother’s, friend’s, house share, borrowing - not your concern.

expatinscotland · 08/01/2018 15:34

Well, more fool her if she lets him stay there until then because he'll never do it. Of course, she hasn't been back to stay exactly what he's done, except that he broke her trust and hurt her, so who knows?

Original poster
JeansAndANiceTop · 08/01/2018 17:34

Sorry, been busy ferrying around a friend.
We broke up Wednesday just gone. He’s done several things through the relationship to damage trust, small lies, he fucked up majorly with money a while back and things almost ended. He got a second chance. This time he’s been messaging another woman. I’ve seen the messages, they’ve not met up, but there was intent to do so and I’m not putting up with that. He wouldn’t put up with it if the boot was on the other foot.

And I totally get he’s not his mums responsibility, he’s his own. And whilst I don’t like him very much right now, we have a shared history and I wouldn’t want to see him suffer (too much). He’s already lost me. And I was a good bet.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 08/01/2018 17:37

I think I'd give him a week or at most two weeks to find somewhere. If he tried getting back into the bedroom he would be out that minute. If he cheated out right away if it's your house. His Mum said no. Well she'll have to take him. Blood is thicker than water.

expatinscotland · 08/01/2018 17:46

' His Mum said no. Well she'll have to take him. Blood is thicker than water.'

No, she doesn't. I wouldn't take my son back after he'd treated a woman like this and he is an adult with a job. He can find his own place to stay. Bet you London to a brick she won't take him because he screws her over and wants to pay nothing towards his keep.

I'd give him a fortnight from the split, so like another week.

What was the fuck up with money?

expatinscotland · 08/01/2018 17:47

'This time he’s been messaging another woman. I’ve seen the messages, they’ve not met up, but there was intent to do so and I’m not putting up with that. He wouldn’t put up with it if the boot was on the other foot.'

Yes, because that is cheating.

DaisysStew · 08/01/2018 17:50

I think the fair thing to do would be to give him a full months notice, so starting it from last Wednesday gives him 3 weeks to sort something. After that change the locks in case he decides to drag it out. If he doesn’t have enough cash then he’ll have to sell his telly or get a loan, it’s not your problem anymore.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 08/01/2018 18:13

Why don't you offer to pay his expenses that might get him out a bit quicker

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/01/2018 18:24

Jeans you do realise, don't you, that after all the chances he's had, he won't really believe you mean this as long as he's in your house?

Only you can decide what to do about this, but given his financial history - and now his willingness to cheat - I'd be very, very careful about what he has access to. He's clearly had a good run with a very decent woman who he doesn't appreciate, and it would be a shame for your hurt to be made worse by him cleaning you out as well

Original poster
JeansAndANiceTop · 08/01/2018 18:28

It’s hard to convey, but he’s sorry. He has realised that it’s over, that it’s his fault, and that there’s no going back. I am one of those people who once I’ve made my mind up, that’s it. And he knows that.

His money fuck up was running up debt behind my back.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 08/01/2018 18:31

Messaging another woman means he lost any sympathy I may have had for him! Thursday it is, out he goes. You do not have to wait seven weeks living with this tool!

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/01/2018 18:38

Please be careful and see someone that can give you proper legal advice.

All this kick him out and change the locks could get you into trouble.

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